Day 317 - Nothing in this World

I absolutely LOVED this song back in the day.  Clearly I'm a fan of love songs, and the thought of working toward building a life together....  So when Pandora brought it back to me, I had to blog about it.... 

"I can picture us in the living room by the mantle piece, and you’re telling me you’re loving me with your hands on my thighs while I’m staring in your brown eyes.  And the expression on your face is telling me you want more than a taste, so tonight we’re going all the way - we’ll be loving till the break of day."  The singer appears to be fantasizing, thinking about a time when she and her love are sharing a tender, intimate moment.  And in the midst of the emotional connection, the sexual arises, and they find themselves making love for hours through the night.

"There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you boy.  I don’t care what the others say now that I got you, babe.  No one can bring me joy like you, girl.  All the little things you do - it's all about you, boo."  In the chorus, the two sing to each other.  The woman says that there is nothing she wouldn't do for him, and that she will stick by him no matter what anyone else says.  He returns the care, cherishing all the things she does for him and responding to these things by making her the relational priority in his life.

"I can picture us running in the rain after a movie then we spark a flame.  O, I love it when you scream my name.  Going 60 in the 3rd lane.  We pull over to the parking lot - in the Park, that's my favorite spot. Doing just about anything.  We’ll be going till the birds sing."  This time, he is the one allowing his imagination to wander, and he thinks on the passion and pleasure in their relationship as well. 

"I think it's bout time that I make you mine. O, what your saying to me, boy?  Come on break it down.  To find another like you will be a lifetime.  I think I see where you’re going, baby.  Let it out, let it out.  Listen to me, baby - got something to say.  Is it really what I think?  Don’t take all day.  Forever is what I wanna give to you.  So what do you say?  Baby I do."  So after they have spent some time together, shared intimate moments and passionate exchanges, they come a place in their relationship where it is time to take things to the next level.  He says it's time to make her his, to claim her in relationship.  He says that she is so rare and awesome that it would take an entire lifetime to find someone who makes him feel the way she does.  As he is talking, she is anticipating his words, hopeful that the conclusion will be one that she too has been desiring.  He says he wants to give her forever, drops to one knee, and proposes.  In the fashion of a wedding, she responds by saying, "I do." 

Day 316 - Too Much

"I've been through too much not to worship Him.  My worship, my worship is for real."  "You are the source of my strength.  You are the strength of my life.  I lift my hands in total praise to You."  "For every mountain You brought me over, for every trial You've seen me through, for every blessing, hallelujah - for this, I give You praise."  "You cost of the oil... you don't know the cost of my praise.  You don't know the cost of oil in my alabaster box..."

It is easy to take things in life for granted.  If my brother's accident has taught me anything, it's that life can change in an instant.  So my chosen response in this moment is to take time and publicly acknowledge THE Love of my life.  There have been many loves in my life, but the ultimate Love of my life is none other than my Divine Friend, God.  God has done more for me than there is time left in eternity to tell.  I have dealt with so much in my 27 years, and I can only give credit to God for the fact that I'm still here and not completely insane.  I don't have time to list everything, but I feel should highlight some of the things I've been through just so you have an idea why I love God so much...

• 3 heart surgeries (2 of which were open-heart and before I was 6 years old)
• More than 1 bout with depression
• More rejection than I care to count
• Sexual trauma
• Suicidal thoughts
• Interesting family dynamics
• Constant fear 
• Low self-esteem
• Etc.

But through it all, God's presence has been a constant source of strength, love, inspiration, comfort, etc.  There have been moments when the pain was unbearable,  and I just knew no one cared and that there was no point going on....  Yet, God has always placed someone in my path or played me a song or spoken a word that let me know that it was going to be okay, that I had purpose beyond this moment, that I was loved.  I've had to do much in terms of seeking healing, but God has been with me every step of the way, and I am so much better and stronger through it all.  Would I have chosen all the things that happened to me?  No.  But I can say on the other side of most of it that it has definitely allowed me opportunities for growth that have helped me as a person and have given me a greater outlook and deeper sense of compassion.  I'm not negating the weight of my experiences, but I do know that the past has happened, and the best way to deal with it is to heal and move forward, so that my past doesn't hinder my past. 
So I am thankful for a Friend who is LOVING, consistent, giving, patient, empowering, and so much more.  And I'm thankful that what I've gone through can be filtered through the lenses of love and wisdom to bring healing to others with similar experiences.  The Love of my life who leads, guides, holds, and loves me no matter what.  God has definitely done far too much for me to not say anything about it and be thankful every minute of every day.  Even in the hard times, I can be nothing but thankful (even when I'm fussing at God about how things seem to be going).

"Been through trials and tribulations, been the talk of conversations, been abused with no direction - through it all found consolation knowing that my Father loves me...  Even when I'm feeling lonely, He's always there.  I am a testimony and it's by the grace of God.  Been through ups and downs, been all around, but I'm still here.  I am a testimony for all men to see God is still working miracles today..."

Day 315 - 5 Miles to Empty

I get the most random songs stuck in my head at times.  All it takes is for someone to say a word, and a song will come to mind, and it can get stuck there for hours.   This is one such song that got here this morning when my mother said something about, "so much time."  And while I don't blog about every song that gets stuck in my head, this was one that takes me back a bit, so I figured why not...

"O, baby, can we sit down and talk for a minute?  You know that we've got a few things we need to work out, o yeah.  You can spare me all your sorry details - had enough of all your lies and my silent cries."  She has come to a point in her relationship that she feels the need to confront her love and discuss what's happening.  She feels he's been lying to her, and she is tired of it, because she is tired of crying and hiding her feelings/pain (hence the silent cries).
"Hurry, hurry, quick, quick - I need a man who's gonna do me right.  Hurry, hurry, quick, quick - somebody who will surely satisfy.  When I think of your love, it only makes me stop and wonder truly why, oh why, why would you make me cry, oh baby?"  She is at the point where she seems to have reached the end of her road (you know what song is about to be stuck in my head now...) and she is ready to find someone who will love her, be honest, and provide for her needs.  Thinking about him only causes her to wonder why he would treat her the way he has - in such a way that it makes her cry.
"5 miles to empty.  My heart is running low, whoa. I need a good man to fill me up.  I need a good man to give me love, yeah."  She is self-aware enough to know that she is close to the breaking point.  She recognizes her need for love, and she is asking for it.  It's unclear whether she will be leaving her current situation to get it or if she is asking her current partner to step up and give her what she needs, but one thing is clear - she needs to be loved. 

"We spend so much time, we're always fighting desperately trying for love we know won't last much longer, no, no, baby.  Such a waste of time when we're praying though, some are saying that we won't last much longer than a day, no."  It is sometimes true that we can fight and push for things that were not meant to last.  How do you know when something is over?  I wish there was an easy answer to that question or a formula, but the truth is that it's different for each situation.  What I will say is to give your all until you come to a point where you recognize that it is not to continue, and then you let go.  Even if things end, you will be to say that you gave it your all.  And you never know, the tough time may just be a season in the relationship, and you don't want to give up on your destiny because there was a moment of trial.  Patience can serve you well (and that may have to be a blog entry in itself).  At the same time, don't just hold on to something because you're scared there's nothing else.  Take time to feel from your gut whether it's time to go - your instincts will rarely steer you wrong if you are still enough to feel them.

Day 314 - Umbrella

I haven't heard this song in a while, but when I heard it this afternoon, it made me smile.  In a lot of ways, it resonates with who I see myself as when it comes to being a friend.  While the song is more romantic in nature, I think that it can apply to friendship as well.  There's a lot to be said for loyalty and sticking with people when they have hard times.  Patience is truly a virtue, and sometimes all we need is a little understanding, but that's not always easy to get/give, especially when we have our own stuff going on.  But I believe that if we take the time to walk with someone through their hard times, any relationship can be that much better.
"You have my heart and we'll never be worlds apart.  May be in magazines, but you'll still be my star.  Baby, cuz in the dark, you can't see shiny cars.  And that's when you need me there - with you I'll always share..."  The singer starts by saying that whoever she is singing to has her heart, and because of that, they can't be separated.  Even if they do happen to find themselves apart, they are connected by the feelings there.  While she is in magazines and is famous, having all kinds of attention and such, to her, the star is the one she loves.  Because at the end of the day, money and fame and all that can't solve all the problems and it can't keep the hard times from coming, and so it's in those times that they need each other, and she is letting it be known that she will be there when those times happen.
"Because when the sun shines, we'll shine together.  Told you I'll be here forever.  Said I'll always be a friend - took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end.  Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other.  You can stand under my umbrella.  You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh), under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)..."  The reason she'll be there is because she recognizes that when there are good times in the life of one, it is reflected in the life of the other because of what they share.  She has said that she will be there forever, and she is holding true to her promise of fidelity and commitment, even as a friend.  And when times get harder, that doesn't cause separation.  They can still share together, trusting that the other person will always be there to share and care for them.  She is even offering her umbrella as a measure of care and protection from the trials of the world around them.  And just like standing under an umbrella brings people physically closer, going through this trial together will further solidify their bond.
"These fancy things, will never come in between - you're part of my entity, here for infinity.  When the war has took its part, when the world has dealt its cards, if the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart..."  While she is famous and there are many things that could pull her away, her priorities are set, and this relationship is at the top of the list.  No matter what comes against either of them and no matter how hard things get, they will have each other for support and healing.
"You can run into my arms.  It's OK don't be alarmed.  Come here to me.  There's no distance in between our love.  So go on and let the rain pour.  I'll be all you need and more..."  She is offering herself and her care as comfort for the times when life gets crazy.  She is even inviting her friend to come to her to receive of the love that she has to give.  Because they are connected by love, it doesn't matter what happens or how much rain falls, because she is willing to do anything and everything to provide what is needed to get through. 

Day 313 - Taxes and Love

As I was scrolling through my Twitter time line, I saw a tweet from an article from the Huffington Post that said, "What doing my taxes taught me about love."  I clicked on the link and this is the article that appeared.

"Deep reflection" is a state normally reserved for such occasions as planning to produce a child, tearing off the last page of your cat-a-day calendar or deciding whether that orange blazer you grabbed from the sale rack makes you look trendy or traffic cone-y. Well, let me just say that when I assembled files for my accountant last week, I didn't consider it a sentimental event; for heaven's sake, it was tax time. So it was rather unexpected when my head began registering pangs of rumination rather than basic arithmetic.

I'm aware that doing your taxes is decidedly a left-brain affair. The tax code may have 5,296 pages, but it nowhere asks you to list the your emotional losses and gains.

And yet, as I pulled out my intricate "catchall" filing system (read: one large pile), I revived the tumult and triumph of 2011, one crumpled piece of paper at a time. It's not as if my W-2 and pay stubs provoked memories of the year before. It's that they lived next to remnant scraps that did.

I flipped through the first (and oldest) item forming the base of the pile, a hefty packet of my birth certificate and other vital records, translated into Greek. They were necessary to begin the process of securing Greek citizenship, my ticket to living and working anywhere in the European Union -- a dream as unrealized as my application, which is likely tucked in an unopened box sitting in a dark office in bureaucratically stalled Athens.

Flip.

I unsheathed a folded printout that reveals an unused (and expired) Groupon. Knowing how much I enjoy baking, my ex-boyfriend's mother had gifted me a coupon for a cupcake-making class at a bakery downtown. A stab of regret gripped my chest; I didn't bring her a sample batch because I never redeemed the voucher.

Flip.

I thumbed through neatly handwritten flyers that advertised the small summer stoop sale I had hosted in anticipation of what I thought would be a daring move to London for a few months until citizenship came through. Three weeks later, my white walls bare, circumstances changed, I wasn't going anymore.

Flip. Flip. Flip.

Margaritas. About $400 in receipts for margaritas. It's too bad you can't write off a breakup.

Flip.

I peeled apart a stack of photos that had nearly fused after being compressed in the pile for eight months. I had developed them from a disposable camera purchased en route to a late-summer canoeing/camping trip with friends in Maine. I shuffled to a photo of me below a 10-story bridge, clinging to an accelerating rope swing knotted above. The picture was snapped mere seconds before my hands slipped down the coarse fibers, sending me into shallow bed of rocks below rather than the safety and depth of the Saco River. My only scar was the gash in my second toe -- and of course, the battle wounds of embarrassment.

Flip.

I squinted at a faded receipt and made out "Walmart." Road-tripping to pastoral southwestern Pennsylvania, friends and I had stocked up on groceries for a long weekend of hiking in Ohiopyle State Park, cooking in a lakeside cabin and exploring Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater. I likened myself to the architect, drawing a sense of well-being from the walls of blazing autumn leaves lining the mountain roads. Of course, he had channeled that inspiration into architectural feats, while I merely sat in the passenger seat of a rental car and stared at the cows dotting the textured landscape. I was doing absolutely nothing.

Flip.

I unrolled a wrinkled note card and read the mantra printed carefully on it: from darkness lead me to light. At the end of the year, I reallocated a portion of my London fund into my Costa Rica fund, and I signed up for a weeklong yoga retreat on the rugged Osa Peninsula. I sweated and breathed through three-hour sunrise classes on an elevated yoga platform buffered by a dense flock of tropical nutmeg trees, screeching with howler monkeys and pelicans. My teacher spread his arms to the jungle around us and urged us to "leave everything here -- it can absorb it all."

Flip.

Two hours later, I had gone through the contents of my year.

Yes, I'm aware that a good old-fashioned filing system (or a simple folder) could have helped me avoid this untimely jaunt down memory lane. But the truth is that confronting how I spent my money and my time helped me recognize the true trajectory of my year. Disappointment didn't shrink or stall me, like I thought it did at the time; while I was trying to reinvent my way out from under the weight of big plans gone astray, I didn't realize I had already thrown myself back into the world.

As for all of my recent receipts, mementos and ticket stubs, I'm throwing them all into a brand-new heap, already piled three and a-half months high. 2012, I'll deal with you next year.

As I read this article, I thought about how any and everything can point us toward love.  As the author of this article, I have had the most random things in life remind me of those I love, of cherished moments, or even of moments that I let slip by me.  I encourage you to take some time each day to reflect on the places where love has touched your life and where it continues to touch your life in the unexpected and random places.  Maybe you hear a song on the radio and think of a person in your life who loved that song.  Maybe you drive past a place where you had a date with someone significant.  Whatever the case may be and whatever things look like with that particular person now, you most likely once shared a treasured love and connection.  Remember to be thankful for those things, even when the season with that person ends, and look forward.  Remember, there is more love and joy in your life than you think - you just have to open your eyes/heart in each moment to see/feel it.

Day 312 - Run to You

I'm definitely a fan of Whitney Houston, as I'm sure I've made clear.  I was listening to this song the other day, and it really resonated with me, so I figured I would blog about it....
"I know that when you look at me, there's so much that you just don't see. But if you would only take the time I know in my heart you'd find a girl who's scared sometimes, who isn't always strong.  Can't you see the hurt in me?  I feel so all alone."  The singer seems to be talking to a desired friend/love, saying that she is aware that much of of her is beneath the surface.  Given the context of the song within "The Bodyguard" movie, she is a singer and celebrity, so she can be seen as just that.  Yet she, like everyone else, has more to her than meets the eye.  While she doesn't want to let the world in on this fact, she has acknowledged that underneath the confident, glamorous exterior is a scared, vulnerable little girl who has been hurt and needs care.  Because people tend to see her as her public persona, she at times feels isolated and alone, most likely because she's misunderstood and largely unable to let her true self show. 
"I wanna run to you, I wanna run to you.  Won't you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm?  I wanna run to you but if I come to you, tell me, will you stay or will you run away?"  She has now expressed a desire to run to this desired friend.  She is opening up enough to be vulnerable with the person and admit her need for love and protection and even security in relationship.  Yet, even in expressing her desire, she uses caution, asking if the response will be positive and if the person will be able to handle her needs or if the person will flee and not provide for her (whether running by leaving the relationship or creating space and leaving needs unmet within the relationship).
"Each day, each day I play the role of someone always in control, but at night I come home and turn the key. There's nobody there, no one cares for me.  What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams without someone to share it with?  Tell me, what does it mean?"  The singer talks about her need to wear a strong face because of her job and life.  Yet when she gets home to a place where she can be herself, there is no one there to love and be with the real her.  Like many people come to realize, she says that it seems almost pointless to seek to be famous and make all kinds of money and have all kinds of stuff but still be lonely or not be able to share that joy with someone significant.
"I need you here.  I need you here to wipe away my tears, to kiss away my fears.  If you only knew how much I wanna run to you..."  Once again, she is being open in expressing her feelings and needs.  She desires presence, emotional support, affection, consoling, availability, and more.  Because it doesn't typically show on her face, she feels that her level of need and desire for this kind of love and support can't easily be seen, but she is letting it be known that it is real and deep in hopes that her friend/love will share in relationship with her and provide what she is asking for.

Day 311 - You're the One

Because this song has been STUCK in my head since I heard it yesterday, I guess I need to write about it so that it will leave me alone.  I don't really know the song like that, but the few lines I know have been on repeat, so here goes...

"I don't believe that we were put together not to be together, and I don't believe there's anyone out there that can love me better.  I don't believe that you know how much I miss seeing your pretty smile.  Of course we had our ups and downs, but I gotta have you around me, cuz..."  Based on the relationship that they've had, the singer feels that it wasn't a coincidence that they came to cross paths, and not just as friends, but to be together.  She also doesn't believe that anyone else can love her in a way that is more fulfilling and healing than what she has with him.  And she doesn't think he's aware of the impact that he has on her.  She acknowledges that, as in every relationship, things will happen that are less than positive, but she still wants it to be him that she goes through those things with.

"I feel it all over my body, I dream about you when I sleep.  You're the one for me.  You're the one for me. All the signs say that ever since the day that we laid eyes on each other, baby - you're the one for me.  You're the one for me."  Their relationship and connection have touched her deeply - she feels the love in her body when she's awake, and when she's asleep, he occupies her subconscious and comes out in her dreams.  Because of this and so much more, she's determined that he is the one for her.  She feels that life and the courses of action that have gotten them to where they are have pointed to the fact that they are meant to be together.  You know, those divine inklings, feelings, moments, and "coincidences" that can nudge us so gently that we almost miss them - all of that is telling her that this is destined to be. 

"I don't believe that you know how much I melt every time I smell your scent, boy, and I don't believe I got myself in this predicament.  I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong.  I'm sorry and I'm begging you, begging you, begging you, baby, please come back home."  In this verse, we see the reason for this song - the singer has messed up.  She made a mistake of some sort, but she has realized that this man is the one she wants to be with for the rest of her life.  It seems that even though she messed up, she loves him dearly, and she has realized that she doesn't want this to be the end.  And maybe it's because of the mistake that she doesn't think he understands how much she loves and misses and cares about him, how even the little things like his scent affect her. 

"When I lay in my bed at night, I'm hoping and praying that you feel the same way that I do deep down inside, and that feeling you just can't control, it makes you wanna just call me and tell me how much you really miss me.  It makes you wanna call me and say that you can't wait to hold and kiss me, kiss me all over."  Because of the mistake, there appears to be some separation, but she is hopeful that he feels the same love that she does.  She is hoping that he will be taken by those feelings and moved to call her, visit her, and express his love for her by holding her and sharing his love with her physically.

Day 310 - Marriage

So while I have been trying to stay away from blogging about this, I've had enough divine reminders, conversations, tweets, and everything else just today to make me realize that I need to go ahead and blog about it.  You may ask why I've been avoiding it, and there are a few reasons for this.  For one thing, I've never been married, so my vantage point for this state of being is slightly incomplete.  I mean, my longest romantic relationship was about 9 months, and there was a 3 month break in the middle of that, so I wonder about my own ability to do the "forever" thing.  There's also the religious/political battle surrounding marriage equality in this country, and I like to stay as far away from political messes as much as I can.
But think that the major reason I've stayed away from it is that my own experience and/or understanding of the thing called marriage hasn't been positive overall.  In looking the only marriage I've ever seen up close - my parents' - I can't say that it made me want to run down the aisle.  This along with the jokes that people tend to tell about ball and chain or about how marriage makes people miserable, not to mention the fact that the divorce rate in America is around 50%.  And the portrayal of marriage in the media, complete with the foolishness of things like what Kim Kardashian did, doesn't offer the most promising examples.  None of that makes me want to enter into such a thing, no matter how much I recognize that I am built for (and how much I love) committed relationship.
There are so many different perspectives as to what marriage is as this Huffington Post article made clear. The answers are all over the place ranging from complaints about the institution to covenant relationship to something that shouldn't be politically defined to hell on earth. According to the Dictionary, marriage has the following definitions:

1. a. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. 

b. a similar institution involving partners of the same gender: gay marriage. 

2. the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock: a happy marriage. 

3. the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of two people to live as a married couple, including the accompanying social festivities: to officiate at a marriage.

4. a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction: trial marriage.

5. any close or intimate association or union
These definitions once again cover the gamut from the legal to the relational.  For the sake of this blog entry, I shall focus my emphasis on the last 2, since relationship is what's most important to me.  Because love/relationship is a focus of mine, I've spent much time thinking about marriage despite my feelings and misgivings about it.  I have wondered what a healthy, long-lasting relationship looks like, especially in the context of people who live together.  I've had some great friendships, though most of them have been seasonal (possibly another reason I wonder about this whole thing - I don't have any life-long friends).  Yet, I never shared a room much less a bed with any of my friends.  While I have people who I talk to daily and who I consider myself sharing my life with in some ways, the concept of combining life space (huge for me as an introvert), the sharing of most (if not all) of life, the love/intimacy of a good friend, the physical/sexual expression of both care and desire, and a day-to-day commitment with someone as they grow and change and evolve... I have to admit that I have cold feet just thinking about it.
I've been told over and over that it's something that you have to just experience, and I believe it.  For a very long time, I didn't really have a desire to, and I know that a lot of people have concerns about that.  According to the media, men will play around and date multiple women, but it takes that ONE to make them fall in love (and usually they have to go through some sort of major crisis/altercation to figure that out).  Well, I think it's true that the thing that can really help to make such a frightening situation into one that can be palatable, even pleasing, is finding a person with whom you connect on so many different levels and with whom you share a love that goes beyond anything you've ever experienced.  Now that's not to say that you marry every person you love.  There are a few people in my life - sisters, good friends, etc - that I say "I love you" to all the time.  And even the connection that we have as friends/sisters is great, but nothing about that makes me want to spend the rest of my life in a romantic, committed relationship with them.  There has to be that extra added dimension that includes compatibility (in any number of categories - mentally, spiritually, sexually, etc).  While the basis of marriage should be a strong friendship and companionship, there needs to be more than that.
What am I trying to say?  I used to be afraid of being married.  I didn't think it was for me.  I didn't think it could be a positive experience.  But marriage, while it is an institution with its own set of legal benefits and issues, is a coming together of two people who are good friends who share a love for one another and similar thoughts/goals for their future.  It's about two people who have decided to build a life together, taking who they are at the deepest levels and sharing that with another person on similarly deep levels.  It's about a caring, nurturing relationship where these two people hear and nurture the dreams of the other as they strive to shape a life that will impact the world in a positive way.  It's about growing in love in a way that gives you patience for the growing edges, strength for the tough times, affection for the good times, and a connection that allows for openness, intimacy, and vulnerability to take place.  When you find a space in which you love someone and you know that you are truly loved in return, it makes things so much simpler.  Marriage, from what I can gather, is this and so much more....  I guess you'll just have to see for yourself... and so will I.  :)