As I was talking to my friend again about her situation (the one whose "crush" has a girlfriend), we sought to find practical application for her feelings and the relationship that they were a part of. This became especially pertinent as she "discovered" (more like acknowledged) that she is also physically/sexually attracted to her friend. She confided in me that somewhere between her exploration of her sexuality and her work to become a whole person (connected in mind, body, spirit, and heart), she realized that where her heart goes, the rest is inclined to follow. And considering she's in an "open" state of mind as she defines her sexuality, the form it happened to come in was another female. At the time that we conversed, I didn't have an answer for her, as this newest revelation does add an interesting dimension to the mix. But, being who I am, I spent much mental time tossing the thought around, trying to help her (and others through this blog) find some boundaries that wouldn't hinder love but would create a safe and healthy situation for all involved, especially my friend.
When I woke up this morning, the question was sitting on my brain, and I as thought about what I know of my friend and her friend, it came to me (like an epiphany): don't be a dumb ass. Now, that may sound a bit harsh, so let me flesh it out. Because the relationship that they share is already very open and intimate and close, there's no reason that my friend shouldn't be able to enjoy that space, feelings in tow, and gain all the love that she needs without crossing any inappropriate bounds. Not to say that this will always be the easiest thing to do, and she may have to find ways of working through some of the sexual tension that she may experience, but their relationship is such that it seems to already provide space for closeness (physical and otherwise) that still respects her friend's relationship while allowing my friend to fulfilled.
The "don't be a dumb ass" comes into play because society tends to teach/show us that when one person has feelings for another in a relationship, it creates all kinds of problems and makes friendship impossible. The person with feelings typically acts like a child and is seen as unable to contain themselves, while the recipient of the feelings becomes scared to interact for fear of leading the other person on or hurting the person. I would encourage my friend to remember the relationship that got them to this place of comfort and vulnerability, holding to the love that they share. This is not about negating her feelings but about allowed them to be expressed and taken care of in a safe space. And if her friend is as she described, then she will be gracious enough to protect her feelings and heart within the strength of love and friendship.
Boundaries "defined" - understand the nature of your relationship and respect the space. Communicate openly about your feelings, and let the friendship take care of the feelings. Know that you don't have to date/marry every person that you ever have feelings for. They may simply be there to teach you a lesson, and I believe that's the case for my friend (well, both of the friends I blogged about). And be keenly self-aware, because you know how you feel and what you can handle better than anyone else. As much as I encourage the exploration of your feelings, I wouldn't suggest putting yourself in dangerous or potentially problematic situations. Be careful, and walk in respectful love.
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