Day 336 - What Was I Thinking?

I was having a conversation this afternoon with one of my teens about her relationship (well, former relationship at this point), and we were touching on the beginnings of the relationship - as we tend to do when one ends.  I was sharing with her some of my own experience and gained wisdom, and I was saying that I've learned that it's best not to get into a relationship just because you're lonely.  She said that this was typically her reason for doing so, but it had been different this time. Then I thought about a conversation I'd had with my sister about church and relationships and a class that she's teaching about shacking and such.  We talked about the various issues associated with it, and we got to some of the heart of the issue - people don't know and aren't really taught to do relationship in a healthy, balanced way. 

So this led me to thinking about how we get into the messes that we do relationally.  With a divorce rate at 50% and issues like domestic/dating violence on the rise, it's amazing that there are relationships at all.  But I think it all goes back to the fact that we tend to start from the wrong place.  When thinking about a bow and arrow, if your aim is off by a millimeter, the end result at the bulls eye will be off by much more. If people don't know how to begin dating in a means that is healthy, then the dating relationship will not go well. And if somehow things go well enough (or get stuck deep enough) for two people to get down the aisle, the chances of the marriage staying together in a happy marriage seem slim.  This isn't to say that it's impossible to find relational happiness, but statistics show that it's not happening very often.

Now, I'm not a relationship expert. But I can tell you what I've learned via personal experience and talking with many people about their relationship experiences. So I'd like to share some of the lessons that I've compiled in my short-ish time on earth.

• Don't start a relationship because you're lonely - this was a big one for me. You should never get with someone just because you're lonely. When you do this, you tend to go for whatever is available and settle for or ignore things that you wouldn't typically go for. Besides, in that space, you are looking for someone to fill a void, and they won't be able to do that sufficiently, which will cause unrealistic, unfair expectations and issues down the road.
• Be friends first - if you can't relate to the other person without romantic, giggly, sexual thoughts/feelings, i.e. as if they are a normal person, the relationship will likely not last.  I'm not saying that you can't be attracted to the person, because attraction is essential. But eventually the initial romance and butterflies will fade, and there needs to be a substantial relationship there to maintain the connection.
• Have something in common - I know it's said that opposites attract, but you have to be compatible with your partner in some way. If you can't agree on anything from politics to religion to where to eat dinner, things will likely be tough when you try to live together.  And the commonalities should be substantial. It's good that you both love the Lord, but if you can't agree on whether to have kids, one of you is a homebody and the other wants to go out everyday of the week, or things like that... you may want to reconsider. There will be areas in which you can complement each other and balance the other out, but the commonalities should be strong in order to give you lifelong areas of bonding.
• Trust your gut - you know that funny little feeling you get when they say certain things or when you think about them or when they do something... You may want to pay attention to that. We often "know" much more than we think, but because we've been taught to look at things "logically," we can ignore some early signs. This can be spotting red flags or it could be signs that this person is for you. Either way, listen to your instincts, because they tend to be more right than you think. Don't confuse fear with your gut, but if you have a continuous nagging feeling that something's not right, you may want to pay attention. And don't be afraid to ask for a sign to let you know the validity of what you're feeling.
• Not every relationship will end in marriage (and that's okay) - I think we've come to understand that any relationship we're in has to lead to marriage or else we failed. This is simply not the case. Many of the relationships that we have in life are to teach us something. And we are to teach the other person something. People always talk about reason, season, and lifetime relationships, but we tend to take it to heart when a romantic relationship ends. That's understandable since you've invested time and energy and emotion into this person. But when things are clearly heading to the end and you are trying to hold on, you make yourself and the other person miserable, and you block the possibility of great things (and people) coming into your life.
• Don't be afraid - we tend to get scared when it comes to doing things related to relationships. Again this is understandable considering the sensitivity of the subject and its proximity to the heart. But we have to be able to push ourselves to do what is necessary. Whether it is to pursue someone, to leave someone, to ask for what you need, to love yourself enough to change, receive love and healing, try something new, believe in someone, trust beyond the limits/baggage of your past, or anything else that might be necessary. Relationships definitely take work and courage, and they are not for the faint of heart. If you're not willing to put in the time and commitment, don't venture into something serious.

There is always more that can be said, but I will stop there. I wrote this entry in hopes that some of you would be able to avoid some of the things that I've gone through and seen others go through. And most importantly, I don't want you to have to look up at the end of a train wreck of a relationship or marriage and say, "what was I thinking?"