Day 338 - Healing from the Side Effects

(If you haven't already, read the previous entry before reading this one.) So, my last entry talked about the side effects that we can experience as a result of this thing called love. Unfortunately the investment of love can bring about some painful returns. Even in the best of relationships with the best of intentions and the biggest of hearts, pain is inevitable. No matter how much love we have for someone or how much they love us, because of our imperfections, at some point, we will hurt them and they will hurt us. The key in relationships (especially the ones we can choose) is to find someone with whom you find love and life that makes the inevitable mess of relationship worthwhile. But when you’ve encountered and been bruised by the mess of relationship, what do you do? Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just ignore it or push it away with some mind-altering substance (alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or religion being among the top choices). It would be like breaking my leg and then continuing to walk on it. I would be miserable and in unbearable pain. My body would adjust to the leg being that way, and it would forever change the way I walk (in a negative sense). And any healing that did happen would fix my leg in that broken state forever, leaving my leg crooked and more vulnerable to further injury. It would probably hurt less over time, but it wouldn’t actually be any better. And unfortunately, many of us are walking around with broken hearts, expecting to be able to function in a healthy way without doing anything. Once again, contrary to old adage, time doesn’t heal all wounds – it just makes them into memories. So then what does heal such wounds and broken hearts, the side effects of love? Well, there are some universal principles that, when applied as needed in the right mix for the individual, can bring some relief to the pain (even if you no longer “feel” it – one of the tricky things about the broken heart is that you may no longer feel the pain as you did the day it happened, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t still hurting. Most likely, your mindset and your actions will be the best indicator of whether you are healed. The way you treat others and yourself can tell just how your heart is doing). Now, understood that the letters behind my name don’t entitle me to give medical advice of any kind, but as Paul and Peter said to the lame man at the gate, “silver and gold (degrees and expertise in counseling), I have none, but what I have (life experience, years of listening and giving advice, a heart for hurting people), I give to you.” -“Walking like a one-man army, fighting with the shadows in your head, living out the same old moment, knowing you’d be better off instead if you could only say what you need to say.” So often, we try to keep it inside when something happens to us, especially if there is some shame or stigma attached to it. If you’ve been abused, assaulted, rejected, or otherwise mishandled (especially by someone you cared about and trusted), you can feel like it was your fault. If you have never been told this or if you never believed it, I want to let you know right now that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. No matter what you may have done, no one deserves to be used, abused, or violated just so that someone else can get what they want. Either way, the pain we’ve endured and the experiences we’ve had can be hard and painful to talk about. Many of us try to bury such pain as deeply as possible so that it doesn’t affect us anymore. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work, and it tends to show up in places and ways we don’t expect (i.e. the side effects of love) and we begin doing to others what was done to us. But when we begin to first acknowledge and then talk about the things that have happened to us, we can begin to work through and reframe them. For example, when I was a kid, my dad worked all the time. I would ask him to spend time with me, but he would always say that he had to work. Even when he said we would hang up, things tended to come up, and it didn’t happen. Now, in my mind, I figured that he didn’t love me because he didn’t want to spend time with me. Having now grown up and being better to understand finances and obligations and things like that, I can see that dad wasn’t avoiding me or staying away from me because he didn’t love me – he was working to provide for me because he loved me. Sometimes it is necessary to pinpoint the source(s) of pain and look at them through older (and hopefully wiser) eyes. Some of the things that we endured simply need to be reframed, but we won’t know that until we acknowledge them and look at them outside of our heads. Whether this means finding a counselor (I recommend that everyone have one at some point in life), a pastor/spiritual leader (preferably one with some counseling experience and a true pastor’s heart), a trusted friend (who will do more listening than talking), a piece of paper (writing can be very therapeutic and make you have to face that which you’ve been ignoring), I know that you have to be able to get it outside your head to gain a better perspective on it. In talking to one of my teens about the end of her relationship, she was able to reflect on things she’d otherwise ignored, and she discovered that she needed and deserved more than he was willing to give. But only in reflecting and talking it out did she discover that. Even though she was still hurt by the ending, because she was emotionally connected and invested, she was able to free herself a bit by realizing that he wasn’t actually as great and loving as she had painted him to be. And in realizing that she deserved better, she felt empowered to move forward in her life rather than swimming in a pool of her own sorrowful tears over someone who hadn’t poured much positive into her life. Sometimes, it really is the other person who has the issues that need to be worked out. No matter what you do or did, some people refuse to receive love or treat you right. You can’t love them into being right or healed. You can try to help, but that is a decision that they have to make on their own. Don’t kill yourself trying to help someone who refuses to be helped or loved. -“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” So often we look for love and completion and happiness from other people. When we do this, we set ourselves up to be seeking for the rest of our lives without any chance of contentment. If you cannot be happy and whole by yourself, you will NEVER be happy. You may enjoy moments of happiness, but you will never truly be sustainably happy from within. You have to love yourself. You have to be able to look in the mirror and think, wow, you are beautiful and I love you. You have be able to look at a situation and choose the option that shows yourself love and respect, even if it means that someone else might be upset. If they truly love you, they will respect your decision to show yourself love. For example, if you’re with someone who wants to have sex but you don’t feel ready, if they love you, they will respect that and wait. If they get angry or upset and say things like, “if you loved me, you would do it,” they are trying to manipulate and use you for their needs. So take some time to get acquainted with yourself – your likes, passions, dislikes, dreams, quirks, turn-ons, triggers, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Not only that, embrace and enjoy the person you are. Acknowledge your rough spots and make changes in the necessary areas, but be forgiving and accepting of yourself. Tolerance is not an option – you must love you. We tolerate long lines or waiting at the DMV, but you shouldn’t look at yourself as a necessary evil or inconvenience in your own life. Spend time in the mirror encouraging yourself and enjoying your own reflection. Find a full-length mirror and admire the beauty that God created. Recognize that you are the most important person in your overall well-being. Take care of yourself health-wise. Treat yourself to little things just to make yourself smile. “Love on Top” is one of my favorite songs of all time, and I love the idea of someone else loving me enough to put their love for me over their ego, pride, past, other desires, etc to make me feel special and loved…. But more important than that, I need to put my own love on top of my list of priorities. If I don’t love me enough to take care of me, how can I expect anyone else to? When we take the time to love ourselves and treat ourselves better, we can fill the hole(s) in our hearts left by careless others. With a foundation of self-love, we will always feel loved. Even if someone we love walks away, our entire heart and supply of love won’t go with them, because we have a base from which to draw. And loving ourselves can help keep us from settling for less than we deserve, because we love ourselves enough to demand more from others. We recognize that we are awesome, and we won’t take something just because it’s offered, trying to snatch at anything that calls itself love just to have something or someone with us. -“Your healing is in me, and my healing is in you.” As contradictory as it may seem, some of the greatest healing for our relationship wounds can come in other relationships. The only way to learn to trust again is to have to trust someone. You can read all kinds of books on trust, practice meditations on trust, and write papers on it, but until you actually make the decision and extend trust to someone, you won’t truly be able to relearn trust. This can be the scariest thing, because this is area that caused the pain in the first place. It can be especially hard when you have to relate to someone who previously violated you (relative, ex, etc). But the function of a relationship (in its most ideal space) is to bring growth and healing to two imperfect individuals. No matter how awesome we are, we all have some issues and things that need to be worked on and worked out. A relationship of any kind has the potential to provide assistance in growing and moving forward. I have friendships in which we are in parallel situations, so we can encourage each other as we go through things and learn lessons along the way, sharing what we learn. I have friendships in which I have been through something that the person is currently in, so I can give advice based on where they are as I’ve been there. And I have friendships in which I am the one receiving the advice from the person who has gone before me in a certain area. One thing that I’ve discovered is that when we are in relationships (friendship or otherwise), we have opened ourselves to some degree, and when we are open, we are better able to receive. Some things can only be received when we are open and vulnerable, and in relationships, we tend to be a little of both. This is, of course, why injuries from those we’re close to hurt that much more. But on the positive side, they are able to give us deeper, greater blessings. If a stranger says that they love you, that’s nice. But if someone you love says that they love you, it is a beautiful feeling that can uplift, encourage, and empower you. When we find and create safe space with someone and share things from deep within us, we find intimacy, one of the most healing forces on earth. Knowing that you can completely be open and be yourself without fear of judgment or abuse is an unparalleled feeling. But we have to be willing to let people in so that such healing can happen. I’m not saying to open up to any and every one (we can get hurt by being too open with too many people), but if you can find one person with whom you can be free, you can begin to find that healing intimacy. -“Sometimes life will hurt you, but remember God heals. God is a healer.” When your self-love is running low and the love of others is as consistent as the wind, it helps to have a consistent force of love in your life. Whatever name you call God, understand that God loves you unconditionally and without fail. God’s love is not based on who you are and what you do, but it’s based on who God is. That means that whether you’re Jesus’ twin or you make Hitler look like a saint, God’s love for you never wavers or changes, even when you do. Embracing the fact that you are loved no matter what can help you sure up your self-love and self-acceptance. Knowing that you are accepted no matter what anyone else says can give you the strength to push forward and continue being yourself despite your opposition. Besides that, God knows all of what has happened and will happen in your life. I am of the belief that everything happens for a reason. Do those reasons also make sense and does that knowledge make us feel better? No. But I do believe that God is aware of the good and the bad in our lives, and I believe that God wants to work with us to make all that has happened into a positive thing (and a testimony for others). Is rape a good thing? No. But surviving such a thing can enable you to find strength that you never knew you had. It can also allow you to bring encouragement to other people who suffer abuses of their own. This doesn’t justify what happened, but it can bring positive fruit out of a negative experience. The key in all of this is to remember that what happened is not the end of your life. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller – doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone. What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter – doesn’t mean I’ve over cuz you’re gone.” Yes, it sucked to have been hurt as you were. You may have felt broken and dismayed. But as Kelly says later in the song, “you know in the end, the day you left was just my beginning.” Acknowledge the pain. Talk/write about it. Reframe it and put it in perspective. Love yourself. Receive love from others and from God. And know that you deserve to be happy and whole. You don’t deserve to suffer and be unhappy or hurt. Even though you’ve made mistakes and hurt others, that still doesn’t mean that you have to be miserable for the rest of your life. Get healing so that you will be less prone to doing things that will hurt others and yourself. Let’s start today.