Day 217 - How to Love

While I tend to be on the fence about some of Lil Wayne’s content (even though I love his lyrical creativity), this song was quite mind-blowing to me. It is not only positive and affirming, but it isn’t all about drugs and money and sex, so I appreciated that. Though it is interesting to hear Lil Wayne “sing,” I appreciate the mellow vibe of the song. Makes you really lay back and listen, taking in the words I’ve been meaning to do this song since I first heard it a while back, but I’m finally sitting down and getting to it. Enjoy.

“You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart. Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out how to love, how to love. You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever, now you in the corner tryna put together how to love, how to love. For a second you were here. Why you over there? It’s hard not to stare. The way you moving your body like you never had a love, never had a love.” The chorus is a good start for the song. He starts off by saying that the person he’s addressing has had some tough times with love and relationship. The person’s heart has been the target of “crooks,” who are presumably people who didn’t have good intentions for it or the person attached to it. And because of these experiences of mistreatment, misfortune, and possibility turned to disappointment, the concept of real love has never been grasped. This seems to lead to introspection, because the desire for love has not disappeared despite the negative experiences. It seems to me that the person he’s talking to may be a stripper (or at the very least, a girl dancing at a club). He seems to be saying that she moves as if sex is the only thing that matters, and there is no emotional involvement in what she is doing, especially since her previous experience may have influenced her to hide her emotions. Even when her body is one place, her mind can be far away, thinking about what she wants/needs but cannot seem to find. “When you was just a youngen, your looks were so precious. But now you’re grown up – so fly, it’s like a blessing, but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds without you being insecure. You never credit yourself, so when you got older, it seems like you came back 10 times over. Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder.” When the young lady in question was younger, she was cute, and she’s grown into a beautiful young lady. This may have attracted the attention of the crooks (men who pursued her exterior for their pleasure without concern for her heart), and it has affected her as she was looking for love and received hurt instead. With this kind of pattern (and the lack of true affirmation within herself), she may have come to believe that she’s not worth much beyond her looks, since that’s what her experiences and relationships have shown her. She’s become self-conscious when men look at her, assuming that they are only looking at her body to take from her. Having dealt with this for years, she has become a lady who wants love but who constantly feels the need to protect herself – hence the looking over her shoulder. But the contrast that I always find amazing is that while she’s trying to protect herself (see http://thelovelyyear.blogspot.com/2011/08/day-211-brick-walls.html to understand how the protection can manifest, because though the woman in the song appears shy, there are other ways of protecting self), she is still reaching out for love. For me, this speaks to the depth of need for love that the human heart possesses despite the scars and hurts that we encounter along the way. I’ve discovered that even those who verbally resist love have a desire deep down to have love – they just want love that is true. Admittedly, I have been one such person, but I have come to understand that love does exist and that it is all around – I just can’t be scared to receive it when it does come. Am I weary of crooks? Yes, but I thank God for discernment and the internal strength God has given me to be selective with those who I allow into my internal space.
“You had a lot of dreams that transformed to visions. The fact you saw the world affected all your decisions, but it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions to be the one here talking or me, be the one listening. But I admire popping bottles and dipping just as much as you admire bartending and stripping. Baby, so don’t be mad, nobody else tripping. You seen a lot of crooks and the crooks still crooked.” Sometimes life happens to us in ways that alter our perception and actions, causing us to end up in places that we didn’t envision for ourselves. Despite this fact, life can still turn out alright or even turn around, making some great lemonade out of sour lemons. The important thing is finding the revelation of self-love, even if you happen to be a stripper or a famous rapper. This also shows that we can learn life lessons in the most unexpected places, so we always have to be open for what life will bring us. “Oooh, see I just want you to know that you deserve the best. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual, far from the usual.” This may be my favorite part of the song. Lil Wayne, who previously put out a song called “Every Girl,” which essentially made women into sexual objects to be added to his list of things to do, is taking time to tell a woman who has dealt with issues of insecurity and heartbreak that she is beautiful and unique and that she deserves real love and care.
I want to take it a step further and say that everyone, man or woman is beautiful and unique in his/her own way and is fully deserving of real love. I challenge you to look at yourself and where you stand in regards to love. Do you see it as an unattainable entity that experience has told you that you don’t deserve? If so, realize that there have probably been some crooks in your life that didn’t deserve the beauty that was you and who hurt you. Don’t allow them to continue to be a reflection of how you see yourself. Just because they didn’t recognize your beauty doesn’t mean it isn’t there – they just may be blind. You may have never figured out how to love, but today is a good day to start. And let your heart do most of the teaching.

Day 216 - Beautiful Surprise

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it.  It is an absolutely beautiful song, and there are no words that can describe the feeling of being in such a place, but I appreciate that India.Arie took some time to create such a song...
"It's like yesterday I didn't even know your name.  Now today, you're always on my mind.  I never could have predicted that I feel this way.  You are beautiful surprise." For the singer of the song, she has recently met someone who has caught her off guard.  In the short time that she's known this new person, she has found herself captivated, and now this person has become an important part of her life.  At first glance, there was no way of knowing the beauty that was to come from the initial interaction, but surprisingly, this new person has made a deep impact in a short amount of time.
"Intoxicated every time I hear your voice - you've got me on a natural high.  It's almost like I didn't even have a choice... You are a beautiful surprise."  In this verse, she expresses the effect that this new person has on her.  Similar to the effects of a drug, she feels intoxicated with the voice and thought of the person - intoxication being an "overpowering exhilaration or excitement of the mind or emotions."  She seems unable to escape the powerful feelings that come as a result of interacting, feeling like she was without a choice.  It's almost as if greater forces were at work to create the space and the connection that she experiences, and this is another surprising and beautiful result of this new friend.
"Whatever it is you came to teach me, I am here to learn it cuz I believe that we are written in the stars.  I don't know what the future holds, but I'm living in the moment, and I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are."  I think that this is my favorite part of the song. Each person we encounter is in our lives to teach us something, and I appreciate that she is open enough to not only understand that this man is here to teach her something, but she is willing to allow the relationship to be what it is without trying to control it.  She is aware enough to gain what he is there to teach without trying to make him a permanent part of her life if it is not meant to be such.  We often mess up trying to plan for the future and walk down the aisle with someone who is supposed to love us and help us heal for a season.  While thinking about the future is important, I think that we would do better (at times) to simply enjoy and receive, appreciating the beauty of what is currently going on.  This isn't to say that we completely ignore all consequences, but at times, we should simply embrace what is without thinking too hard about whatever else.  Because of who he is (not necessarily what he does or gives her), he is exactly what she needs.  It brings to mind the thought - "he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me."
"You are everything I ask for in my prayers, so I know my angels brought you to my life.  Your energy is healing to my soul.  You are a beautiful surprise."  Even though this person was a beautiful surprise, she has come to recognize that he embodies what she has prayed for.  It's only Divine orchestration that could have provided someone so perfect at such a time.  He has the correct vibe and aura that matches the need in her life at this moment, and she understands that this is a relationship is not by accident.
"You are an inspiration to my life... You are the reason why I smile... You are a beautiful surprise."  This man inspires her.  This man makes her smile.  This is a surprising blessing that has entered her life and left his mark. 

Day 215 - The Infamous Checklist

I was talking to a friend who recently got into a relationship, and she said something over and over that struck me – “he’s just not what I expected.” Now, I feel like I should clarify before you get concerned (because admittedly I was too – I thought my friend might be settling or disappointed). She was telling me that she had a list of things she wanted in a perfect mate and how seemed to be the opposite of most of the times that she had imagined. You know the list I’m talking about – it’s the one that we all have and tend to pull out when we meet someone who has potential, comparing their traits with the checklist. Well, at first I thought her statement was odd, but as we talked further, I began to see. Her list wasn’t full of superficial items like has to be 6’2 and make at least $100K a year, but the things that her list entailed have been… reimagined in her new friend.
For instance, she wanted an intelligent man, but she had always imagined this intelligence to be in the form of higher degrees of education. Instead, he brings intelligence in street smarts and in being well-read despite not having more than an Associate’s degree. She wanted a strong man, but she had always imagined this strength as muscles on his arms. Instead, he brings strength in his emotional support and presence in her life, which helps her feel more secure than any bodyguard.
So am I saying to throw away your list? No. Does this mean that you should compromise those things that are important to you? Not necessarily. What I am saying is that your mind has to be open to what life has to offer in a way that you may not expect You may have preferences or things that you think you need, but the One who created is a far better judge of what you need and loves you enough to send it to you. You just have to be open enough to receive the gold if it comes wrapped in aluminum foil.

Day 214 - Mirrors Part 2

In the last entry, I thought about how relationships reflect who we are and how see ourselves.  But in that entry, I focused on relationships that we have had for a while and those that we are most likely comfortable in.  Well, my brain kept going after I finished writing, so a second entry was necessary. 

It is true that our established relationships reflect how we see ourselves, but about the newer ones?  Do they reflect how we see ourselves, or is there something about new acquaintances that gives us a chance to see ourselves a different way and become a different person?  I ended the last entry by saying that the best relationships will help us grow and change, and I believe this.  But I think that, there are times in our relationships that we settle a bit.  People accept quirks and issues as just part of a person’s DNA and personality, so there’s no real push to change. 

The beauty of a new relationship, at least for an introspective person like me, is that it makes me assess where I am and how I relate to the new person.  While my established friends may know that I think all the time and have come to accept that, someone new who comes into my life may be taken aback by the fact that I “analyze everything” and “think too much.”  Now, at this point of assessment, I have two choices – ignore the person’s comment, saying that this trait is just me, or evaluate their perspective (esp. in light of what I perceive about that person) and see if there is truth to their statement.  

I’m fully aware of the fact that I am a very internal person, and much of my life and reality takes place in the intellectual and cognitive portions of myself.  I’ve known this for about as long as I’ve been aware of such places in myself, but the beauty of being older and having experience and enlightenment is that I can better understand why I think as I do.  While I will always be an intellectual person (I’ve come to accept that as part of my core make-up), I have learned that part of my analytical tendencies is a coping mechanism.  As a young person, I learned to use my brain instead of my heart, because my heart had too often been hurt and discredited.  I learned to pick apart a situation, a word, an event, a gesture, etc, hoping to figure out a person’s feelings and intentions so that I could respond accordingly and avoid pain/rejection when possible.  This tendency continued into my young adulthood, and I am now learning to analyze less, letting myself out of the prison of fearful observation and anticipation. 

So, in interacting with new people, I have been able to see the underlying current of what I thought was a natural tendency of mine.  Am I naturally somewhat reserved and observant?  To some degree, yes.  But I have begun to see that not all of that is my authentic self as it is self-preservation.  Interacting with new people also gives me a chance to push myself to act within the framework of what I’ve learned.  I can begin a new relationship on the right foot without having the baggage of prior patterns. 

So, if established relationships are mirrors of how you see yourself, new relationships can be a mirror of how the broader world sees you.  This can be a good thing, because it can allow you to see things that comfortable relationships may overlook, because they are used to you.  It can also confirm things that you already know, reaffirming your sense of self.  So, I encourage broadening your social circle every so often.  This can be especially helpful when you encounter people who are different than your other friends.  They can bring a perspective that similar-minded people don’t have and teach you something new about yourself. 

Day 213 - Mirrors Part 1

There are some observations that I made the other day in thinking about relationships and I want to take a second to examine them.

It’s been said that you should watch the company you keep and that those who you surround yourself with speak to who you are.  While I’ve always heard such things, I’m not sure I always believed it.  But if you think about it, it’s true.  People tend to flock to others based on the similarities between them, because there is common ground upon which they can share.  As humans, we have a tendency to categorize people and interact with people based on the category in which we put them.  We know that conflict is inevitable in human relationships, so in order to minimize it, we tend to start with people who appear to offer the least amount of conflict.  Even in places where the people all appear to be fairly similar, there can be further divisions.  For instance, even at the black seminary that I attended where we were pretty much all black and Christian and preachers (to one degree or another), we divided along lines of age, theology (conservative or liberal), gender, work ethic, etc. 

I’m not saying that this is a bad thing.  It is where things like prejudice and stereotypes can come from, but that’s only if we never take time to examine our categories.  But it can be a helpful tool as well, because it can show us how we see ourselves based on the people who are closest to us.  Based on those closest to me, if they are a true reflection of how I see myself, I am a strong, intelligent, loving, black, Christian woman with a great inclination toward the spiritual and a serious love for fun.  While there are variations among us that make some of those categories mean different things, I’d say that my friends accurately reflect how I see myself, and I’m happy with that picture.  When was the last time you examined those closest to you and assessed whether they reflect who you are or who you’d like to be?  The beauty of my closest friends is that they don’t just reflect where I am.  Because I have a tendency to be close to older people, they can reflect where I’d like to be as well.  I told one of my friends that she is what I want to be when I grow up, because she embodies the things I’d like to be and do.  With her being in my life, I can have a clear picture of where I’d like to be so I know that it’s possible and someone to help me get there.

And of course, the best relationships will always help us to grow and change.  Even the bad ones can do that (we just have to watch how we change as a result), but it’s important to understand that we most likely allow most people to be in our inner circle because we see a bit of ourselves in them, and we feel comfortable relating with someone who resonates with us in some way.

Day 212 - On Guard

Proverbs 4:23 - "Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." (MSG)

So, I rarely blog about scriptures, but I think this one is appropriate.  It touches on the entry from yesterday about brick walls and such.  I like this particular translation, because it says to keep vigilant watch over your heart, because the heart is where life comes from.  This makes perfect sense to me - you don't want to walk around with your heart in your hand (or on your sleeve as the saying goes), because the heart is a sensitive thing, and it can very easily be damaged.  That is why so many people are walking around hurt and bleeding, because proper care was not taken.  And even when it was, defenses can be surpassed and emotional trauma can occur in the best of situations. 

The issue is when this vigilant watch goes overboard.  Some translations say to "guard your heart."  When I picture a guarded heart, I think about walls and an armed guard outside the gate.  This is probably not a healthy portrayal, but I think it's accurate given the way some people act and live their (emotional) lives.  And this is where the brick walls and such come into play.  

As with everything in life, I believe balance is key.  There's no need to be all Fort Knox about your heart, but you shouldn't be walking around with it in the palm of your hand as you go down the street.  Keeping vigilant watch sounds appropriate, because it means you are intentional and mindful of what is going on, enough to have some control over what goes on, but at the same time, there is still a freedom for the heart to explore and feel and such.  

And it is more than true that life comes from the heart.  I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and she was telling me about a friend who was having some relationship issues.  Because of this, it was affecting EVERYTHING else in her life.  When your heart is hurting, the rest of you will likely find it very difficult to function in any sort of decent way.  A broken heart can make the rest of life feel that it's not worth living, so it's important to pay attention to what's going on with your emotional space.  Now, sometimes things happen outside of our control, because the heart is an extremely sensitive instrument that can move faster than we intend, but being watchful of both your heart and the things going on around you that could affect your heart will help to keep some things in better shape.  And vigilance can also be helpful when hurt does happen, because you can know right away and address things as opposed to waiting for years and doing much more damage in the process.

Day 211 - Brick Walls

I was having a conversation recently with a friend of mine, and as I looked at her, even as we were laughing and joking, I got the sense as if I was looking at a brick wall.  Now, my initial reaction was one of confusion, considering she’s a human being, but as I thought a little deeper about it, I realized that she (and a few other people I know) have brick wall tendencies.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been knocking down some of my own brick walls and removing my own shell that I’m better able to see them in other folks.  Or maybe it’s my sensitivity to such things (brick walls, emotional space, barriers, etc) and my discernment.  Either way, I’ve encountered at least 4 in the past couple weeks, and it’s time that I address them.

The major reason that I see that people have brick walls in place is because of prior hurt.  Now, this is quite understandable.  It’s a natural defense mechanism to try to preserve self, particularly after an injury of the heart.  This is typically done by hiding the heart and the self in order to keep it from being hurt… and this can be good for a brief period after the hurt, in which time you allow some healing to take place.  It becomes a problem when this becomes a way of living life and permanently operating.  This can be especially true when you have a lot going on or you are tired, and it’s easier to sit behind a wall than to really engage the world around you.

These brick walls can come in many forms – see if you can recognize yours or that of someone you know:

·        Sarcasm (one of my personal favorites) – while it can be a way of being humorous, sarcasm also has a tendency to be a coping mechanism as well.  It can be a passive-aggressive way of sharing serious things in a humor-infused way so as to take the pressure off of a situation.  This way, I don’t have to be confrontational about my feelings, but I can still express them in a way that may cause you to feel some of the sting that I feel.  The humor also keeps a safe distance between me and whatever feelings I express just in case you don’t actually take my comment seriously.

·        Coolness (also seen as apathy or indifference) – this is where there is a mask in place (that may even be smiling), but it is clear that the person isn’t fully connected to what’s being shared.  They hear and respond, but only on a surface level.  You may even get the sense that the person is there but not fully, and you’d be right.  They are there enough to interact, but they are keeping enough of themselves back to feel safe.

·        Shyness – this one can be confused with people who are genuinely quiet, but it has a painful dimension of fear that makes socializing something of a nightmare.  A shy person will oftentimes refuse to talk, because talking equates to opening up and being vulnerable, and this is an unimaginable feat.  Even answering a question in class can be a life-altering moment, and if the answer is wrong or rejected in any way, it can be a personal blow that causes the shy person to further shut down.  While this barrier doesn’t typically look like a brick wall, it’s just as impenetrable. 

·        Mystery – this is one that I hadn’t thought about until recently, but it is one that I know I’ve used myself.  Because I am a word person, I know how to say (or not say) things in ways that work to my advantage.  I have a friend who says that you have to ask the right question to get the right answer, and such allusiveness is part of mystery.  It’s a way of hiding.  This can also include half truths and other means of indirect deception. 

·        Strength – this one is tricky, because it typically comes out of genuine strength.  I know a lot of people (myself included) who have been through some tough, tragic things, and these events have made them have to become strong people in order to survive.  This is not a bad thing, because without finding that inner strength that we all possess, we would crumble under the pressures of life.  However, such strength can cause emotional issues when that strength becomes our cover and protection from any real emotional involvement/investment.  For a long time, I defined strength as society tends to – rational, reasonable, and emotionless.  Showing emotion and “weakness” were sure ways of getting myself hurt again, so I had to be “strong.”  Little did I know, this was creating a severe barrier between myself and the rest of the world, disabling my ability to connect with others in a meaningful way.  The façade of strength is one that looks tough and macho (and can even seem impressive in its fortitude), but it tends to have an edge to it that looks like bravado and is made of fear.  True strength doesn’t need an ice shield or a bull horn – it just exists.   It also knows how to be flexible (which is a true test of strength), allowing for openness and change when necessary.

As a person who has used all of these brick walls (and probably a few others), I’m quite aware how they work (and from the other side, how they appear and feel to the people receiving them).  I can tell you that it’s about as painful to be behind the wall as it is to stand in front of it.  Having seen as many as I have recently (but also being able to sense the hearts behind them), I have been moved to encourage you to examine your own barriers.  I’m not saying to run naively into the world, sharing all of yourself with everyone.  There are some very hurt and malicious people who will hurt you.  And there are some serious dangers to sharing certain parts of yourself in certain contexts. 

But what I am saying is that you cannot live your entire life with barriers and walls in place and expect to be happy or fulfilled.  Not only do the ways keep others out, but they have a way of keeping you isolated.  And that keeps you away from your true self, because (as much as who you are exists within you) the self is formed in community.  I understand being hurt, I understand wanting to hide, I understand wanting to protect yourself, whether it’s in friendships, romantic relationships, or life in general.  But walls are not your friend.  A picket fence possibly, because it still allows things in and out while maintaining some sense of safety, but a brick wall serves no one. 

I challenge you to take a look at your bricks.  Who or what is written on them?  How long have the bricks been there?  What’s holding them together?  Are those things still a part of your life?  Is there a need to reinterpret those events through the lens of what you have learned since they happened?  For example, I know that a lot of the stuff that happened to me as a child became the bricks of my walls, but as I’ve gotten older and I have a greater understanding of things, I can see that what my 10 year old brain saw as rejection, my 26 year old brain can see as jealousy or the insecurities of other projected on to me.  When I see things that way, I can understand that I don’t have to continue to carry that feeling of being ugly or unacceptable, because I’m not. 

Here are a few truths to get you started:

·        I do not have to save the world.  In fact, I can’t save the world.  But I can take care of myself.

·        I’m not ugly.  Period.  It doesn’t matter who disagrees, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in my eyes (and the eyes of my Creator who made me as I am), I’m beautiful.

·        The only person I can really make happy and please is me.  While I care about other people’s feelings, their feelings cannot rule my life.

·        I’m not in control.  Sure, there are some things I can control, but overall, life is like the ocean.  Most of the time, I just have to let the current take me where it may, and I can do my best to stir my boat. 

·        Not everyone in life (every man, every woman, every Christian, every white person, every black person, every person of X group) is out to get me or going to hurt me.  No, not everyone is nice or as loving as they should be, but I don’t have to be afraid of everyone either.

·        Not everyone can handle my stuff, but they’re not meant to.  At the same time, there are people who can handle it, and who are willing to – I just have to let them. 

·        Relationships take work, but just because there is a tough time in a relationship doesn’t mean that it has to end – it means that it’s time for the participants in the relationship to grow.