Day 97 - Held Back

"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present."  - Marianne Williamson

While I am a fan of Marianne Williamson, I am not entirely sure if I agree 100% with this statement.  On the one hand, it is true that the love that we extend in the present is critical to the life that we live today.  If I was unwilling to give love to those around me, I would live a very miserable life, because few people want to love someone who doesn't in some way reciprocate.    When we are able to give love, we most likely will receive love in return.  As of late, this has been my experience.  I am learning to both give and receive love, and it's a wonderful thing.
On the other hand, however, there is a place where I take slight issue with the above statement.  The ability to give love is assumed, but I know for a fact that it's not always as easy as that.  In fact, the love that you didn't receive in the past has an effect on your ability to give love in the present.  If that weren't the case, the present probably wouldn't be an issue. Without learning how to properly give love in the past, it is hard to properly give love in the present, which will hold you back in a sense.
So while I understand the sentiment - that we are more in control of our lives and present circumstances than we sometimes give ourselves credit for - it's important to recognize the place of the past in our lives.  But we should never let the past be the dictator of our future.  It is important to recognize what the past has taken from/given to you, but it's up to you in the present to find healing for those things and move forward  in a more positive direction. 

Day 96 - Where You At (revisited)

I have come to the understanding that I am in process and that I am ever evolving.  Because of this, my perspective on things can change.  As one of my friends told me yesterday, I look at things as if through a prism - I turn something over and around in my head and see it different ways from all different angles.  While this isn't always a good thing, as in the context of the conversation we were having, it can prove beneficial in certain respects, and I believe that this is one of them.  Because I love JHud's voice and her passion when she sings, I continued listening to the song even though it originally bothered me.  As I did, I found another layer as I began to hear resonances of her song in my own soul.
Now, I've been single for quite a while now, but this song seems to have further application than the literal voice and meaning.  While Jennifer was singing to a romantic partner, I believe that the basis of the song is trust and broken promises.  Trust is crucial in every relationship, and when trust is broken, there can be a sense of disappointment, betrayal, and abandonment.  These can be poisonous feelings that hurt not only the relationship in question but the person experiencing the emotions.  This seems to be where this song is coming from, and that can be experienced in any relationship.  The one that comes to mind for me is the parent-child relationship, because that is the one that resonates strongest for me.
Now, I have never been a parent, but I am a child, and I can say that there were many a night when "I went to sleep on a cloud and woke up in the dirt" because yet another promise had been broken.  Even some basic needs and desires that children have of parents weren't met, and I often wondered why it was so hard to have my needs met and why I was being "failed" by those in my life who I should have been able to count on. This has forever changed my life and perspective, and I have a feeling I'm not the only child with such experiences or feelings.
I admonish parents to be as loving, truthful, and dedicated to your children as possible. Everything you do and say, don't do or don't say affects your children.  To people who have dealt with the pain of those broken promises, practice forgiveness and understanding.  While it may be true that you weren't lied to or neglected, that doesn't have to be your entire story or the determining factor for the rest of your life.  While your parents were in control when you were younger, you now have the power to be in control.  Know that just because you have been less than cared for doesn't make you any less worthy of care.  You still deserve to be fully loved and appreciated even if that hasn't been your experience.  Everyone deserves to be loved.  Become a healthier you (whether through counseling, prayer, introspection, etc) and don't make the same mistakes in your relationships (parental or otherwise) that you've seen/experienced others making.
Do your best to be at your best, and don't ever have people asking "where you at?"!

Day 95 - Smooth

I have always appreciated this song.  The beat, the vibe, all of it makes me happy.  And as I grow up and think more about the music that I listen to, I spent a little time with this song.
"And if you say, 'This life ain't good enough,' I would give my world to lift you up.  I could change my life to better suit your mood cuz you're so smooth."  This is an interesting lyric, because it speaks to an intense passion for someone.  Giving up your whole world to lift someone up is a lot.  This person has to be amazingly smooth for you to be willing to give up so much.
But then he says, "And it's just like the ocean under the moon.  Well it's the same as the emotion that I get from you.  You got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth, yeah.  Gimme your heart, make it real, or else forget about it."  So, he recognizes that her smoothness has its limits.  He knows that he's pulled by her, but he is wise enough to see that even in his passionate feeling, he wants to be clear about how she feels and relate to him in a way that will be healthy for him.  He wants a real relationship, and he wants her to be clear about that. 

"I'll tell you one thing - if you would leave it would be a crying shame.  In every breath and every word I hear your name calling me out."  Of course, he recognizes that he has deep feelings for her, and when she leaves, there is a void in his life.  It is something deep to hear someone's name in your every breath and every word....  That is a strong pull and connection. 
I do have to wonder what kind of actual relationship they have.  Based on the song, it seems as if it is intense, but there may be some vacillation or question.  Are they really in relationship or is this just someone he's seen in passing.  Either way...  I say have fun dancing to the song and know what you want/need in a relationship. 

Day 94 - Firework

While I'm admittedly not a huge fan of Katy Perry, I do absolutely love this song.  And I'm amazed that I haven't blogged about before now, but as I was sitting in the car with one of my friends listening to the song, we talked about how powerful it was, and I realized that it clearly deserved an entry and that today would be the day.  The first time I heard it, I was in my car flipping through the channels on the radio.  A song had just ended, so I was waiting to see what the next song would be.  The DJ said something about a new song by Katy Perry and I thought, I'll pass.  But as I reached down to change the station, he said that the name of the song was "Firework."  I paused, because I'm a fan of fire, fireworks, and all things related, so I figured I'd give the song a listen.
"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?  Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards - one blow from caving in?  Do you ever feel already buried deep?  Six feet under,  scream, but no one seems to hear a thing?"  I think I was feeling something similar at the time.  Even with some great things going on in my life at the time, I felt like I was still... just blah.  I felt like life was just moving me along.  Actually, I'd felt like that most of my life.  It was not a good feeling, and so I was intrigued as to what she would have to say about my less than grand feelings.

"Do you know that there's still a chance for you?"  Is there really?  Are you sure?  I've never really felt like there was.  I mean, there are glimmers and words of hope, but will things ever really be that much different than what they are now?  And what makes you so sure?
"Cause there's a spark in you."  Do tell.  Having studied religion for most of my collegiate life, I'm aware of the concept of a divine spark being within all of us.  Either way, because of my love for fire, I was intrigued once again and wanted to know more about this spark that could potentially change my life.
"You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine.  Just own the night like the Fourth of July. Cause baby, you're a firework - come on show 'em what you're worth.  Make 'em go 'Oh, oh, oh!' as you shoot across the sky. 
Baby, you're a firework - come on let your colors burst.  Make 'em go 'Oh, oh, oh!'  You're gonna leave 'em going 'oh, oh, oh!'"  Okay, so I have to have confidence and fire.  And apparently I'm a firework - I'm a beautiful, powerful explosion of light and color that people anticipate and enjoy.  The spark in me is lit, but it's up to me to add fuel to the fuel and bring forth that core fire.
"You don't have to feel like a waste of space - you're original, cannot be replaced. If you only knew what the future holds - after a hurricane comes a rainbow.   Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.  Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time, you'll know."  So I am not an accident, even if the birth control slipped or there was no intentional child-making.  And I'm unique and irreplaceable (sorry, Beyonce).  And life is lining up so that I can move in the direction of my true destiny, even if that means I have to encounter some setbacks and frustrations along the way.  But once I find "that thing," I will know, and as I live/walk in it, it will be clear to me and to the world that I'm where I'm supposed to be, because I will be that firework, that lightning bolt of life and energy.
"Boom, boom, boom!  Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. It's always been inside of you, you, you.  And now it's time to let it through."  So, I was shaped in the womb and born with this... purpose and push inside me that is to propel me forward.  It's up to me to find it and allow it to be made manifest in my life. 

Wait... how does this relate to love?  It is not until I love myself that I can have the courage/confidence to find my spark and push forward in life, esp in the face of obstacles, opposition, and haters.  Anybody can live a life, make some money, and just exist.  But it takes courage to find your purpose and live it out, especially if it is of the artsy or spiritually-directed persuasion. 
So realize that you are a beautiful, amazing, powerful creation... and we, the world, are watching and waiting to see you come forth in your full spectrum and splendor of color.

Day 93 - Out the Box

In my life, I have seen much as it relates to God and church and religion.  I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and was saying that she prays for other people's stuff, but she doesn't pray about her own stuff.  This concerned me of course, and I had to ask why.  She said she just feels like it's not as important.  This calls to mind something I wrote a while back, and I'm gonna put it here for the focus of today's blog.


Now, most of the people that I went to grad school with have at some point heard my resistance to doing a PhD, and I will definitely stand on that resistance with all that I have. It’s not just a resistance to further school, but I’m not a fan of politics and the things that control education apart from the actual learning. YET, I were to do a PhD, I might have to do it based on something that has become a passion of mine in recent years. While I am admittedly in an interesting place as it pertains to the Church and organized religion as it is now, I still like the Church and would love to see it doing what I feel like it was founded to do – transmit the heart of God to the people, especially via fellowship with other people. Now, this may seem a bit vague, and many may say that the Church has other duties and responsibilities. It’s even possible to interpret my general description in many ways depending on how you see God, the Church, religion, human nature, etc. Even with all that as the case, I feel like there is more that the Church can do for people’s everyday lives, especially in the vein of psychology.
This became especially apparent to me after a conversation with one of my friends. We were talking about life and such in general, and he made it clear that his relationship with God was slightly interesting and related to his lack of relationship with his father. Sadly, lack of relationships with fathers is the story of a lot of people I know and it has some devastating effects on people. My concern with this is that people who do not have such relationships should be able to find comfort in church, especially if church is supposed to introduce us to a loving relationship with the Father of fathers. I’m reminded of the verses in Matthew 7 that talk about a father’s love for his children – “if your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t do such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?” The NIV says, “how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
God is not sitting on the throne in Heaven waiting for you to mess up in order to punish you. If we are to believe that God is embodied in Jesus, then we should make the connection between Jesus’ heart and compassion for us and God’s. The same Jesus that said things like “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do,” “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” “forgive 70 times 70,” and more is taught to be the same as the God who sits above. So why is it that Jesus is painted as a gentle, compassionate savior but God is an angry, vindictive tyrant whose wrath is His only trait? Such a portrayal of God can be especially damaging for people who have grown up with absent (physically or emotionally) fathers, because they have no real concept of a good relationship with a father. When this punishment-happy image of God is painted in their minds, they have no loving example of a father to weigh it against or frame of reference for imagining anything else, so they are stuck with assuming that this God they need to serve is a bully who wants slaves.
While I am not God, I’m fairly certain that this picture is not one that God would agree with. It does more harm than good, and it can create unfortunate struggles for people whose hearts desire a real relationship with God but are scarred by religion and scared by the Church into thinking that God would sooner smite them than welcome them into the divine presence if they even think a wrong thought. Sometimes I wonder if the Church has even read the book they call holy, because then stories like the prodigal son would illustrate that even people who intentionally mess up get welcomed back with open arms. The father in the story doesn’t make the son jump through hoops, do 100 religious rituals, apologize to the church, or anything like that. The father runs to meet him, hugs him, adorns him in the father’s finery, and throws him a party.
One of my favorite TV shows ever is “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” It offers many lessons and insights into life and spirituality and belief in one’s self. One moment in the show that touched me happened near the end of the series. Zukko was the prince of the Fire Nation, and he’d been banished by his father for disrespect. When he left, his uncle went with him, and he always offered Zukko advice, encouraging him to live life and teaching him wisdom. Zukko’s concern was finding the Avatar, because that would appease his father and gain his father’s love. Through various events, Zukko gained back his father’s approval but betrayed his uncle and got him put in jail. Once Zukko realizes that his father had been an evil man and that his uncle had been a real father to him, he seeks out his uncle and approaches him saying, “Uncle, I know you must have mixed feelings about seeing me, but I want you to know I am so, so sorry, uncle. I’m so sorry and ashamed of what I did. I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you, but I…” At this point, his uncle grabs and hugs him. Zukko says, “how can you forgive me so easily? I thought you would be furious with me.” As they both cry, his uncle continues to hold him, saying, “I was never angry with you. I was sad because I was afraid you lost your way.” Zukko responds, “I did lose my way.” His uncle replies, “but you found it again.”
I think this scene represents how God feels about us. God wants the best for us, and it breaks God’s heart when we seek other ways of getting the bounty that God would give us freely in God’s will. We spend so much time looking for love in other broken people, approval from people who don’t even approve of themselves, material things to fill the emotional voids, pleasure to hide the pain, and so much more that we can’t possibly reach to God for them. Besides, why would we if we’ve been taught that God doesn’t really care, that God will only love/bless us when we are perfect, that God isn’t concerned with our day to day lives but somehow demands our undying loyalty and obedience, wanting to use us for holy purposes then leave us to work out most of life on our own? For a God with unconditional love, omniscience, omnipresence, and other such traits, it is hard to imagine that God would treat us like we so often treat each other – using people to suit a particular purpose then ignoring them until they are needed again.
So, I wanna look at how religion/God can contribute to psychology and the things that happen in life. Maybe this is supposed to be what the church is about in general, but it doesn’t seem to happen that way. Like the Pharisees, the Church has been putting restrictions and laws and traditions on people that God never intended. We get mad at the Pharisees for not recognizing Jesus, but the Church seems to be doing the same thing, placing restrictions and not allowing grace where it should apply. The Church wants to legislate our lives without introducing us to the reason we should desire live lives that differ from the norm. People (in and out of the Church) see Christianity as a bunch of rules, and this is understandable. When it’s introduced as things that God wants you to do without allowing a relationship with God to build and develop, then it is just rules in the name of God (and clearly I can’t argue with God, so I can’t argue with the rules).  And I have to ask if we are supposed to fear God when the Bible says that “perfect love casts out all fear.”
I say, let’s get to know God. Ask God to show up and allow you to really see what real relationship feels like. Yes, church has a lot of things to say, but God talks too. I’m not saying that the Church is horrible and that we should all desert it, but I will say that God is bigger than a book, a building, and a pastor. Let God’s love make the difference in how you see yourself, knowing that God sees you as beautiful, worthwhile, and amazing just because you exist. As a man explained to his son who did something wrong, “there’s nothing you can ever do that will make me love you less.” That’s how God feels about you.

So as you reflect on what's been said, think about God - not as a religious entity or being created in the mind of religious institutions but as a relating being who has a heart for you.  Don't worry about doctrines, dogmas, or church requirements, because those things don't really matter in the end.  Take God out of the box of religious boundaries, and you will be blessed.

Day 92 - Lesson Learned

While this is the second Alicia selection in 2 days, this one has a very different feel than the one from yesterday.  Today's song is about the tougher side of love - the end of it.  While it would be wonderful if we were only in 1 romantic relationship our whole lives, if we only had lifelong friends and relationships without end, if there was  no such concept as heartbreak, the unfortunate reality of life is that at some point or another, someone will break our hearts.  But, being a slight optimist, I try to look on the bright side of even those dark days.  That is why this song by Alicia Keys strikes a bit of a chord with me. 
Yes, a broken heart is a painful thing, but on the positive side, "Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned. Mistake overturned, so I call it a lesson learned.  My soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned.  Another lesson learned."  We can/should always learn something from each relationship we encounter.  We may learn how to love ourselves, how to trust someone, how to recognize patterns (good or bad), how to trust our instincts, how to be intimate without sex, how to express ourselves better, or even how to let go of something that's unhealthy even when we still want it.  Either way, we should gain something from each friendship and romantic relationship that we engage.
"Sometimes some lies can take a minute to fully realize - his tears, your eyes. Thirty seconds to apologize. You give it one more chance, just like the time before, but he already know you'd give a hundred more, until that night in bed - you wake up in a sweat, you're racing to the door, can't take it anymore."  For me, this is the most powerful point of the song.  It talks about how we can sometimes love to the point where we forgive and we allow things, and the person takes advantage of our love with flowers or candy or a "heart-felt apology."  But then one day, something in us finally clicks and says, "no! I deserve more than this and I will not continue to settle for what I have."  To me, that is powerful.  Even though earlier verses say that someone had been telling her for a minute, it's not until we get it for ourselves and we ourselves decide that enough is enough that change can happen. 
Until we love ourselves enough to want and work for me, we won't get it.
Consider your past and even current relationships.  Are there lessons that need to be gleaned for your healing and personal/relational growth?  As I think through my own romantic relationships (I'm only counting official ones), I realize that (in chronological order) they each taught me things: 1. you are beautiful just as you are  2. love can come in forms you don't expect  3. no one can complete you - you must love yourself  4. you are worthy of love just because you exist and because of who you are - you don't have to earn it  5. you must take care of you and recognize where you are and what you need.  With each of these lessons in mind, I am empowered to move forward, improving as an individual so that hopefully my next romantic relationship will be better than the previous ones (not that they were all bad) and maybe even be the final one. 
Don't get bitter, get better...

Day 91 - How it Feels to Fly

"I am riding high. Don't wanna come down - hope my wings don't fail me now. If I can touch the sky, I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly."  The first time I heard this song, I instantly loved the chorus.  I was at a place in life where I felt restless and knew I needed to grow.  So when I heard this song, it was like a push to do more and go higher.  "I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly..."  The feeling of flying is worth the risk of the fall (and the pain associated with said fall).  And as a person who has dealt with both the fear of heights and a paralyzing fear of pain, I knew that anything that motivated me enough to try in the face of 2 strong opponents would have to be a very strong force and influence.  

"Have you ever felt so strong that it made you feel weak? Long days, long nights and you just can't sleep. Have you ever been so sure that it gave you cold feet? Gotcha floating on air, you can feel your heart beat." I was admittedly a bit puzzled by these lines the first time I heard them, as they are intentional contradictions.  How are you so strong that you're weak or so sure that you get nervous/uncertain?  But as I thought about it, I realized that there are times in our lives that we can be so empowered and so strong in what we are doing that it makes us nervous.  Even though we know we are walking in our destiny or headed in the right direction, we may feel that power moving within us and it makes us nervous, because we're not used to feeling that complete and strong.  Most of life tends to be so mediocre and "chill" that in those moments when we are fully alive, such strength scares us.

"Have you ever felt so lost, but didn't know till you were found? Looking everywhere, but you finally see now. In a room full of people, it feels like no one's around. Gotcha head in the clouds and your feet are off the ground."  A lot of times, I think we walk through life in something of a daze.  Of course, we don't necessarily know how much more there is until we get a taste or glimpse of it (have you ever felt so lost but didn't know till you were found).  But I think that somewhere deep inside, we have a sense that there's more to life than what we have, and this is probably the substance of our dreams (awake and asleep), and it can even change our sense of reality.  That's why you can be surrounded by people and feel alone - you are so far into your reality that other people seem to vanish.  Or sometimes the place where we find ourselves internally won't let us connect to those around us, leaving us isolated even in the midst of a crowd.  But I think even those feelings can be used as positive fuel for moving us in the right direction.

"Well, I never knew this feeling ever. I hope it stays and lasts forever."  While it's not something we're used to feeling, it's a high like no other, and it's definitely something we will want to repeat.  Being fully alive, walking in the fullness of who you were created to be, experiencing love in the truest and deepest sense... all these things can give us the feeling of flying, and while there is some risk involved, the payoff is priceless. 

"I am riding high. Don't wanna come down - hope my wings don't fail me now. If I can touch the sky, I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly."  I thank God for not only my relationship with Her that allows me to feel that push and the wind beneath my wings but also for the people in my life who model for me how to do that and who motivate me to trust my own wings and fly....  

I encourage you to reconnect with moments in your life when you felt that you were flying.  What was happening in that moment?  Who was around?  How was that moment connected to your purpose?  How can you make that a more consistent space in your life?  FLY!