Day 66 - In Love

When you hear the phrase ‘in love,’ what comes to mind?  Maybe you think about a couple holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes.  Maybe you think about a couple pledging their lives to one another in front of a cloud of witnesses.  Maybe you think about someone who has uncontrollable passion and affection for someone, and if said feelings aren’t returned, the person who’s ‘in love’ will act irrationally.  Having grown up as a female in a society that socialized me with fairy tales romance and princesses since I could remember, the idea of ‘falling in love’ with a ‘prince charming’ who would ‘sweep me off my feet’ was always a goal.  Even as a tomboy, I longed for a man with whom I could fall in love who would fall in love with me and change my life, giving me a happily ever after. 

Well, having grown past the phase of princesses, knights in shining armor, and happily ever after, I still desire to be in a loving relationship with someone who will complement me and change my life in positive ways.  But when I think about the way that people talk about and envision love, many things bother me, but one thing in particular stands out.  One of my sisters was recently asked by her... (we’ll call him a friend because things are slightly complex) friend if she was in love with him.  Now, they’ve said ‘I love you’ to each other before, and I believe they have talked about the fact that they love each other and have a special sort of relationship that goes beyond friendship, but for some reason, he felt the need to ask this question.  In my mind, it almost seems redundant and confusing, but it speaks to the confusion that people have (and that the media perpetuates) concerning the nature of ‘romantic’ love.  Because of the complexities of their relationship – there is potential for them to work together in a professional capacity, his question seems to have come out of concern for her ability to work with him despite her feelings.  One of the speculative definitions of ‘in love’ – “someone who has uncontrollable passion and affection for someone, and if said feelings aren’t returned, the person who’s ‘in love’ will act irrationally” – seems to be reflected in his question.  They have talked about the fact that there are feelings on both sides, but for whatever reason, her being ‘in love’ as is perceived by society would render her unable to work with him without some sort of emotional trauma occurring. 

In my mind, the question arises as to why there is a difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone.  Ideally, I would love anyone who I was ‘in love’ with, so why draw a line?  You either love someone or you don’t.  Now, there may be different manifestations of love in different relationships – the way I show love to my mother is different than the way I show love to my best friend, and that is different than the way I would show love to a romantic partner – but love is still love.  Even the terminology is problematic – ‘in love.’  ‘In love’ as differentiated from other types of love seems like the other relationships/loves would be less loving.  If you’re not ‘in love,’ are you outside of love in the other relationships?  What about the line “I love you but I’m not in love with you”?  Does that translate to ‘I care about you as a person, but I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you,’ because you could just say that?  Maybe it’s more a literal thing and you are inside a bubble called ‘love’ that directs how you see and interact with that particular person.

Or maybe the phraseology (and its connotation) is more akin to infatuation.  As I talked with my friend about her situation, we talked about the fact that she didn’t have the giggly, butterfly, ‘puppy love’ feelings with her friend.  Because of the way their relationship has gone, they have grown together in friendship and care, essentially skipping the warm fuzzies as their relationship evolved from friendship into a deep, abiding, mature love where they are comfortable with each other.  So for her to be ‘in love’ – the erratic, giggly, immature, emotionally sensitive desire for him – would be taking a step backward.  She loves him.  He loves her.  Period.  Sure there is a sense of joy and excitement at relating to each other and being in relationship, but the ‘spark’ is not the entirety of the relationship.  Long after the ‘chemistry’ and all that wears off, there will still be a deep love and care that remains.

Will people change their terminology and think in more open ways about love?  Author bell hooks had this to say: “we are all capable of changing our attitudes about ‘falling in love.’  We can acknowledge the ‘click’ we feel when we meet someone new as just that – a mysterious sense of connection that may or may not have anything to do with love.  How different things might be if, rather than saying ‘I think I’m in love,’ we were saying ‘I’ve connected with someone in a way that makes me think I’m on the way to knowing love.’  Or if instead of saying ‘I am in love’ we said ‘I am loving’ or ‘I will love.’  Our patterns around romantic love are unlikely to change if we do not change our language.”

Day 65 - Higher Than This

This one actually kinda speaks for itself.  "What can be higher than this?  There's no love that's higher than this."
"Life that reflects in the mirror, showing the essence of who I am.  Made from pure perfection, I’m connected to the One therefore I am... one to rise above all the ugliness, evolve into a world of selflessness.  I can see love and no love can be higher than this."  Love from God connects to and informs love for self, and there's no love higher or more power than those two combined.  I love all the people in my life, but without the basis of love in God and love for myself, my heart would be a bucket with a hole in it - always seeking to be filled but always leaking and never having enough to sustain me.
"Feeling like everything's going wrong. Take a step back and edit yourself - there’s a hero in you waiting to happen.  Make the choice to take a chance and save yourself.  You gotta let go of your insecurity, explore the passion in your possibilities.  You will find love and no love can be higher than this."  Yeah, things will go wrong and happen, because no one's life is perfect.  But you have to remember that there is a power within you to do anything (when you are tapped in to the Divine, of course).  Letting go of insecurities and self-doubt will go a long way in pushing you toward your goals.  Not only will you think yourself worthy, but you will also find power and strength within that you didn't know/believe you had.

So what can be higher than this?  Love for God and love for self working together to allow healthy love for others...

Day 64 - When You Really Love Someone

 

So, I like this song, and I wanna look at it a little closer.  :)  She begins by talking about herself as a woman and saying what she needs/expects from a man - "Sweet attention, love and tenderness.  When it's real it's unconditional."  But then she takes it a step further to say that "a man just ain't a man if he aint' man enough to love you when you're right, love you when you're wrong, love you when you're weak, love you when you're strong. Take you higher when the world got you feelin low.  He's giving you his last, cuz he's thinking of you first, giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt.  That's what's done when you really love someone."  Then she switches to the male side, saying, "Cause you're a real man and lord knows it's hard; sometimes you just need a woman's touch.  Sweet affection, love and support. When it's real, it's unconditional, I'm telling y'all. Cuz a woman ain't a woman if she ain't woman enough to love you when you're right, love you when you're wrong, love you when you're weak, love you when you're strong. Take you higher when the world got you feelin low.  She's giving you her best, even when you're at your worst.  Giving comfort, when she's thinking that you're hurt.  That's what's done, when you really love someone."  

I appreciate this song, because it spells out some things that are key within love and relationship, although I do have to wonder about the differences in the verses.  Why is it that the male role is provision ("he's giving you his last") while the female role is intimacy and support ("she's giving you her best even when you're at worst")?  Shouldn't this be more balanced and equal?  I would think so, but patriarchy tends to set other norms.  

The bridge of the song is nice though - "Sometimes you gonna argue, sometimes you gonna fight, sometimes it's gonna feel like it will never be right, but something so strong, keeps you holdin on.  It don't make sense, but it make a good song."  As with every relationship, there are ups and downs, ins and outs, good times and bad times, but if the relationship is worth it, love and care will keep the relationship together with work and communication and compromise on both sides.

Aside from that, I think that this song should extend beyond male-female romantic relationships.  In my mind, any successful relationship (friendships, sisters, brothers, etc) should have all these elements - affection, love, support, give and take, comfort, etc.  While I appreciate what Alicia was going for, I think we should take it a step further and apply this to all relationships with all genders.  :)

Day 63 - Sisterhood

For me at this place in my life, the most important human relationship I have right now is that of my sisters.  I have tended to be something of a loner, having between 1 and 3 actual friends at a time.  Even then, friendships have always been interesting for me, and I wasn’t necessarily a fan of females, because the media (and some of my experience) portrayed women as less than desirable creatures to have relationships with – ultra girly, catty, competitive, emotional, etc.  So, I tended to stay away from females if I could help it. 

Well, when I got to UVA for undergrad, I was amazed to have a group of sisters dropped in my lap.  It blew my mind that a group of young women my age would be willing to love on and embrace me.  While I’m grateful for my little brother, I’d never had sisters, and I was always curious as to that relationship, and so to have it on such a large scale was slightly unreal. And to know that these ladies all cared for me when I still was figuring out who I was and that I should care about myself was unbelievable.  I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved just as I was, so I did everything I could to earn the love that I was being given.  They were the first people to tell me that I didn't have to do things to be loved - WHAT?!  

But there was something about being connected to a group of women who could pray and laugh and talk and sing and dance and share together....  We all varied in age and life experience, but we had God and love (and UVA) in common, and there was a bond that (to me) was unreal.  And there was a level of trust and depth and openness I found with them that I'd never seen previously.  They were the beginning of me coming out of the very thick shell around my heart.  

Then, when I graduated from UVA, I figured that sisterhood would be mainly a memory.  Of course I remain in contact with my sisters from UVA, but I didn't expect another group of sisters.  Well, God continues to surprise me, knowing exactly what I need when I need it.  I've had various groups of sisters since then, and even now, I'm blessed to have a group of sisters who are... beyond words.  I think that as we grow, we gain friends who match where we are currently and where we are going, and this most recent group of ladies is truly a divine appointment.  Because seminary has been such a life-changing experience, they can relate with where I am now, and this is beautiful to me.  

Why am I sharing all of this?  Because I am realizing more and more how important female friendship is, not just for me but for females in general.  This is not about male-bashing but about appreciating the beauty and uniqueness that is female relationship.  There is just something that I can experience and share with my sisters that, for various reasons, cannot be found in friendships with males.  Despite the messages of the media that can "trivialize women's friendships," making them appear "predictably shallow, neurotic, one-dimensional," I say that there is a deep richness in sisterhood, especially in community with a group of sisters.  I have been more than blessed to experience this community in various places, and I pray that God blesses everyone with a group of sisters or brothers in which they can love and grow.  This does, of course, mean being open and vulnerable in order to experience the beauty that is true connection, but it is so worth it.  Love you all!

Day 62 - Love God, Love People

I figured I’d switch up the vibe of the blog for the day and do something a little more fun.  This song by Israel Houghton is a nice, light song that speaks to a simple idea that pretty much covers what I wanna share with the world – “love God, love people, love your neighbor as yourself… everybody, love somebody.”  I love this song, and for me, it encompasses some universal truth that most anyone can appreciate. 

Israel begins by saying, “how can I thank You for the way that You freely gave love so beautiful, unconditionally?”  That’s a grand starting place – acknowledging the unconditional love that God is and gives.  But what I appreciate is that Israel doesn’t stop with his own personal reflection on God’s love for him.  He acknowledges the fact that his own life is great, but then he says, “but when I look and see all the suffering, I wanna do something, but something’s gotta start with me.  I can’t give it till I live it.  Now that my eyes are open, teach me how to love.”  Though his life is good and infused with the love of God in a transformative way, he recognizes that there are many others who are not as blessed, and so this awareness touches his heart, motivating him to desire to help others, even being humble enough to ask to be taught to love.  I think we often assume that love just comes naturally, but the messages of the media and experience tend to warp the love that should inherently flow in all of us. 

“And now it’s time to make a change – revolution day.  Put it into action, live compassionately.”  “Life gets better.  It just gets better when we, we look around and see all of humanity waiting on someone.  Someone is you and me.”  Once you take time with God to receive the Divine love, learning to love God and self, then you have to walk it out, loving people with your actions and words.  Show compassion to those you know and those you don’t.  Realize that superheroes are the every day, ordinary people who choose to give rather than focusing on their own lives.  The world is not waiting for ‘someone.’  The world is waiting for the world to individually come to a realization that we all have a stake and a place in this thing called life, especially if there is change that we all need to see and feel. 
“You can’t give it till you live it.  You can’t live it till you give it away.”  An important point that he makes throughout the song is the fact that, until you receive love and walk in it, it will be fairly impossible for you to give love to anyone else.  I can’t give someone $100 if I only have $10 – it’s impossible.  So, I advise you to seek the source of love and sit at Love’s feet.  It matters not what you call the Divine; what matters is that you receive the love of the One who shaped you and loves you more than you can imagine.  When you begin to realize that the depth of that love, you will be able to embrace yourself in a new way, which will give you a different (more compassionate) view of other people.

LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF

Day 61 - More on Marriage

So, yesterday, I was getting on a roll about marriage, because it's a passionate thing for me (because it alters and can ruin so many lives).  Again, I've never been married, but I have enough experience with other people and enough conversations with married (and divorced) people to know that there is something wrong with this institution.  There's much that I could say about marriage, but I will try to narrow my focus, because this could be a month-long series.
I will say that the base of marriage is where things start going awry.  The starting point is two healthy people who are whole and secure and desiring to live outside the bounds and oppression of patriarchy, which I've discovered has a way of destroying... everything.  But I digress.  Admittedly, the context that I'm focusing on is the black heterosexual since that is what inspired me to write about this, but I will try to give some general guidelines as well. 
For the men - your identity goes beyond your salary, your car, your position of power, your organizational affiliation, your bicep size, your penis size, or your ability to make people respect/fear you.  You do not have to be "in charge" in a relationship or in your household, nor do you know have to "run things" to be a man.  And, for God's sake, do not pick a spouse based on the trophy wife syndrome - beautiful but quiet, ready to stand behind her man with no life of her own.  I have typically found that men want someone who will support them but not challenge them (and that may be because of security issues mainly due to the pressures of patriarchy's definition of masculinity).  There seems to be a lack of desire for a partner and more desire for a maid/child/sex partner.  Again, patriarchy (combined with Christian doctrines of male headship) puts the pressure of leadership on the male, and it's hard to be "in charge" and still be an equal partner with someone at the same time.  Take time to know yourself and be secure in who you are.  Then, seek out a partner who can be your friend and your love.
For the ladies - let insecurity go!  Again, patriarchy is partly to blame, but I'm here to help you get beyond some of that.  Not all women are your competition.  In fact, when we as women begin to work together and treat each other in healthy relationships (not like that which is modeled by the Real Housewives of anywhere), life will be much more beautiful.  You are already beautiful - your body doesn't have to be on display 24 hours a day.  Your identity is not based on your relationship status, the number of men pursuing you, your "hotness," or anything like that.  Stand as an independent and interdependent woman, embracing yourself and your womanhood as beautiful.  Despite the continuous objectification of women and trivialization of expressions of emotions/intuition, know that being a woman doesn't put you in second place or justify you being the property of anyone else.  As I told the men, take time to know yourself and be secure in who you are.  Then, seek out a partner who can be your friend and your love.And make sure that you respect yourself and that your partner respects you.
In general, a marriage is a covenant relationship.  Unlike a contract, this is not a situation where there are clauses, loopholes, and if, then conditions.  A covenant relationship is one in which the two people work together for the growth of the other and themselves, living together in love and mutual respect.  Friendship is the basis for any good marriage, because there will always be friendship even when marriage and life together makes a relationship tough to endure.  Everyone involved should be aware of self - likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, past issues, etc - and take care of yourself before entering a relationship. 

Day 60 - Arranged Marriages

Now, the title of this entry may send your mind to far away countries and cultures like India where it is known that parents arrange the marriages of their children.  While that is an interesting concept, one which I may explore for a future entry, that’s not what I’m referring to today.  No, the kind of arranged marriage that I’m talking about is one in which the two participants willing enter into it without parental/familial arrangement and that typically begins with dating/courting and love.  The word “typically” is included, because a portion of the relationships that I’m talking about are arrangements of the two involved to be seen as normal in order to hide something. 

One of the types of arrangements to which I refer deals with one or more participants who are of the LGBT community.  They chose and marry a partner who is aware of their true orientation, and live a double life of sorts with the full knowledge of their partner.  Now, while there may be love between the individuals who are married, it is not the sort of covenant relationship that marriage was intended to be.  It is nothing more than a front for one or more people to live authentically under the cover of “normal.”  They have the freedom to do and be with who they desire while maintaining the normative appearance of marriage with 2.5 kids and the house in the suburbs.  This, of course, is a more ‘ideal’ situation than someone unknowingly being married to someone whose sexual orientation is actually not that of their marriage partner, but it is still a tragic situation that should not have to happen. 

The fact that people feel the need to hide who they really are because of societal pressures (esp. if they have positions of prominence in politics, churches, etc) speaks to a lack of love inherent in our society.  It has been made clear that difference is not accepted, and so everyone is expected to conform to what has been deemed normal – white, male, heterosexual, Eurocentric, Christian thought and ideology.  When people are different from that norm, there is a tendency to either make them fit or demonize them…  I’m not even gonna get into the things that assimilation has done to black people in America, because that would digress too far from the topic at hand, but the point is that we need to learn to love – i.e. respect, affirm, and support – people who are different. 

Now, there is another set of arranged marriages that I also find disturbing.  These marriages begin with less deceptive intent, but they tend to turn out with similar results.  There is dating and love and excitement about the life to be built together… but somewhere along the way, it becomes clear that there are some irreconcilable differences in their personalities and desires.  Yet, for reasons of public face, many of these marriages become arrangements to remain together to avoid questions and issues, but they live separate lives, finding what they need in other people and substances or suffering from depression or other life-altering maladies.  Once again, love becomes all but absent in the form of the covenant that marriage is supposed to represent, and the union is merely a shell for two people to live separate unhappy, deceptive lives.

I will end today’s entry here, but tomorrow’s entry will talk more about marriage and having the proper foundation and definition.  I want to conclude by saying that authenticity is key.  Granted, it is difficult in a closed-minded society such as the one we find ourselves in (no matter how liberal some people and media may seem), but it is ultimately much healthier for you, the person who has to live with yourself.  And marriage is not something to be taken lightly… but that we will see more of tomorrow.