Day 83 - Little Things

Since the first time I heard this song, I absolutely loved it.  I am the type of person who can appreciate the grand gestures and the over-the-top stuff... but my heart resides, rests, and rejoices in the little things.  The first verse of the song speaks to the desire to find the "grand things" in life but realizing that the best the world can offer might not compare to the comfort of your own stuff - "Been around the whole world, still ain't seen nothing like my neighborhood, and of all the fancy satin and silk, my white cotton feels so good."
And I appreciate that even in the music video, she has moments of the little things mixed in with her busy "Hollywood" life, showing that no matter how glamorous or famous you are, a truly aware person will still appreciate the little things and remain grounded.  I believe that's why she says, "Running round in circles, lost my focus, lost sight of my goal. I do this for the love of music not for the glitter and gold."  For any real musician who loves the craft more than the fame, I think money can always tempt, but they will always find their way back to the heart of why they do what they do.  And this can be true for any profession where money/fame enter into the mix and push us to perform to receive instead of doing what we do out of our heart.
My favorite line, aside from the chorus, is "Got everything that I pray for, even a little more."  This is so true.  I was reflecting just a few minutes ago, and I had to shed a tear, because I am ridiculously blessed.  One of my girls has been under the weather lately, so I decided to come visit her.  Well, when I arrived, 2 of my other girls were there, and I was in Heaven.  As I snuggled with one of my girls and listened to the others talk, watching them interact, a tear slipped from my eye.  These ladies are so precious to me, and it's not because of the big things, because there are no big things.  They're precious to me, because we can be ourselves and it is in the little things that we operate and bless each other.  Whether it's the fact that I can always count on a good snuggling session (my love language is physical touch), the kiss on the boo boo, the fashion consultation, the fellowship, the disclosures, or the way we just know... "it's the little things and the joy they bring."
So cherish the little things in your life - be they the people who bless you just by breathing, the colors of the sky as the sun rises and sets, getting a parking space close to where you're going, or anything that makes you smile because it's just what you need and it's on time.

Day 82 - Our True Selves

"Seeing that light, we shall follow that light through the birth canal toward humanity's rebirth. While our labor is long and in some ways hard, we are being born to something huge and precious. We are being born to our own true selves. And we will never settle, ever again, for being less than we truly are." -Marianne Williamson

Today's blog is inspired by the above quotation.  When I read it in my email this afternoon, I thought about the struggle that it is to find and be our true selves.  So much of life tells us to be other people or act in different ways.  This is especially true if part of who you are doesn't fit the "norm" of what society deems acceptable and superior - white, male, adult, heterosexual, Christian, without handicap or disability, etc.  Unfortunately, too many people try to make changes to who we are to fit these standards so that they can be approved in society's eyes, but they become lost in their own.  And there's no guarantee that the changes we make will even satisfy our critics.  

So even though the process of finding and staying true to your authentic self is like a baby pushing through the birth canal - a space that is pressed in all around it, almost fighting it every step of the way - the ability to be born and breathe your own air and see the world through new eyes is an incredible experience.  We are born to be more than someone's shadow, clone, or stepping stone.  We each have a wonderful purpose that only we can fulfill, and it's in being ourselves in spite of the detractors that we can fulfill said purpose.  And once you have a taste of your true self, it will be nigh unto impossible to go back to being anything.

Be who you be.

Day 81 - Ain't No Woman Like the One I Got

Overall, I'm a fan of this song.  It has lines like "Every day the sun comes up around her. She can make the birds sing harmony.  Every drop of rain is glad it found her.  Heaven must have made her just for me."  Who wouldn't wanna have someone sing something like that to them? 
But as I listened to it, there is one line in particular that makes me cringe whenever I hear the song is "I kiss the ground she walks on, cuz my word, my word she'll obey."  Hmmm... Kids obey, dogs obey, but a girlfriend/wife?  Yeah, that sounds like patriarchy taking effect.  Partners work together and do things for each other, but they do not order each other around.  Patriarchy is a beast in the things that it makes people think are acceptable, even necessary. 
So think about the things you say and the things that you expect in any relationship.  Are things coming out of your idea of masculinity/femininity based on what the media says or out of who you are authentically in a relationship?

Day 80 - The Arms of the One Who Loves You

"I know you're going.  I can't make you stay.  I can only let you know I'll love you anyway.  And if the road you take leads to heartbreak somewhere down the line, if someone ever hurts you or treats your heart unkind, you just run to the arms of the one who loves you.  You just run to these arms and these two arms will keep you warm.  When rain has found your heart, never fear, I'm never far.  You just run to the arms of the who loves you."  I have loved this song since I first heard it in middle school.  This may be due in part to the fact that I have a way of loving people deeply.  This first verse and the chorus speak to a love that is willing to wait, that understands that sometimes, people have to be separated.  Now, the reasons are unclear, but I know that I applied the song to a high school sweetheart when he went away to college.  But the lyrics are versatile enough that it could be any number of occasions and reasons.
"I want you happy.  I want the best for you, and if you have to leave to find your dream, I hope that dream comes true.  But if the world you find brings you hard times, if someone makes you cry, I'll be there to hold you.  I'll be standing by."  This verse almost says parent releasing a child into the world but always being available if things don't work out well.
"My love is strong enough you know, strong enough to let you go.  But I'll always hold you inside my heart.  And if you should ever change your mind, you can come back anytime, and when you do..."  Love that is mature enough to be able to let someone go is a  beautiful, powerful thing.  It is typically free of insecurity and fear that makes people hold tight.  And I appreciate that once you are able to let something go, if it returns to you, you will appreciate it all the more...
Just run to the arms of the one who loves you....
You know, I typed the above and published it, and then I thought about the fact that, while the power of love is a beautiful thing in its strength, this is really a painful song, especially if the circumstances of leaving are not positive....  But even though letting go of someone you love for any reason is a hard task, I hold to the hope that Love itself has a way of sustaining us when our hearts/minds find things tough to deal with.

Day 79 - Simple

On this day, God wants you to know... that truth has strength and power of its own. In any situation you find yourself in, look for truth, search for it deep in your heart. Let that truth of your heart flow, and you will see obstacles melt like ice.

 

So, yesterday, I took a road trip with some of my sister friends, and as usual, there was good conversation and good fun.  As I reflected on our shared community, the situations of my friends with "crushes," and on relationships in general, I had a realization: love is simple.  Love, as an entity, is simple.  The problems and complications enter in when we introduce things like roles, expectations, stereotypes, past baggage and brokenness, etc.  It is then that relationships becomes a hard, confusing mess with little of anything that resembles actual love.  One of my friends with a "crush" was saying that her love for her friend was simple - comfortable, easy, authentic - like the natural flow of the relationship.  Even in watching her interact with her girlfriend, the simplicity of their relationship reminds her of the simple nature of things.  While her thoughts about the situation aren't always simple because of the context, her feelings for her friend are, and they can even put her at peace despite the apprehension that she sometimes feels because of the situation.  

And so the quotation above from the facebook app seems to fit well into this line of thought.  Just like truth, love has strength and power of its own, and when you seek to let love be the guide in the midst of any situation, the mountains can become ant hills, and peace will be available.  

Focus on the love...

Day 78 - Heart

So I was looking through the pictures on my computer, and I came across this one.  I want to know what people think about it.  Share your comments and thoughts, and I will use a later entry to talk about it.

Day 77 - I Will Always Love You

This has got to be one of my all-time favorite songs.  I love hearing this song because of the power and strength of Whitney's voice and the emotion with which it comes through.  Initially, I thought it was a fabulous love song that I would have played at my wedding (this was YEARS ago of course), but as I listened to more than the chorus, I began to realize that this song was not for such an occasion. this song deals with a love that cannot exist in the romantic sense as the singer (and most likely the other party) would desire.
"If I should stay, I would only be in your way, so I'll go but I know I'll think of you every step of the way."  She has made the decision to move on because she is aware that her being in his life will not be a feasible, positive situation for him.  In the context of the movie "The Bodyguard," this makes sense, because loving the person you are professionally assigned to protect probably makes the job a bit more interesting than is healthy for the focus and concentration needed to do that particular job.  But even in parting, that doesn't mean that the love dies, and her heart will probably hold a bit of him for life.
"Bittersweet memories - that is all I'm taking with me.  So good-bye.  Please don't cry. We both know I'm not what you, you need."  Still trying to figure out how I feel about this line.  I think I'd want to cherish the happiest moments of a relationship when it has ended, but I guess it might be painful to remember such happy times without desiring them again. At the same time, I know that the happiest moments are what tend to encourage me to keep pressing forward, especially in the area of love.  With that in mind, I will take the happy moments.  But it is a mature love and understand that is willing to accept that, despite the feelings shared, the two people don't fully provide what the others need, and so they will separate for the best interests of the other.
"I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you've dreamed of, and I wish joy and happiness.  But above all this, I wish you love."  While we are dealing with a romantic relationship, I have come to adopt this mindset for all the people who leave my life for whatever reason.  Whether the circumstances are positive or negative, it's a way of helping me to heal from the end of a relationship, because no matter what has happened or what the result was, I still want the best for all people (even if they don't know enough to want it for themselves).

And, of course, I will always love you....

Day 76 - Boundaries "Defined"

As I was talking to my friend again about her situation (the one whose "crush" has a girlfriend), we sought to find practical application for her feelings and the relationship that they were a part of.  This became especially pertinent as she "discovered" (more like acknowledged) that she is also physically/sexually attracted to her friend.  She confided in me that somewhere between her exploration of her sexuality and her work to become a whole person (connected in mind, body, spirit, and heart), she realized that where her heart goes, the rest is inclined to follow.  And considering she's in an "open" state of mind as she defines her sexuality, the form it happened to come in was another female.  At the time that we conversed, I didn't have an answer for her, as this newest revelation does add an interesting dimension to the mix.  But, being who I am, I spent much mental time tossing the thought around, trying to help her (and others through this blog) find some boundaries that wouldn't hinder love but would create a safe and healthy situation for all involved, especially my friend. 
When I woke up this morning, the question was sitting on my brain, and I as thought about what I know of my friend and her friend, it came to me (like an epiphany): don't be a dumb ass.  Now, that may sound a bit harsh, so let me flesh it out.  Because the relationship that they share is already very open and intimate and close, there's no reason that my friend shouldn't be able to enjoy that space, feelings in tow, and gain all the love that she needs without crossing any inappropriate bounds.  Not to say that this will always be the easiest thing to do, and she may have to find ways of working through some of the sexual tension that she may experience, but their relationship is such that it seems to already provide space for closeness (physical and otherwise) that still respects her friend's relationship while allowing my friend to fulfilled. 
The "don't be a dumb ass" comes into play because society tends to teach/show us that when one person has feelings for another in a relationship, it creates all kinds of problems and makes friendship impossible.  The person with feelings typically acts like a child and is seen as unable to contain themselves, while the recipient of the feelings becomes scared to interact for fear of leading the other person on or hurting the person.  I would encourage my friend to remember the relationship that got them to this place of comfort and vulnerability, holding to the love that they share.  This is not about negating her feelings but about allowed them to be expressed and taken care of in a safe space.  And if her friend is as she described, then she will be gracious enough to protect her feelings and heart within the strength of love and friendship.
Boundaries "defined" - understand the nature of your relationship and respect the space.  Communicate openly about your feelings, and let the friendship take care of the feelings.  Know that you don't have to date/marry every person that you ever have feelings for.  They may simply be there to teach you a lesson, and I believe that's the case for my friend (well, both of the friends I blogged about).  And be keenly self-aware, because you know how you feel and what you can handle better than anyone else.  As much as I encourage the exploration of your feelings, I wouldn't suggest putting yourself in dangerous or potentially problematic situations.  Be careful, and walk in respectful love.

Day 75 - Killing Me Softly

As I was driving to work at the crack of dawn this morning, I heard this song on the radio, and it got my mind moving (more than usual).  I thought about the fact that this song, especially the chorus - Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song. Telling my whole life with his words, killing me softly with his song - has many possible interpretations and applications, so I'm gonna run down what came to mind.

1. The most obvious seems to be the literal interpretation - a person singing a song as if they've known us our whole lives and read our every thought.  Music has a beautiful way of speaking better than words sometimes, and artists seem to be gifted with tying lyrics to our heartstrings, singing the words right out of our hearts.  Now, I'm still a little unsure what "killing me softly" means, but I'm going to assume that it's something along that lines of opening her up and making her feel and be vulnerable.
2. I also thought about the power of a good sermon that is relevant to much of the congregation or even the way it may just hit 1 person in a particularly strong way.  There have been many times when I sat in the pew and wondered if the preacher had been reading my journal or listening to my quiet time with God, because everything said touched on what I was dealing with and gave God's answer for where I was.  
3. The other interpretation seemed a little less obvious, but because of the place I am in life, it spoke the loudest.  Although the person in the song didn't know her, I think this song can speak of the intimacy between friends that can touch a person's soul and life the same way that the lyrics to the song touched Lauryn.  Friends have a way of being able to strum our pain and sing our lives, but they aren't far away on a stage - they can stay there with you through the process after they've spoken prophetically into your life.  

I appreciate the ways that God can provides words to speak to us whether through a well-placed song, tv show, movie, sermon, or friend. I've had a lot of those recently, and I'm so blessed.

Day 74 - Boundaries Explored (A Follow Up)

So, after I published yesterday's blog, the second young lady who I spoke about decided to share her feelings with her friend in the interest of being authentic and honest within their friendship, and she gave me the details of the conversation.  I share this, because the response was an example of love that speaks to the depths that I am exploring which go beyond the traditional bounds that we put on love.  When she told her friend, her friend was genuinely shocked.  Her friend, based on the person that my friend has described her as, is a very sensitive person who is intentional about her communication and in her dealings with other people's feelings.  Because of this (and because of her own experience with expressing her feelings to someone she cared about), she handled the situation with all the grace and care that one could hope for.  She asked questions and gave my friend space to talk and process her feelings.  She was understanding of and even validated her feelings, saying that it was okay to feel the way she felt.  With the wisdom she possesses, she helped my friend to realize more of her own feelings/desires in the situation, and said that she would keep that in mind and be intentional about spending time with her.  My friend even came to the realization that such feelings in this particular context are probably more about helping her heart continue to heal than any sort of romantic entanglement
Even since the initial conversation, she's checked in with her a couple of times just to make sure that she is doing alright and processing well.  Once again, I share all of this because her response speaks to a few things - their level of relationship, her friend's integrity in dealing with relationships, an understanding of love that goes beyond the norm, and an ability to bring healing in a tender situation.  The more I look at love in my life and the lives of people around me, I am greatly appreciative of the bounds that I find to be pushed and moved and even broken and how that brings out great things despite what people tend to perceive.

Understand that words mean everything when hearts are involved.  The care that my friend's friend took in handling the situation has made a scary situation bearable, even positive for my friend.  The friendship, as a result, will most likely find growth and healing as opposed to awkwardness and strain.  When handling emotions and feelings, be they your own or someone else's, handle with care.  You never know the impact that your words, intentional or not, can have.

Day 73 - Boundaries

What do healthy boundaries in relationships look like?  Are limits on love and boundaries in relationships the same thing?  Should love be limited in certain relationships?  Or is it more about the manifestations of love than what we'd call a boundary?
I recently had conversations with 2 of my friends who find themselves in strikingly similar situations and have questions/issues regarding relationships and boundaries, which is what inspired me to think about this.  I'm gonna share their stories and ponder some possible answers for them and in general as it relates to boundaries and love.
The first friend is a young lady who has had some interesting relationships in the past, and finds herself single and in a place of healing and change.  She has feelings for a guy who is a good friend of hers, and their relationship is... complicated at best.  Yet, the reason we spoke about boundaries was because of the feelings that she has for another one of her friends.  This friend is one who she has grown close to more recently, because there was previously some tension because of outside issues.  Yet, they've gotten past that and have become the best of friends - hanging out all the time, sharing in confidence, and just growing a healthy friendship.  Well, the snag comes into play because both of them are females and both of them are straight... yet my friend finds herself having a "girl crush" on her friend.  She feels emotionally connected to her and she even feels the need to care for and protect her, because she has great love and respect for her friend.  Now, while it's understood that females typically have the benefit of sharing closer, more intimate emotional relationships, she also feels an attraction to her friend.
The second is a young lady in a similar place - single, some interesting relationships, and in a place of healing and transition.  She is also in a place of exploring her sexuality and thinking about embracing a more open stance - receiving love in whatever form it comes as opposed to limiting it to one gender.  Her situation is also a "girl crush" on a friend who she has recently gotten close to.  There is an admiration as well as emotional attachment and some physical attraction as well.  The snag here is that her friend has a girlfriend already.  Her desire is not at all to break up the relationship, but she recognizes the feelings that she has and wants to do something about it.  She had a previous situation where she was in love with a guy friend who was in a relationship, and it made things difficult for her in the friendship.  She has no desire to hold in her feelings as she did previously and suffer in silence, so she wants to know how she can handle this in a healthy way now.
So as I listened to their stories and feelings, I came to some conclusions.

• It's clear that my friends have similar pasts that have brought them to similar places at this time.  Having dealt with interesting (not all bad, just interesting) relationships in the past, it is clear that they want to be loved in healthy, authentic ways.
• They have found a safe space of love....  It just seems to be with another female as opposed to a male.
• As far as I know, there's no real desire for romantic relationship (esp since one of the "crushes" is already in a strong, committed relationship), but with such feelings and attraction, they feel the need to do something.  Suppression is not an option when trying to live a healthy, authentic life, especially because suppression may subconsciously cause issues in the friendship.

So then questions arise - should they limit their love for their crushes?  Is there a way to redirect the love such that it doesn't cause problems?  What should a conversation with their crushes look like (if there is to be one at all)?  And what can be learned from shared love in a safe space that may be useful in their future relationships?

I don't actually have answers for my friends, but I think it's always important to remember a few things:

• Love itself is without limit, but the ways we express love have to find different manifestations depending on the relationship.
• Authenticity is always important, and despite the situation, it's important to always be honest with yourself about how you feel.
• Communication in any relationship is important, so whether the issue is fully addressed, it is always critical to maintain open communication to keep the relationship as healthy as possible.

Day 72 - Unrestrained

Today, I am going to preach my Initial Sermon and become a licensed minister in the Baptist Church.  Now, while that means a lot of different things to a lot of people, for me, it is about taking another step in my journey and being faithful to what I believe God is calling me to do.  Titles don’t impress me, but I’m aware that part of my call will be best suited with acting in a ministerial capacity.  I shall speak out of what God has given me, and I appreciate the church and my pastor for recognizing the gifts within me and making it official.

But the real point of this blog is to express love to my greatest Love.  In working on this sermon, I have gone on a journey through pain, my past, and myself to get to be unrestrained.  While this sermon has been about 3 years in the making, my entire life has been the text for this particular message.  There have been so many things that sought to bind me and keep me from just living life day to day, much less living in the fullness of joy and peace that God desires for all humans.  I’ve had some days that I thought would be my last on earth, endured pain that I thought would stop my heart on the spot, and dealt with things that I knew no one should have to feel….  I’ve dealt with fear and depression, thoughts of suicide, and so many other things.  I shut down my own emotions to avoid the pain.  I lived a miserable existence…

But through it all, God has been amazing, faithful, and so many other things.  The pain, the heartache, the struggles, the lies, the poverty – all of it has been shaped into something beautiful, complementing the beautiful creation that God first formed in my mother’s womb to make me the Alexandria that I am today.  While I am not complete and perfect and I have certainly not ‘arrived,’ I can walk in the spirit of unrestrained because I am on the journey and facing forward.  I daily lose a bit more bondage and restraint, and I am able to smile in the midst of pain and stand when I’d rather not.  And more than anything else, I can stand in the assurance that I’m loved no matter who on earth rejects me, and that makes all the difference in the world.  I no longer have a hole in my heart.  And because of all that I’ve been given, my heart is eternally grateful and in God’s hands.

While my theology has changed and my beliefs have shifted over the course of my life, I stand firmly and unshakably on the fact that God exists and loves me in such a deep, healing way that my life’s desire is to share that with the rest of the world.  I know that God can seem abstract and far away at times, especially depending on where you get your theology and/or doctrine, but I challenge everyone to seek to feel God.  I’m a firm believer that if you seek God and ask God to reveal Godself, God will happily show you the reality of God.

Day 71 - Intimacy

Because I've been thinking a lot about intimacy lately and experiencing it in some unexpected ways, I thought I would share some insights.  Most people assume that intimacy is the same as sex, but that is not true.  It's possible to have intimacy without sex, and it's possible to have sex without intimacy.  And while I previously held to the "traditional" definition, I've been taught that intimacy breaks down to "into me see," which is about being open and vulnerable to someone such that there is space for sharing and love to enter in.  I've found this to be a helpful definition.  
I've been blessed to experience intimacy in a hug, in a conversation, in an email, and a variety of other places.  For me, intimacy has come to be more than a moment for a special occasion.  I want it to be (and happily it's becoming) a consistent characteristic of my relationships.  Because I tend toward the deep end of the pool, I pour a lot out.  This causes me to need to be poured back into, and intimacy does that for me.  It's a refilling and refreshing in a way.  It's a way of letting you know that you are loved and cared for. 
Two examples of intimacy that I've received stand out when I think about it.  Both were unexpected but on-time.  The first came from my best guy friend.  I'd been having the week from Hell, and so when I saw him and he asked how I was, my "fine" didn't fly.  So we walked to his place and talked - i.e. I told him about all that was on my mind and bothering me.  After he sat and thought for a bit, he asked if I wanted a hug.  I said sure, not really caring much either way.  So I walked over to him and we hugged.  After the appropriate amount of time, I went to move, and he said "I'm just gonna hold you for a while."  I said okay and sat on his lap, letting him hold me.  For the time I spent there, things just seemed a little more still and quite nice.  Every now and then, he'd rub my back or my head, and I just enjoyed the peace.  When I finally sat up, I wondered why I felt so different. He said something to the effect of "you said you wanted intimacy, so I thought I'd give you that."  Now, we'd had that conversation some months before, so the fact that he remembered and provided it for me... blew me away.
The second was less involved but equally as powerful.  Because of my work schedule, I only get to see certain of my friends once a week, which makes me sad, because I love seeing the people I love.  Either way, because of circumstances and situations, I wasn't gonna be able to see one of them.  I sighed, but I moved on, because that's life.  Either way, went to dinner with some friends and came to drop one of them off and who is at their place but the friend I had wanted to see.  She peeked in the car and saw me (I was in the back on the passenger side), and she came around to the other side.  I got out and she hugged me.  Now, we've had maybe 2 actual conversations with her up to this point, but for some reason, there was something in her hugged that changed my life.  Because I know her and trust her, especially having seen her in her relationship with one of my good friends, intimacy and care can be shared without words.  I also believe strongly in the spiritual component of intimacy which connects people in ways that words sometimes cannot.

There is a beauty in intimacy that should permeate all relationships.  It deals with trust and care and openness, which is something we all need in order to be healthy in all parts of our being.

Day 70 - Thus Far

As an introspective person, I tend to take a lot of time looking inward and looking back, processing what I've seen and learned and gained.  Considering it's been 70 days since I took on this endeavor of daily blogging about love in its various forms, I figure now would be a good time to think through what I learned both in doing this blog and in thinking about love in concert with daily life. 

• The most important thing I've learned and that I continue to learn is that love is soooooo much bigger than we tend to think of it.  I was telling a friend the other day that we think about love in terms of the state of Virginia, but the actual size and depth and expanse of love is more like the North American continent. Because our thoughts about love tend to be limited to the romantic, there is a world of love that would greatly enhance our lives, but we miss it, because we have put love in a rose-colored, candy-shaped box with marriage as the ultimate goal instead of looking at love for the sake of love and care in all aspects and relationships in our lives.
• The only limits that love has are typically the ones that we put on it.
• As a single person, I have very significant experiences with love on a daily basis that mean more to me than some of the romantic relationships I've had.
• Intimacy (something that will be blogged about in the near future) is a key component in love.  [And as a hint, intimacy is NOT synonymous with sex.]
• Self-love is foundational, and without it, love for anyone else is impossible.  With that being said, it's important to understand and embrace all parts of yourself.  
• There is much misunderstanding about love as evidenced by songs that I listen to and media that I watch (which is part of the reason I started the blog).
• There's a long way to go in this journey....

Day 69 - Breathe

I absolutely LOVE this song.  There is a beauty and depth to it that speaks to the more sexual, intimate part of love.  But more than just being about two folks between the sheets, it blends tender, emotional love with the passion of the physical aspect.  "It would be like when hearts beat as one, it would feel like no ordinary kiss for you and I.  Now close your eyes and picture us breathing life into love."  The thought of breathing life into love sounds amazing, and it reminds me of God breathing life into people, and I think the idea is similar. 
One of my favorite song lyrics ever is "The Most High outdid herself when She created you."  For me, it speaks to the beauty of God as a woman that is reflected in the human woman. 
I think I also greatly appreciate the fact that he's not just trying to get some and move on.  He is building something with her, and sex is a complementary part of their relationship and not the entirety of it.  "The ultimate pleasure's giving pleasure..."  I would have to agree.  The beauty of give and take in love.  Mature love is about being willing to give love to others and not being selfish.

Day 68 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman!

So, I know I'm a tad bit late, but I need to honor Women's History Month, so this song sounded like a fun way to do so.  Granted, the song is about going out and having a girls' night out, but it sorta speaks to the fun side of being a female.  "I'm going out tonight, I'm feelin' alright - gonna let it all hang out. Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice.  Yeah, I wanna scream and shout!  No inhibitions, make no conditions, get a little outta line.  I ain't gonna act politically correct.  I only wanna have a good time."
"The girls need a break.  Tonight we're gonna take the chance to get out on the town.  We don't need romance - we only wanna dance.  We're gonna let our hair hang down.  The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun."  A lot of times, you associate women with hard work and taking care of the house and all of that, but this song for me deals with the fun of being able to get out and just enjoy life as a woman - free to have fun and dance in a group with your closest girlfriends and just let loose for a bit.
I love being a woman!  Now, that hasn't always been the case, and I haven't always wanted to be a woman, because I used to be under the influence of patriarchy that painted womanhood as weakness, emotional lack of control, frilly, fragile, trivial, even stupidity...  But thankfully, I have grown to appreciate the beauty of woman.  I love having women's intuition.  I love my curves and my shape.  I love that my emotions can find more free expression.  I love my simultaneous sensitivity and strength.  I love the way I can share with my sisters and we can enjoy things that are unique to us.  While all women are not the same, there are things that we share, and these things do not make us inferior to men - just different.
Celebrate your womanhood!  And if you are a man, embrace and celebrate the women in your life.  And enjoy being a man.  This is about celebrating who we are with all the difference and similarities that there are.  :)

Day 67 - The Miseducation of Humanity

My world, it moves so fast today.  The past, it seems so far away, and life squeezes so tight that I can’t breathe.  And every time I’ve tried to be what someone else thought of me – so caught up, I was unable to achieve.  But deep in my heart, the answer, it was in me, and I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

I look at my environment and wonder where the fire went – what happened to everything we used to be?  I hear so many cry for help, searching outside of themselves.  Now I know that His strength is within me.  And deep in my heart, the answer, it was in me, and I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

Simple words to a profound song.  The first verse speaks to Lauryn’s battle with external expectations and the desires to others dictating her life.  How many of us have felt overwhelmed by the number of opinions and projections and thoughts that other people had for our lives that we couldn’t even see ourselves in the mirror anymore?  Everyone has an opinion as to what you should do or who you should be, and that extends beyond individuals to things like your job, your organizational affiliations, your belief system, society, etc, until it’s possible that the only thing you know about you is your name (and even that can be changed with enough money and the right forms).  But, in the midst of the swirling chaos of other people’s expectations, Lauryn says, “But deep in my heart, the answer, it was in me, and I made up my mind to define my own destiny.”  She recognizes that, despite the multiplicity of opinions and suggestions, she is the only one who holds the answer to who she really is and what she should do, and so she makes up her mind to shape her life as she sees fit.

Then, in verse two, she takes a wider lens and looks at the people around her.  She ponders the lack of passion and strength that characterizes the people she sees.  And one of the key lines in this verse for me is “I hear so many cry for help, searching outside of themselves.”  For me, this line speaks to the entirety of the problem.  People so often look to define themselves with things that are outside of themselves – salary, position of power, spouse/significant other, economic status, car, house, children, fraternity/sorority, religious doctrine (as opposed to relationship with God) – and this is what causes issues.  If who I am is based on the car I drive, and I lose the car, have I lost myself?  Am I so fleeting that the loss of one material item or one relationship can negate my existence?  Who was I before I had that item then, and does my entire life really revolve around something that is as fleeting as I am if not more so? 

It is imperative that your identity be in something that you have some control over, i.e. yourself.  You were created unique and beautiful with certain gifts and passions that embody who you are.  Granted, life will shape how those gifts and passions are manifested, but it is up to you to remain true to your created, authentic self, because people will always try to say that you should be something else (especially if it better suits their needs).  Even your friends with the best of intentions may not always be able to see the full beauty of who you are, and it’s up to you to fight for who you are.  But the beauty of the next line of the song is that the battle is not yours alone.  “Now I know that His strength is within me.”  When you understand that the Divine created and gifted you a certain way, then you can rest assured that the passion you have for XYZ is part of a bigger plan to serve all of creation.  Is it hard to be authentically you in the face of opposition?  YES.  But is it worth it?  ABSOLUTELY.  At the end of the day, you are the only person who lives in your skin and deals with your conscience.  You are the only one who knows what your heart feels is right. 

So make up in your mind to define your own destiny…

Day 66 - In Love

When you hear the phrase ‘in love,’ what comes to mind?  Maybe you think about a couple holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes.  Maybe you think about a couple pledging their lives to one another in front of a cloud of witnesses.  Maybe you think about someone who has uncontrollable passion and affection for someone, and if said feelings aren’t returned, the person who’s ‘in love’ will act irrationally.  Having grown up as a female in a society that socialized me with fairy tales romance and princesses since I could remember, the idea of ‘falling in love’ with a ‘prince charming’ who would ‘sweep me off my feet’ was always a goal.  Even as a tomboy, I longed for a man with whom I could fall in love who would fall in love with me and change my life, giving me a happily ever after. 

Well, having grown past the phase of princesses, knights in shining armor, and happily ever after, I still desire to be in a loving relationship with someone who will complement me and change my life in positive ways.  But when I think about the way that people talk about and envision love, many things bother me, but one thing in particular stands out.  One of my sisters was recently asked by her... (we’ll call him a friend because things are slightly complex) friend if she was in love with him.  Now, they’ve said ‘I love you’ to each other before, and I believe they have talked about the fact that they love each other and have a special sort of relationship that goes beyond friendship, but for some reason, he felt the need to ask this question.  In my mind, it almost seems redundant and confusing, but it speaks to the confusion that people have (and that the media perpetuates) concerning the nature of ‘romantic’ love.  Because of the complexities of their relationship – there is potential for them to work together in a professional capacity, his question seems to have come out of concern for her ability to work with him despite her feelings.  One of the speculative definitions of ‘in love’ – “someone who has uncontrollable passion and affection for someone, and if said feelings aren’t returned, the person who’s ‘in love’ will act irrationally” – seems to be reflected in his question.  They have talked about the fact that there are feelings on both sides, but for whatever reason, her being ‘in love’ as is perceived by society would render her unable to work with him without some sort of emotional trauma occurring. 

In my mind, the question arises as to why there is a difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone.  Ideally, I would love anyone who I was ‘in love’ with, so why draw a line?  You either love someone or you don’t.  Now, there may be different manifestations of love in different relationships – the way I show love to my mother is different than the way I show love to my best friend, and that is different than the way I would show love to a romantic partner – but love is still love.  Even the terminology is problematic – ‘in love.’  ‘In love’ as differentiated from other types of love seems like the other relationships/loves would be less loving.  If you’re not ‘in love,’ are you outside of love in the other relationships?  What about the line “I love you but I’m not in love with you”?  Does that translate to ‘I care about you as a person, but I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you,’ because you could just say that?  Maybe it’s more a literal thing and you are inside a bubble called ‘love’ that directs how you see and interact with that particular person.

Or maybe the phraseology (and its connotation) is more akin to infatuation.  As I talked with my friend about her situation, we talked about the fact that she didn’t have the giggly, butterfly, ‘puppy love’ feelings with her friend.  Because of the way their relationship has gone, they have grown together in friendship and care, essentially skipping the warm fuzzies as their relationship evolved from friendship into a deep, abiding, mature love where they are comfortable with each other.  So for her to be ‘in love’ – the erratic, giggly, immature, emotionally sensitive desire for him – would be taking a step backward.  She loves him.  He loves her.  Period.  Sure there is a sense of joy and excitement at relating to each other and being in relationship, but the ‘spark’ is not the entirety of the relationship.  Long after the ‘chemistry’ and all that wears off, there will still be a deep love and care that remains.

Will people change their terminology and think in more open ways about love?  Author bell hooks had this to say: “we are all capable of changing our attitudes about ‘falling in love.’  We can acknowledge the ‘click’ we feel when we meet someone new as just that – a mysterious sense of connection that may or may not have anything to do with love.  How different things might be if, rather than saying ‘I think I’m in love,’ we were saying ‘I’ve connected with someone in a way that makes me think I’m on the way to knowing love.’  Or if instead of saying ‘I am in love’ we said ‘I am loving’ or ‘I will love.’  Our patterns around romantic love are unlikely to change if we do not change our language.”

Day 65 - Higher Than This

This one actually kinda speaks for itself.  "What can be higher than this?  There's no love that's higher than this."
"Life that reflects in the mirror, showing the essence of who I am.  Made from pure perfection, I’m connected to the One therefore I am... one to rise above all the ugliness, evolve into a world of selflessness.  I can see love and no love can be higher than this."  Love from God connects to and informs love for self, and there's no love higher or more power than those two combined.  I love all the people in my life, but without the basis of love in God and love for myself, my heart would be a bucket with a hole in it - always seeking to be filled but always leaking and never having enough to sustain me.
"Feeling like everything's going wrong. Take a step back and edit yourself - there’s a hero in you waiting to happen.  Make the choice to take a chance and save yourself.  You gotta let go of your insecurity, explore the passion in your possibilities.  You will find love and no love can be higher than this."  Yeah, things will go wrong and happen, because no one's life is perfect.  But you have to remember that there is a power within you to do anything (when you are tapped in to the Divine, of course).  Letting go of insecurities and self-doubt will go a long way in pushing you toward your goals.  Not only will you think yourself worthy, but you will also find power and strength within that you didn't know/believe you had.

So what can be higher than this?  Love for God and love for self working together to allow healthy love for others...

Day 64 - When You Really Love Someone

 

So, I like this song, and I wanna look at it a little closer.  :)  She begins by talking about herself as a woman and saying what she needs/expects from a man - "Sweet attention, love and tenderness.  When it's real it's unconditional."  But then she takes it a step further to say that "a man just ain't a man if he aint' man enough to love you when you're right, love you when you're wrong, love you when you're weak, love you when you're strong. Take you higher when the world got you feelin low.  He's giving you his last, cuz he's thinking of you first, giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt.  That's what's done when you really love someone."  Then she switches to the male side, saying, "Cause you're a real man and lord knows it's hard; sometimes you just need a woman's touch.  Sweet affection, love and support. When it's real, it's unconditional, I'm telling y'all. Cuz a woman ain't a woman if she ain't woman enough to love you when you're right, love you when you're wrong, love you when you're weak, love you when you're strong. Take you higher when the world got you feelin low.  She's giving you her best, even when you're at your worst.  Giving comfort, when she's thinking that you're hurt.  That's what's done, when you really love someone."  

I appreciate this song, because it spells out some things that are key within love and relationship, although I do have to wonder about the differences in the verses.  Why is it that the male role is provision ("he's giving you his last") while the female role is intimacy and support ("she's giving you her best even when you're at worst")?  Shouldn't this be more balanced and equal?  I would think so, but patriarchy tends to set other norms.  

The bridge of the song is nice though - "Sometimes you gonna argue, sometimes you gonna fight, sometimes it's gonna feel like it will never be right, but something so strong, keeps you holdin on.  It don't make sense, but it make a good song."  As with every relationship, there are ups and downs, ins and outs, good times and bad times, but if the relationship is worth it, love and care will keep the relationship together with work and communication and compromise on both sides.

Aside from that, I think that this song should extend beyond male-female romantic relationships.  In my mind, any successful relationship (friendships, sisters, brothers, etc) should have all these elements - affection, love, support, give and take, comfort, etc.  While I appreciate what Alicia was going for, I think we should take it a step further and apply this to all relationships with all genders.  :)

Day 63 - Sisterhood

For me at this place in my life, the most important human relationship I have right now is that of my sisters.  I have tended to be something of a loner, having between 1 and 3 actual friends at a time.  Even then, friendships have always been interesting for me, and I wasn’t necessarily a fan of females, because the media (and some of my experience) portrayed women as less than desirable creatures to have relationships with – ultra girly, catty, competitive, emotional, etc.  So, I tended to stay away from females if I could help it. 

Well, when I got to UVA for undergrad, I was amazed to have a group of sisters dropped in my lap.  It blew my mind that a group of young women my age would be willing to love on and embrace me.  While I’m grateful for my little brother, I’d never had sisters, and I was always curious as to that relationship, and so to have it on such a large scale was slightly unreal. And to know that these ladies all cared for me when I still was figuring out who I was and that I should care about myself was unbelievable.  I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved just as I was, so I did everything I could to earn the love that I was being given.  They were the first people to tell me that I didn't have to do things to be loved - WHAT?!  

But there was something about being connected to a group of women who could pray and laugh and talk and sing and dance and share together....  We all varied in age and life experience, but we had God and love (and UVA) in common, and there was a bond that (to me) was unreal.  And there was a level of trust and depth and openness I found with them that I'd never seen previously.  They were the beginning of me coming out of the very thick shell around my heart.  

Then, when I graduated from UVA, I figured that sisterhood would be mainly a memory.  Of course I remain in contact with my sisters from UVA, but I didn't expect another group of sisters.  Well, God continues to surprise me, knowing exactly what I need when I need it.  I've had various groups of sisters since then, and even now, I'm blessed to have a group of sisters who are... beyond words.  I think that as we grow, we gain friends who match where we are currently and where we are going, and this most recent group of ladies is truly a divine appointment.  Because seminary has been such a life-changing experience, they can relate with where I am now, and this is beautiful to me.  

Why am I sharing all of this?  Because I am realizing more and more how important female friendship is, not just for me but for females in general.  This is not about male-bashing but about appreciating the beauty and uniqueness that is female relationship.  There is just something that I can experience and share with my sisters that, for various reasons, cannot be found in friendships with males.  Despite the messages of the media that can "trivialize women's friendships," making them appear "predictably shallow, neurotic, one-dimensional," I say that there is a deep richness in sisterhood, especially in community with a group of sisters.  I have been more than blessed to experience this community in various places, and I pray that God blesses everyone with a group of sisters or brothers in which they can love and grow.  This does, of course, mean being open and vulnerable in order to experience the beauty that is true connection, but it is so worth it.  Love you all!

Day 62 - Love God, Love People

I figured I’d switch up the vibe of the blog for the day and do something a little more fun.  This song by Israel Houghton is a nice, light song that speaks to a simple idea that pretty much covers what I wanna share with the world – “love God, love people, love your neighbor as yourself… everybody, love somebody.”  I love this song, and for me, it encompasses some universal truth that most anyone can appreciate. 

Israel begins by saying, “how can I thank You for the way that You freely gave love so beautiful, unconditionally?”  That’s a grand starting place – acknowledging the unconditional love that God is and gives.  But what I appreciate is that Israel doesn’t stop with his own personal reflection on God’s love for him.  He acknowledges the fact that his own life is great, but then he says, “but when I look and see all the suffering, I wanna do something, but something’s gotta start with me.  I can’t give it till I live it.  Now that my eyes are open, teach me how to love.”  Though his life is good and infused with the love of God in a transformative way, he recognizes that there are many others who are not as blessed, and so this awareness touches his heart, motivating him to desire to help others, even being humble enough to ask to be taught to love.  I think we often assume that love just comes naturally, but the messages of the media and experience tend to warp the love that should inherently flow in all of us. 

“And now it’s time to make a change – revolution day.  Put it into action, live compassionately.”  “Life gets better.  It just gets better when we, we look around and see all of humanity waiting on someone.  Someone is you and me.”  Once you take time with God to receive the Divine love, learning to love God and self, then you have to walk it out, loving people with your actions and words.  Show compassion to those you know and those you don’t.  Realize that superheroes are the every day, ordinary people who choose to give rather than focusing on their own lives.  The world is not waiting for ‘someone.’  The world is waiting for the world to individually come to a realization that we all have a stake and a place in this thing called life, especially if there is change that we all need to see and feel. 
“You can’t give it till you live it.  You can’t live it till you give it away.”  An important point that he makes throughout the song is the fact that, until you receive love and walk in it, it will be fairly impossible for you to give love to anyone else.  I can’t give someone $100 if I only have $10 – it’s impossible.  So, I advise you to seek the source of love and sit at Love’s feet.  It matters not what you call the Divine; what matters is that you receive the love of the One who shaped you and loves you more than you can imagine.  When you begin to realize that the depth of that love, you will be able to embrace yourself in a new way, which will give you a different (more compassionate) view of other people.

LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF