Day 52 - Questions

So, normally with this blog, I pick something to reflect on or talk about, but today, I just have some questions that I'd like to pose (and maybe/maybe not speculate some answers to) and hopefully create some pondering and some dialogue.

• Why is love sometimes so hard to find/grasp/keep?  Whether most people recognize or acknowledge it, everyone is on a quest for love....  Yet, it seems like real love eludes most of us.  I was talking to a friend today about her relationship and the beauty that it is, and she said that what she has is hard to find.  This is unfortunately true, and I have to wonder why.  Love is so prevalent in life and relationships that I sometimes have to scratch my head as to why it seems so difficult to find love as a sustained, consistent, positive thing in most people's lives, especially in the romantic sense.
• Is love really boundless/unconditional?  Or, a better way to ask that - can we really love unconditionally?  I think that love itself, as an entity, has no bounds, no limits, and no conditions or prerequisites.  On its own, especially within the heart of an open-minded, 'whole' person, love can be as unconditional and boundless and beautiful as it resides in the heart of God.  I think the problem lies in the fact that people put restrictions, boundaries, and limits on who can love who and in what way.  Someone might argue that not all love is equal or that love can't/shouldn't be expressed in certain ways within certain contexts.  I disagree with that kind of thinking.  Love, in the truest sense, doesn't understand or abide by restrictions.  In the case of Romeo and Juliet, love didn't understand feuding families - it just understood a bond between two people who cared deeply for each other.  Now, I don't agree with suicide, but I do agree with love having the sense to see beyond boundaries when people don't.
• Is it naive to think that love can be a societal norm and motivator?  Can we really have a love ethic within society where people operate out of love instead of greed, compassion instead of self-interest and profit-focus?

Just some things to ponder....  And feel to comment with thoughts/suggestions.

Day 51 - Ready for Love

I love what she says beforehand in the live version: "it's not about wanting a specific person; it's not to a specific person.  This song is to God, to the energy of love to come and bless my life.  And that's why I love this song so much, because every time I sing it, it is my affirmation, because I am ready for love."  I appreciate that, because I'm at the point in my life where there is no one of particular interest or special meaning in my life romantically, but I am still ready for love in the sense that love should be a daily reality despite your relationship status.  And being ready for and open to love makes things that much better.  Everyone wants/needs love, but if you are in a place where you are unable to receive it because of emotional baggage or issues, then all the love in the world could be injected straight into your veins, but you wouldn't be able to receive it in its fullness.  

So, let's take the song itself: "I am ready for love - why are you hiding from me?  I would quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity."  I do have wonder about the captivity, especially since love is not in the business of capturing anyone or holding them against their will or in any way that inhibits freedom...  But it can sometimes seem that love is hard to find, especially in the world/society in which we live that emphasizes wealth, status, and performance as means of determining value.  But I think giving love when we can opens us to the love that is available, even in obscure or unexpected locations.  

"I am ready for love - all of the joy and the pain and all the time that it takes just to stay in your good grace."  It is a mature assessment to understand that there can be pain in love.  As for working to stay in someone's good grace, ideally love will help with that.  When you love someone, you naturally want to do things to please and make that person happy.  Now, if that person has ridiculous expectations and desires (needing to know where you are every 15 minutes, unreasonable demands on your time, money, emotions, etc), then maybe there should be a conversation about healthy expectations and the basis for the current expectations (see http://thelovelyyear.blogspot.com/2011/02/day-49-expectations.html).

"Lately I've been thinking maybe you're not ready for me.  Maybe you think I need to learn maturity.  They say watch what you ask for, cuz you might receive, but if you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing.  I am ready for love.  Would you please lend me your ear?  I promise I won't complain; I just need you to acknowledge I am here."  It is also a sign of maturity to recognize another person's feelings.  Now, as my therapist always encouraged me, it's better to ask someone how they feel rather than speculating, and I'd have to agree.  My mother always said that when you assume, it makes an @$$ of u and me (ass-u-me).  And besides, good communication is key in any relationship, so why not talk about feelings and concerns?  But once you are ready for love, no one or nothing can really stand in your way of pursuing it, especially when you recognize your deep need for it. 

"If you give me half a chance, I'll prove this to you.  I will be patient, kind, faithful and true to a man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world, and thinks with his heart."  This stanza clearly points to an interest in a romantic relationship (and I must say I LOVE this description and hope to find one of those for myself), essentially asking for a relationship in which to prove the depth of and readiness for love that see has.

"I am ready for love.  If you'll take me in your hands, I will learn what you teach and do the best that I can.  I am ready for love here with an offering of  my voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind.  Tell me what is enough to prove I am ready for love?"  This might be my favorite part of the song, as it reminds me of sitting in God's lap and being poured into with love and patient words of instruction and care.  And as a response, there is a full-being offering in order that the love being given will enrich the person receiving the love as well as be a channel for the love to others.  And even when this is translated to human arms, the same can hold true.  In my life and experience, there have been times when I learned love in the arms of another person, and I had to be open and vulnerable in that moment to receive that love in order for it to do its work. 

Then, after all this, the question arises in the end: "what is enough to prove I am ready for love?"  In my mind, a willingness to receive love is a big step.  This will motivate you to seek in yourself for that which hinders you from genuinely giving and receiving love in the first place.  As you begin to deal with those things in yourself, you will find that love comes more easily and fully. 

Day 50 - Sense

My heart’s desire to

Completely focus on God v.

A new relationship…

My decision to forego all guys v.

Finding you about a month later…

My aspiration to give my heart

Solely to its Heavenly Protector v.

An earthly representative

Tugging at its strings…

Time has not been long,

Nor logic at its best in

The recent addition to my life…

Like Deborah Cox, I said

Nobody’s supposed to be here,

And like Mary J, I promised

Myself never to get hurt again.

I’ve been through enough “angels” to know

Love’s many faces and cruel facades,

Scarred and stepped on enough times that

My heart was left a quivering mass of

Fear and insecurity with a protective

Shell of anger that hides and blocks the tears.

But God has been luring my heart beyond its

Crumbling shell, and just as I thought that

God would continue the waltz of wooing my heart,

He lets you cut in.

Though my first instinct is questions and

Familiar defenses, instead of running,

I find India Arie’s words as she asked

Can I walk with you, cuz you make

Me feel like I could be a better woman.

Because of who I am, who God is, and

The uncanny way that God cares,

I know that, in spite of my fears, 

Your healing is in me, and

My healing is in you,

So I reach out in a way that

Still doesn’t yet make sense

Except when I’m in your arms.

In spite of my fears and past,

I expect a lot, because I can trust that

God made no mistakes when

He sheltered me with your heart.

So, this is a poem I wrote in 2008, and as I was reading it, it made me think of a few things.  I'm glad for growth and change and such.  

• The first thing I noticed was the fact that the poem begins by contrasting the relationship with God and the relationship with the man, but I've come to realize that when you walk expectantly in your relationship with God, all the things in your life mesh. There's no need for versus, because these things ought not be working against each other.  They should, in fact, work together to enhance one another.
• Love doesn't have "many faces and cruel facades."  Love itself is healing and consistent, but other things wear the mask and name tag of love, leaving a bad taste in most people's mouths for this thing called love.
•  "Your healing is in me, and my healing is in your" is still one of my fave lyrics ever.  Shouts to Mary J. Blige on that one.

Day 49 - Expectations

One of my favorite books ever in life is The Shack by William Paul Young.  That book blessed me when I read it and has changed the way I look at relationships, love, life, etc.  One of the things that stood out to me in the book was the discussion of expectations:

“Let’s use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship.  Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship.  When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking.  That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.  But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ – spoken or unspoken?  Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship.  You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations.  Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements.  It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend….  Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.”

Now, it would take days to really unpack all of what was said in the above paragraph, but I will try to explain why it's so profound to me.  Initially it took me a minute to wrap my mind around what was being said in terms of delineating expectation and expectancy, but I've come to realize that expectations are set, whereas expectancy is an active, dynamic edge of your seat experience.  Expectations say, "I expect you to give me flowers on our anniversary."  Expectancy anticipates being shown love in honor of a day that should be significant to both parties but doesn't see it as a hard and fast rule which will cause an argument.  Expectations say, "because you're my friend, I expect to talk to you this many times a week, and if I don't, you don't care about me and I'm not your friend."  Expectancy looks forward to time and communication shared whenever it happens.  

In a way, expectations seem to have a kinship with fear and insecurity, desiring to control things.  Now, I'm not saying that there aren't certain things that you want in a relationship, but what I am saying is that expectations can be dangerous things, especially when they are unchecked and not evaluated by the person holding them.  You might expect a current partner to check in with you every hour because your last partner cheated, and you subconsciously are trying to keep the new one from doing the same.  You may get sensitive when a friend goes a couple of days without calling you because you have been abandoned in previous relationships, so anything that feels like abandonment takes you back to that place.  In a mutual, respectful, truly loving relationship, there will be little need for expectations, because the people involved will work so well together and just allow their life and love to flow in such a way that "rules" aren't necessary as a boundaries for protection.  Granted, there will always be a need to communicate needs and desires, but rigid expectations...  Not so much.

Day 48 - The Way

I just love this song.  Nothing really deep or insightful to say about this one.  I mean, she woke up smiling, was cheery getting dressed and making breakfast, and was "beaming all the way down the street."  Clearly, the love that she's getting is an amazing experience.  And then in the second verse, she turns down an invite to go dancing with the girls because "tonight my man's coming through."  She says, "as much as I like to shake my thang on the dance floor," there is some more pressing business with the love of her life that calls this time.  And I love that the music video is kinda focused on art, as I am a fan of art.  :)

It's simple, it's happy, and it expresses the beauty that love gives in enhancing our lives.  There's something in the way that he loves her that makes things just a bit better in life....  That's a beautiful thing, and I pray that each of you reading this finds that kind of love from multiple sources (self, the Divine, a significant other, etc).

Day 47 - Lay it Down (Lloyd and Patti)

So, at face value, this song sounds like a good thing - a young man who is having issues in his relationship enlists the help of a mother figure to advise him.  She says that rather than emphasizing the sexual aspect of their relationship - "lay your head on my pillow," he should focus on the emotional/connectedness aspect of their relationship - "tell her 'I love you.  I need you.  Honey, I love you, I do.'"  I appreciate that, because she is advising him to treat her right, and that seems to be a major problem nowadays in any relationship - fidelity, respect, mutuality, reciprocity, real love, etc.  He appears to be listening and taking her advice to heart.  He even goes so far as to say that he'll change.

My issue comes with something she says near the end of the song.  After he says he'll change and that he'll stay out of the club because he knows that she's right, she says, "You don't have to change, stay the same.  Just switch it up a little, let her see that you try - she's gonna love you more if you do."  REALLY?!  Sigh.  So here is a black man willing to do what is right and honorable by the woman he loves, and you encourage him not to?  He wants to change, and you basically say to just switch up your approach from time to time and basically fake?  I'm sorry, but that is more than problematic to me.  

When I heard that part of the song, I thought about my current book of choice, and it made me think.  I remembered a portion of the book, and I feel like it relates in a way: "Contrary to popular myth, boys raised in single-parent female-headed households are usually taught patriarchal thinking in these homes.  Often it is their mothers who teach them that women should be subordinate to men, that by virtue of maleness they should have more power and privilege" (148).  While she is clearly not raising him, the influence appears the same.  She is essentially confirming the "masculine" stereotype that affirms doing what you want and doing just enough to make the woman in your life feel like you care.  This is unfortunate, because Patti can be a respected mother figure, and because she's basically said that it's okay to be inauthentic in relationship.  

For anyone who is contemplating change for the better in order to improve a relationship, do so.  Don't just fake it.  It will make your life better overall.  Gender roles and patriarchy are something I'll address in another blog entry, but for now, just know that everyone is equal and should be loved and treated as such.

Day 46 - Searching for Love

So, I was doing some reflecting last night after prayer time with my sisters, and I thought about the fact that I'm personally in an interesting place when it comes to the whole love thing.  Then, as I thought further, I realized that I may not be alone in some of my feelings.  As much as I have been writing this blog and spending time thinking about love and relationships, I've realized that most people are actually in a place of searching for love.  What I talk about sounds beautiful and wonderful, but the reality of life is that love is not as simple as we'd like it to be.  I mean, the reason I started writing this blog was because I saw the problems that people were having when dealing with love and I wanted to provide some wisdom and help.
To be transparent and give you some more idea where my thought process came from, I have to go back a bit.  A few weeks ago, I met a guy online, and we talked/hung out for a couple weeks.  While it was a brief time, I enjoyed it greatly.  As I talked about with love languages, he was an affectionate sort, which made for a beautiful time, because I got all the physical touch that I could ever need.  Since it had been 2 years since I'd been in an actual relationship, it was splendid to feel that kind of care again.  Now, in that 2 years, I'd had some interactions and I'd even had a great relationship with my best friend, but to have something reciprocated in such a way was life-changing, especially since I've been experiencing some major emotional healing in the last few months.
Needless to say, this has been a very interesting time for me.  And as I reflected on all of this, I realized that I am searching for love, as are most people in the world.  While I am beautifully blessed with some amazing friends and sisters, there is an element and dimension of love that they simply cannot provide.  Because of that, I find myself in a place of tenderness.  I find myself desiring and searching for love even when I'm not trying to.  And it doesn't always help that I do a daily blog about love, because it makes me think a lot about the subject and even my desire for it, especially when I see examples of love like those of my two friends (http://thelovelyyear.blogspot.com/2011/02/day-42-example-of-real-love.html).
And while part of me feels a sense of mourning, because the loneliness can be a bit much at times, I am intentional about finding and creating hope.  In my search for love, I have found more about myself than I ever anticipated.  I have learned what I want/need, like/dislike, and even how relationships affect me.  As I search for love, I have time to discover my part of the love that will one day be.  As I wait to be swept off my feet and embraced by a beautiful caring equal who can complement the whole person I'm becoming, I learn to appreciate the beauty and uniqueness that is me.  It's not easy to feel like I'm by myself at times, desiring the care and covering that I once felt, but I know that all things happen in time and as they should, and I trust God to provide things as necessary.
So, as you search for love (whether you're in a relationship or not, because some people still search for love when they are within a relationship, and that might mean that the relationship should be re-evaluated), take solace in the fact that love has many forms.  Cherish the time you have to love and pamper and take care of yourself, because with a romantic relationship, energy and time must be devoted to someone else.  Enjoy the time with friends and family, because they can be a steady safe space when romantic love isn't available.  And know that you are growing as you live each day.  I know the journey from brokenness and incomplete love to full, holistic love is a challenging one that can include pain, vulnerability, and risk, but it also brings welcome benefits and beauty.  Even in my last interaction, though it has ended, the time that we shared blessed me and created more openness for my heart and a new hope in which I can move forward and seek Love like never before.  :)

Day 45 - Through the Fire

For as long as I've known this song, I've loved it.  I mean, aside from the fact that I'm a fan of fire (no, I'm not a pyromaniac nor will I be burning anything down), there is a level of intensity in this song that reflects the way I tend to experience love and feelings (and most things in life).  I actually used the song as the title/basis for a sermon recently, and that gave me an added dimension of appreciation for the song.  And since I heard the song today, I figured I should blog about it.  

I'll start with the chorus: "through the fire, to the limit, to the wall - for a chance to be with you, I'd gladly risk it all.  Through the fire, through whatever, come what may - for a chance at loving you, I'd take it all the way, right down to the wire, even through the fire."  Love in all its glory and splendor, always comes with risks - the risk of rejection, opening up and being vulnerable, pain, heartbreak, etc.  And the artist is saying that she is willing to take that risk and go through the necessary obstacles to enjoy the love that they could share.  She is even willing to go through fire, which, as we all know, is not a pleasant experience, but the strength of love is willing to work through some things.

"I look in your eyes and I can see you've love so dangerously - you're not trusting your heart to anyone.  You tell me you're gonna play it smart.  We're through before we start.  But I believe that we've only just begun."  Love has a way of seeing things and sensing things.  The artist can see the pain of her love's past, and she understands the caution, but she sees hope in the circumstance, and the strength of love makes her willing to try.

"I know you're afraid of what you feel - you still need time to heal, and I could help if you'll only let me try. You touched me and something in me knows what I could have with you, and I'm not ready to kiss that dream good-bye."  One of the beautiful things about love is that it has patience to walk with someone in their process of healing.  Love desires the best for us, and it will happily do what is necessary to see us healed and better, helping us work through our fears to see us realize our best selves.

Day 44 - Sex

So clearly the title of this entry will most grab attention and raise some eyebrows.  I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were talking about relationships and men and such.  She was talking about her desire to have an 'interaction,' saying, "it's just dick."  I thought about it for a second, and then I flipped out.  It is sentiments like this that make things like objectification and rape possible.  If you someone as one of two body parts as opposed to a whole person with worth and feelings, then it's not a big leap to using that person for those body parts and being able to relate to someone in a purely physical way.  Despite what people say and think, it is virtually impossible to just have sex with people without some sort of emotional connection forming.  Now, people do this because they feel like it's a way of experiencing pleasure or being free sexually, but in the end, I believe there's an intentional disconnect (from abuse, misconstrued masculinity, intentional ignoring of feelings to avoid pain, etc). 
I believe people are meant to connect on deep levels, and to just connect physically is (while fun) less than fully satisfying.  I'm not saying that sex is bad, because it can clearly be a beautiful thing, but Love desires sex as a part of it, not the basis or entirety of it.  Sex and love are not interchangeable.  Be careful to keep it in its proper perspective, because otherwise, you have end up empty with orgasms.

Day 43 - For the Love of Art

As I was thinking about writing about love today, it struck me that I haven't yet written about something fairly obvious to me - my love for writing.  And not just writing but art in general.  To me, there is something beautiful about being able to share in a creative outlet and expression of otherwise hidden feelings, passions, etc.  Without a doubt, one of my favorite things to do in the world is write.  There was a time in my life that I allowed myself very little emotional expression or feeling, but my writing was always deep and poetic and able to touch people (so I've been told).  It always blew my mind that, despite my difficulty connecting with my own feelings on a conscious level, I could convey things in a way that spoke to hearts and souls.  As I have grown, I've realized that my writing is part of my healing and part of the way that I can connect with the sometimes inaccessible parts of myself.  I appreciate other types of art, and occasionally I dabble in drawing and painting, but I know that words are definitely my medium for paper.  Dance is also my chosen medium, but that can't be put onto a canvas.  :)  Yet, art, especially when it is done well or has depth and meaning to it, always draws from me a sense of awe and appreciation. 
So, for today, I charge you to be an artist for a few moments each week.  Whatever your medium, whatever your canvas, whatever your expression, go for it.  Do something where a work of the soul is created.  It doesn't have to be professional or put in someone's gallery, book, or Broadway show, but it should be a true expression of you.  And I challenge the artists out there who do art for a living to push yourself a bit further.  I know for me that I can get complacent in my art saying, I blogged today, that's enough writing/creativity....  But I'm going to push myself and create beyond what is assigned.  Embrace the creative part of you.  Despite your talent level, we all have a bit of an artist within that needs to cleanse the palette of our souls with a bit of art every now and then.

Day 42 - An Example of Real Love

[Note: while I'm excited beyond words to write today's entry, because it highlights one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever had the blessing of witnessing, it saddens me that I have to change the names of the people to protect their identities because of closed-minded people and possible consequences from the "Church."  Yes, this is about 2 ladies, but they love each other more and in a better way than most couples I have ever seen in my life, and their example is one that I could not go without sharing.  As I've been trying to say through my blog, real love knows no bounds, so here goes.] 

"I never thought I'd get married again. I thought I might be single for the rest of my life until I met Pepper."  I was sitting around with some friends, and I can't for the life of me remember what the conversation was about (it may have been about divorce and marriages that are a mess), but when Maya said that, all of us were just touched.  And it wasn't that she said what she said, because people say such things all the time to be mushy.  She said it with all the truth and genuine love in her body.  Even before this conversation, I was aware that there is a deep love when it comes to my two friends, but sharing with them in that moment, seeing the look on Maya's face, and understanding the beauty of what I was getting to witness, I couldn't help but smile.

I decided in that moment that I had to talk to them about what made their relationship (esp after only about 6 months) as beautiful and healthy as it is.  So at dinner one night, I asked them about their story, and they talked about how they'd met in their group of mutual friends.  Initially Maya was 'enjoying her singleness' and Pepper wasn't looking for a relationship because of other things in her life.  Then, because of a conversation at dinner one night, Maya began to pay attention to Pepper and even pursuing her.  Pepper initially kinda resisted, figuring she may be just another one on the list, but things began to become more real as they continued to talk, spend time together, dance, etc.  It wasn't long before there were feelings on both sides, and despite their conversations about their relationship situations of the past, it had sorta become undeniable.

One night after a long day together, Maya sends Pepper a text message saying, "If I ever was to settle down with anybody, it would be somebody like you.”  This, of course, shocked Pepper, because she hadn't really been sure of the depth of Maya's feelings until then.  Initially, her response was "thank you," but the next day, she was open with her own feelings, and things sorta went from there.  Now, in love and relationships, tests will come, as did one the next day.  After the pouring out of hearts, there was a cookout with friends where they may have been some past "situations" or something of the like present.  This made for an interesting time, but to add to, the silence on Maya's part for the next couple of days made it worse.  Pepper was understandably upset and began to wonder and feel some kind of way, but once she decided to communicate, she found the reason - Maya's father had died.  Being the person that Pepper is, she went into care mode and walked with Maya in her grief.

The rest, as they say, is history.  Since that time, these two have become as close and connected as anyone can imagine.  And it's not about the giggly, being all over each other, teenage obsession.  What they have and expressed is a level of comfort that makes their life together and relationship a safe place of love and mutual respect.  Pepper said, “I think that’s the mark of true love... is that we can go across the whole spectrum.”  They can have fun together, they can chill together, they can be serious together, they can pray and cry together, and just be themselves.  For her, it's about Maya's ability to walk with her in the journey of her call, unafraid of the spiritual things, because she has her own sense of God and spirituality as well.  And it doesn't hurt that she's intelligent and they can match each other intellectually.  For Maya, it's the fact that “We can chill with each other not doing nothing and not be bored.”  And they can talk about any and everything.  It also helps that Pepper is "cultured," and being from a different country, Maya needed someone who would be open to and understanding of her culture, not afraid to eat "ethnic" foods and things like that.

While there are sometimes conflicts - like doing a survey in Sam's Club to see who was right about the fact that "everyone knows that pineapple is the universal symbol of hospitality" or the fact that they have different love languages and learning to express love in ways that work for each other - they have decided that Love is what is most important, and they are unafraid to work through whatever comes their way.  They are two healthy people who have enough self-awareness and maturity to know what they want and need, and that is what gives true depth to this love.  Having experienced their share of relationships and life experiences, they have been blessed to come to a place individually that makes what they have collectively possible. 

Confession Time: I have seen almost no healthy relationships up close.  It's one thing to see Barack and Michelle on tv and think it'd be nice to have what they have, but at the end of the day, I don't know them and I have no idea what their actual relationship is like.  But for me to see real love (I mean the respect, the commitment, the affection, the comfort, the compatibility on all levels, the authentic expressions of self even in the face of difference, etc) with some people who I can see and talk to and kinda know on a real basis gives me hope that I may one day have a shot.  I count myself blessed to be friends with both of these ladies and to be able to see how they relate in such a way that highlights a love that I would like all people to experience.  Love like that is the reason I write this blog.  Thank you two for being yourselves and taking the chance to love - it gives hope to the rest of us.

Day 41 - Dontchange

As you may be able to tell from the title, today's entry is about a song by Musiq Soulchild called Don't Change.  I love this song.  It has a beautiful sentiment, and the video is sweet.  It shows the beauty of love that can grow and evolve over time, portraying the time and commitment and realities of love - "even when you get on my last nerve, I couldn't see myself leaving with another girl."  In our modern world, there is a lot of "love" based on outer appearance, physique, financial status, power and prominence, or even what someone else can do for you, so it is beautiful to see that there are still people (especially in the music business) who have the desire and ability to love in a way that can last beyond the orgasm and the paycheck.
My only slight concern with the song is that there seems to be a slight conflict.  "Let me assure you, darling, that my feelings are truly unconditional... I'll love you... the way I feel for you will always be the same just as long as your love don't change."  So, your love won't change as long as mine doesn't.  Your love is essentially based on mine....  For me, this presents a problem in a way, because it seems that you have given your power to the object of your love.  Now, I'm not saying to stay hooked on someone who doesn't love you and means on or abuses you and makes it clear that they have no healthy intentions for your love.  But I am saying that, while love may not change so much, the manifestations may or may not be the strongest, especially when life hits us particularly hard.  For example, if you cheat on me, I will still love you, but it may not manifest the same way, because the violation creates a tenderness which makes openness and vulnerability hard. 
All I'm saying is that love may change, move, and grow, but what I do shouldn't be based on how you feel today.  Everyone has moments, but ultimately my power in loving and relating to you should rest within me and my decisions to continue doing so.  

Day 40 - Love Languages

It's been a while since I thought about the love languages, but they crossed my mind the other day as I was thinking about my overall relational interactions, so I figured I'd write about them.  For those who don't know, Gary Chapman developed the concept that there were 5 ways in people tend to give and experience love.  They are as follows:

1. Physical Touch - this is my personal #1.  It means that when you hug, hold, caress, kiss, or otherwise touch me (in a caring way, let me be clear), then I feel the most loved.  For me, there is something about the warmth and connection of a caring touch that can touch my soul and assure me of real care.
2. Words of Affirmation - equally as important for me are words.  Because I'm a writer, words are my preferred medium, and so words are extremely important to me.  So, the words of love, care, affirmation, and affection are gifts to people who love like this.  Everyone appreciates words to a degree, but people who have this as their primary gift take words (both good and bad) to heart.  I'm not sure how many people have multiple primary languages, but I do.  If you touch me without words, eventually I will wonder about your intentions.  So for me, they work together.
3. Quality Time - for some people, just spending time together is a way of letting them know that they are dearly loved.  Togetherness and time spent mean more than anything else.
4. Gifts - for others, a gift, be it a card, a cupcake, or a car, receiving a gift makes them feel like they are undeniably loved.  What the gift is matters less than the fact that they are receiving the gift.  
5. Acts of Service - the last love language is for people who feel that they are loved when people do things for them like take out their trash, wash their car, wash the dishes, etc.  They appreciate people taking care of those things in life for them.

Now, I think it's possible to have more than one.  The ideal situation would include bits of each, but there would be an emphasis on the primary love language of each person.  The beauty of these languages is that everyone has them, and so you can seek them in your children, your co-workers, your friends, your parents, your romantic relationships, etc.  Know yours and get to know that of others - self-awareness and communication = good relationships.

Day 39 - Born This Way

Now, I must say that I have never really listened to Lady Gaga...  Her outfits and over the top style tend to be distracting to me, so I just overlooked her and wrote her off in a sense.  But I was listening to the radio one day, and they were advertising Lady Gaga's new song.  I figured that this would be a good chance for me to hear her without trying to get past her look to actually hear her, especially since one of my friends had said her music was decent. 
So I listened to the song entitled "Born This Way," and I must say, I was impressed.  The fact that she talked about God blew me away, because admittedly my own subconscious biases assumed that she may not necessarily be tapped in to the Divine.  This brings me to point one of this entry - don't judge someone based on their appearance.  Now, I know that there are clever adages like "don't judge a book by its cover" that convey this same point, so it's not a new revelation by any stretch of the imagination.  What I am saying is that we often have subconscious thoughts about people that we don't realize are even there until we see them in a different light and it hits us that we were assuming certain things about them.  You can't assume that because someone has tattoos, baggy jeans, a mini skirt, black make-up, locs, or anything else that the person is not intimately connected to the Divine.  We all are.  Now, whether we acknowledge the Divine or we call the Divine by names other than what some may deem correct is another story (and frankly irrelevant to me).  It's true that Lady Gaga's sense of style is one that I will never imitate, but that's my prerogative as it is hers to wear what she does.  The beauty of God is Her creativity and the fact that we can all be different and still be beautiful.
And that is a wonderful segue into the song itself.  I'll post the lyrics then discuss them:

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'Cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"
She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
(Born this way)

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice the truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (hey, hey, hey)
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah

Don't be drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight or bi
lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, yeah!

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born this way
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

I was born this way, hey!
I was born this wayy, hey!
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, hey!

So, I will start by saying that I love the positive energy of this song, especially as it encourages self-acceptance, and you know how I feel about some self-acceptance.  So much of life makes you feel like you are inadequate, ineffective, and insufficient, but that is not a reality.  In truth, you are more than great, but I digress.  "We are all born superstars. There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are. Cause He made you perfect, babe. So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far."  This is very true.  If, as the Christian thought says, we are born in the image of God, then we are born beautiful and complete.  The problem comes when "life's disabilities left you outcast, bullied or teased."  Circumstances in life cause the beauty of the creation to become marred, insecure, angry, withdrawn, inauthentic, and many other things that keep us from being who we were originally created and shaped to be.
In Jeremiah 1, God tells Jeremiah that before he was created, he had been created and called to be a prophet.  Even though this was God telling him his purpose in life, life and society had influenced him to believe that what God was telling him was not possible, especially at his age.  We need to know that despite what life may have tried to tell us, there are certain beautiful things inherent within us that make us who we are.  That's why it's important to not only get to know who we are but to embrace and enjoy who we are.  As she said, God makes no mistakes, so the greatness that God created is not gone despite what has happened in life or where you may find yourself. 
Now, I'm not saying that everything that we are and do is from God, because some things are a result of what life has done and shaped in us, but I am saying that at your core, you are still that beautiful entity that God created.  For example, I was created having a way with words.  For a while, I used those words in hurtful ways because sarcasm was my second language, and I was cruel with my humor as a defense mechanism.  Now, however, since I realized it, I have since tried to watch my words, and I put them to more positive use in my writing.  The core never disappeared, but the shaping around it had to in order to make positive use of my core person.
So I applaud Lady Gaga on a beautiful, positive song that can bring affirmation to the many hurting people who feel insecure and less than (whether or not they will ever admit it).  Despite what society says and influences, be it gender roles and stereotypes, racial stipulations, economic situations, or anything like that, who you are is beautiful.  Rediscover that person, get beyond the bondage and lies of outside influences, and know that you're beautiful just the way you are.

Day 38 - Valentine's Day

Well, it seems that today's entry would be easy to do - simply write about the holiday that is dedicated to love.  I, of course, am a bit more complex and creative than that, so it'd be too easy to do that.  But, I figure, why not.  Valentine's Day, with its uncertain roots according to Wikipedia, is a day taken out to express love and share (romantic) sentiments.  As I was in the store today picking out a card (yes, I gave into the madness a little bit), the guy next to me picked up the cards, thumbed through them casually, and moved on, taking one with him without much change to his facial expression.  Now, I can't judge what was in his heart, but it seems like gifts and expressions of care are mandatory and obligatory today, but on other days, it's optional.
Also, I'm not a fan of commercialization in general, which is why Christmas has lost much of its meaning, but we'll save that till December 25.  Are 25% of the cards bought annually really bought for this one day?  Is this the only day we really feel led to express genuine care to those nearest to us?  Do we do so because the calendar tells us so?  And are flowers, cards, candy, and jewelry the only ways to express love?
I'm not bashing V Day.  I just people to be conscious of love as a daily necessity, not a holiday mandated duty.  :)  So, enjoy this day of love, but remember that there's just as much love and reason to love tomorrow and the next day.

Day 37 - The Love Chapter

So, being a part of the Black Baptist Church, Valentine’s Day is often given the theme scripture of 1 Corinthians 13, also known as the Love Chapter.  I decided to take today and look at verses 4-7 a bit closer, as that is the portion typically read at weddings or seen in inspirational literature.

Love is patient – yes.  Love sees enough to know that there’s no need to rush and that things will happen as they should.  Love understands how to wait.

Love is kind – indeed.  Love shows great kindness and care, even in the midst of adversity.

Love does not envy or boast – right, there’s no need.  Love doesn’t have to be jealous, because it has what it needs to be sufficient.  There’s no need to boast, because it is secure in itself.  Love is obvious that it can be seen – it doesn’t need to be announced.

It does not insist on its own way – love will most likely not argue with you, nor will it be coercive or forceful.  But don’t be confused – love isn’t a doormat either.

It is not irritable or resentful – very true.  Real love gives and helps without that tinge of resentment that is present when people don’t really want to give or give because they feel like they have to.  Love knows enough to give when it wants and be honest when it doesn’t so that resentment isn’t present.

It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but it rejoices with truth – truth and honesty and strong pillars in the foundation of love.  Love wants truth and clarity, and isn’t happy when there is manipulation or evil of any sort.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things – this is the part where things get tricky.  Love is not a punk, but Love is strong in that love can stand true and deal with much that we might not otherwise desire to tolerate.  Now, I believe that Love endures much, but love also knows its capacity and its healthy limits.  Real love for someone else starts with real love for self, and there is a point at which you can say, “I love you, but I love myself enough to say that I will not tolerate XYZ.  And if you love me, you will respect that.  If not, my love for you will remain, but our relationship context will have to change.”

Day 36 - Never Fall in Love

Now, I know the title of today’s entry might seem a bit strange to you, but bear with me, and I will make it all clear.  As I was writing the entry for “Fall for Your Type,” I thought about the music video in which Jaime Foxx is seen falling through some glass.  He was singing, “tell me why I always fall for your type,” and it made me think about the danger of falling in love with anyone.  When you fall, you have little if any control over how and where you will land.  The moments between beginning to fall and the landing might feel free, like a rush as the air blows against you and gravity calls you to the ground, but the moment you land, the ecstasy is gone, and all that’s left is the pain and the memory of what was.

I don’t think real love looks anything like that.  Real love is as conscious as it is freeing, and though people tend to dislike the idea of love (typically associated with just the heart) being dealt with in the mind (typically reserved for things like reason, rationale, and anything not related to emotions), I believe that real love involves the entire being.  It is not something that you stumble blindly or get pushed into, but it is a blossoming of a relationship in which two individuals find connections on multiple levels and allow themselves to grow and develop in shared space with someone else.  When this is the case, people grow in love, aware of what’s going on, and able to decide in healthy ways how things should proceed.

Please understand, I’m not saying that love is a purely mental exercise, and that you can plan out emotions and connection and the like to a T.  Trying to think through and control love like this will kill any actual love that is there.  What I am saying is that love isn’t like in the fairy tales or as it is typically conveyed in the media.  It’s not the teenage giggles and doodling your initials in your notebook.  While all this can be part of it, mature love always goes beyond the initial flutters of love and finds its base in something real and substantial. 

So, grow in love.  Take the time to walk with the loved ones in your life and grow in appreciation for who they really are – this is essentially the definition of love.

Day 35 - Where You At

I'm a fan of Jennifer Hudson, and her music typically makes me smile, but when I heard this particular song, I was less than pleased.  Yesterday's song had a similar vibe, and so I wanted to make sure that both guys and girls had songs sung in their own voices.  Now, I can understand the fact that when you meet someone and you begin a relationship that there are hopes, desires, and expectations.  You never expect when you first meet someone that they will be abusive, manipulative, distant, or anything like that.  You hope that they will be loving, faithful, and good in relationship with you.  And part of the beauty of getting to know someone is to be able to find out such things.  When you find out certain things, it gives you an indication as to whether or not this person would be a good fit in your life (and this applies to any relationship).
I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."  My issue with the song is not the desire for a faithful, caring, present person to be in relationship with - that's as natural as breathing, and we all want that.  My issue is that she is clear on who the object of her affection is and desires him to change in order to remain in relationship with her.  She says, "Now you said you'd go to church, stop slanging, find a real job, and go to work. And you say you'd stay out of the streets and spend more time with me." If those are his goals, then that is good, and he should be true to what he's said.  But if that's something that she wants him to do that he promised as a means of getting/staying with her, then that is problematic.
So I can speak to both parties in the situation.  For her, it's clear that your friend is not going to change anytime soon.  You have to decide whether or not you are willing to live with that person as they are for the rest of your life.  If yes, then make the necessary adjustments to your expectations.  If no, then you need to love yourself enough to move on.  I personally take words and promises very seriously, so I would have a hard time dealing with someone who lies as much as this song portrays.  Know that you deserve the best and that you don't have to settle for being treated any old way, especially if you are giving your all in a relationship.  And once again, don't ever get into a relationship with the goal of changing them.
To the person who has yet to keep the promises, I have some advice.  If you made the promises as a means of manipulating the relationship, shame on you.  Have the courage to be yourself and live with the consequences thereof.  If you don't want to go to church, then don't promise that you will.  Understand that this may cause the end of the relationship, but it's better to be authentic and single than to be a liar in a relationship, especially when you are just causing pain for the person you are lying to.  And if you actually have the desire to change, then do so.  Even if it's making small steps, do that and give your partner something to believe in as they make the journey with you.  A good partner will help and encourage you in your change, but don't just say you wanna change and never do anything about it. 
If you constantly have to ask where your loved one is or if your loved one is constantly asking you, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship...