Day 314 - Umbrella

I haven't heard this song in a while, but when I heard it this afternoon, it made me smile.  In a lot of ways, it resonates with who I see myself as when it comes to being a friend.  While the song is more romantic in nature, I think that it can apply to friendship as well.  There's a lot to be said for loyalty and sticking with people when they have hard times.  Patience is truly a virtue, and sometimes all we need is a little understanding, but that's not always easy to get/give, especially when we have our own stuff going on.  But I believe that if we take the time to walk with someone through their hard times, any relationship can be that much better.
"You have my heart and we'll never be worlds apart.  May be in magazines, but you'll still be my star.  Baby, cuz in the dark, you can't see shiny cars.  And that's when you need me there - with you I'll always share..."  The singer starts by saying that whoever she is singing to has her heart, and because of that, they can't be separated.  Even if they do happen to find themselves apart, they are connected by the feelings there.  While she is in magazines and is famous, having all kinds of attention and such, to her, the star is the one she loves.  Because at the end of the day, money and fame and all that can't solve all the problems and it can't keep the hard times from coming, and so it's in those times that they need each other, and she is letting it be known that she will be there when those times happen.
"Because when the sun shines, we'll shine together.  Told you I'll be here forever.  Said I'll always be a friend - took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end.  Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other.  You can stand under my umbrella.  You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh), under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)..."  The reason she'll be there is because she recognizes that when there are good times in the life of one, it is reflected in the life of the other because of what they share.  She has said that she will be there forever, and she is holding true to her promise of fidelity and commitment, even as a friend.  And when times get harder, that doesn't cause separation.  They can still share together, trusting that the other person will always be there to share and care for them.  She is even offering her umbrella as a measure of care and protection from the trials of the world around them.  And just like standing under an umbrella brings people physically closer, going through this trial together will further solidify their bond.
"These fancy things, will never come in between - you're part of my entity, here for infinity.  When the war has took its part, when the world has dealt its cards, if the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart..."  While she is famous and there are many things that could pull her away, her priorities are set, and this relationship is at the top of the list.  No matter what comes against either of them and no matter how hard things get, they will have each other for support and healing.
"You can run into my arms.  It's OK don't be alarmed.  Come here to me.  There's no distance in between our love.  So go on and let the rain pour.  I'll be all you need and more..."  She is offering herself and her care as comfort for the times when life gets crazy.  She is even inviting her friend to come to her to receive of the love that she has to give.  Because they are connected by love, it doesn't matter what happens or how much rain falls, because she is willing to do anything and everything to provide what is needed to get through. 

Day 313 - Taxes and Love

As I was scrolling through my Twitter time line, I saw a tweet from an article from the Huffington Post that said, "What doing my taxes taught me about love."  I clicked on the link and this is the article that appeared.

"Deep reflection" is a state normally reserved for such occasions as planning to produce a child, tearing off the last page of your cat-a-day calendar or deciding whether that orange blazer you grabbed from the sale rack makes you look trendy or traffic cone-y. Well, let me just say that when I assembled files for my accountant last week, I didn't consider it a sentimental event; for heaven's sake, it was tax time. So it was rather unexpected when my head began registering pangs of rumination rather than basic arithmetic.

I'm aware that doing your taxes is decidedly a left-brain affair. The tax code may have 5,296 pages, but it nowhere asks you to list the your emotional losses and gains.

And yet, as I pulled out my intricate "catchall" filing system (read: one large pile), I revived the tumult and triumph of 2011, one crumpled piece of paper at a time. It's not as if my W-2 and pay stubs provoked memories of the year before. It's that they lived next to remnant scraps that did.

I flipped through the first (and oldest) item forming the base of the pile, a hefty packet of my birth certificate and other vital records, translated into Greek. They were necessary to begin the process of securing Greek citizenship, my ticket to living and working anywhere in the European Union -- a dream as unrealized as my application, which is likely tucked in an unopened box sitting in a dark office in bureaucratically stalled Athens.

Flip.

I unsheathed a folded printout that reveals an unused (and expired) Groupon. Knowing how much I enjoy baking, my ex-boyfriend's mother had gifted me a coupon for a cupcake-making class at a bakery downtown. A stab of regret gripped my chest; I didn't bring her a sample batch because I never redeemed the voucher.

Flip.

I thumbed through neatly handwritten flyers that advertised the small summer stoop sale I had hosted in anticipation of what I thought would be a daring move to London for a few months until citizenship came through. Three weeks later, my white walls bare, circumstances changed, I wasn't going anymore.

Flip. Flip. Flip.

Margaritas. About $400 in receipts for margaritas. It's too bad you can't write off a breakup.

Flip.

I peeled apart a stack of photos that had nearly fused after being compressed in the pile for eight months. I had developed them from a disposable camera purchased en route to a late-summer canoeing/camping trip with friends in Maine. I shuffled to a photo of me below a 10-story bridge, clinging to an accelerating rope swing knotted above. The picture was snapped mere seconds before my hands slipped down the coarse fibers, sending me into shallow bed of rocks below rather than the safety and depth of the Saco River. My only scar was the gash in my second toe -- and of course, the battle wounds of embarrassment.

Flip.

I squinted at a faded receipt and made out "Walmart." Road-tripping to pastoral southwestern Pennsylvania, friends and I had stocked up on groceries for a long weekend of hiking in Ohiopyle State Park, cooking in a lakeside cabin and exploring Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater. I likened myself to the architect, drawing a sense of well-being from the walls of blazing autumn leaves lining the mountain roads. Of course, he had channeled that inspiration into architectural feats, while I merely sat in the passenger seat of a rental car and stared at the cows dotting the textured landscape. I was doing absolutely nothing.

Flip.

I unrolled a wrinkled note card and read the mantra printed carefully on it: from darkness lead me to light. At the end of the year, I reallocated a portion of my London fund into my Costa Rica fund, and I signed up for a weeklong yoga retreat on the rugged Osa Peninsula. I sweated and breathed through three-hour sunrise classes on an elevated yoga platform buffered by a dense flock of tropical nutmeg trees, screeching with howler monkeys and pelicans. My teacher spread his arms to the jungle around us and urged us to "leave everything here -- it can absorb it all."

Flip.

Two hours later, I had gone through the contents of my year.

Yes, I'm aware that a good old-fashioned filing system (or a simple folder) could have helped me avoid this untimely jaunt down memory lane. But the truth is that confronting how I spent my money and my time helped me recognize the true trajectory of my year. Disappointment didn't shrink or stall me, like I thought it did at the time; while I was trying to reinvent my way out from under the weight of big plans gone astray, I didn't realize I had already thrown myself back into the world.

As for all of my recent receipts, mementos and ticket stubs, I'm throwing them all into a brand-new heap, already piled three and a-half months high. 2012, I'll deal with you next year.

As I read this article, I thought about how any and everything can point us toward love.  As the author of this article, I have had the most random things in life remind me of those I love, of cherished moments, or even of moments that I let slip by me.  I encourage you to take some time each day to reflect on the places where love has touched your life and where it continues to touch your life in the unexpected and random places.  Maybe you hear a song on the radio and think of a person in your life who loved that song.  Maybe you drive past a place where you had a date with someone significant.  Whatever the case may be and whatever things look like with that particular person now, you most likely once shared a treasured love and connection.  Remember to be thankful for those things, even when the season with that person ends, and look forward.  Remember, there is more love and joy in your life than you think - you just have to open your eyes/heart in each moment to see/feel it.

Day 312 - Run to You

I'm definitely a fan of Whitney Houston, as I'm sure I've made clear.  I was listening to this song the other day, and it really resonated with me, so I figured I would blog about it....
"I know that when you look at me, there's so much that you just don't see. But if you would only take the time I know in my heart you'd find a girl who's scared sometimes, who isn't always strong.  Can't you see the hurt in me?  I feel so all alone."  The singer seems to be talking to a desired friend/love, saying that she is aware that much of of her is beneath the surface.  Given the context of the song within "The Bodyguard" movie, she is a singer and celebrity, so she can be seen as just that.  Yet she, like everyone else, has more to her than meets the eye.  While she doesn't want to let the world in on this fact, she has acknowledged that underneath the confident, glamorous exterior is a scared, vulnerable little girl who has been hurt and needs care.  Because people tend to see her as her public persona, she at times feels isolated and alone, most likely because she's misunderstood and largely unable to let her true self show. 
"I wanna run to you, I wanna run to you.  Won't you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm?  I wanna run to you but if I come to you, tell me, will you stay or will you run away?"  She has now expressed a desire to run to this desired friend.  She is opening up enough to be vulnerable with the person and admit her need for love and protection and even security in relationship.  Yet, even in expressing her desire, she uses caution, asking if the response will be positive and if the person will be able to handle her needs or if the person will flee and not provide for her (whether running by leaving the relationship or creating space and leaving needs unmet within the relationship).
"Each day, each day I play the role of someone always in control, but at night I come home and turn the key. There's nobody there, no one cares for me.  What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams without someone to share it with?  Tell me, what does it mean?"  The singer talks about her need to wear a strong face because of her job and life.  Yet when she gets home to a place where she can be herself, there is no one there to love and be with the real her.  Like many people come to realize, she says that it seems almost pointless to seek to be famous and make all kinds of money and have all kinds of stuff but still be lonely or not be able to share that joy with someone significant.
"I need you here.  I need you here to wipe away my tears, to kiss away my fears.  If you only knew how much I wanna run to you..."  Once again, she is being open in expressing her feelings and needs.  She desires presence, emotional support, affection, consoling, availability, and more.  Because it doesn't typically show on her face, she feels that her level of need and desire for this kind of love and support can't easily be seen, but she is letting it be known that it is real and deep in hopes that her friend/love will share in relationship with her and provide what she is asking for.

Day 311 - You're the One

Because this song has been STUCK in my head since I heard it yesterday, I guess I need to write about it so that it will leave me alone.  I don't really know the song like that, but the few lines I know have been on repeat, so here goes...

"I don't believe that we were put together not to be together, and I don't believe there's anyone out there that can love me better.  I don't believe that you know how much I miss seeing your pretty smile.  Of course we had our ups and downs, but I gotta have you around me, cuz..."  Based on the relationship that they've had, the singer feels that it wasn't a coincidence that they came to cross paths, and not just as friends, but to be together.  She also doesn't believe that anyone else can love her in a way that is more fulfilling and healing than what she has with him.  And she doesn't think he's aware of the impact that he has on her.  She acknowledges that, as in every relationship, things will happen that are less than positive, but she still wants it to be him that she goes through those things with.

"I feel it all over my body, I dream about you when I sleep.  You're the one for me.  You're the one for me. All the signs say that ever since the day that we laid eyes on each other, baby - you're the one for me.  You're the one for me."  Their relationship and connection have touched her deeply - she feels the love in her body when she's awake, and when she's asleep, he occupies her subconscious and comes out in her dreams.  Because of this and so much more, she's determined that he is the one for her.  She feels that life and the courses of action that have gotten them to where they are have pointed to the fact that they are meant to be together.  You know, those divine inklings, feelings, moments, and "coincidences" that can nudge us so gently that we almost miss them - all of that is telling her that this is destined to be. 

"I don't believe that you know how much I melt every time I smell your scent, boy, and I don't believe I got myself in this predicament.  I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong.  I'm sorry and I'm begging you, begging you, begging you, baby, please come back home."  In this verse, we see the reason for this song - the singer has messed up.  She made a mistake of some sort, but she has realized that this man is the one she wants to be with for the rest of her life.  It seems that even though she messed up, she loves him dearly, and she has realized that she doesn't want this to be the end.  And maybe it's because of the mistake that she doesn't think he understands how much she loves and misses and cares about him, how even the little things like his scent affect her. 

"When I lay in my bed at night, I'm hoping and praying that you feel the same way that I do deep down inside, and that feeling you just can't control, it makes you wanna just call me and tell me how much you really miss me.  It makes you wanna call me and say that you can't wait to hold and kiss me, kiss me all over."  Because of the mistake, there appears to be some separation, but she is hopeful that he feels the same love that she does.  She is hoping that he will be taken by those feelings and moved to call her, visit her, and express his love for her by holding her and sharing his love with her physically.

Day 310 - Marriage

So while I have been trying to stay away from blogging about this, I've had enough divine reminders, conversations, tweets, and everything else just today to make me realize that I need to go ahead and blog about it.  You may ask why I've been avoiding it, and there are a few reasons for this.  For one thing, I've never been married, so my vantage point for this state of being is slightly incomplete.  I mean, my longest romantic relationship was about 9 months, and there was a 3 month break in the middle of that, so I wonder about my own ability to do the "forever" thing.  There's also the religious/political battle surrounding marriage equality in this country, and I like to stay as far away from political messes as much as I can.
But think that the major reason I've stayed away from it is that my own experience and/or understanding of the thing called marriage hasn't been positive overall.  In looking the only marriage I've ever seen up close - my parents' - I can't say that it made me want to run down the aisle.  This along with the jokes that people tend to tell about ball and chain or about how marriage makes people miserable, not to mention the fact that the divorce rate in America is around 50%.  And the portrayal of marriage in the media, complete with the foolishness of things like what Kim Kardashian did, doesn't offer the most promising examples.  None of that makes me want to enter into such a thing, no matter how much I recognize that I am built for (and how much I love) committed relationship.
There are so many different perspectives as to what marriage is as this Huffington Post article made clear. The answers are all over the place ranging from complaints about the institution to covenant relationship to something that shouldn't be politically defined to hell on earth. According to the Dictionary, marriage has the following definitions:

1. a. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. 

b. a similar institution involving partners of the same gender: gay marriage. 

2. the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock: a happy marriage. 

3. the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of two people to live as a married couple, including the accompanying social festivities: to officiate at a marriage.

4. a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction: trial marriage.

5. any close or intimate association or union
These definitions once again cover the gamut from the legal to the relational.  For the sake of this blog entry, I shall focus my emphasis on the last 2, since relationship is what's most important to me.  Because love/relationship is a focus of mine, I've spent much time thinking about marriage despite my feelings and misgivings about it.  I have wondered what a healthy, long-lasting relationship looks like, especially in the context of people who live together.  I've had some great friendships, though most of them have been seasonal (possibly another reason I wonder about this whole thing - I don't have any life-long friends).  Yet, I never shared a room much less a bed with any of my friends.  While I have people who I talk to daily and who I consider myself sharing my life with in some ways, the concept of combining life space (huge for me as an introvert), the sharing of most (if not all) of life, the love/intimacy of a good friend, the physical/sexual expression of both care and desire, and a day-to-day commitment with someone as they grow and change and evolve... I have to admit that I have cold feet just thinking about it.
I've been told over and over that it's something that you have to just experience, and I believe it.  For a very long time, I didn't really have a desire to, and I know that a lot of people have concerns about that.  According to the media, men will play around and date multiple women, but it takes that ONE to make them fall in love (and usually they have to go through some sort of major crisis/altercation to figure that out).  Well, I think it's true that the thing that can really help to make such a frightening situation into one that can be palatable, even pleasing, is finding a person with whom you connect on so many different levels and with whom you share a love that goes beyond anything you've ever experienced.  Now that's not to say that you marry every person you love.  There are a few people in my life - sisters, good friends, etc - that I say "I love you" to all the time.  And even the connection that we have as friends/sisters is great, but nothing about that makes me want to spend the rest of my life in a romantic, committed relationship with them.  There has to be that extra added dimension that includes compatibility (in any number of categories - mentally, spiritually, sexually, etc).  While the basis of marriage should be a strong friendship and companionship, there needs to be more than that.
What am I trying to say?  I used to be afraid of being married.  I didn't think it was for me.  I didn't think it could be a positive experience.  But marriage, while it is an institution with its own set of legal benefits and issues, is a coming together of two people who are good friends who share a love for one another and similar thoughts/goals for their future.  It's about two people who have decided to build a life together, taking who they are at the deepest levels and sharing that with another person on similarly deep levels.  It's about a caring, nurturing relationship where these two people hear and nurture the dreams of the other as they strive to shape a life that will impact the world in a positive way.  It's about growing in love in a way that gives you patience for the growing edges, strength for the tough times, affection for the good times, and a connection that allows for openness, intimacy, and vulnerability to take place.  When you find a space in which you love someone and you know that you are truly loved in return, it makes things so much simpler.  Marriage, from what I can gather, is this and so much more....  I guess you'll just have to see for yourself... and so will I.  :)

Day 309 - And I am Telling You

While the power of this song comes through the singer who performs it, there is a depth in the lyrics themselves that can speak without the passion in a voice.  One of my all-time favorite songs...

"And I am telling you, I'm not going.  You're the best man I'll ever know.  There's no way I can ever go.

No, no, there's no way.  No, no, no, no way I'm living without you.  I'm not living without you. I don't wanna be free.  I'm staying, I'm staying, and you, and you, you're gonna love me."  She starts the song declaring that she isn't going anywhere.  The man she is singing to is the best man she's ever met, and she feels that she won't meet one better, so she is refusing to leave.  When you've found the best, you do what you can to keep it or stay with it.  She doesn't see leaving or being without him as a possibility or an option.  She is refusing to live without him.  She doesn't want to be free of him, and she refuses to budge.  She even says that he is going to love her, and that's it. 
"And I am telling you, I'm not going.  Even though the rough times are showing - there's just no way, there's no way.  We're part of the same place, we're part of the same time.  We both share the same blood, we both have the same mind.  And time and time, we've had so much to see and No, no, no, no, no, no way.  I'm not waking up tomorrow morning and finding that there's nobody there."  Once again, she says she's not going.  Even though things are currently not looking wonderful and they are experiencing difficulties, she still doesn't see the need to let things end.  She says they have too much in common and they have shared too much to let things end.  Besides, she doesn't want to lose the company that he provides, waking up beside one another day by day.  She doesn't want to be by herself, and she doesn't want to be without him.
"Please don't go away from me.  Stay with me stay with me.  Stay, stay and hold me.  Stay, stay and hold me.  Please stay and hold me, Mr. Man.  Try it mister, try it mister. I know, I know, I know you can."  At this point, she is essentially pleading with him to stay.  She has nothing to lose, and she is putting herself all the way out there, asking him to remain with her.  She knows that the decision is his to make, and she is praying that he will make it in her favor.
"Tear down the mountains. Yell, scream and shout! You can say what you want, I'm not walking out.  Stop all the rivers!  Push, strike and kill - I'm not gonna leave you, there's no way I will."  It seems in this portion that she is saying that it matters not what happens - she has no plans of leaving.  If he wants to go, he can, but she is going to stay, and she wants so badly for him to stay and love her. 

Admittedly, while I love the power of this song, I do have to wonder if there is a point at which you have to let go.  Eventually (in the movie) she does, but in looking at the lyrics, it looks as if she may be bordering on desperation and the willingness to take/endure anything in order to be with him....  Makes me wonder...

Day 308 - He Heals Me

Upon listening to the first couple lines of this song today, I could feel my heart smiling....  In my mind, relationships are at their best when they help you to heal in some way from the pain and hurt and issues of the past.  Often relationships take from us, so it is a beautiful experience when one is able to give and pour back into you.  One of my favorite song lyrics ever is "Your healing is in me; my healing is in you" by MJB.  This song sums that up in such a beautiful way...
"He heals me - told him my biggest secret and he told me four. He smiled at me and said that makes me love more.  And then he made me laugh and I knew it was a sign that he was a man that I wanted in my life, and with every passing day, I feel more and more that way."  There seems to be a great deal of trust and vulnerability and care in this relationship.  She is open and is open in return - as it should be.  And the fact that they are able to share in such a way deepens the love that they already have.  But not only do they have those deep, life-sharing, open-heart moments, but they can also laugh and simply enjoy each other's company.  This speaks to a balanced relationship and friendship that allows all of a person to be part of the relationship and feel comfortable in the shared space. 
"He heals me.  He knows the real me and he accepts me, he never hurts me.  He heals me.  He knows the real me and he accepts me, he never hurts me.  He heals me, he heals me."  The chorus is simple - she is acknowledging the things that he does for her.  He brings healing to her life, he sees the real, authentic her and he accepts her just as she is.  And he never takes advantage of what he knows and hurts her.  Now, this may not seem like much, but when you've been hurt before, it can mean the world to have to someone who knows you and doesn't reject and who cares enough to love you and care for you and even bring healing to the wounded parts of yourself that you have dared to expose to them (and even some that you haven't).
"I can play him songs, all through the night, and he will listen to every line.  And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind.  He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.  And yes he is a beautiful man, but he is also a beautiful friend."  As an artist myself, it can be interesting to share my work with someone, so it says much that she can share her art.  And the fact that he will patiently, lovingly listen speaks volumes as well.  He respects her enough to be truthful with her, but he also cares enough to be kind in his truth and correction.  That is the sign of a true friend.
"The moment that we met, he made me smile.  He has so much compassion in his eyes.  I have no idea, how long he'll be here - a season or a lifetime, forever or a year.  But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the future, because we have such a wonderful time when we're together.  However things turn out, it's all right, cuz he's already changed my life."  There are times when we meet someone, and we know right away that the person will profoundly impact our lives, and for her, he appears to be one of those people.  She can just see the care and love in his eyes, which is probably part of what initially drew her in.  She doesn't know if they are meant to be together forever, but she isn't concerned about that.  Because of the beauty of what they share, she is happily able to receive what it is for the time being.  Even if things shift tomorrow, he has already impacted her life in such a powerful, healing way, it wouldn't matter.  It might hurt to lose him, but she acknowledges that he may simply be there in a seasonal capacity to bring about a very necessary healing in her life.