Day 178 - I Wish I Knew How it Would Feel to be Free

“I wish I knew how it would feel to be free.  I wish I could break all the chains holding me.  And I wish I could say all the things that I should say.  Say it loud, say it clear for the whole world to hear.” 

“I wish I could share all the love that’s in my heart – remove all the bars that keep us apart.  And I wish you could know what it means to be, then you’d see and agree that every man should be free.”

“I wish I could give all I’m longing to give.  And I wish I could live like I’m longing to live.  And I wish I could do all the things that I can do.  Though I’m way over due, I’d be starting anew.”

In hearing the words to this song, I think about the fact that there are many people wishing for freedom.  It’s unfortunate that even though I can do much in the way of making myself free as a person, there are sometimes systemic things that I can never change on my own that will influence my life.  And I think that’s what this song is about.  We desire so strongly to do certain things or to be certain things, but at times, there can be laws or unwritten rules that keep people below glass ceilings.  Of course, John Legend is now in a place where he can do many of the things that he wishes to do in this song, but even in his place of influence, even he cannot get bounds certain bounds held by race, wealth, and power. 

Being free, breaking bounds and chains, free speech, true love, breaking down barriers, sharing the struggles of all people, giving to the less fortunate, doing all that you dream, and starting afresh – these are his desires, and I think these are shared by a lot of people.  As much as I’m about individual growth and change, it doesn’t mean much if we don’t then take what we’ve learned and gained and help someone else.  So while I fight my own issues and demons, I also have to keep in mind that there are others struggling as well.  That’s why there were white people who participated in the Civil Rights Movement, because they understood that this was part of a human issue. 

“Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky.  How sweet it would be if I found I could fly.  O, I’d soar to the sun then I’d look down at the sea, and I’d sing cuz I know… how it feels…”  This last stanza of the song is admittedly my favorite.  Even though nothing has changed in the singer’s life, he is allowing his mind to get beyond where he is and imagine flying.  Changing things begins with imagining that they can be changed.  When you have the presence of mind to see beyond where you are, then you have the vision that will help motivate you to do what’s necessary to seek to make change.  You’re not the only one who wants to be free, so find a way to get involved and push for freedom.  And even if you have all the rights and freedoms and privileges you want, be aware that not everyone else does, so feel free to fight for someone else. 

First they came for the communists, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak out for me.

-Pastor Martin Niemöller

Day 177 - Why Do I Allow This?

I have had many conversations and experiences in recent years that have shown me people asking this question.  Too many times, I have seen people get into and/or stay in situations that they know aren’t good for them or are beneath what they deserve.  People stay in abusive relationships or relationships with people who are intentionally unfaithful, people who are already in relationships, people who don’t love them or who they don’t love, or otherwise problematic situations even when they recognize and agonize over the abuse.  While this doesn’t apply exclusively to romantic relationships, this tends to be the place where the pain happens. 

But why?  Why do we stay in situations that we know are not positive?  In my observations, I’ve seen quite a number of reasons and justifications:

1.       Financial support – some people have their lives so intertwined with the person they are in relationship with that they become financially dependent on them.  Or if they provide them luxuries and a lifestyle that they couldn’t previously afford, and they put up with less than ideal behavior to enjoy the material pleasures.

2.      Societal (and familial) pressure – being single, especially over a certain age, can raise eyebrows and concerns.  As children, we are shown fairy tales with princes and princesses who fall in love and ride off into the sunset.  Even action movies have love interests and romances, though most of the star characters in the movies would be ill-suited for actual relationships.  Either way, we are encouraged to grow up, be in romantic relationships, get married, and have kids so that we can be “productive” members of society, and so some people stay just so they are not single.

3.      Settling – sometimes when you’ve been in a relationship for ages, you feel that you’ve invested too much time and energy to go anywhere else.  Plus, dating can be tough and frustrating, so sometimes it’s just easier to stick with what you have than to risk it for the uncertainty on the outside.  At least you know the mess you have – why risk unfamiliar mess?   Or maybe all we’ve ever known is mediocrity and incompleteness in love and we don’t know that more is even possible. 

4.      Misplaced hope – sometimes we stay because we think/hope we can change the person or the relationship.  We think that with enough love and time, we can change the person.  At times this happens, but at what expense to you?  Do you have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to help them?

5.      The kids – I’ve heard too many people say that they stayed in a relationship for the kids.  I’ve also talked to far too many kids who say that they would have rather their parents separated.  If the “primary” relationship in a home is troubled and basically devoid of love, it has no choice but to poison the others around it.  And with misery comes abuse of some kind, be it verbal, physical, emotional, or substance, and it tends to do more harm than good.  I’m sorry to say, but the 2-parent household is not the answer to society’s issues when healthy love is not present. 

6.      Self-worth – of all the reasons listed, I believe that this one is at the heart of most of the insufficient relationships in which we remain entangled.  Somewhere along the way, we were told or shown and convinced that we don’t deserve more than we have.  Maybe we were told by a partner that no one would ever love us so we may as well stay.  Maybe our parents didn’t show us love and caused us to search for it and cling to any halfway decent show of affection that we could find.  Maybe we were assaulted or violated in a way that stripped our self-esteem, and we haven’t found the healing to help us (re)build ourselves.  Even if we consciously know better and walk with a confident stride, our hearts sometimes find it difficult to let go, because our heart is the place that seeks affirmation and love at any cost. 

7.      Fear – We may have even found something that resembles love or has pieces of what we want, but there are painful gaps that we overlook, because we don’t know that we’ll ever find this feeling again.  They may treat us great (most of the time) or we may find we have a great (spiritual, emotional, mental, physical) connection, but they are distant or controlling or unavailable in another way.  This again relates to the question of self-worth, because you find it hard to trust the Divine enough to provide a complete relationship for you (especially if you feel like you’re incomplete and you don’t think you deserve that).  Or maybe it’s a self-sabotage, because you don’t think you could handle a truly mutual, intimate relationship, so you accept relationships that don’t challenge you or make you have to be better, because you feel inadequate or that it will force you to grow up.

Whatever the reason is that you find yourself remaining in a place that’s not healthy, I encourage you to take a look in the mirror and consider loving the person you see.  I can’t tell you whether or not you need to leave – that’s something only you know.  But I will say that you can only know if you are honest deep down – past the fear and societal (and familial) concerns.  While we are typically taught to ignore our gut, it doesn’t typically stir us wrong (and I believe that’s because it is God residing in us and guiding us, but that’s just me).  Do you have the courage to get beyond the fear or comfort zone and do what’s best for you? 

And once you’ve left the situation, for the sake of your future relationships and your personal health, take some time BY YOURSELF to heal.  There’s nothing worse than taking old scars into a new relationship.  Most likely, you’ll find yourself in a similar relationship if you don’t take time to heal first.  And even if the one you find is better, you may not be able to appreciate it, or you may expect the new person to heal what was previously done.  No matter how wonderful anyone in your life is, they cannot help to heal what someone else has done if you are not already in the process of healing for yourself.  I know it’s not the easiest thing to do, but it is well worth it, trust me.  I’m not single for no reason right now….

Day 176 - Freedom

Today is a national holiday in the United States of America celebrating this country's freedom from the rule of Great Britain.  What was once a colony being governed by a place that didn't understand what was in their best interests became a separate nation of states who could govern themselves with the assistance of a unifying governing body.  In essence, they were 'free' to take care of themselves.  No longer would a single monarch, chosen by "divine right" or "royal blood" be the leader.  It would now be a person chosen by the people (well, an electoral college that supposedly represented the people). The people would have a say in who was governing them and what would happen in their own country....  And best of all, the founding fathers of the country decided that we would all have "inalienable rights" that would make everyone in the country 'free' and automatically able to pursue the best life possible.

So in America, we are considered ‘free,’ especially since the 15^th Amendment to the Constitution abolished slavery in America and set free millions of people of African descent who had previously been held legally in a system of chattel slavery.  Of course, there are those who will argue that freedom has still not been gained, not just by the descendants of slaves but by other minority groups in America.  This may be seen in the persecution of Muslims or the fight for rights that the LGBT community is currently engaged in (despite victories in places like NY). 

But that’s not really the freedom I want to address.  While it is probable that there will always be a minority group that struggles in one way or another to receive legal recognition or protection because the powerful think that the only way to remain such is suppress someone else, the kind of freedom that I want to address can be found lacking in any group in any place in the world.  Seneca the Younger, a Stoic philosopher once said, “it is a mistake to imagine that slavery pervades a man’s whole being; the better part of him is exempt from it: the body indeed is subjected and in the power of a master, but the mind is independent, and indeed is so free and wild, that it cannot be restrained even by this prison of the body, wherein it is confined.”  I’m sorry, Seneca, but I have to strongly disagree.  You never read the Lynch Letters that intended to make slavery the entire identity of the African slaves.  And you must have never lived in a place where you were told that part or all of you was wrong, an abomination, inferior, or anything like that.  This is bondage that I want to address. 

While I was born after the time in history where there was legal slavery, Jim Crow segregation, and even the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s, I have known my own form of bondage.  It is the kind that comes from societal pressure to be a good citizen, maternal pressure to be a lady, religious pressure to be a good Christian, and personal pressure to be what others wanted in order to gain love and acceptance.  And while it is good to have rules and order to prevent anarchy, it’s unfortunate that these institutions and pressures tend to push so hard as to kill diversity, difference, and individuality.  Such was the case for me for too much of my 26 years, and there are few places that will actually encourage you to “be free” and “be yourself.” 

Thankfully, God led me to the School of Theology at Virginia Union University, and OMG! if I wasn’t set free in so many ways by my time there with those people.  While I was deep in a shell when I got there, year by year, semester by semester, day by day, and class by class, I began to find the space to be myself.  I had previously been afraid of being wrong or even the sound of my own voice, but when my voice was valued and applauded (even requested), I found the strength to stand up and speak. 

Unfortunately, as my friend Lacette tweeted the other day, “Freedom has benefits and ramifications.”  As much as freedom to be myself is a beautiful thing, and I don’t have to do the work of figuring out which mask to wear in what circle of people, I do have to face the fact that not everyone will be happy about the authentic me, especially when it affords them less opportunity to take advantage of me.  Because I'm free, I have the presence of mind to stand up for what I believe in, and that can make other people uncomfortable, especially when my views disagree with theirs and I challenge them to rethink what they believe.  This can lead to conflict which makes it hard to be free at times.  Being free is often tempered with the desire to be accepted, which means giving up freedom. 

In the Bible, there is a story of the Israelites who have been set from the slavery and the rule of the Egyptian pharaoh.  While they have been set free, they now have the challenge of escaping the pharaoh (who changed his mind) and getting beyond the Red Sea which blocked their path.  At this point, freedom looks more problematic than the previous enslavement.  And even once they got beyond the Red Sea, they had to get through the desert and fight for the land that they claimed as their own….  But at least they were free. 

The question for some is whether freedom is worth it, given its high costs.  I’m inclined to think so.  Fight for your freedom.  Stand for yourself and even for those closest to you.  Be your authentic self and don’t be ashamed of it. 

Day 175 - I Come First

Now, at first glance, the title of this entry looks just a wee bit selfish.  Actually, it looks like the definition of selfish, but if you bear with me, you will soon see why I’m not just being a colossal jerk.  You see, in this place of my life, I have been doing much introspection as well as examination of those closest to me, and the more I examine, the more I realize that some things have to change.  Like Sophia, I feel like “all my life I had to fight,” but for the most part, I was wrestling with myself and not my brothers and cousins and such. 

Because I hated confrontation and arguments and tension, I would do whatever I could to avoid such.  I tucked my own feelings and thoughts and even myself in the interest of avoiding conflict.  And because I didn’t wanna hurt people’s feelings (because I experienced enough of that myself and didn’t want to do that to others), I said and did whatever I could to ensure that other people and their feelings were primary in my life, even if I suffered in the process.  I did so much hiding of myself that I even begin to forget about parts of myself and live as the portrayal.  In some cases, I was aware but ashamed of the “real me,” and I suffered much guilt and frustration trying to be something else, something “better.”  Neither of these roads are healthy, because the true self is being denied, and when that happens, you live below your potential and purpose.  Your identity is either one of shame or one that is merely a shell that portrays what others want but never gets to the core of who you are in a meaningful way.

Well, I’ve gotten to a place where this can no longer be the case.  I’ve had some difficult conversations in the past few months in the name of being authentic and true.  I realized that if I’m going to call someone “friend” that there should be a level of transparency and authenticity in the relationship.  For me, that means being able to share the whole (or at least the major bulk) of me and still be loved and accepted.  I would never expect total agreement, because no two people will ever agree on everything, but I shouldn’t have to hide myself with those who I call friends.  As a minister, I have to do enough editing of myself because of the expectations of people.  I should be able to let my hair all the way down when it comes to people who I consciously choose to spend time and be in relationship with.  

Admittedly, some of this comes from my own fear of rejection.  There have been times when I began to allow my true self to show (having sensed that it might be safe), and I’ve been rejected.  Or I have been the “great friend” because I never said no, but the moment I did say no, I was no longer as valued.  While I realize that said people weren’t typically true friends, it still affected me in that my value tended to be based in what I did more so than who I was anyway.  I did what I thought was necessary to keep people in my life and to keep from being rejected… 

Now, I have decided that I have to come first.  I can no longer where a mask, especially in places where I should be able to be comfortably myself.  Not everyone on earth will like me, and I’m okay with that.  I don’t have to do anything to earn love other than be my beautiful wonderful self.  And even in that, God loves me just as I am, because that’s how God created and designed me to be.  Will I always be giving and be respectful of the feelings of others?  Of course.  But I will no longer hold myself hostage for the comfort of someone else. 

Day 174 - Beautiful People

This pretty much says all of what I wanna say...  I have known some extraordinarily beautiful people (some of whom you have met via blog entries and some who will be in future blog posts), and knowing them has encouraged me to let my own beauty show.  For me, they are the ultimate examples of Love incarnate.  I am striving to be a beautiful person... and you should too.  :)  I know that life is hard, and that things happen that blow our minds (in good and bad ways), but I think beautiful people use such things to become better and not bitter. 

Day 173 - We're Halfway There

The year of 2011 is halfway over. 
Alright, now that the shock has worn off at the fact that this year seems to be FLYING, how are you feeling?  Have you seen your New Years Resolutions recently?  How have you changed in the past 6 months?  Have you changed?
I figure this is a good point at which to do a personal inventory and see what has changed in your life.  If you've been reading this blog, have you changed the way you think about love?  How are your relationships (with the Divine, others, and yourself)?  Have these 6 months brought you closer to your dreams and destiny, or was this just more time off the clock for you?  Think about it...  And once you've thought about it, do something positive about it, even if you like the answers to the questions.

Remember to share love with everyone you can.  You never know who needs it and how badly....