Day 185 - Short Story

So, I’ve decided to give short story/fiction writing a shot.  While I typically do poetry, blurbs and pieces of short stories have been swirling around in my creative think tank.  So combining those pieces with life experience, words from God, and experiences/inspiration from my friends (remember the friends with crushes from a couple months ago), I have sculpted an interesting short piece that I hope you’ll like.  And, as usual, feedback is welcome…

It started like any other day.  I went to work, did my job, and went back home.  I appreciated having a job, esp. in this economy, but I would have loved to start a little later.  Either way, though I was semi tired, I knew that I had to find some energy somewhere to write and talk to God before I went out with my friends that night.  Despite my tiredness, I was going to socialize that evening, because I loved and missed my friends dearly, and it would probably be a while before I hung with them again because our busy schedules often kept us apart.

To be kind to myself, I took a brief nap first.  While I slept, I dreamt that I was at the edge of a cliff.  For a long time, I paced and contemplated and wondered whether I should move forward (even though I could clearly see that life had ceased on this side and was continuing on the other side of the canyon), but I was scared to move forward, because the only way forward was off the edge of the cliff.  Eventually, I closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and took a step forward.  My outstretched arms turned into wings, and I walked through the sky, enjoying the feel of the air before taking my place on the ground on the other side.  I was met by my sister friends and a beautiful woman whose shirt said “Love,” and I knew instantly that she was God.  We hugged and as she began to whisper in my ear, sending tears down my face, I woke up.

Having recently done much wrestling in every area of my life, the dream was a welcome confirmation that I was close to the end of this part of my process and that I would soon fly free and really move forward in my life.  Recently, I had battled depression and serious insecurity regarding those close to me, but I felt myself growing stronger each day.  I was relieved to know that something positive was about to break in my life.  I put on some slow God music and let the Spirit flow as I listened to God whispering through the music.  I felt confirmed that the change I had been pushing for was imminent, and that the manifestation would visit me in beautiful, powerful ways.  And knowing that I was going out with my girls that night made me that much more excited, because great things tended to happen when I got around them.  Taking a quick shower, I freshened up and got diva dressed, because when rolling with my sisters, it was necessary to always be on point.  But even as a diva, I dressed comfortably in my black leggings and long purple tunic, adding a touch of sexy with my black heels. 

Finally, I was ready.  I checked my purse and my make-up and walked out the door.  I happily hopped into my car, cranked it up, connected my iPod, and took off from my apartment.  “Perfect” came on, and I turned it all the way up as I rolled down the windows and jammed.  “Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than, less than perfect.  Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me.”  It was wonderful to feel more strength from this song, and I put it on repeat as I drove.  With much work and persistence, I was beginning to believe that, despite the issues I’d had and what I had believed about myself, I too was perfect and wonderful.  With a smile in my soul and on my face, I pulled up to the restaurant where we were meeting. 

As usual, I was the first one there, so I took a moment to scribble in my journal, wanting to write while the dream and the revelations were still fresh in my mind.  I was hopeful that this break would include meeting someone new, because despite all that was going on in my life, I was lonely and would have liked someone to keep me company.  But I was learning to appreciate my sister friends as that intimate space and relationship that I needed, even if it wasn’t the traditional romantic relationship that I was used to seeking.  While I had joked with one of my sisters that I felt like I was in a relationship with them, it was beginning to feel like a reality, and it was changing the way I thought about relationships in general.  Reflecting on that pulled a tear from my eye, but I didn’t have time for that, because they had finally arrived, so I wiped my eye, retouched my make-up, and headed inside with them. 

Admittedly, I was there but not there as we ate and drank.  I mean, I laughed and listened as we talked about sex, and I even contributed when we talked about ministry and theology, but I was distracted….  My mind was on my dream and the emotional ups and downs that I’d been experiencing recently.  With this and my beverages, my tongue was loosened just a bit, and I got slightly mushy, reminding my sisters more than once how much I loved them.  Yet, despite the swirling thoughts and the giddy effect of the liquid mood enhancer, I had a few calm moments in which I looked at each of my sisters in turn, admiring the beauty that God (and fashion sense) had created. 

While we all varied in size, shape, and color, there was a beauty in each of them.  Adara was the elder of the group, and her wisdom was clear as crystal in her eyes.  Not only that, but she was confident, brilliant, sensitive and humble.  And it didn’t hurt that she dressed impeccably and had curves for days and a walk in heels that made said curves poetry in motion.  Gabrielle was born a few months behind her, but this didn’t create any discrepancy in their levels of wisdom.  She was like a mother to me in her nurturing, challenging nature, always pushing me to be better.  Her beauty lay in her push to be authentic no matter what came against her.  Of course, her fierce wardrobe, on par with Adara’s, always helped her stand out and attract attention of all sorts just like Adara.  Then there was Sapphire – the other “baby” of the group and my main bud.  When we met, we clicked instantly, and though circumstances had caused issues between us, God had a beautiful way of bringing us back together stronger than ever.  She was beautiful and gentle, but armed with strength and a protective nature that dared anyone to mess with her or those she loves.  She also dressed like a hardcore diva and loved a good pair of heels. 

With such beautiful, strong, well-dressed, anointed divas around me, I clearly had to step up my game, and I appreciated the push that they provided for me.  They truly reflected the love that God has for me.  And the fact that they loved and affirmed me just as I am without me needing to hide (though I sometimes still did out of fear) truly made all the difference in the world.  Even as I was learning to be okay with myself and to share myself wholly, it helped to have people who were already a step ahead of me in accepting me and cheering me on as I took each step into myself and my destiny.  I was amazed that I didn’t cry as I reflected on all of this considering my eyes had been leaking on and off for the past few months, but I had a feeling that would change soon enough.

By the time we were paying our checks, I was still enjoying the effects of my good friend Patron.  Thankfully we were headed to Gabby’s for a sleepover, so I just grabbed my bag from my car before getting in the backseat of hers.  We enjoyed some time on the balcony and talked about relationships.  It was during this time that my spirit began to stir, and the dream I’d had began to replay in the back of my mind.  I could feel the weight of being at the edge of the cliff, and I wondered what to do with these feelings in this moment and how to get to the other side.  Knowing that I needed to push myself to be open with them, I described the dream and my current feelings to the ladies, and they affirmed my dream.  They affirmed the progress that they’d seen and encouraged me to do whatever I needed to do in order to take that step.  While my face said that I was contemplating their words, inwardly I smiled at having been open and at the love that I received in their feedback. 

It wasn’t long before we were all tired (and the mosquitoes were making Happy Meals out of us), and we headed inside.  After saying good night, we went to our usual sleeping spots: Sapphire in the guest room, Gabby in her bed, and Adara and I on the sofa bed in the living room.  I sighed from deep within as I changed my clothes and lay on the sofa bed.  Even though it was quite understood that Adara was my sister and that she was happily in a relationship, there were moments when the less rational parts of me forgot those facts.  As I lay next to her, this turned into one such moment.  More than anything, I think it was frustrating, because as much as I had dealt with so many things in my life, the pull of loneliness and the remaining tug of my attraction to her reminded me of things that sometimes felt lacking in my life. 

So as I lay next to her, I could feel tears pricking my eyes.  My heart was tender, and the longing I felt grew in that moment to the point that it was painful.  Not to mention the alcohol still in my system amplifying the fact that life had pretty much been rubbing my emotions raw recently.  And I knew I was supposed to be able to be vulnerable and reach out to my friends, sharing the depths of myself with them, but it was still difficult.  Besides, she was tired, and I figured I should just manage this moment the best I could.  I was attempting to keep my tears at bay once again, but my usually silent tears decided to be auditory and alert her to my emotional state.

“Are you okay?” she asked, reaching over to rub my back.  I tensed slightly under her touch, but then I just sighed and decided to let the touch begin to comfort me.

“I’m alright.  I just… things have been so difficult and frustrating lately.  And even though I know it’s part of my process, it’s still really hard and leaves me feeling so vulnerable and sensitive and lonely, even having you all to surround me and love on me.  Most of the time, I still feel so alone.”  And with that, the tears that I had been holding to a trickle now came as a flood.  It was as if my soul opened up and finally released years of pain.  While I didn’t really want to cry in front of her (or anyone, but especially her because I knew how she felt about tears), my emotions had slipped beyond the careful control of my grasp, but it felt pretty good to finally exhale emotionally. 

She got up and found me a tissue, but that made me cry harder, because I was tired of trying to wipe away the pain.  It just needed to come out, and I think she picked up on that, so she came around to my side of the bed, lay next to me, and wrapped her arms around me.  I laid my head on her chest and just sobbed for a bit.  She said nothing as she embraced me, gently stroking my hair as she held me close and let me stain her shirt with my pain.  As I cried, I pictured the years of rejection and hurt slipping away, as if down a drain.  I saw faces and events and harsh words and much of what had burdened me wash away with each tear and at some point, the tears turned to those of joy, because I just knew that I had been set free.  I saw myself sprouting wings and soaring through the sky…

Once the tears passed, she asked how I was doing.  I told her what I’d felt as I cried and released, and she listened and smiled then expressed her happiness at my new freedom.  As I lay there looking in her eyes, I had a thought that kissing her would make this moment that much more complete….  But then I had a realization – I didn’t need that.  Granted, I was still attracted to her, but I understood that the love that I wanted and needed was found in the intimate space we shared that had allowed the moment of release to happen.  It was found in the fact that she held me and showed me the intimacy I needed that way.  It was found in me sharing my dream and dinner with women who I loved more than anything.  It was found in the fact that I could freely be myself and still be loved.  While I absolutely love the physical and sexual portion of life and relationship, it paled in comparison to what God had been trying to get me to see – the heart of love. 

In that moment, I thanked her, got up, and went out to the balcony.  I looked up and saw a large bird floating through the sky.  Tears once again decorated my face, and I whispered words of thanks to God, because I finally understood how it feels to fly…

Day 184 - Blame it on Me

Blame it on Me

I absolutely love this song.  Maybe it’s the power with which she belts the vocals.  Maybe it’s the depth of emotion with which she desires to be free from this now negative situation.  Or maybe it’s my memory of belting this song at a poetry night last month….  Either way, here goes. 

“Sometimes you can work it out.  Sometimes you can’t.  Sometimes you’re forced to watch everything fall apart – it’s out of your hands.  Sometimes leaving is easy, sometimes it ain’t.  Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had is slowly fading away.”  The reality of relationships is that they don’t always last.  As a previous entry highlights, relationships can be reason, season, or lifetime.  When we come to the realization that one of our relationships is anything short of lifetime, it can be a painful thing, as is the case in this song.  And sometimes, no matter how many conversations we have or how much we try to fix things, it will not change the fact that the end has come.

“You can say whatever you like, as long as we just say ‘good-bye.’  Blame it on me.  Say it’s my fault.  Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart.  I really don’t care.  I ain’t crying no more.  Say I’m a liar, a cheater, say anything that you want as long as it’s over.”  It appears as if Chrisette has recognized that her relationship has come to its ending point, and she is even willing to take the blame for it.  She’s just gotten to the point where she knows that it’s over.  She gives her partner permission to dog her out in the street and tell people that she messed up.  For her, this is a small price to pay for the freedom that she seeks in letting this relationship go.  While some people will argue tooth and nail to make it look like the other person’s fault when a relationship, she is willing to give him excuses to use if it will end things faster.

“I ain’t a quitter – I just ain’t the type.  I tried to see it through, I tried to make it to the finishing line.  Ooo, you thought it was meant to be.  I admit so did I.  Every once in a while, you think you figured it out – sometimes you’re not right.”  While she has given her all to try to make the relationship work, because she’s not the type to give up easily, she sees that this is not going to have a “happily ever after” ending.  They’d both thought that this was gonna be “the one,” but upon further exploration and relating, it’s become obvious that this is not the case.  I think this can be the case in any reason or season relationship that we try to apply lifetime status too.  Ideally all of our relationships would be lifetime so that we wouldn’t have to endure the pain of separation, but sadly, that’s not the case.

“Yes, I love you, but I really gotta lose you – freedom’s where I wanna be.  Yes, I’ll probably always love you, but I’m moving – gotta do this for me.”  The end of their relationship doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love the person.  It does, however, mean that being in this relationship is not allowing her to love herself in the best way.  The circumstances of the relationship have pushed her to need to break free, and, with her love for her friend in tow, she is moving on.

Day 183 - Rolling Hills

I love this song.  The performance of the song at the BET Awards solidified my love for it.  The song is a great one that espouses self-love and appreciating, encouraging women to recognize their worth.  This is truly important, especially in a society that says that women should look a certain way, be a certain size, and use their bodies to get what they want. 
"Maybe you don't recognize what you got between your thighs, so I'm gonna set you right, and I'm starting here tonight.  Shine like the moon and strong like the sea, more expensive than money, more valuable than anything. Juicy mango, summer peach - make a lame man walk and a full man hungry. And if you don't know what I'm saying then baby I'm telling you - there's power in them rolling hills.  Come on.  You're a prize possession, not everybody's worthy.  Only reason I know is cuz I headed down that road, and it'd be a shame for you not to have your own glow."  This first verse and the chorus speak a powerful message.  Women are often taught that they aren’t worth much, that there’s always someone prettier and sexier than they are, that in order to get attention their clothes and attitudes have to be sexually-driven.  But this song contrasts that, highlighting the power and worth of what women possess.  It says that what that we sometimes give away so freely or in order to gain what we think we need is actually a powerful instrument that not everyone should have access to.  It is a beautiful thing that should be selectively shared, and she knows that because she walked the path of giving it away without understanding its worth.  She wants women to have their own glow – their own sense of self and understanding of their power.
“Maybe you don't recognize what you got between your eyes, so I'm gonna set you correct so you can get what you should get.  Intuition's something deep – let you know what you know, let you find before you seek.  Spirit of discernment, pray for it every day – let you know who should go and who you should let stay.”  While much of the media prizes the physical appearance of women, this song also brings appreciation to the mind and soul of women as well.  It’s true that there are people (men and women) who are intimidated by an intelligent woman, but that’s no reason to shrink back or dumb down, and I know this from experience.  Your intelligence, your creativity, your gifts, your strong intuition – all these things are in you for a reason, and you have to embrace and use them.  As Marianne Williamson said, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.”  And you have instincts for a reason – trust them.  There are people and things in your life right now that don’t need to be there, and you know it, but you don’t always trust yourself and your instincts enough to act on them.  Let me assure you, it’s most likely not just you being paranoid or sensitive – some of the feelings we have are God Herself directing us in less than vocal ways.  Trust that.
“I wanna see you glow. I wanna see you glow.  Glow, I wanna see you shine, I mean all the time.  Gotta let that light, gotta let it shine so bright…”  Your light shines when you recognize that you have a light, when you recognize that you weren’t created for other people’s use or pleasure, when you see that you are beautiful and sufficient all by yourself, when you see the beauty in your rolling hills, your deep valleys, your intellectual caverns, and your emotional plains….  Embrace yourself, taking hold of the Divine light within you, and letting it shine through a life lived to the fullest in pursuing your purpose and passions.

Day 182 - Don't Go to Church

Today, I was blessed to share today with my church family - the Sixth Mount Zion Baptist Church - as we shared in what was called "Don't Go to Church, Be the Church."  This was undertaking that was about getting us out of the church building and spreading the love of God in the city of Richmond.  There were multiple teams of people and locations where we shared.  Some activities included

• Giving quarters to people at laundry mats.
• Giving gift cards to people in grocery stores.
• Visiting various nursing homes.
• Visiting our own sick and shut in members.
• Preparing and bringing meals to the neighborhoods near the church.
• Doing home improvements for people in need.

And the list goes on...  I myself visited some of the members of our congregation who can't get to the church for whatever reason.  It's amazing to see how much people appreciate being thought of, especially by their church family.  Since the church is supposed to be the hands and feet of God, then it's almost as if God is taking time to stop by and say, "hello, My child.  Just wanted to stop by and remind you there I'm here and that I'm thinking of you."  I think it's quite an extraordinary thing in this day and age for a church to cancel its morning worship service - what some people see as the cornerstone of church and religious life - and take to the streets to show God in a visible way to the people who might not typically get to church.  

Now, if you read the Bible, this shouldn't be an extraordinary thing, because Jesus was all about giving and sharing and taking care of those less fortunate, but for some reason, service and love outside the 2 hours on Sunday (and maybe 1 on Wednesday night) seems to be a stretch.  The scripture that Pastor Nelson highlighted this morning before we went out is from Matthew 25, and it says, “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"  

Our mandate as people who follow Jesus Christ is to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves.  Over and over, there are references to taking care of the orphans and the widows in the community.  The original deacons in the Bible were the people who brought food to the hungry (not the ones who ran the church, but that's another conversation for another day).  While much has changed since the early days of the church, one thing remains the same - "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).  

There is nothing wrong with church and enjoying Sunday morning worship, but do such religious practices get in the way of us relating to God and other people?  If this is the case, we should probably rethink what we're doing.  After all, the greatest commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as you love yourself.  Look for ways to show love that's a little unconventional this week.  I guarantee you will bless someone and you will be blessed yourself.    

Day 181 - Irreverent Reverence

Then sings my soul…

The center of my being

And essence of who I am…

Then sings my soul,

Softly at first, as if to test the air,

Then louder,

Building confidence and

Fully animated within

Its deepest, heart-felt cry…

Then sings my soul,

My savior God to Thee,

“What the hell?”

I have come to the point in my life and relationship with God that is brutally honest but still in process.  Through my various experiences and such, I have come to realize that using King James' English or church formulas are not authentic to who I am.  God wants me to be me - that's why God created me as I am.  I'm not the most "feminine," I'm not always polite or politically correct, but I am me.  And so, in talking in the most important relationship in my life, I feel free to speak my mind.  For me, my relationship and lifestyle are the reverence that I give.  I could do all the proper things and say all the right words, but if my heart is far from God, what's the point?  I would just be a Pharisee or one of the folks in various books of the Bible who God spanked for being religious without being relational.
I don't believe that God/the Divine wants relationship with Him/Her to be hard.  God is the expert on relationship (hence why we say that God is love), so why would God want it to be hard for us to hear from or understand God?  Let your relationship come from the space between you and God, and don't let it be dictated by external influences.  We see how that can poison a relationship with another person, but for some reason, we do it happily with God.  Take some time to evaluate your relationship with God and how real you are.  It might surprise you.

Day 180 - Permission to Be Me

For the past 26 years, I have lived a life of a very carefully constructed persona.  Every day was one of choosing a shaping the proper mask for the proper context.  Even for those who I called friends, I had a smaller, clearer mask, but I still wore one just the same.  You see, for as long as I can remember, being myself has not been an option.  I had been told by many people in many ways that I was not acceptable as I was, and I was young, impressionable, and without my own foundation, so I believed them.  Being sensitive by nature, I was able to both hear what was said and read between the lines, and based on such information, I would portray what I felt necessary based on who was around. 

In the recent years, I began to find more of my actual self that I’d been suppressing for those many years.  Seminary gave me the freedom and the space to begin asking questions and exploring not only my theology but myself.  Still, I was hesitant, because even in the “safe space” of seminary, there were still those who couldn’t/wouldn’t be free.  This made me uncomfortable, and it inhibited me from feeling comfortable enough to spread my own wings.  Despite the obstacles, I have still been growing and exploring and trying to see who I am and what is at the core of me… but I needed some assistance (even though I didn’t know it). 

Well, as I was reminded in conservation with one of my dearest friends, God will provide.  And while we typically think about this in terms of monetary provisions, I’m so glad that God provides EVERYTHING that we need.  I was granted a group of sister friends who gave me space similar to that of seminary (partially because that’s where I met them), but it was freer still, because they were free enough to be themselves.  We created a space of friendship and closeness that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.

But sometimes old habits die hard, and even in a space that I called safe and with people I called my sisters, I still carried and wore my mask.  While it was a much smaller, clearer version, it was enough to keep me separated even in their presence.  Yet, I wanted to get rid of the space, so I made conscious efforts and pushed myself in ways that made me face my fears.  The most recent step is the one that is the inspiration for today’s entry.  Because of the space that I felt (which I knew partially was of my own doing), I decided to talk to one of my sisters, addressing my feelings and trying to figure out how to move forward (both in myself and in the friendship). 

Yesterday, we got together to talk.  Now, I was sweating bullets and freaking out, because life experience had taught me that when I express my feelings and share what I need, things don’t tend to go well.  Though I knew in my head that she wasn’t gonna end the friendship or that I wouldn’t be excommunicated from the group, I couldn’t help being nervous expressing things so close to my heart.  Nonetheless, I shared and we talked, covering everything from my issues to her concerns to group dynamics to life experience in general.  As I listened, I could hear how my actions and baggage had impacted those around me, and that really gave me something to think about.  When people have to prepare themselves to be in your presence, something is wrong.  I had been in relationships like that, so I understood what that was like, and it astounded me that anyone felt that way about me. 

But beyond that, she assured me that it was okay to be myself.  She assured me that they knew me and my quirks (of which there are many), and they still loved and accepted me.  Having seen said love in action, I knew it to be true, and I think it went from being something I knew in my head to something I began to receive in my heart.  When we finished talking, I still wasn’t sure of what had happened.  I had expected myself to cry and all kinds of things like that (esp. because I’d sensed beforehand that the conversation would be life-changing and that I would even find release in it), but none of that happened.  We went inside the house – the conversation had taken place on our other sister’s balcony – and we chatted with her for a bit about some of the things going on in her life.  And as I stood there both participating in and observing the conversation, I could feel a difference within myself.  I couldn’t entirely put my finger on it, but the space and the moment just felt different.  By the time I left the place, I could have flown home. 

It’s been said that “the longest trip a person takes is from head to heart” (Fred Craddock).  I’ve found that to be very true, but I think my journey may have reached its destination in me, at least as it regards these ladies in my life.  I told my sister that all I really needed was the space to express what was in me and “just be” as she kept telling me, and I did.  I’m not entirely sure how, but she and that moment set me free.  Even our other sister (who I called before and after the conversation) could feel the difference through the phone. 

Who knew that all I needed was permission to just be, granted in the right space and time with the right person, to allow me to see that it was really okay to put down the mask?

Does that mean that everything is done and my life is emotionally baggage free?  I doubt it.  But this does mean that I'm experiencing the freedom that I have so longed to feel...

Day 179 - If I Ever Fall in Love

I have loved this song for ages.  One of my fondest memories is being in undergrad with a group of my friends and signing this song in 5-part harmony on our friends’ voicemails.  While I don’t agree with the concept of falling in love, I do like this song.

“The very first time that I saw your brown eyes, your lips said, 'hello' and I said, 'hi.'  I knew right then you were the one.  But I was caught up in physical attraction, but to my satisfaction, baby, you were more than just a face."  I wonder how often we let less important things get in the way of true love.  I think we are more intuitive than we think and we know love (or feel a part of ourselves in another a person and understand that they are meant to be part of our lives in some way) from first sight, but we let things like appearance get in the way (for good or for bad).  Thankfully, our friend in the song found friendship in spite of his attraction, so he was still afforded relationship.

"And if I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady is a friend.  And if I ever fall in love so true, I will be sure that the lady's just like you."  I think it's great when we can have relationships and meet people who show us what we need in our lives.  He found such a beauty in his friend and their relationship that he is now applying that to his future relationships.  Now, I would caution you to be sure that your standards are both healthy and realistic in this regard.  You will not find a clone of the person, but you can find similar personality traits or a similar way of being loved and respected.  Just be sure that you don't expect someone who is that exact person, because you will be disappointed and holding people to an impossible standard. 

"If I say that I could be your one and only, (promise, promise, promise) promise that you'll never leave me lonely. I just wanna be the one you need.  Oh Baby. I just wanna be the one to serve you. Sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve you. I cherish every moment that we share."  Now, I was a bit confused by this verse, because it seems as if he is asking his friend to be with him.  Although, if I think about it, maybe the song is about future possibilities (in case they break up or something), and he is actually in relationship with his friend.  In that case, this would make sense, as he is extolling the relationship that they have currently.  He clearly desires that the relationship continue, and he is willing to do what's necessary to be the only one.  I find it interesting that he doesn't feel he deserves the love, but I think that's something that a lot of people wrestle with, especially when they've been afforded awesome relationships after having gone through less than stellar ones.
"Very next time she will be my friend - someone who I can believe in."  He wants someone who will be his friend, because when there is an established trust and comfort, it make romantic relationship that much easier. 
"Hey baby, I made a promise, the next time I fell in love, my lover would also be my friend - somebody who'll be there for me through thick and thin, to love me, to hold me, comfort me, somebody who would be there with me all through the night... (somebody just like you)."  Now, this wasn't in the A Capella version, but I wanted include it. Having been in a relationship where friendship came first, it makes sense that he would want future relationships to have that base, because friends do make the best lovers.