Day 90 - The Importance of Story

As I've been wrestling with some things lately, I was reminded by one of my sister friends that there are some growing points in my life that have brought me to where I am currently.  The more I thought about what she said, the more I realized the importance of my story.  While I went through 3 years of introspection at STVU and 4 years of some of that at UVA, I am still learning that 20 or so years of thinking a certain way is not easily changed, especially on the deepest levels of subconscious feeling and all that.  Without going into too much detail, because I could be writing all day (and because it will be in my book one day), I want to ponder bits of my own story and how I got to where I am, and maybe this will help me (and hopefully you) make sense of life and some of the craziness that we deal with both internally and externally.
Listening to "Where You At" reminds me of a world of broken promises that came not from a romantic partner but from my father.  In hindsight, I know that there were things in his life at the time that interfered with him being a better parent, but as a child, I didn't know.  And because I didn't know, I assumed that I wasn't loved (esp because I was a girl), and I initially worked to do what I could to gain my dad's love and approval, which for me would have been spending time together.  But when it didn't happen with my father, apparently I sought it in other males.  Because I was looking for a father in people who were slightly older than me, it wasn't going to be a successful endeavor.  Also, there was no way they would be able to fill the void that my father left, but I wasn't thinking.  I just wanted to feel loved. 
Thankfully, I've since had relationships and experiences that have been healthy and/or helpful in healing the hole in my heart.  It is a daily struggle, but I'm learning to find perpetual acceptance in myself, in God, and in the angels around me.  While I currently find myself in an interesting emotional situation, I recognize that God's love for me and my need for love have connected me to some beautiful people who can and will help me to fill the voids that still exist.  But the difficulty that I still find is in allowing people to love me when I spent most of my life thinking that I was not worthy of love.  I know that this has frustrated some of the people in my life who tried to love me, because I did a great job of fighting them.  Even now, as I was sharing with one of my sister friends this morning, I find it difficult to express my needs/desires, because I'm used to suppressing such things to make other people happy. 
Why did I share this?  I recognize that understanding my story and how it continues to affect me is one way of being self-aware and learning to love myself.  As much as part of me would love to be in a romantic relationship, the place where I am has shown me that I'm not yet ready/strong enough for that. 
So investigate your story.  Only you know where you've been and what has happened to you.  Even if you don't know exactly how that day 12 years ago is affecting you currently, it's important to acknowledge that day and know that it has affected you.  Do you wonder why certain things/people make you angry for no apparent reason?  Is there a particular need that must be fulfilled in your life that you can't do without?  Why?  There are clues in your past relationships and experiences that point to where you are now.  As a former classmate (Jonathan Goldwire) said on facebook, "My scars may describe my past but right now I'm making every effort to prevent them from defining my future."  I must look at where I am and where I've come from in order to gain healing and not continue to live my pain into my future.

Day 89 - Communication

Few things in life and relationship are as important as communication... and few things are also handled as incorrectly.  We've all heard that communication is verbal as well as non-verbal, but how much do we really pay attention to each form?  Do we understand that there is text (the words) but also context (the situation around and causing the words as they come as opposed to coming another way)?  We know that there is such a thing as not communicating enough (relationships often run into issues when this is the case), but is there such thing as overly communicating?  When we communicate, what are we communicating and what is being heard? 
I find that communication is hugely important, and when we take the time to do it right, it can change/bless our lives and our relationships.  The problem is that it's seldom done right.  While I am no guru on communication, esp in a world where much of our communication is more digital than live action, I do believe that there are some things we should consider.

• How do you best communicate?  I know that I'm a writer through and through.  For me, verbal communication and processing is not my strong suit.  If I have a conversation with you in which much is said, I will probably be quiet for much of the conversation and then send you an email later.  If you know you like to talk things out, then do that.  If you know you need time to go away and think then come back, let the person know.  On the same hand, understand how the person you are communicating with communicates.  I have many friends who like to talk through things in the moment, so we have to work out a way that will allow us to effectively communicate given our different methods.  I may write what I want to say and give it to them so that I've communicated what I need to and then we come together and talk through it once they've read it.
• Be honest and open.  In my mind, there's almost no point communicating if you can't be honest in what you are putting forth.  Lying is never a good thing for a relationship.  We probably learned as little kids to lie to avoid getting in trouble, but hopefully we have grown out of such a phase.  As hard as it may be sometimes to be honest, it is always better in the long run to be honest with yourself and others.
• Listen as well as talk.  I've heard the advice, "listen - you might learn something."  I think we're sometimes scared to listen because we're afraid of what we'll learn, but in relationships, I think it's important to be able to hear the truth, even when it's not pleasant.
• Be considerate when communicating important things.  Don't try to have an important conversation at 5am or when the person is in the middle of something important.  Make sure that you and the other person are in the space to be able to hear and share fully in what is going on.
• Pay attention to the non-verbals.  Washington Irving once said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”  Sometimes, words are not possible but things are still being communicated.  Pay attention to body language, tone, voice volume, etc.

Know that communication is critical to any relationship.  While you may be concerned about having a particular conversation, trust the relationship and the person and know them well enough to know that they can handle it.  And even if, for some reason they cannot, you have to trust yourself enough to be honest about what you want/need.  If they cannot handle it, this may be a sign that the relationship needs to be re-evaluated.

Day 88 - Perfect

So, I love this song.  From the moment I heard the chorus, I thought, "YES!"  And I listened to more of the lyrics, I loved it more and more.  I'll start with the chorus: "Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect.  Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel, like you're nothing, You are perfect to me."  When I first heard it, I thought about the people in my life who are absolutely amazing to me but who don't always see it in themselves.  We are often our own toughest critics, and this come sometimes cause us to be very hard on ourselves. I always like to encourage people to see the best in  themselves, especially because life/society can be so hard on us.  And if you can't see the awesome in yourself, know that I see you as perfect.
The second verse is the one that stands out the most, probably because it sounds the most like the chorus: "You're so mean when you talk about yourself.  You were wrong. Change the voices in your head - make them like you instead. So complicated! Look happy - you'll make it!  Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game."  While we tend to say shining things about ourselves, it's often difficult to talk so lovingly about ourselves.  Maybe that's because we know about ourselves than other people, but I still think that's no excuse to be as cruel to ourselves as we can sometimes be.  I think it's important to have a balanced view of ourselves - not so great that no one can tell us anything but not so bad that we hate ourselves.  Speak positively to yourself, because other people will happily speak negatively.  Your strength is what's necessary for you to make it.
And her spoken part near the end is good stuff too: "Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere.
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair. Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. Why do we do that? Why do I do that"  Too often we think and care too much about what others say/think about us.  We almost seek out critics and want to hear what others have to say about us rather than making our own statement and being ourselves.  We compromise ourselves and do things for other people....  Why do we do that?
So, as the chorus says, if you have a moment where you think you're less than, remember that you're perfect.  And if you're still doubting, remember that you're perfect to me.  And, of course, perfect isn't in the sense of being without flaws.  It's about being sufficient and beautiful just as you are.

Day 87 - The Importance of Loving Others

One of my devotionals from several weeks ago came back to mind as I pondered what to write about today.  It was entitled "The Importance of Loving Others," and it begins with the following introduction: "recently a twelve-year-old boy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, hung himself.  Why?  Because the next day was his first day at a new school, he was overweight, and he dreaded being taunted by other children."  For me, this is a truly sad commentary on society and this young man's experience.  It is heart-breaking for several reasons: people can be so cruel in dealing with people who are different, society/the media tends to put pressure on people to look/be a certain way and there are painful consequences for those who don't fit, and he didn't have a strong enough sense of self or support system to get beyond the teasing.  I know I endured a good bit of teasing for the first... 18 years of my life, and it was hard on me.  There were definitely moments when I contemplated doing what the young man did, but I'm thankful that there was always someone who I knew loved me, even if it just felt like 1 person.  But unfortunately there are too many people who don't even feel like there's 1 person who they can say honestly cares whether they live or die.
The devotional then goes on to talk about the disciples asking about the blind man in John 9, saying, "was it a result of his own sins or those of his parents?"  The author of the devotional makes a good point in saying, "they weren't concerned that the man needed help or that he'd spent his life in total darkness.  No, they started discussing his shortcomings - right in front of him.  It's easier to label people than love them."  All too often, people get caught up in labeling others and deciding, based on stereotypes and generalizations, that a person is less than deserving of their love and attention, or even just their respect as a fellow human being.  It's been said that if you don't love people, you can't love God, but many people spend everyday acting as if they can't stand most of the people that they come into contact with, including themselves. 
It's not enough to say, "I love everyone."  Your actions, your politics, your spending habits, your social circles, and your life should show it.  I don't care what your doctrine tells you - nowhere does the God I serve tell you to hate, judge, stereotype, critique, or otherwise disrespect another human being for any reason.  Your job is to love.  God's job is to fix (if God deems it necessary - some things that people want to fix are not even concerns to God).

Day 86 - Out of Order

I was in church this morning, and I must first say that I appreciate the creativity of the worship team for coming up with the different themes and such for service.  Today's theme was "Law and Order," and so the sermon was actually a skit that included a court case and some songs.  Jesus was on trial for breaking the law and Judge G.O.D was presiding.  As the Judge gave the verdict, he talked about how religious folks tend to focus on the word and letter of the law, but God's focus is a little different.  In talking about the actions of Jesus, he said, "It may have been out of 'order,' but it was in God's will.  God cares less about rules and more about relationship."
Now, being that love is the major focus of my life, it is clear that, whatever your religious affiliation may be, Jesus is a beautiful example of showing love that worked radically against society and the "norm."  Despite laws and rules and traditions that should have hindered, Jesus courageously showed love by healing people on the Sabbath, proclaimed forgiveness for sins, and even stopped judgment for the woman caught in adultery.  And as any good Christian, it's my desire to follow the example of Jesus in my own life.
So this got me thinking about the way that we experience life and love.  Do we let society and rules and stereotypes dictate who and how we love?  Do we fight being authentic in the name of someone else's prescription of who we should be and how we should act?  Do we let someone's race, gender, class, economic background, social status, or anything else like that stop us from loving someone or even entering relationship with them, even if we feel God may be leading us to that person?  Is there someone you should reach out to or trust a little more that you are afraid to because you're concerned about what others will think?  What healing and love are you cutting up from your life because of fear?
I would encourage you to embrace love in whatever form it comes.  While we as people place restrictions on who and how we can love, God knows no such boundaries.  If we are open to it, God will even send people into our lives who we don't expect to love in order to teach us the most profound, beautiful lessons of love.  I have found had some sisters in my life who I have loved and been more intimate with than any man in my life.  While I wasn't expecting that much love from a woman, God has blessed me, and I'm glad to have received the love that I needed.  While it may raise an eyebrow or concern or a religious stigma, I know that God blessed me with the people in my life in the way that they are they in my life, and I refuse to be limited in the way that God moves because other people feel some type of way.
Embrace love however it comes to you.  Don't be afraid of boundaries that are not true to your heart and soul.  Be open and let love free you and heal you as it's intended to do.  Build relationship and let God (not religion, not society, not the Church) lead the way.

Day 85 - Lay It Down (Dwele)

This song is one that has an interesting feel to it.  I think I appreciate the fact that he recognizes the beauty of this woman and is trying to help her get beyond some past baggage.  "Lay it down.  You should never ever, let lost love get the best of you, just lay it down.  One man's loss is this man's gain.  Won't you lay down your pain and breathe. I got what you need if you ever feel the need to lay it down.  It's your world if only for one night, it's for you."  It's clear that she's been recently hurt, and he appears to be attempting to comfort her.  He seems to be trying to convince her to trust him and even spend the night with him.
"I find it hard to believe someone as beautiful inside, as well as physical, would hold back something so emotional.  Just let it go, and lay it down, and enjoy yourself if only for the night.  Just leave it because a new day tomorrow will bring.  We will leave no void this moment can't replace.  So just, lay it down on me."  I guess my only concern with the song is that he appears to be trying to get her to trust him and even have sex with him, but I have to wonder if there is a friendship there, or if he just met her and sees she's sad so he's just trying to push up on her and take advantage, especially considering the 'one night' clause.  But then he says, "If I had one wish, it would be that I could spend more time with you and live in your aphrodisiality, so that we could do things lovers do.  If I could, you know I, give my love.  No need to worry about what time it is.

You'll find myself to be available, so that I could know exactly what it is."  So maybe he is a genuine friend who wants to know her and even build a relationship with her.
If there's one thing I've learned, as much as it's important to be able to spend time by yourself to heal from certain things, some things can only be learned and healed in relationship with others.  "Come here, lady.  Lay it down, let your soul be down, I'm gonna give you peace of mind." I know that time by myself in reflection and prayer can do wonders for me.  But on the other side of that, there are some things that I could only learn in the context of a romantic relationship and some things I could only learn in a platonic friendship with a male and some things I could only learn in a circle of sisters. 
So, I encourage being able to lay down some of your struggles and trust in safe space.  Allow the Spirit to lead you as you seek relationship, because every relationship will teach you something.  That doesn't mean to have a relationship with everyone you meet, but it does mean that you shouldn't shun every person or refuse to trust everyone because of past experiences and heartbreak. 

Day 84 - Mishandled

As I was having a discussion this morning with 2 of my girls about a recent situation, one of my brilliant sisters shared the following insight: "Love is a beautiful thing - the way it's handled, not so much."  I love to talk about love, but I realized last night that I am still semi-petrified of the idea of being in a romantic relationship.  The reason is because, as much as I love the beautiful thing called love, the way it manifests and translates in broken people can bring ridiculous pain and frustration.  Even when you are blessed as I am to have love within a divine space like I share with my sisters, the truth of the matter is that when I step outside that space, the reality of relationship is a much uglier animal.
Something else that relates to the discussion from this morning is that, as much as we can love someone else, they will not always have the desire or capacity to return that love or even appreciate it.  For instance, when you have had a falling out with someone that's come to no resolution, yet you call them and ask for help (and said help requires the person to get out of bed at 7am and drive 20 minutes to provide assistance) and their automatic response is to do it, then there is love involved.  Then when you add on top of that the fact that the person you called has been sick for 3 days, but you wouldn't know that because you haven't checked on them, but they are still willing to come help you, love is involved.  But the mishandling comes in when you say 1. it's an April Fools' joke  2. the person wants to get food for the medicine they just took but you wanna get a point across so you tell them that they are full of $#!* and 3. you hang up on the person.  REALLY?!
One of my friends checked her 'Message from God' on the Facebook app for today, and it said, "On this day, God wants you to know... that devotion to God begins with devotion to your family and community. It is much easier to proclaim abstract and remote love, then to step into the midst of living and keep an open heart through the thick of it. Be there where you are needed the most."  While this is a painful reality, it is quite true.  As much as I like to write about love, I have to roll up my sleeves and walk into the dirt of relationships, understanding that it will not be easy.  I have the bubble of my girls that allows me to experience love in a space that I know is safe, but I know that, in the face of understanding that mishandling happens.
Now, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that we have all both mishandled someone and been mishandled by someone.  This is the unfortunate nature of life, and pain is indeed cyclical.  But on the other hand, love is as well.  So if you have been mishandled, take care to get some healing and resolution so that you don't mishandle someone else.  And if you are being mishandled, take time to evaluate the situation - is it one you need to be in?  Is it one that you can help by being involved in?  Will outside help be beneficial?  What will make the space safe and healthy for both of you?  Are you ready to make some decisions that could be potentially painful now to ensure a better future?
Remember, Love itself is not the problem.  Love will never hurt you, but the way we handle each other in the space of love.