I was having a conversation recently with a friend of mine, and as I looked at her, even as we were laughing and joking, I got the sense as if I was looking at a brick wall. Now, my initial reaction was one of confusion, considering she’s a human being, but as I thought a little deeper about it, I realized that she (and a few other people I know) have brick wall tendencies. Maybe it’s because I’ve been knocking down some of my own brick walls and removing my own shell that I’m better able to see them in other folks. Or maybe it’s my sensitivity to such things (brick walls, emotional space, barriers, etc) and my discernment. Either way, I’ve encountered at least 4 in the past couple weeks, and it’s time that I address them.
The major reason that I see that people have brick walls in place is because of prior hurt. Now, this is quite understandable. It’s a natural defense mechanism to try to preserve self, particularly after an injury of the heart. This is typically done by hiding the heart and the self in order to keep it from being hurt… and this can be good for a brief period after the hurt, in which time you allow some healing to take place. It becomes a problem when this becomes a way of living life and permanently operating. This can be especially true when you have a lot going on or you are tired, and it’s easier to sit behind a wall than to really engage the world around you.
These brick walls can come in many forms – see if you can recognize yours or that of someone you know:
· Sarcasm (one of my personal favorites) – while it can be a way of being humorous, sarcasm also has a tendency to be a coping mechanism as well. It can be a passive-aggressive way of sharing serious things in a humor-infused way so as to take the pressure off of a situation. This way, I don’t have to be confrontational about my feelings, but I can still express them in a way that may cause you to feel some of the sting that I feel. The humor also keeps a safe distance between me and whatever feelings I express just in case you don’t actually take my comment seriously.
· Coolness (also seen as apathy or indifference) – this is where there is a mask in place (that may even be smiling), but it is clear that the person isn’t fully connected to what’s being shared. They hear and respond, but only on a surface level. You may even get the sense that the person is there but not fully, and you’d be right. They are there enough to interact, but they are keeping enough of themselves back to feel safe.
· Shyness – this one can be confused with people who are genuinely quiet, but it has a painful dimension of fear that makes socializing something of a nightmare. A shy person will oftentimes refuse to talk, because talking equates to opening up and being vulnerable, and this is an unimaginable feat. Even answering a question in class can be a life-altering moment, and if the answer is wrong or rejected in any way, it can be a personal blow that causes the shy person to further shut down. While this barrier doesn’t typically look like a brick wall, it’s just as impenetrable.
· Mystery – this is one that I hadn’t thought about until recently, but it is one that I know I’ve used myself. Because I am a word person, I know how to say (or not say) things in ways that work to my advantage. I have a friend who says that you have to ask the right question to get the right answer, and such allusiveness is part of mystery. It’s a way of hiding. This can also include half truths and other means of indirect deception.
· Strength – this one is tricky, because it typically comes out of genuine strength. I know a lot of people (myself included) who have been through some tough, tragic things, and these events have made them have to become strong people in order to survive. This is not a bad thing, because without finding that inner strength that we all possess, we would crumble under the pressures of life. However, such strength can cause emotional issues when that strength becomes our cover and protection from any real emotional involvement/investment. For a long time, I defined strength as society tends to – rational, reasonable, and emotionless. Showing emotion and “weakness” were sure ways of getting myself hurt again, so I had to be “strong.” Little did I know, this was creating a severe barrier between myself and the rest of the world, disabling my ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. The façade of strength is one that looks tough and macho (and can even seem impressive in its fortitude), but it tends to have an edge to it that looks like bravado and is made of fear. True strength doesn’t need an ice shield or a bull horn – it just exists. It also knows how to be flexible (which is a true test of strength), allowing for openness and change when necessary.
As a person who has used all of these brick walls (and probably a few others), I’m quite aware how they work (and from the other side, how they appear and feel to the people receiving them). I can tell you that it’s about as painful to be behind the wall as it is to stand in front of it. Having seen as many as I have recently (but also being able to sense the hearts behind them), I have been moved to encourage you to examine your own barriers. I’m not saying to run naively into the world, sharing all of yourself with everyone. There are some very hurt and malicious people who will hurt you. And there are some serious dangers to sharing certain parts of yourself in certain contexts.
But what I am saying is that you cannot live your entire life with barriers and walls in place and expect to be happy or fulfilled. Not only do the ways keep others out, but they have a way of keeping you isolated. And that keeps you away from your true self, because (as much as who you are exists within you) the self is formed in community. I understand being hurt, I understand wanting to hide, I understand wanting to protect yourself, whether it’s in friendships, romantic relationships, or life in general. But walls are not your friend. A picket fence possibly, because it still allows things in and out while maintaining some sense of safety, but a brick wall serves no one.
I challenge you to take a look at your bricks. Who or what is written on them? How long have the bricks been there? What’s holding them together? Are those things still a part of your life? Is there a need to reinterpret those events through the lens of what you have learned since they happened? For example, I know that a lot of the stuff that happened to me as a child became the bricks of my walls, but as I’ve gotten older and I have a greater understanding of things, I can see that what my 10 year old brain saw as rejection, my 26 year old brain can see as jealousy or the insecurities of other projected on to me. When I see things that way, I can understand that I don’t have to continue to carry that feeling of being ugly or unacceptable, because I’m not.
Here are a few truths to get you started:
· I do not have to save the world. In fact, I can’t save the world. But I can take care of myself.
· I’m not ugly. Period. It doesn’t matter who disagrees, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in my eyes (and the eyes of my Creator who made me as I am), I’m beautiful.
· The only person I can really make happy and please is me. While I care about other people’s feelings, their feelings cannot rule my life.
· I’m not in control. Sure, there are some things I can control, but overall, life is like the ocean. Most of the time, I just have to let the current take me where it may, and I can do my best to stir my boat.
· Not everyone in life (every man, every woman, every Christian, every white person, every black person, every person of X group) is out to get me or going to hurt me. No, not everyone is nice or as loving as they should be, but I don’t have to be afraid of everyone either.
· Not everyone can handle my stuff, but they’re not meant to. At the same time, there are people who can handle it, and who are willing to – I just have to let them.
· Relationships take work, but just because there is a tough time in a relationship doesn’t mean that it has to end – it means that it’s time for the participants in the relationship to grow.
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