Day 165 - Motive

“Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?”
When I read this question in my devotional today, it struck me in a deep way. I mean, take a second to think about that question. I know that in my life, I’ve been doing a lot of things in the pursuit of feeling someone’s love. There have been very few (if any) things that I have done with the full assurance and comfort of love. Most of what I’ve done has been while inwardly striving to earn and to feel love. And while I try not to be one to speak for other people, I would venture to say that everyone in life does things (some of these things that they’d rather not do) in order to be loved.
Now, there have definitely been times in life that I felt so loved that I was able to do and give out of the overflow of that love, not needing anything in return. Unfortunately those times have been rare. Of course, the people receiving from me would most likely have never known the difference, because I do a pretty good job of keeping how I really feel to myself, but I knew. I knew whether going without that “thank you” would break me. I knew whether the phone call not being returned would send me into a paranoid moment, wondering if the person still cared about me because they didn’t call me back. I knew when I had given my last, wondering how I would eat or put gas in my car, just to hear someone say that I was awesome or because I knew they were in need and I didn’t want to disappoint them. This is not to say that I’m not a naturally caring, giving person, because I am. But I’ve come to realize that a lot of the manifestation of my giving nature has been shaped by my desire and need to be loved. Therefore, there have been times when I wanted (and even needed) to say no to something, but I said yes, because I wanted the love and acceptance of whoever it was more than I needed to stand up for myself and my own needs.
And I don’t think I’m alone in this. There’s nothing wrong with being giving, but when your internal “no” becomes an external “yes” out of fear of rejection, then something is out of balance. In an ideal world, we would all feel loved and affirmed within ourselves 100% of the time, so we would always be giving for the sake of love. Love, in and of itself, is free enough that it will give without the expectation of returns, because it is self-assured. Similar to the love of a mother for a child, rarely does the mother of an infant get a return on what she gives, but out of love and care for the child, she wakes up late at night to feed or changes smelly diapers. Unfortunately, the world is not ideal, and many people do not have a chance to build that internal foundation before the world tells them everything that makes them less than worthy. And if you don’t have the blessing of supportive parents, friends, and/or family to make you feel loved from day 1, you may be in trouble and seek that for years to come.
I understand that this is a difficult transition to make. It’s one that takes time and practice and pain, but when you are able to give out of a full place rather than out of a place of need, you will be much more at peace. You won’t have to worry about someone pouring back into you, because you have a sufficient foundation for yourself. That way, you can be authentic with your “yes” and with your “no.” And this will keep resentment and anger from forming inside you when you would otherwise feel slighted, because someone didn’t recognize your internal need for affirmation when you provided for them.
Today’s challenge is for you to take time over the next 3 days and think about why you do what you do. When you give something or you say “yes” to something, think about whether you’re doing it out of a full place of love or out of the desire to get someone to love you (more). If it is the latter, ask yourself why? Are you wooing the person? Have you been trying to earn their love and approval? Is it a parent who you’ve been trying to impress your entire life? Is it a partner who you are trying to keep in your life so that you’re not lonely? Figure out what the need is and see if there is a hole in your own heart that needs some repair.

Day 164 - I Turn to You

I have been a fan of this song for a long time.  What can I say?  It's a sweet song.  
“When I’m lost in the rain, in your eyes I know I’ll find the light to light my way. When I’m scared, losing ground, when my world is going crazy, you can turn it all around. And when I’m down you’re there pushing me to do the top. You’re always there giving me all you’ve got.”  All of us need someone to guide and comfort us, especially when things get tough.  And all of us need to be encouraged and motivated to do our best.  I know that I've needed some strong pushing and nudging in recent weeks/months, and it's essential to have people around you to do that, because it can be difficult to "pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps."  And it's important to identify those people who can do that for you in a positive, healthy way.  Not everyone who pushes you is pushing in the right direction or for the right reasons.
"For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm – I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on, for everything you do, for everything that’s true – I turn to you."  This person in her life seems to be a wonderful support.  The person protects her from storms, loves her, is a friend to her, and provides strength when she needs it.  While the assumption is that this is a romantic partner, it doesn't have to be.  For me, I find such in my group of sister friends who surround me and take care of me in all these ways.  The relationship that we have affords such closeness, and I know that I can turn to them no matter what is going on, and I don't have to worry about a thing.
"When I lose the will to win, I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again. I can do anything, cuz your love is so amazing, cuz your love inspires me. And when I need a friend, you’re always on my side giving me faith, taking me through the night."  This stanza reflects Divine love for me.  The love that God provides for me (hence why I call God "Love") inspires me to love myself and others in a greater way.  And the faith that I receive just from walking in relationship with God enables me to walk through and in just about anything.  I know good and well I would have lost my mind long ago if if it had not been for the strength that God provides for me to trust something other than myself and the opinions of others.
"For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain, for truth that will never change, for someone to lean on, for a heart I can rely on through anything, for the one who I can run to – I turn to you."  Rounding out the song, she speaks to the loving embrace and the reliability of her friend.  Two things stand out to me in this stanza: "for truth that will never change" and "for the one who I can run to."  The piece about truth is amazing to me, because we so often seek things that we can know to be true in our lives as a means of stability and consistency.  For some, this is found in religion, their identities, their jobs, their families, any number of things.  I find it profound that part of her truth could be found in the love that she found from another person.  This says a lot about their relationship and the investment that's been made.  And the last line is one that is familiar from other songs.  In my mind, I see the little kid that resides in all of us feeling scared, hurt, or overwhelmed and running toward a loving parent and being scooped up into those arms to be protected and cared for.  Everyone needs someone to run to when the world has gotten to be too much.

Day 163 - Do What You Love

“The struggle of doing what you Love far outweighs the comfort of settling for anything less.” –The Daily Love
It’s been said that we are most alive when we are living in our purpose. And while this sounds like an ideal suggestion, the fight just to survive day to day tends to overshadow the idea of being fulfilled. In fact, the idea of being fulfilled seems like an elitist’s privilege more than the right of every living person. As much as I appreciated “Eat, Pray, Love,” I took issue with the fact that she had the means to take a year off and skip around the world to find herself. Anyone can be fulfilled with money to burn and time to figure it out. When you have time to reflect and be introspective without having to worry about paying bills or doing homework or feeding children, then of course, you can find and live out your passion uninhibited. I’m not negating the bravery it took to leave her marriage and her life, but I am saying that money goes a long way in that journey.
But I’ve since come to realize something – we are all born to do something great, and deep down, we know that. The question becomes one of whether we will fight to do and achieve that thing. Granted, economic restrictions, unsupportive environments, people’s expectations, and other factors can play major roles in why so many people miss what they were created to do/be, and these cannot be discounted. Of course, there are many famous people who have come from some extreme circumstances and overcome odds to become wealthy and successful… but what about the average person who doesn’t become Oprah or Obama?
In asking this question, I realized something else – you don’t have to be rich and famous to be fulfilled and live in your purpose. Today’s quotation speaks to that reality. If I’m supposed to be a writer, but I become a corporate lawyer, because I want to make $100K a year, I will make the money and be successful in that aspect, but my life and heart will still be empty. Is writing always a lucrative career? No. But because of my understanding of self, I would rather be happy writing than miserable making millions. Becoming a lawyer may not seem like settling, but if my purpose is writing, then doing anything else is settling.
Of course, this type of thinking takes trusting yourself (knowing your passion and being confident enough in your gift to use it) and trusting God (believing that the passion is God-given and that God will provide through said gift). Money is important – I would be lying if I said otherwise. But sanity and peace of mind and fulfillment are more important. Ask the miserable rich people who have amassed great wealth but still feel empty or battle depression or spend their lives searching for things to fill that ache in their souls. Now, talking about money as secondary in a recession may seem a bit ludicrous, but I have come to understand that one of the best ways that I can love myself (and the world) is to do what I was created to do and offer it to the world. Will there be times of struggle? Yes. Will I have to do other things as I pursue my passion? Possibly. But in the end, I am chasing my passion and not my paycheck.
I admonish all of you to examine the path of your life. If the guiding force and end goal are not your primary passion and purpose in life, I would rethink why you do what you do. It may take risks and it may not be easy, but you owe it to yourself to at least consider how you can incorporate your passion into your life. Even if it’s a weekend hobby instead of a full-time vocation, it deserves your time and attention. I know that part of being an adult is about being “responsible” and understanding that you can’t do everything that you want to do, but I still don’t believe that you have to be miserable or that your passions have to be dreams that get thrown out like yesterday’s trash just because you have bills.

Day 162 - Libby Jefferson Wilson

Libby was one of the original beautiful people that I met, even though I didn’t really understand that at the time.  I met her in the Black Voices Gospel Choir at UVA.  She was a charismatic, outspoken person whose energy and heart are infectious.  Some of my most cherished memories of UVA were choir rehearsal where she would be buzzing around, saying “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!” with her hand pointed in the direction of her latest amusement.  She was loved by everyone, because she just has a way of making you comfortable and making you laugh. 

She became one of my sisters, and I always cherished her.  There was something about her presence that spoke to me.  I began to call her “Aunty,” because she had a comforting presence of wisdom and love.  She had advice and experience that she was not afraid to share.  There were countless moments when I would visit her in her room and just sit on her bed to be near her.  And whenever I saw her, I could tackle her in a hug.  I absolutely LOVE good hugs, and she seemed to understand giving good hugs.  Even to this day, the last time I saw her, we did our usual routine.  We stand a good 5 feet apart, me getting pumped and her laughing at my excitement, and then we nod at each other and run to embrace.  She is such a genuine person.  Her depth of spirit and strength are only reflected by her glowing outer beauty.  And the joy that she brings… indescribable.  Spend 2 minutes in her presence, and I guarantee you’ll be smiling from the inside out.

We have recently reconnected, and I’m so glad.  Libby, I love you, and I thank you for what you have done and who you have been in my life. 

Day 161 - Daddy

Well, today is Father's Day, so I figure it makes sense to talk about the first man in my life, my dad, Ronald Hawkins.  All of my life, I've been told that I look like him, and I think it's an interesting "coincidence" that my middle name is Rona (presumably short for Ronald), because I have taken on many of my father's traits as well as his looks and his metabolism.  To say that our relationship has been less than conventional would be an understatement.  As with any relationship, it's come with its challenges.  But while we haven't always agreed or even been very close or communicative, I know that my dad did the very best that he could with the adversities that he had to work through.  As we have both grown in this thing called Life, we have become closer and learned to communicate much better.
My dad is intelligent, creative, resourceful, and always willing to lend a helping hand.  And anyone who knows me knows that I am the same way.  Though things haven't always been rosy, I love this guy.  He has his own way of communicating and showing things, but I'm glad to know that he loves me too and that he does much to take care of me.  I remember one of the many times that I had car troubles.  I was leaving UVA in Charlottesville with all my stuff in the car, and just outside of CVille, a tire blew. Dad had to get off work, find a part to get the tire off, drive to CVille (a good hour and change from where we lived), and come change the tire in the rain.  It's moments like that when I know that my dad loves me and that I can count myself one lucky girl.
So to my dad and every dad who makes a choice to do more than just make a child, thanks. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.
Dad, I love you.  :)

Day 160 - Outside

I have always had a love affair with nature, especially at night.  Nothing calms me more than to sit outside and simply look at the beauty of God’s creation as it stands outside my window.  This poem reflects a bit of my love for nature and the Artist behind some of my favorite scenery, especially as the expanse of the sky has helped me to breathe in some difficult situations. 

Cold.

Tired.

Disconnected and stressed.

Seeing no end in sight and

Desiring nothing more than

To be swallowed whole and

Swept away….

Seeking refuge in my own thoughts,

Trying to sort out a puzzle

When the pieces are in the hands of another,

I get to the end of my rope and

Then I keep going,

Far beyond hope,

Feeling anything less than whole, and

Undone in places that I never

Dreamed would leak.

My heart cries things my mouth never could,

My eyes leaking things my brain can’t fathom,

My body pressed under the weight of burdens

I never knew existed,

Buckling under the strain of enemies and battles

I never knew I had.

Trying to reach for help,

But finding none…

Trying all kinds of medicines to at least

Slow the pain

But instead finding more pain –

That sip was temporarily sweet,

That puff couldn’t bring permanent peace,

That person brought a passing pleasure,

Any high I had was halted as

I fell back into reality,

Falling head-first into heartache that

Seemed inescapable,

Like a tattoo or birthmark that

I was destined to drag.

If only…

Even that church thing that

People said would solve my problems and

Leave me “blessed and highly favored”

Didn’t seem to reach me where I was,

In that place of “busted and highly fractured.”

Having carried hidden pains, dark secrets,

The scars of others, and more than

My fair share of anything bad,

I reached the height of hurt and

I …

Just …

Stopped.

With my head bowed,

I could see the tears spilling onto the ground

As my soul asked,

“God, why?  Why do I feel so alone

When You said You’d never leave me?”

As if to answer,

A warm breeze encircled me in

The midst of my cold night,

Hugging me and grazing the

Salty trails on my face.

My arms, previously keeping me warm,

Unclenched and reached up as

A child reaching up for the loving arms of a

Parent for an embrace.

It was then my eyes beheld

The true poetry and personification of

Psalm 19 –

The heavens declare the glory of God…

It was as if my Heavenly Father was

Wrapping baby girl in a

Black security blanket and

Singing me to sleep with the

Lullaby of little creatures.

With the moon as my nightlight,

I was able to see more than in the

Brightest midday,

Breathing refreshing air as if

Straight from the lungs of God,

Sensing a stillness that a

Hurricane couldn’t shake.

In that moment,

I felt God closer than ever,

Closer than my own heart

Beating in my chest…

God was like medicine

Pumped straight into my veins,

Tickling my heart,

Setting my limbs on fire,

Releasing butterflies in my stomach

That awakened things in me

That words couldn’t describe

But that something in me felt as

Peace.

That day, I began to shape,

Rebuild, and move forward like never before.

And when I sense the pain threatening to

Abort the butterflies of anointing and

Extinguish the fire within,

I wrap myself in God’s starry blanket and

Let my heart dance and cry in the moonlight,

Reconnecting to the breath beyond my lungs,

Realizing that God’s best work is done at night.

Day 159 - Gay Pride

While June is half over, because of some of those closest to me, I feel that I should acknowledge this month.  I know that there are many thoughts and feelings as it relates the LGBT community, but I choose to focus on the positive.  In my mind, this is the definition of love without bounds.  It takes courage to be who you are, especially in a society that tells you that who you are is wrong or abnormal.  The strength it takes to love someone when you’re taught not to is an admirable thing in my eyes, especially when there are some many people suppressing it or living double lives out of fear.  This is in no way an indictment against them, because it is tremendously difficult to live out loud when much of what you hear is against what you feel as a deep part of yourself.

The freedom to love who you love is a beautiful thing, and when you can do that though it stands in opposition to what many people agree with, I believe that there is a freedom of self like no other.  And I believe that everyone deserves the right to be happy and to be authentic, so I stand in alliance with those who are wrongfully mistreated because of who they love.  At the end of the day, no matter who you love or relate to, I believe that it’s about what is true to you on the deepest levels and living in a healthy, harmonious environment.  If your relationship is healthy, happy, and respectful, then that’s what love is all about.  Love knows no race, gender, economic status, religion, etc – it only knows when love is reflected from another to match itself. 

So, I stand for equal rights.  I stand for equal treatment.  I stand for people being seen as people, period.  There are so many things that distinguish us, but difference does not equate to inferiority.  And just because you don’t “understand” (and what needs to be understood really – it’s two people in relationship) or participate in it yourself doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.  It’s just not for you, and that’s okay.