Day 365 - Happy New Year (The End?)

As I write this last entry, I think about all the things that have changed since the first one.  Today is the first day of fall, and I feel that as the seasons change, it is time for new ways of thinking.  Each day should really be a new start.  No need to wait for January to have resolutions, goals, or desires to make life better.  A lot has changed in my life since I started this blog, but one of the most important things that I can honestly say is that I have grown in love in ways that I could not imagine.  I have learned innumerable, invaluable lessons that I'm sure will last me a lifetime.  The point of this last entry is to share some of those and have a few final remarks as I close this chapter of my writing and continue on to greater things.

• Love is beautiful – with all of the things I’ve seen, felt, and experienced in the days, weeks, and months since I first began this blog in January of last year, this is one thing that I will continue to maintain and believe.  Yes, there can be deep pain associated with love, but despite that, we continue pursuing and hoping for it (even after we swear it off and hide our hearts and all other such things).  That is because love (with all its warts and complications) is the most beautiful thing on earth.  It has powers far greater than we will ever understand, and when we find it, especially in a reciprocal sense, even for just a fleeting moment, we know that it’s right and that we want it in our lives forever.  It has the ability to provide us with strength, to help us heal, to help us grow/change, to pick us up when we’re down, and so much more.  Take a second and think back to a moment when you felt loved… Without a doubt, it is a happy feeling.  Even if the relationship has changed or things are different, you will likely remember that feeling for a long time, because the feeling of being loved is a basic need for human beings.  With all I’ve gone through, I will always maintain that love is beautiful. 
• The work of relationship is hard – because of the nature of human beings, interacting with us can be a bit of a puzzle.  You are not just interacting with the person in front of you – you are interacting with their childhood, their past relationships and experiences, their neuroses, their personality (or personalities), and many things that aren’t visible on the surface.  Since this is the case, and since many of us are in some way simply trying to protect our hearts even as we venture into relationship with others, relationships can be a maze and a careful dance in which we seek to find both ourselves and them, sharing hearts and space along the way.  In order for a relationship to work and to be one in which both parties grow and feel loved and respected, both people have to be willing to be honest and put in the effort necessary to make things flow.  No matter what kind of relationship it is, there must be some exploration of the self in relation to others and the other in relation to self.  Things like patience, honest communication, courage, commitment, humility, consideration, discernment, and a willingness to be vulnerable are necessities when attempting to engage in any sort of meaningful, personal relationship.  In any relationship, even in business, these things should be applied in order to create a safer space for interaction that will hopefully allow for smoother interacting. 
•  Without love for self, love for others will never be healthy or fulfilling – until I have the ability to appreciate myself and take care of myself, there is no way I can do these things for others without getting angry.  I will want what I’m giving, and even if the other person does a great job of loving me back, it will never be enough.  So I need to have my own love for myself.  This way, even if I give love to someone and they don’t give it back, I won’t be depending on them and left feeling empty and angry.  I spent years trying to earn love by doing for others, and I remember getting mad when they didn’t give back.  This is because I was seeking love as opposed to being/living from love.  And don’t get me started on the insecurities and jealousy that characterized my insides because I was so concerned that I wasn’t enough and that someone’s love for me could be taken by someone else.  Because I didn’t know my own worth, I looked to others to tell me what it was, and when their opinion changed, so did mine.  It wasn’t until I began to love myself and be myself that I could even start to see how awesome I am and realize that I deserve love just because of who I am.  If someone is unable to see that, it is their loss.
  
• Life opens up when you do - as this Crest slogan says, one of the most important things in life is to be able to open up.  When you are able to be open, allowing yourself to have a mind for new possibilities, you allow yourself to receive more than you might expect.  This might mean being vulnerable, it might mean doing things you've never done before, it mean letting go of some preconceived notions or ideas.  But when you are willing to see things a different way, share more of yourself, or receive more of someone else, life will present you with more opportunities. Very often in life, we miss things that could be significant because we are looking for something else or we are distracted by the “important” things in life.  But if we take the time to be open to all of what life and love have to offer, we might find ourselves pleasantly surprised by what we receive.  The things that you don't expect or even like at first can be the greatest blessings.  And things that seem insignificant might become the most life-changing things or events ever.  That's why it's important to pay attention and listen in each moment.
• Love is a worthwhile investment - even though love takes work and it can end in pain, it ultimately pays greater dividends.  It takes much effort and can take you out of your comfort zone and change your whole world... but as I started these bullets by saying, love is beautiful.  It may take many years and many tries before you ultimately find the person you're meant to be with, but along the way, you learn and discover the beauty that is love.  There will be ups and downs, but I believe it is worth it.  Even though I have met with heartbreak and hurt and the like, the love I have found in those experiences is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  All that was given was not wasted, it was invested.  And the returns may not be a "forever" as you may have desired, but there has been some benefit and growth if you look.

When I started this journey, I was younger, more naive, much more bound, and admittedly a wee bit more optimistic.  Now, don't get me wrong - I still tend to lean toward the bright side, but my optimism has been tempered with a bit more realism.  I still believe that love is the greatest force on earth with the power to change our lives if we let it. So as this blog comes to an end, let love be what guides you.  Push past fear and be open to what life has to offer.

Day 364 - Lesson from a Homeless Lady

As I was driving to the park yesterday, I came to a stop light.  At this light was a woman with a sign that said she was willing to work and in need.  So, as is typically my custom when I see such individuals, I found my wallet, pulled out some cash, and reached my hand out the window to give it to her.  She saw and approached, taking the money and thanking me.  I smiled, and she said, "God bless you."  I returned the blessing, continuing to smile.  She said, "have a good evening," and I said, "you too."  She stepped back, returning to her place on the corner, and I picked up my phone to look at it since it had vibrated during our conversation.
What came next surprised me and provided the reason for this entry.  She walked back toward the car, and said, "even if you didn't give me the dollar, your smile was worth it.  You have a very beautiful smile."  Now, for much of my time on earth, I've been told that.  I have come to believe that such is true, but of course I don't mind when someone points it out.  But for some reason, when this lady said it, it nearly brought me to tears.  So as I sat in the park, I pondered why this particular lady at this particular time saying something I've been told a few dozen times (I mean, just last week at a meeting, a complete stranger said the same thing) touched me so much.  Well, I'm gonna venture a couple thoughts:

1. We sometimes forget our own beauty.  Sometimes things happen in life that make us forget our beauty.  While in general I'm a girl who's confident in my beauty, because I haven't always been such, at times, the words/actions of others can cause me to take an internal step backward.  Even the most confident of people can be momentarily tripped up, especially by those closest to them.  So when this woman, who I shared less than a minute of life with, recognized and acknowledged what some have missed for years, it reminded me that, as one song or two have said, "it don't take all day to recognize sunshine."  Just because some people don't recognize it doesn't mean that it isn't there.  Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, and she reminded me that I need to be my own #1 beholder.
2. Beauty is available everywhere if we open our eyes to it.  Now, I'm not going to assume anything about her life, because all I know is what I saw in those few moments.  But I can say that the place where she was didn't show much conventional beauty.  In my relative wealth, my mood had me thinking more about the negative in life.  Yet this woman who had found herself on a street corner depending on the kindness of strangers for survival, had found beauty in someone else's smile.  Then she took the time to express such.  She could have kept her observation to herself, but she didn't.  She came back to my car in order to repay the kindness I'd shown shown her.  She even went so far as to that even without the money, my smile would have been worth it. Now, granted, she can't take my smile to a counter and they give her food, but the fact that she even spoke such a thought...  Even over the monetary value, she chose to appreciate the beauty of our interaction.  
3. Human connection is the most valuable thing in life.  Do I think I changed her life in that moment?  No.  But for a time, she has changed mine.  Even though money is what she was after, I think the fact that I was willing to momentarily engage her beyond tossing her a dollar and speeding off to get away from the guilt and stigma attached to such people, made a different.  Beyond this interaction, I think that there is value in sharing space and time and even your beauty with other people.  Even if it's for a moment, you never know what a smile, a hug, a compliment, or any of these seemingly small gestures can do for someone.  Connecting with other people, even in the small things, reminds us that love is possible and has healing powers that can make the bad days better.  This simple interaction where a form of love was exchanged has the possibility to touch us if we let it.  Love can be found anywhere... we just have to be willing to identify and receive it.

Day 363 - Let Me Help You

Typically when you hear the statement, “let me help you,” it can be taken a few different ways depending on the way it’s pronounced.  The tone of voice will make the indication clear.  It could be an offer for assistance of some sort… or in the way that I’m currently thinking about it, it’s more of an offer to correct some erroneous way of thinking.  The second is how I’m using it for this particular entry, because it seems that there are some people with some mindsets, actions, and such that I think need to be acknowledged and addressed.  These have been my relationship pet peeves for years, and I feel like there are some folks (myself included) who could use a little assistance in some of these areas.  Most of these things I've done and/or experienced, so believe me when I say that they are problematic.  It is true that every situation is different, and absolutes are rare, but for the following things, I'm fairly certain that they apply in at least 99% of cases.

  

• Check your insecurities.  As someone who has dealt with insecurities for years, I will be the first to say that they can cause tremendous issues in friendships and in relationships.  In fact, most of these deal in some way with one or both people having insecurities that need to be dealt with.  This is not to say that any of us shouldn’t have insecurities, because life is happy to give them to us, and I will say that relationships tend to be great places to learn which ones you have and work through them.  But be careful, because if you are not acting working to resolve them and grow in self-love, these insecurities can drive even the most loving of people away. 
• If you’re gonna cheat, leave.  I will have to say that this is my biggest pet peeve.  Maybe it’s just my understanding of relationship, but when you make the decision to be in a committed relationship with someone, you should be committed to that.  I am aware that there are typically things that lead a person to cheat – namely frustration from their needs not being met in one way or another.  My thing is, if you have come to the point where you are that frustrated and unfilled, and if you have tried talking things out with your partner and changes are not occurring, then it is time to move forward.  In my mind, it’s better to leave than to cheat.  Cheating opens doors for having some needs fulfilled, sure, but it tends to also cause strife in the existing relationship.  And it can cause great pain if (when) the infidelity is discovered. 
• If you don’t trust them and you’re stressing yourself and them, you should probably leave.  Now, there is something to be said about getting into a relationship with someone and they suddenly change or things come out in them that you never suspected or saw.  But in general, I will go out on a limb and say that it is possible to see cheating tendencies before you get into a relationship with someone.  If you pay attention, there tend to be signs.  This is especially true depending on how the relationship began.  If your relationship with someone started when they cheated on someone else, the likelihood of them not cheating on you is slim.  Either way, you can’t make someone stop cheating by being extra suspicious.  I’ve noticed that such behavior tends to only make someone work harder to hide their behavior… and less likely to talk to you about the issues that are likely leading them to cheat. 
• Don't lie to protect someone's feelings.  The greatest example of this happened for me in a friendship, and when I found out the truth, I strongly considered ending the friendship.  It needs to be understood that most of the time when people do this, it is not out of concern for the other person's feelings but fear of that person's reaction.  There may some concern as to how the other person will feel, but I think more concern should be given to the reaction/feelings that they will have when they find out the truth.  And a lot of people say, o, they will never find out.  But as long as I've lived, I've learned that the truth tends to come out eventually.  And when it does, you typically have more to contend with than if you had just told the truth in the first place.
• Don't be the other man/woman.  No, you may not be cheating on someone, but being the one who someone cheats with is just as bad if you know that the person is in a relationship.  There is nothing wrong with being a friend to someone, but when they are having relationship issues and you are consoling them and lines begin to be crossed, that's a problem.  One of my friends was telling me that she has a rule.  If a guy friend says to her, "I've never told my wife/girlfriend this, but..." she will stop them right there.  She feels that is a line of intimacy that should not be crossed.  If someone is having problems in their relationship, they should be talking to the person they are in the relationship with.  Again, there is nothing wrong with getting advice, but that line has to be walked in a very careful way.  But aside from that, you deserve better than being #2 for anyone, and if you can't see that, refer to bullet #1.  No matter how much you may care about a person, there is no reason to do that to yourself or someone else.  Respect relationship.  Period.  As one who has been #2 and who has been cheated on, I know what I'm talking about.
• Find some healing and be ready before you get into a serious, committed relationship.  Now, this can be hurt from previous relationships, this can be the desire to play around despite making a commitment, this can be unresolved feelings from a previous partner, this can be parental/childhood issues, or any other number of things.  Many of our relationship issues would be avoided if we didn’t get into relationships of a serious nature before we were ready.  It’s one thing to date casually or to spend time to get to know people, etc, but in my mind, once you tell someone that you want to be in a serious, committed relationship, then that should mean something real.  If you’re not ready to partner with someone in a loving, challenging, caring, committed relationship in which you can give of and be yourselves, sharing your life, then don’t do it.  Don’t be in a hurry to find someone just because your last one ended and you need a space filler.  And figure out what you want in a relationship, so you can communicate that as well. 
• COMMUNICATE!  This for me is the biggest one.  When something changes, communicate. When there's an issue, communicate.  Wanna try something different, communicate.  All relationships require vulnerability and courage.  They require you to be able to share with a person some want or need that you have and that you would like to see fulfilled within that relationship space.  Whatever the case may be, all of this needs to be communicated.  Maybe your feelings are changing (be it growing or shrinking).  Maybe you want to take things in a different direction.  Whatever the case may be, if it concerns them, the other person has a right to know.  In my experience, one of the worst things you can do is wait till everything is figured out to present it to someone, because likely, your behavior has given them cause for suspicion along the way.  You may not have all the answers, but taking time to talk them out will likely help you to process.  Now, I will say that I can be a bit of a lone processor, and so I can have my moments where I need to think it over in my own head for a minute.  There's nothing wrong with that either - that's how some people work.  But be sure to communicate things like that too.  Sudden withdrawal doesn't tend to work too well for most people.

I could probably go on, but I think those cover the majors.  Overall, take care of yourself and treat others better than you expect to be treated.  Remember, love is the keyword, and love takes care.

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Day 362 - Therapy/Medicine (Musical Mash-Up)

So I’ve never done 2 songs in one entry, but as I wrap things up, I decided to try something a little different.  These songs complement each other rather well, as they are two sides of the same coin.  They speak about someone being cared for and someone doing the caring for someone else.  As a caregiver myself, I can definitely relate greatly to the second one, but as I learn to receive, I can appreciate the first one as well.  Ideally, in each relationship, there will be some of each happening for each person in the relationship.  #balance

“He lays me on the couch and says, ‘how has your day been?  Tell me your problems, I’ll help you solve them.  Come on, let’s talk about it.’  He sits next to me and smiles – listens to all of my words, relaxes all of my nerves.”  Her partner doesn’t even wait for her to come to him.  I can imagine her coming home and he meets her at the door, taking her bags and leading her to the couch.  He immediately attends to her, listening to the concerns of her day and helping her to unwind.

“Like breathe in, let it go.  Shout it out.  Take deep breaths now – real slow, calm down.  Close my eyes, ease my mind, take control of all my body, please.  Work your psychology.  You’ve taken good care of me, always been there for me.  Boy, I can’t bear to leave, cuz I need your therapy.  You’ve given me everything, so much I ever could need.  Without you I’m weak in the knees – I need your therapy.  I need your therapy.  I need you to come and lay hands on me.  I need your therapy.”  He provides great care for her, and she greatly appreciates him for it.  He provides therapeutic and caring space for her to be feel better despite whatever is going on in her life.  For that, she is grateful, and she desires his care to remain in her life. 

“He puts his hand on my lower back, his face in my neck and says something to make me laugh – makes me forget I was mad.  His touch feels so right – it’s like he’s reading my mind.  I need him all the time.”  Not only does he listen, but he provides loving touch and humor as a further means of providing therapy.  He’s so attuned to her needs that he seems able to provide just what she needs when she needs it.

“When it feels like I'm losing power, when I feel like a wilting flower, the way you touch me says I’m there for you.  It heals me just to hear you say, ‘I love you.’”  There is nothing like the healing power of human touch, especially when it’s accompanied by genuine expressions of love.  She finds these empowering, and when she feels the love that he provides, she finds the strength to press on, living life with love as her backing. 

“Shorty, tell me what’s on your mind, and I promise to try to do what I can to change how you feel inside.  Ain’t nobody here but you and I, so you don’t have to hide.  Here with me, you can just be you, girl.”  He has welcomed in his girl, and he is providing a safe space for her to let down her hair.  While it’s not possible to truly relax with everyone, he is trying to assure her that with him, she can do just that  as he works to help her feel better. 

“Cuz I know what it feels like when you’ve got so much going on in your life.  But what nobody can see is that you can hardly breathe, and you’re at the point where everything’s too much.  Turn the lights down low, find some music, turn off your phone.  Come to me, let me be your medicine.  I can be your medicine.  And I bet, I can take all your pain away.  Come to me, let me be your medicine.  I can be your…”  The chorus is a sympathetic sentiment.  He understands what’s like to be overwhelmed by life, and he’s encouraging her to take some time (with him) to get away and attend to her own healing.  He promises to provide healing aid for her, being the loving medicine that she needs. 

“Everybody’s gotta make a dime, but when do you make the time to break away?  Find some things to do to make you smile, cuz it can’t be good for your health, always trying to please somebody else.   But now and then, you gotta think about yourself.”  While it is necessary to take care of the obligations of our lives like paying bills and such, it’s important to balance that with self-care, rest, and things that make us happy.  In all we do, we have to remember to be and take care of ourselves. 

“Whatever is hurting, got something I think can work.  Use it for body aches or nerves or wherever it may concern.  Now if the pain keeps getting worse, just breathe… till the whole world fades away.”  He says that he can provide something to help her find healing and relief no matter what she may be facing.  As a caring friend and love, he can see what is wrong and give her what she needs. 

Day 361 - Do You Care?

“Care too little, you’ll lose them.  Care too much, you’ll get hurt.” 

“So what’s the answer?”

The above was a facebook status and a comment in response on a friend’s page that got me thinking.  Having been in such a place before and having dealt with this question a couple of times, I had to take some time and sit with it.  I had a few thoughts about how to respond to this, but I wasn't sure how to approach it.  Yet, as often happens when I'm thinking about something, I got a few real life examples that have helped me to put into perspective the answer to a question like this one.  

I have seen that the above is true.  There are some people who may have feelings for someone, but because of fear (be it of rejection, getting hurt, etc), they play it cool.  They can be looking the person in the face, and they refuse to acknowledge what they feel or they play it off.  Or maybe they are just not that into someone, so they show a little care, but they aren't as concerned as some of their words, actions, or flirtations may lead the other person to believe.  After a while, the other person will likely get tired of the emotional nonchalance and move on to find someone who isn't afraid to express and live their feelings. 
On the other side, I have seen people who have given their heart and soul to someone who could really care less than them, and they ended up being heartbroken because they cared more than the other person.  It's been said that the person who cares the least in a relationship holds the power, and I think that's true.  They can essentially make the other person do what they want in the interest of keeping them around.  And since that person's mentality is typically more about their needs getting met, they will do so as long as they are satisfied.  If something shifts, they have no problem moving on to get those needs met elsewhere.

So then what is the answer?  How does one care enough to not lose the person but not care too much so that heartbreak doesn't occur.  Well, my initial impression was balance.  You have to strike a balance in between and find that magic amount of care, allowing your actions to so follow in order to show care without allowing yourself to become a doormat.  Then, based on their response, you adjust accordingly in order to prevent pain or abandonment.  And, don't get me wrong - that's a pretty good thought.  But then I thought... wait, why should I have to adjust my feelings and level of care based on someone else? 

Now, I have come to recognize that in my life, feelings/emotions are tricky things.  But as much as that is the case, when I care for someone, I guess you can say that I go from 0 to... I won't say 60, cuz that's a lot, but maybe about 45.  Because of the way I let people in, you're either on the outskirts or you're all the way in.  So for me to adjust my level of care based on how you are acting is nigh unto impossible.  And I've tried it - it doesn't bode well for me at all.  Maybe other people are better at adjusting their level of care, but I guess because once I care for you, I care, then turning that on and off like a light switch... not likely gonna happen. What I have come to realize is that opening your heart in relationship is directly related to your behavior, and communication is key.  If there are two people interacting in this thing, they ought to be talking to each other about what they are thinking and feeling.  We should share honestly and consistently about feelings.   As things shift and change, we should let each other know.  This, of course, is in an ideal world.  

I'm not sure that there is such thing as caring too much or not enough.  I think it's more about applying your care in the right context.  And if you listen and pay attention in relationship, not just thinking about what you may want or need, you can hear whether or not your current situation is one in which you continue to invest your energy.  Because your level of care for a person may not change, but how you choose to invest energy and make that care manifest can make all the difference.  There are people who I still have care for in my heart, but because of the way the relationship currently stands, there is no energy invested into the relationship.  My level of care was not what needed to be adjusted - it was the amount which I allowed them to occupy my emotional space and conscious mind.  I care for all people, but I only make that care visible for a select few...

Day 360 - Let's Just Be

One of my friends introduced me to this song sometime ago, and it just came back to mind the other day, so I figured I should blog about it.  It's a cute little song that I just like about just spending time with someone you care about.  While I would normally go through verse by verse and talk it, I've decided that for this particular entry, I'll just let the lyrics speak for themselves.  It's about spending quality time (yeah love languages) enjoying each other's presence.  While a lot of dating and relationship seems to emphasize attracting and impressing a partner, there should come a time in a relationship where you are just comfortable being around each other.  Sweat pants and no make-up, chilling as yourself without pretense.  Granted, there's nothing wrong with wanting to look good for your boo or for yourself.  But sometimes it's good to just be able to be in your skin and be your "regular" self with the one you love.

"We can watch a DVD, baby. Sit up in the house and be, just be there. You ain't gotta get cute for me. Truthfully I prefer you with no make up, in one of my T-shirts, bunny slippers on your feet, girl - just tryna' be all up under me, on the coach or in front of TV. Baby, that's gansta." 
"Let's just be, girl. Let's just be. Ain't gon' be no runnin' round in these streets - just my girl and me doing whatever, babe. Let's just be."
"Dinner from the microwave, okay, girl. I'm gon' put my cell away, no distractions. Gonna take this day to lay around and gather every lazy. Play a video game or maybe I'll paint your toenails. I'll sing you a song if you want me to. Girl it's whatever you wanna do. It's so simple."
"Wrapped up in my arms, girl, until the morn. Nothin is better, my baby. Soon we'll fall a sleep, then eventually we'll wake up and I'll be ready. Oh (let's just be), overcome by passion and lust (let's just be), overwhelmed by each other's touch, (let's just be) on the brink of explosion when we, (oh when we) girl, when we (be), when we just be! Oh girl just be."