Day 34 - Fall For Your Type

When I first heard this song, I thought... really?  And, of course, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it can definitely be true, and I know numerous people who have found themselves saying something similar.  Now there are many reasons that people find themselves in patterns and repeated places, and I'm gonna explore a few of them.

• "Can I, can I save you from you, cause you know there's something missing?"  There are some good-hearted people who desire to save people from themselves.  Unfortunately, this rarely works, because unless they recognize a problem and want to be saved, your efforts will mean almost nothing.  So, if you look for people you can 'save,' yet you get frustrated when you can't save them, maybe you need to rethink your approach.  Not everyone is aware that they are trying to 'save' others, so let me help.  If you take on someone as a project, if you "see their potential," if you "know they will get their life together soon," or if you know that you can be the one to change them, then you most likely are the "savior" type.  You should probably evaluate why you feel the need to be the savior (may speak to some feelings of inadequacy or may come from growing up as a savior to your family).  Now, no one is perfect, so every person you meet will have issues.  Some issues are better suited to be dealt with by professionals, and some issues are things that couples can work through together, but you should never enter a relationship (friendship or otherwise) to fix someone else.
• "Look, dress hanging off your shoulder, barely sober, telling me how you movin away and startin over. Girl quit playing - you just drunk, you just saying s**t. Oh you dance, dance like how, like ballet and s**t?"  Note to readers: if someone is drunk when you meet them, that is probably not the best way to start a relationship, esp if it is the sloppy drunk kind where her dress is hanging off of her shoulder.  Just because someone is attractive does not mean that you have to try to pick them up.  She's just told you that she's a drinker and stripper.  I'm not going to judge strippers, but I will say that she's most likely not going to change either of these things for you, so these are early red flags....  Pay attention to signs.  Don't let someone's sex appeal get in the way of your good judgment.  And have enough respect for yourself to know that you deserve better.
• "But how you supposed to find the one when anyone will come with you?"  Just because anyone will come home with you doesn't mean you should take them.  In fact, you should probably steer clear of the ones who will just come home with you.  If you're trying to find "the one," then your standards would ideally be a little higher than any cute person who will pay you some attention.  Now, as celebrities, these guys probably have women throwing themselves, but most of them are not looking for quality relationship.  Again - STANDARDS. 
• Note from the video: you most likely always fall for the same type because you keep looking for the same type of woman.  If you meet her at a bar, club, or party, then she will probably in some ways resemble what you are used to.  If she has to be the hottest girl in the place (i.e. skinny, red bone, long hair, 4' heels, tiny skirt, cleavage for days, etc), then she may resemble what you are used to.  I'm not saying that every attractive person is crazy, but if you always look for the same thing, your results will not vary.  
• "Falling in love" is dangerous business, and that is its own separate entry, but I will say that you are in control of the situation, so choose wisely.

Day 33 - A Long Walk

I love this song...  The artist, the vibe, the meaning, the love....  I just appreciate everything about it.  Let's take the chorus:

"Let's take a long walk around the park after dark - find a spot for us to spark conversation, verbal elation, stimulation, share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations, elevations, maybe we can talk about..."  Then she names a scripture to discuss.  [I appreciate that she crosses religions, referencing the Torah, the Quran, and the Greek New Testament.]  The thing I love is that she simple wants to have a conversation.  She wants to talk and get to know the depths of her friend.  There's no booty call or sexual innuendo.  There is simply the desire for conversation and intellectual investigation into someone else.  It's a beautiful thing that she wants to connect in a way other than sexually to someone, especially in the form of deep conversation.

Don't get me wrong - I appreciate physical affection.  My major love language is physical touch. But the most penetrating thing that a man can do for me is to have an intelligent conversation with me.  The fact that you want to know more about me than my cup size and the color of my panties is intriguing and awesome.  If I can connect with you on an intellectual, spiritual, mental, and emotional level, then the physical will be a beautiful addition.  

Real love incorporates every part of a person.  Try taking a walk with the person you love, even yourself.  Let the physical part of your relationship be the added bonus as opposed to the foundation and the go-to thing when all else isn't as it should be.

Day 32 - Fear Not of Man

So, I wanted to mix up the selections a bit, and I heard this song for the first time ever last night.  When I heard it, I was instantly intrigued, and as I got more of a feel for the lyrics, I decided that I should blog about it.  While the whole song has some worthwhile nuggets, I'm gonna focus on 2 portions for the purposes of this blog.

"So if Hip-Hop is about the people and the Hip-Hop won't get better until the people get better, then how do people get better? Well, from my understanding people get better when they start to understand that, they are valuable. And they not valuable because they got a whole lot of money or cause somebody think they sexy, but they valuable cause they been created by God, and God, makes you valuable. And whether or not you recognize that value is one thing."  This speaks volumes to me.  In our very materialistic, performance-based society, there are many people who lack value based on the things that society deems important.  But the beautiful thing about God (and I would be bold enough to say that this applies no matter what name you call God) is that God finds you valuable, because God took time to shape and create you.  I'm certain that God does nothing without reason, so if God took the time to think you up, create you, and shape a plan for your life, then you have to have some value to God.  When you recognize your value and appreciate yourself, you will begin to see things differently, which will change your behavior and your drive.  It will encourage you to move forward and do greater things, not accepting mediocre or stopping when obstacles block your path.  And when you can do greater things, even if that's just taking better care of yourself, then you can influence others to do better.  Life as we know it can change when we recognize the beauty in our creation, esp if we say we're created in the Image of God.

"Fear not of men because men must die." You already know where I stand on fear.  One of my friends said recently that fear is a powerful drug, and I believe it.  Fear will rule your life if you let it, but the beauty of what Mos Def is saying is that people and their opinions are temporary.  People can be more fickle than the wind, changing for this reason or that (and some of those reasons have nothing to do with you).  I had a friend who I considered one of my best friends.  We had prayed together, laughed together, told each other our secrets, etc.  Everything is cool, and then suddenly, she basically just stopped speaking to me.  No explanation, no words, nothing.  I wondered for the longest time what I'd done, what had happened, if it would ever change... but then I realized that if she no longer desired to be my friend, life needed to go on.  I couldn't let that situation make me fearful of future relationships and possible rejection.  And I couldn't stay stuck in the opinions and decisions of someone else.  

So value yourself because you are valued, and don't fear the opinions of other people.  Life's too short to let other people rule and define you, no matter who they are.

Day 31 - Are You Ready for Some Football?

 

Yesterday, a record 111 million people gathered to watch the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers play 4 15-minute quarters of a game called American Football.  For some people, this is the only football game they watch, and they watch it because of the communal importance (and the fact that there are parties). 
But there are also people who scream at 1st downs, jump at field goals, cry at interceptions, and orgasm at touchdowns.  There are people who love football like they are the team owner, manager, coach, and star player.  We all have something that makes us passionate and excited, and I think that's important.  Having healthy passions make life worth living.  Even if you find momentary ecstasy in sports or anything else, love yourself and take the moment to enjoy.  If you don't know what your passions are, take time to explore yourself.

Of course, be careful that your passion for something doesn't hinder the rest of life or take place of the things that matter most - relationship.  I watched Oprah, and one of the people on there had a husband who watched football obsessively - for hours on end.  He'd record the games, watching them live, then watching them over and over after the fact.  Obsession can easily slip in to anyone's passions, because the passion we feel can push us to do crazy things.  Thus, we must be careful to do as one of my friends always said: "manage your passions."

Love yourself and enjoy your passions.  Love others and manage your passions in a healthy way.  

Day 30 - Love Kills Slowly

So, I was looking for some art to use for today's entry, and I came across this piece.  Naturally it distrubed me, because it speaks negatively about the thing that I feel brings meaning and life to our very existence.  Taking it a step further, I decided to look up potential meanings for this (other than the obvious), and on Yahoo! Answers, I found the following comments:

• it means that when ever you fall in love you can die from the pain
• In my opinion, every time you love , you die a little. When you give a piece of your heart, soul and mind you can never get that piece back. Metaphorically you are giving a piece of yourself every time you love and it kills you slowly over time.
  That is how I interpret it. If you have been hurt by someone you love, as in cheated on, dumped, you die a little quicker..
• love is a passionate fire that burns down to smouldering ruins...
  hmmm... like a log in that fire we burn with the passion of love... the flames slowly consuming us... till we are ashes of the fire....

These answers might be a bit more disturbing than the art itself.  They all speak to love as an agent of death, whether from the pain it causes or fleeting nature of love.  I will say again - love is not a skip through the fields of butterflies and bunnies, but love is not the problem.  Issues arise in love when other things (like fear, insecurity, manipulation, control, etc) come in and disguise themselves by saying "I love you."  

It is my belief that real love makes life more bearable and more full.  When you feel truly loved and you truly love someone else, it creates a freedom and a joy that is not only priceless but life-giving.  Whether it's love from God which is boundless and wise, love from parents/guardians that is protective and affirming, love from friends that is encouraging and supportive, love from a significant other that is accepting and intimate, love in its healthiest forms breathes strength into life.  When you never know real love, the most important part of you - your heart - lacks the life-blood necessary.  You can live to be 125 years old, but without love, it is merely existing, and those will be 125 miserable years.

Of all the things that love does, it does not kill.  If what you are calling love is killing someone (or parts of them), then it needs to be re-evaluated.

Day 29 - Smelling the Roses

As I was pondering what to blog about today, I was talking to my sister, Lacette Cross, so I decided to ask her what I should blog about.  She said "maybe just the beauty of new love and how good it is to just take things slow.  I think that many of us never 'stop to smell the roses' of love, especially in the beginning when all we're doing is assessing and figuring out either our next defensive or offensive move."  It should be clear why she's my sister....  But what she said is so true.  I think that in relationships, especially in the beginning, we can have 2 extremes: a chess player who tries to plot the course and figure out the "enemy's" next 8 moves before making one or the blindfolded heart with arms and legs that walks around blindly and unquestioningly into anything.  Admittedly, I tend to lean more toward the first, because I'm a thinker and an analytical person.  While I try not to plot 8 moves ahead, I do like to be very intentional about my relationships and who is in my life.  Though this is not a bad thing, it can get in the way of what Lacette said - smelling the roses of love.  Things don't have to be planned out to the nth degree, but we should never go with the flow of a relationship such that we never evaluate or peek around the rose-colored glasses to make sure that reality hasn't slipped to far from where our hearts tell us we are.
Sometimes, things are meant to be deep and hard work will be necessary, but there are times when love is just simple and there...  Because of this, I will take the time to simply enjoy all the relationships in my life. I suggest you do the same...


[Thanks to my buddy Lacette.  She is also a blogger, and I believe in what she has to say.  Visit her virtual mind: http://blkbflymusings.wordpress.com/]

 

Day 28 - Words of Love

"Verbal assault is so common in American families of all races as to be considered simply normal." -bell hooks in Salvation: Black People and Love

The words that we speak are powerful.  Whether we realize it or not, the things that we say make an impact on the lives of others.  This quotation from the book I'm reading speaks volumes about the state of relationship in this country.  It's comical and expected for verbal altercations to be a part of family life, as many t.v. sitcoms and movies make clear.  Wives emasculate and question their husbands; husbands talk down to or make fun of their wives; parents tease or belittle or even ignore their children (lack of words can be just as damaging as abusive words).  The cycles of parenting continue from generation to generation - "this is how my mom acted, and I turned out just fine, so it will work for my kids."  "My father never told me he loved me, and I'm okay, so why should I have to tell you?  You know I love you - I provide for you, don't I?"  And since this verbal violence begins in the home, it's like second nature for such to continue into the rest of life. 

You may say something in passing to someone, not even thinking about it, but it might change their whole lives.  This became clear in the latest episode of "Community" (http://www.hulu.com/watch/212754/community-advanced-dungeons-and-dragons).  Without giving too much away, a description was given to a guy in a passing moment, but for him, it stuck and others caught on, and it got to him to the point where he became depressed/suicidal.  For the person who said it, it wasn't even intended maliciously, but the effects were almost lethal. 

Without proper affirmation at home and verbal terrorism outside the home, healthy self-esteem isn't likely to formulate.  Without healthy self-esteem, it is not likely that someone will be able to form healthy relationships and have genuine love for themselves or others.  Because of this, unhealthy relationships (like the one described in "Love the Way You Lie") form, creating violence, emotional malnutrition, anger, and a host of other things.  Relationships nowadays tend to be in turmoil, because the people in them are unhealthy, working through inner turmoil.  Without a stable base to stand on, everything in life and in relationships can move them and change their views.  

So take the time to affirm yourself and others.  Joking around is one thing, but make sure that humor isn't cruel and degrading.  Speak life.  Make positive words the norm.