When you hear the phrase ‘in love,’ what comes to mind? Maybe you think about a couple holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes. Maybe you think about a couple pledging their lives to one another in front of a cloud of witnesses. Maybe you think about someone who has uncontrollable passion and affection for someone, and if said feelings aren’t returned, the person who’s ‘in love’ will act irrationally. Having grown up as a female in a society that socialized me with fairy tales romance and princesses since I could remember, the idea of ‘falling in love’ with a ‘prince charming’ who would ‘sweep me off my feet’ was always a goal. Even as a tomboy, I longed for a man with whom I could fall in love who would fall in love with me and change my life, giving me a happily ever after.
Well, having grown past the phase of princesses, knights in shining armor, and happily ever after, I still desire to be in a loving relationship with someone who will complement me and change my life in positive ways. But when I think about the way that people talk about and envision love, many things bother me, but one thing in particular stands out. One of my sisters was recently asked by her... (we’ll call him a friend because things are slightly complex) friend if she was in love with him. Now, they’ve said ‘I love you’ to each other before, and I believe they have talked about the fact that they love each other and have a special sort of relationship that goes beyond friendship, but for some reason, he felt the need to ask this question. In my mind, it almost seems redundant and confusing, but it speaks to the confusion that people have (and that the media perpetuates) concerning the nature of ‘romantic’ love. Because of the complexities of their relationship – there is potential for them to work together in a professional capacity, his question seems to have come out of concern for her ability to work with him despite her feelings. One of the speculative definitions of ‘in love’ – “someone who has uncontrollable passion and affection for someone, and if said feelings aren’t returned, the person who’s ‘in love’ will act irrationally” – seems to be reflected in his question. They have talked about the fact that there are feelings on both sides, but for whatever reason, her being ‘in love’ as is perceived by society would render her unable to work with him without some sort of emotional trauma occurring.
In my mind, the question arises as to why there is a difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone. Ideally, I would love anyone who I was ‘in love’ with, so why draw a line? You either love someone or you don’t. Now, there may be different manifestations of love in different relationships – the way I show love to my mother is different than the way I show love to my best friend, and that is different than the way I would show love to a romantic partner – but love is still love. Even the terminology is problematic – ‘in love.’ ‘In love’ as differentiated from other types of love seems like the other relationships/loves would be less loving. If you’re not ‘in love,’ are you outside of love in the other relationships? What about the line “I love you but I’m not in love with you”? Does that translate to ‘I care about you as a person, but I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you,’ because you could just say that? Maybe it’s more a literal thing and you are inside a bubble called ‘love’ that directs how you see and interact with that particular person.
Or maybe the phraseology (and its connotation) is more akin to infatuation. As I talked with my friend about her situation, we talked about the fact that she didn’t have the giggly, butterfly, ‘puppy love’ feelings with her friend. Because of the way their relationship has gone, they have grown together in friendship and care, essentially skipping the warm fuzzies as their relationship evolved from friendship into a deep, abiding, mature love where they are comfortable with each other. So for her to be ‘in love’ – the erratic, giggly, immature, emotionally sensitive desire for him – would be taking a step backward. She loves him. He loves her. Period. Sure there is a sense of joy and excitement at relating to each other and being in relationship, but the ‘spark’ is not the entirety of the relationship. Long after the ‘chemistry’ and all that wears off, there will still be a deep love and care that remains.
Will people change their terminology and think in more open ways about love? Author bell hooks had this to say: “we are all capable of changing our attitudes about ‘falling in love.’ We can acknowledge the ‘click’ we feel when we meet someone new as just that – a mysterious sense of connection that may or may not have anything to do with love. How different things might be if, rather than saying ‘I think I’m in love,’ we were saying ‘I’ve connected with someone in a way that makes me think I’m on the way to knowing love.’ Or if instead of saying ‘I am in love’ we said ‘I am loving’ or ‘I will love.’ Our patterns around romantic love are unlikely to change if we do not change our language.”
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