Day 338 - Healing from the Side Effects

(If you haven't already, read the previous entry before reading this one.) So, my last entry talked about the side effects that we can experience as a result of this thing called love. Unfortunately the investment of love can bring about some painful returns. Even in the best of relationships with the best of intentions and the biggest of hearts, pain is inevitable. No matter how much love we have for someone or how much they love us, because of our imperfections, at some point, we will hurt them and they will hurt us. The key in relationships (especially the ones we can choose) is to find someone with whom you find love and life that makes the inevitable mess of relationship worthwhile. But when you’ve encountered and been bruised by the mess of relationship, what do you do? Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just ignore it or push it away with some mind-altering substance (alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or religion being among the top choices). It would be like breaking my leg and then continuing to walk on it. I would be miserable and in unbearable pain. My body would adjust to the leg being that way, and it would forever change the way I walk (in a negative sense). And any healing that did happen would fix my leg in that broken state forever, leaving my leg crooked and more vulnerable to further injury. It would probably hurt less over time, but it wouldn’t actually be any better. And unfortunately, many of us are walking around with broken hearts, expecting to be able to function in a healthy way without doing anything. Once again, contrary to old adage, time doesn’t heal all wounds – it just makes them into memories. So then what does heal such wounds and broken hearts, the side effects of love? Well, there are some universal principles that, when applied as needed in the right mix for the individual, can bring some relief to the pain (even if you no longer “feel” it – one of the tricky things about the broken heart is that you may no longer feel the pain as you did the day it happened, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t still hurting. Most likely, your mindset and your actions will be the best indicator of whether you are healed. The way you treat others and yourself can tell just how your heart is doing). Now, understood that the letters behind my name don’t entitle me to give medical advice of any kind, but as Paul and Peter said to the lame man at the gate, “silver and gold (degrees and expertise in counseling), I have none, but what I have (life experience, years of listening and giving advice, a heart for hurting people), I give to you.” -“Walking like a one-man army, fighting with the shadows in your head, living out the same old moment, knowing you’d be better off instead if you could only say what you need to say.” So often, we try to keep it inside when something happens to us, especially if there is some shame or stigma attached to it. If you’ve been abused, assaulted, rejected, or otherwise mishandled (especially by someone you cared about and trusted), you can feel like it was your fault. If you have never been told this or if you never believed it, I want to let you know right now that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. No matter what you may have done, no one deserves to be used, abused, or violated just so that someone else can get what they want. Either way, the pain we’ve endured and the experiences we’ve had can be hard and painful to talk about. Many of us try to bury such pain as deeply as possible so that it doesn’t affect us anymore. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work, and it tends to show up in places and ways we don’t expect (i.e. the side effects of love) and we begin doing to others what was done to us. But when we begin to first acknowledge and then talk about the things that have happened to us, we can begin to work through and reframe them. For example, when I was a kid, my dad worked all the time. I would ask him to spend time with me, but he would always say that he had to work. Even when he said we would hang up, things tended to come up, and it didn’t happen. Now, in my mind, I figured that he didn’t love me because he didn’t want to spend time with me. Having now grown up and being better to understand finances and obligations and things like that, I can see that dad wasn’t avoiding me or staying away from me because he didn’t love me – he was working to provide for me because he loved me. Sometimes it is necessary to pinpoint the source(s) of pain and look at them through older (and hopefully wiser) eyes. Some of the things that we endured simply need to be reframed, but we won’t know that until we acknowledge them and look at them outside of our heads. Whether this means finding a counselor (I recommend that everyone have one at some point in life), a pastor/spiritual leader (preferably one with some counseling experience and a true pastor’s heart), a trusted friend (who will do more listening than talking), a piece of paper (writing can be very therapeutic and make you have to face that which you’ve been ignoring), I know that you have to be able to get it outside your head to gain a better perspective on it. In talking to one of my teens about the end of her relationship, she was able to reflect on things she’d otherwise ignored, and she discovered that she needed and deserved more than he was willing to give. But only in reflecting and talking it out did she discover that. Even though she was still hurt by the ending, because she was emotionally connected and invested, she was able to free herself a bit by realizing that he wasn’t actually as great and loving as she had painted him to be. And in realizing that she deserved better, she felt empowered to move forward in her life rather than swimming in a pool of her own sorrowful tears over someone who hadn’t poured much positive into her life. Sometimes, it really is the other person who has the issues that need to be worked out. No matter what you do or did, some people refuse to receive love or treat you right. You can’t love them into being right or healed. You can try to help, but that is a decision that they have to make on their own. Don’t kill yourself trying to help someone who refuses to be helped or loved. -“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” So often we look for love and completion and happiness from other people. When we do this, we set ourselves up to be seeking for the rest of our lives without any chance of contentment. If you cannot be happy and whole by yourself, you will NEVER be happy. You may enjoy moments of happiness, but you will never truly be sustainably happy from within. You have to love yourself. You have to be able to look in the mirror and think, wow, you are beautiful and I love you. You have be able to look at a situation and choose the option that shows yourself love and respect, even if it means that someone else might be upset. If they truly love you, they will respect your decision to show yourself love. For example, if you’re with someone who wants to have sex but you don’t feel ready, if they love you, they will respect that and wait. If they get angry or upset and say things like, “if you loved me, you would do it,” they are trying to manipulate and use you for their needs. So take some time to get acquainted with yourself – your likes, passions, dislikes, dreams, quirks, turn-ons, triggers, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Not only that, embrace and enjoy the person you are. Acknowledge your rough spots and make changes in the necessary areas, but be forgiving and accepting of yourself. Tolerance is not an option – you must love you. We tolerate long lines or waiting at the DMV, but you shouldn’t look at yourself as a necessary evil or inconvenience in your own life. Spend time in the mirror encouraging yourself and enjoying your own reflection. Find a full-length mirror and admire the beauty that God created. Recognize that you are the most important person in your overall well-being. Take care of yourself health-wise. Treat yourself to little things just to make yourself smile. “Love on Top” is one of my favorite songs of all time, and I love the idea of someone else loving me enough to put their love for me over their ego, pride, past, other desires, etc to make me feel special and loved…. But more important than that, I need to put my own love on top of my list of priorities. If I don’t love me enough to take care of me, how can I expect anyone else to? When we take the time to love ourselves and treat ourselves better, we can fill the hole(s) in our hearts left by careless others. With a foundation of self-love, we will always feel loved. Even if someone we love walks away, our entire heart and supply of love won’t go with them, because we have a base from which to draw. And loving ourselves can help keep us from settling for less than we deserve, because we love ourselves enough to demand more from others. We recognize that we are awesome, and we won’t take something just because it’s offered, trying to snatch at anything that calls itself love just to have something or someone with us. -“Your healing is in me, and my healing is in you.” As contradictory as it may seem, some of the greatest healing for our relationship wounds can come in other relationships. The only way to learn to trust again is to have to trust someone. You can read all kinds of books on trust, practice meditations on trust, and write papers on it, but until you actually make the decision and extend trust to someone, you won’t truly be able to relearn trust. This can be the scariest thing, because this is area that caused the pain in the first place. It can be especially hard when you have to relate to someone who previously violated you (relative, ex, etc). But the function of a relationship (in its most ideal space) is to bring growth and healing to two imperfect individuals. No matter how awesome we are, we all have some issues and things that need to be worked on and worked out. A relationship of any kind has the potential to provide assistance in growing and moving forward. I have friendships in which we are in parallel situations, so we can encourage each other as we go through things and learn lessons along the way, sharing what we learn. I have friendships in which I have been through something that the person is currently in, so I can give advice based on where they are as I’ve been there. And I have friendships in which I am the one receiving the advice from the person who has gone before me in a certain area. One thing that I’ve discovered is that when we are in relationships (friendship or otherwise), we have opened ourselves to some degree, and when we are open, we are better able to receive. Some things can only be received when we are open and vulnerable, and in relationships, we tend to be a little of both. This is, of course, why injuries from those we’re close to hurt that much more. But on the positive side, they are able to give us deeper, greater blessings. If a stranger says that they love you, that’s nice. But if someone you love says that they love you, it is a beautiful feeling that can uplift, encourage, and empower you. When we find and create safe space with someone and share things from deep within us, we find intimacy, one of the most healing forces on earth. Knowing that you can completely be open and be yourself without fear of judgment or abuse is an unparalleled feeling. But we have to be willing to let people in so that such healing can happen. I’m not saying to open up to any and every one (we can get hurt by being too open with too many people), but if you can find one person with whom you can be free, you can begin to find that healing intimacy. -“Sometimes life will hurt you, but remember God heals. God is a healer.” When your self-love is running low and the love of others is as consistent as the wind, it helps to have a consistent force of love in your life. Whatever name you call God, understand that God loves you unconditionally and without fail. God’s love is not based on who you are and what you do, but it’s based on who God is. That means that whether you’re Jesus’ twin or you make Hitler look like a saint, God’s love for you never wavers or changes, even when you do. Embracing the fact that you are loved no matter what can help you sure up your self-love and self-acceptance. Knowing that you are accepted no matter what anyone else says can give you the strength to push forward and continue being yourself despite your opposition. Besides that, God knows all of what has happened and will happen in your life. I am of the belief that everything happens for a reason. Do those reasons also make sense and does that knowledge make us feel better? No. But I do believe that God is aware of the good and the bad in our lives, and I believe that God wants to work with us to make all that has happened into a positive thing (and a testimony for others). Is rape a good thing? No. But surviving such a thing can enable you to find strength that you never knew you had. It can also allow you to bring encouragement to other people who suffer abuses of their own. This doesn’t justify what happened, but it can bring positive fruit out of a negative experience. The key in all of this is to remember that what happened is not the end of your life. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller – doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone. What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter – doesn’t mean I’ve over cuz you’re gone.” Yes, it sucked to have been hurt as you were. You may have felt broken and dismayed. But as Kelly says later in the song, “you know in the end, the day you left was just my beginning.” Acknowledge the pain. Talk/write about it. Reframe it and put it in perspective. Love yourself. Receive love from others and from God. And know that you deserve to be happy and whole. You don’t deserve to suffer and be unhappy or hurt. Even though you’ve made mistakes and hurt others, that still doesn’t mean that you have to be miserable for the rest of your life. Get healing so that you will be less prone to doing things that will hurt others and yourself. Let’s start today.

Day 337- The Side Effects of Love

Do you feel like your life could use a boost? Is your heart longing for something that it just can’t seem to find in the material things that you’ve worked so hard to get? Looking to feel truly happy and fulfilled? Maybe Love can help. Love, when applied first to the self and then given to and received from others has the ability to heal past scars and provide strength and inspiration for life. It can make life and everyday trials more bearable, providing great joy for those who use as directed. (Possible side effects include butterflies in the stomach, rose-colored vision, nausea, heartbreak, crying, loss of or increased appetite, anger, bitterness, desire to shut off emotions, emotional detachment, use/abuse of others, and the same things that were done to you.) See what love can do for you. I have been thinking about doing these two entries for a few days now, but since Sunday is coming and I have to preach, I’ve been a little busy. Yet, the more I try to focus on that, the more this keeps coming back, so I’ve decided to be obedient to my soul and write what has been pressing on me. Admittedly, these have been some of the hardest entries for me to write. It’s not hard because of the subject matter – it’s hard because of the life experience I’ve had to experience that have shaped and necessitated it. It’s hard because of the tears I’ve had to cry (and even those I shed as I write this), the times I wanted to shut off my heart and my emotions, the moments when I wanted to do anything but feel the love that tends to flow so easily and freely from the core of my being… Now, if you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you have probably picked up on the fact that love is the most beautiful thing in existence to me. I will always and forever advocate for love as the greatest healing force and the most important thing to have, give, and practice in life. I think that we should all seek and live in and be intentional about love, because it is the only thing that matters in the end. I believe that real love in its purest form is the only hope we have for making things in this world better. Unfortunately, because of a lack of love, insecurities, fear, pain, and other oppositional forces, love doesn’t always have the best reputation and it finds its name associated with things that are not at all part of its nature. Rather, these are the side effects of love in our imperfect world. Anyone who has ever loved anyone (including themselves) has experienced some sort of heartbreak. Whether it is because you were abused, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, rejected, teased, manipulated, used, led on, or any number of things that people do to others, you have experienced a moment where there was some pain associated with love in your life. This doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships, but it happens in family relationships, friendships, acquaintances, and even with total strangers. Even if the love was for self and someone else rejected you, it calls into question the love of self and can lead to self-doubt and self-hatred. So every time we allow our hearts to venture beyond their comfortable space in our chest and in the relative safety of our souls, we risk finding love, but also risk experiencing the side effects that can come as a result of trying love. Like with any medicine, though healing is the intended purpose, there is unfortunately a chance that some negative things may happen as a result. And the list of side effects is by no means exhaustive. Misused love can cause “irreparable” damage in ways that can’t even be articulated. So then why try? Because, like Mariah Carey, “I still believe someday you and me will find ourselves in love again.” Despite the pain that we often find when dealing with loving imperfect people, we all ultimately know that we need love and that there is no greater feeling than loving and being loved. And so we hold to that tiny shred, unable to completely obliterate the memory of that moment (however brief) when we really felt loved, and we seek that our entire lives. Even when we try to avoid it or say we don’t need it, we know that deep down, our souls cry for it, and we won’t be completely satisfied until we find it…. Of course, I’m not one to talk about a problem without offering a solution, so the next entry will deal with finding healing…

Day 336 - What Was I Thinking?

I was having a conversation this afternoon with one of my teens about her relationship (well, former relationship at this point), and we were touching on the beginnings of the relationship - as we tend to do when one ends.  I was sharing with her some of my own experience and gained wisdom, and I was saying that I've learned that it's best not to get into a relationship just because you're lonely.  She said that this was typically her reason for doing so, but it had been different this time. Then I thought about a conversation I'd had with my sister about church and relationships and a class that she's teaching about shacking and such.  We talked about the various issues associated with it, and we got to some of the heart of the issue - people don't know and aren't really taught to do relationship in a healthy, balanced way. 

So this led me to thinking about how we get into the messes that we do relationally.  With a divorce rate at 50% and issues like domestic/dating violence on the rise, it's amazing that there are relationships at all.  But I think it all goes back to the fact that we tend to start from the wrong place.  When thinking about a bow and arrow, if your aim is off by a millimeter, the end result at the bulls eye will be off by much more. If people don't know how to begin dating in a means that is healthy, then the dating relationship will not go well. And if somehow things go well enough (or get stuck deep enough) for two people to get down the aisle, the chances of the marriage staying together in a happy marriage seem slim.  This isn't to say that it's impossible to find relational happiness, but statistics show that it's not happening very often.

Now, I'm not a relationship expert. But I can tell you what I've learned via personal experience and talking with many people about their relationship experiences. So I'd like to share some of the lessons that I've compiled in my short-ish time on earth.

• Don't start a relationship because you're lonely - this was a big one for me. You should never get with someone just because you're lonely. When you do this, you tend to go for whatever is available and settle for or ignore things that you wouldn't typically go for. Besides, in that space, you are looking for someone to fill a void, and they won't be able to do that sufficiently, which will cause unrealistic, unfair expectations and issues down the road.
• Be friends first - if you can't relate to the other person without romantic, giggly, sexual thoughts/feelings, i.e. as if they are a normal person, the relationship will likely not last.  I'm not saying that you can't be attracted to the person, because attraction is essential. But eventually the initial romance and butterflies will fade, and there needs to be a substantial relationship there to maintain the connection.
• Have something in common - I know it's said that opposites attract, but you have to be compatible with your partner in some way. If you can't agree on anything from politics to religion to where to eat dinner, things will likely be tough when you try to live together.  And the commonalities should be substantial. It's good that you both love the Lord, but if you can't agree on whether to have kids, one of you is a homebody and the other wants to go out everyday of the week, or things like that... you may want to reconsider. There will be areas in which you can complement each other and balance the other out, but the commonalities should be strong in order to give you lifelong areas of bonding.
• Trust your gut - you know that funny little feeling you get when they say certain things or when you think about them or when they do something... You may want to pay attention to that. We often "know" much more than we think, but because we've been taught to look at things "logically," we can ignore some early signs. This can be spotting red flags or it could be signs that this person is for you. Either way, listen to your instincts, because they tend to be more right than you think. Don't confuse fear with your gut, but if you have a continuous nagging feeling that something's not right, you may want to pay attention. And don't be afraid to ask for a sign to let you know the validity of what you're feeling.
• Not every relationship will end in marriage (and that's okay) - I think we've come to understand that any relationship we're in has to lead to marriage or else we failed. This is simply not the case. Many of the relationships that we have in life are to teach us something. And we are to teach the other person something. People always talk about reason, season, and lifetime relationships, but we tend to take it to heart when a romantic relationship ends. That's understandable since you've invested time and energy and emotion into this person. But when things are clearly heading to the end and you are trying to hold on, you make yourself and the other person miserable, and you block the possibility of great things (and people) coming into your life.
• Don't be afraid - we tend to get scared when it comes to doing things related to relationships. Again this is understandable considering the sensitivity of the subject and its proximity to the heart. But we have to be able to push ourselves to do what is necessary. Whether it is to pursue someone, to leave someone, to ask for what you need, to love yourself enough to change, receive love and healing, try something new, believe in someone, trust beyond the limits/baggage of your past, or anything else that might be necessary. Relationships definitely take work and courage, and they are not for the faint of heart. If you're not willing to put in the time and commitment, don't venture into something serious.

There is always more that can be said, but I will stop there. I wrote this entry in hopes that some of you would be able to avoid some of the things that I've gone through and seen others go through. And most importantly, I don't want you to have to look up at the end of a train wreck of a relationship or marriage and say, "what was I thinking?"

Day 335 - Appreciating the Beauty

When I was in my younger years and I saw an attractive person, rather than looking at them with “lust,” I would say that I was appreciating the beauty of God’s creation.  While I was being funny, I think that there is something deeper in that.  How often do we take time to appreciate the beauty in things?  I love sitting outside looking at the trees or the sky or the water or the stars.  Something about being in a space that is bigger than myself and appreciating wonders that are just so wonderful in their own natural setting….  There is nothing like taking in a sunset or sitting on the beach and enjoying the beauty of the sea.  

But to me, even more beautiful are some of the people I've had the pleasure of meeting and even seeing on the street.  The people of the world are some truly amazing, beautiful creatures if we take time to really look at them.  Unfortunately, a lot of times, we don't take the time to tell them that.  How often do you take the time to compliment a stranger?  How often do we take time to compliment the people we know.  For many people, the only time they compliment someone else is when they are trying to get something from them - they are sucking up to a boss or a person in power, they are trying to get with someone and hoping to win favor through flattery, etc.  

I think it's time that we begin to recognize and compliment the beauty in the people and the world around us.  If you see someone who is wearing a great tie, awesome earrings, killer shoes, a fabulous shirt, or they just catch your eye as an attractive person, don't be afraid to let them know.  Often we are plagued by our own insecurities, and somewhere along the way we got the idea that complimenting someone else will take away from us.  Nothing could be further from the truth - when you acknowledge someone else's beauty, you are showing love, a which enhances your own beauty.

So spread a little love.  Be free with the compliments just because. You never know... you could make someone's day. :-) 

BTW... You're beautiful...

Day 334 - Stronger

This is dedicated to all my friends who have had to endure some interesting situations lately that have made/are making them stronger.  Everything in life has the potential to make us stronger, wiser, and better depending on how we interpret and use what happened.  Even if the situation sucked or if the person treated you wrong, don't be bitter - use it to make you better.  #empowered

"You know the bed feels warmer sleeping here alone.  You know I dream in color and do the things I want.  You think you've got the best of me?  Think you've had the last laugh?  Bet you think that everything good is gone.  Think you left me broken down, think that I'd come running back?  Baby, you don't know me, cuz you're dead wrong."  The first line of this song seems a bit contradictory - why is the bed warmer when there is only one person in it?  But when you have a relationship that is more filled with tension and frustration and hurt than it is with love and care, it can leave you feeling cold and lonely when you are with the person. So when they leave, you feel a sense of relief and love for yourself can return, taking the forefront and keeping you warmer than a bad relationship can.  This kind of freedom allows the singer to dream in color, live more fully, and do what makes her happy.  While the one who left might think that she is hurting with them and that she will run back, needing them to feel complete, she says that all such thoughts are way off, because she will be doing no such thing.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller - doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.  What doesn't kill you makes you fighter, footsteps even lighter - doesn't mean I'm over cuz you're gone.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger.  Just me, myself and I.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller - doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone."  I love the chorus, because it is just strong and full of independent energy. She uses an old adage to let us know that even though tough situations (like someone significant leaving) might be hard and make you feel like you won't make it, when you get to the other side, you will be stronger.  Going through the pain of a tough break-up has the ability to show you strength that you didn't know you had.  You see that you can get through things you didn't think you could and you can live without someone that you didn't think you could.  You learn that you can be alone but not feel lonely and sad in that space.  And you learn how to fight through those painful emotions to be a stronger person on the other side. 

"You heard that I was starting over with someone new.  They told you I was moving on, over you.  You didn't think that I'd come back, I'd come back swinging.  You tried to break me, but you see..."  So the singer was left by someone who likely thought it would devastate her. Now she has (hopefully) healed and is seeing someone else, and news is getting back to her old love. She has gotten over them and is moving on to live life again without them.  The old love probably figured she would fall apart and be unable to function with them, but she has taken what happened and allowed it to make her stronger.  She fought for herself, and now she is happy with someone new.

"Thanks to you I got a new thing started.  Thanks to you I'm not the brokenhearted.  Thanks to you I'm finally thinking bout me.  You know in the end the day you left is just my beginning. In the end..."  Having gone through all she did, she is now able to thank her old love.  Even though it wasn't the best of circumstances, this situation has grown her and enabled her to find a new start and more love for herself.  While it seemed to be the end of things, their break-up seems to have been the new beginning that she needed - like the fire for a phoenix...

Day 333 - BGTY

As I was listening to this song, I figured it was perfect for a blog entry, so here goes...  So often we want to take care of everyone else, but we have remember the balance and the give and take of life - if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't do anything of value for anyone else.

"Sometimes we don't listen to what we already know. Take time to hear me, cuz you've got to be told.  So busy looking for love, like you don't know your worth. Get it together even when it hurts."  The singer is saying that there are certain things that we know, but we don't always listen to and apply them.  We probably know that we should take care of ourselves, we probably know that we ought to love ourselves, and we probably know that we ought to do better, but we just don't.  [It's true that there are times when we don't know.  But in this moment, I am now holding you accountable and letting you know that your days of seeking love outside yourself first need to end like this sentence.]  She is saying that we need to take hold of what we know and apply it, even though it may be hard.  This may mean letting some things/people go, even though we were looking for their love, because they are not serving our lives as we deserve and because we need to love ourselves better.
"You gotta be good to yourself, yeah (Be good to yourself). You can't wait on nobody else (No one else). Baby, be good to yourself, yeah (Be good to yourself). Or you can't love nobody, ooh (Or you can't love nobody else)."  The chorus simply tells us to be good to ourselves.  We can't wait on someone else to make us happy, to take care of us, to be good to us, to love us, or anything else.  This isn't to say that we can't allow it to happen when it does come, but we can't put ourselves on hold, waiting for someone to do those things, especially when we can't do it for ourselves.  And if you can't appreciate and love yourself who you see everyday and spend all your time with, the person you know most intimately, how do you expect to be able to truly give love to someone else.  Without that foundation of love for yourself, you will only be able to love out of a need for someone else's love as opposed to loving just to love. There will always be a selfishness behind love that is not coming out of an overflow, because it is never settled and needs to seek and pull more from others.
"Some days you feel like running from everyone you know - the things that you thought might be right now, it ain't necessarily so. So much on my mind, need a break from it all to get myself together so I don't fall."  When you get stressed, it's easy to want to run away from everything.  As an introvert, I know that when I get to that breaking point, I will hide in my headphones, putting the phone on silent and hiding in any of my personal sanctuaries... and the singer is saying that this is not a bad thing.  Sometimes it is necessary to get away and sit with yourself.  When you clear away the distractions of everyone else, you can see yourself (and consequently, the world around you) more clearly.  This isn't to say that you should run away from your problems, but it is necessary to take a moment to get yourself together by yourself, especially when things don't happen as you anticipated in life. 
"Oh, when you're traveling through the highs and the lows, make sure you listen to your spirit. You gotta take care of your soul. Hold on, never give up - you can get through whatever. Always make time for yourself."  We all go through things in life, but in order to maintain balance and sanity, it's important to be able to sit with yourself. Don't be afraid to be by yourself for a while. And this doesn't necessarily mean with the tv or a million things to distract. Take some time in silence with yourself... and see what you hear.  Your inner voice (known by names like conscience, gut, intuition, Holy Spirit, etc) has much to say and share, but you have to take time to listen in order to receive guidance.  Take care of your heart and emotions as well, because without healing and some sensitivity in your heart, you will miss a lot of the love and beauty available to you.  Besides, it's hard to operate in a meaningful way when you are broken and bleeding, not even attempting to deal with your stuff.  And remember that you have within you what you need to get through anything.  You've made it this far, right?  :-)  Don't quit now - there is beauty ahead.

Day 332 - Priceless

I was listening to "If I Ain't Got You" by A Keys a few minutes ago, and the chorus got me thinking. 
"Some people want it all, but I don't want nothing at all if it ain't you, baby... if I ain't got you, baby. Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing if I ain't got you."
In the world and society that we live in, it's not hard to find people whose major desire in life is some sort of material possession or status.  I think it's fair to say that materialism characterizes many of the people in the United States to some degree.  This can be seen in advertising, in music videos/music, and even in the church.  With the economy being what it is, there is less emphasis on excess, but money and material things still tend to be the major focus.
Now, let me be the first to say that I like things too.  I would collapse without my cell phone, and I'm so spoiled that I can't stand to talk on my cell phone without my bluetooth in my ear. And my material drug of choice is probably the food I eat.  If I have a craving for something specific, I will most likely seek and find it, even if it's inconvenient or not particularly healthy for me.  Though food is a necessity, I have likely turned it into a pleasure that can be a bit crazy at times.
But what is my point in all this?  As I listened to the chorus of Alicia's song, I was reminded that love is more important than all the french fries, Reese's peanut butter cups, bluetooths, cell phones, laptops, large bank account balances, cars, houses, etc that this world has to offer.  While some people spend their entire lives trying to acquire things and status and power and favor in the eyes of others, there is greater still that we should all be striving for. 
I was brought back to an ad campaign by MasterCard in which they would list some items and their price, then they would list some relational thing and say "priceless" for the price.  Their slogan would follow: "there are some things money can't buy; for everything else, there's MasterCard."  And it is so true.  That got me thinking about investing in love and relationship.  Sometimes relationships cost us money or time or effort or whatever it is, but the end result is truly priceless.  Those 5 extra minutes, those few dollars, that extra push or nudge of encouragement - they can make all the difference in someone's life and in a relationship.

So while it's good to have stuff, remember that the most important things in life can't be bought online or in any store.  Don't spend so much time trying to get stuff that you don't leave time and energy for love and meaningful relationships (keyword being meaningful).  Love does take work and effort and time and trust and risk and a million other things, but the end, "I don't want nothing at all, if I ain't got you."  When you truly experience love in a way that touches and changes your life, you will see how priceless it can be.  And once you experience such, hold to that love. Even if the person leaves your life, know that said love is always possible once again and in greater dimension.  But most importantly, remember that love is the greatest treasure we can have...
Priceless...

Day 331 - Unthinkable

Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't blogged about this song before.  Considering how much I love this song, I figured I would have by now... Well, since I've discovered that I haven't, I figure I should now. 

"Moment of honesty - someone's gotta take the lead tonight.  Who's it gonna be? I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me. If you have something to say, you should say it right now. You ready?" So the singer has decided that she and her friend have gotten to a point in their relationship where they need to talk about how they feel and what's going on with them. It's unclear who's gonna start, but somebody has to.  For her, now is the time, and she is ready to pour out her heart.

"You give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I think I deserve it.  It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore, and I can't take it. I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy? [Or would it be so beautiful? Either way, I'm saying...] If you ask me I'm ready. If you ask me I'm ready."  She realizes that what they share is different, as it makes her feel like no other.  And she feels like she deserves to have such a feeling, such a love.  It's growing by the day, and she can no longer hide what she feels, so she is ready to take the plunge and ask if this can be official, if they can take that next step.  Even though it may look crazy for whatever reason (in the music video, there was a racial divide, but it could be age, gender, or other societal concern), it makes sense to her and her heart feels that it's right.  It even has the potential to be a beautiful thing, and so she is putting herself out there to say that if the question is asked, she is ready to do it, no matter what the risks/concerns may be.

"I know you once said to me, this is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be. Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually? If we gon' do something bout it. We should do it right now."  In a previous conversation, her friend seemed to think that what they have brings about the feeling that one has when things are as they should be when you've found "the one."  Yet, for some reason, they haven't taken that step, and she is wondering why.  If this is what it's supposed to be like, why wait?  I will add a word of caution and say that timing can be important, but when your heart knows, sometimes you have to just go for it, or at least have the conversation as they are.

"Why give up before we try, feel the lows before the highs, clip our wings before we fly away? I can't say I came prepared. I'm suspended in the air. Won't you come be in the sky with me?"  Sometimes fear gets in the way, and people stop before they start, concerned about the potential negatives.  She is saying that they should at least try. Even though she doesn't have all the answers, she has taken flight in some way, and she is inviting her friend to let go and come with her.  Yes, there will be ups and downs, but if they try, it may end up being the best thing ever....

Day 330 - A Drop of Hope

"A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most, cuz you are my heaven." -Ron Pope

The above is a line from the song in the video.  I enjoy the whole song, but for the purposes of my thoughts today, the chorus is sufficient.  As the song played this morning, I listened to this chorus, and it made me think about hope.  The song itself is about hoping for and wanting a love relationship, but I think that it can speak to a larger theme.  Hope is a powerful, strong thing as is indicated by the chorus.  Sometimes the odds of getting what we want seems to be like a drop in the ocean or even our ability to change the weather.  We can look at the odds of a situation and think, there's no way in the world we will ever get what we want/desire.  This may be a loved one, a dream, a job, a degree, or some other thing that we have set our heart on. 
The fact that he was praying about it shows that it's something that he really wants.  Yet, he recognizes that his prayers may be like asking for rain in the desert.  To appreciate what this means, I looked up info on rainfall in the desert: "By definition, a desert gets less than ten inches of rain per year. Some deserts get no rain for hundreds of years."  So those are the odds that he's looking at... But hope won't let him let her go.  He chooses to hold her close to his heart, hoping, wishing, praying, because there is something in her that he refuses to let out of his life.  He calls her his heaven, which indicates a place of pleasure and delight, the ultimate fulfillment.  
So, whether you are hoping for someone you love to reciprocate and take that step toward you, for that dream job to be yours, for that promise you've been waiting on to be fulfilled, I pray that you find the strength to hold to hope in the midst of and in spite of what looks like the odds of a thunderstorm in the middle of the Sahara.  There is reason for your hope, even if it is just to make you stronger and to build your faith.  But I'm fairly certain that in the end, you will receive the desires of your heart (even if they look a little different than you initially pictured them).  And remember, "it will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end."

Day 329 - Mad Love

It has been way too long since I blogged, and I figured I'd come back to it with a fun little song.  This song makes me wanna dance every time I hear it, and it talks about love, so what else do I need? 

"Nothing you could do could ever stop my baby, nothing you could say could tear us two apart. We've got all the spark to set this place on fire. We got making love right down to a fine art. Nothing you could do could ever stop this feeling. Nothing in the world could ever shake us up. We've got all the stuff to break all of the rules, yeah. We've got all the stuff to mess all of you up."  The singer in this song is convinced that the love and relationship between he and his partner are unstoppable.  He says that his baby can't be stopped and that they can't be torn apart or separated.  What they have has the potential to set the world on fire, and the bond that they share is extended to the physical expression of love that is so incredible, it looks like art. Nothing can stop what they have or shake their love to the point that it would end. Sure, trials will come, but that won't break them up.  Their love seems to go beyond the bonds of the norm and it has the potential to affect others from its sheer power and presence.
"We got a mad, mad love. We got a mad, mad love. We got a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, mad love."  The chorus simply affirms that the love that they share can only be described as mad.  This isn't mad in the sense of angry, but it's mad in the sense of crazy, insane, wildly excited, etc.  It defies explanation and even normal parameters, but for them, it is beautiful and it works. [Truthfully, I believe that all love defies explanation and can seem a little bit crazy to people observing from the outside.]
"Nothing you could do could ever stop this burning, nothing you could say could ever stop this fire. Tell me I'm a fool for everything that we do. Tell me we're a mess, and I'll tell you you're a liar." Now the other half of this mad pair sings, saying that the passion and fire in their love are unquenchable.  And the way they function may seem crazy and foolish and even a bit messy, but she disagrees.  Even if it looks that way, they have something that won't be bound by the traditional understanding of love.

"When you're sad, you can put your head on my shoulder, oh yeah, and maybe together we can grow a little bit older."  This line is sung together. While their love may be described as mad, it contains the elements that all love should - care and commitment. They are offering to be there for one another in times of need, and they are desiring to live life together beyond the moment.