So, yesterday, I was getting on a roll about marriage, because it's a passionate thing for me (because it alters and can ruin so many lives). Again, I've never been married, but I have enough experience with other people and enough conversations with married (and divorced) people to know that there is something wrong with this institution. There's much that I could say about marriage, but I will try to narrow my focus, because this could be a month-long series.
I will say that the base of marriage is where things start going awry. The starting point is two healthy people who are whole and secure and desiring to live outside the bounds and oppression of patriarchy, which I've discovered has a way of destroying... everything. But I digress. Admittedly, the context that I'm focusing on is the black heterosexual since that is what inspired me to write about this, but I will try to give some general guidelines as well.
For the men - your identity goes beyond your salary, your car, your position of power, your organizational affiliation, your bicep size, your penis size, or your ability to make people respect/fear you. You do not have to be "in charge" in a relationship or in your household, nor do you know have to "run things" to be a man. And, for God's sake, do not pick a spouse based on the trophy wife syndrome - beautiful but quiet, ready to stand behind her man with no life of her own. I have typically found that men want someone who will support them but not challenge them (and that may be because of security issues mainly due to the pressures of patriarchy's definition of masculinity). There seems to be a lack of desire for a partner and more desire for a maid/child/sex partner. Again, patriarchy (combined with Christian doctrines of male headship) puts the pressure of leadership on the male, and it's hard to be "in charge" and still be an equal partner with someone at the same time. Take time to know yourself and be secure in who you are. Then, seek out a partner who can be your friend and your love.
For the ladies - let insecurity go! Again, patriarchy is partly to blame, but I'm here to help you get beyond some of that. Not all women are your competition. In fact, when we as women begin to work together and treat each other in healthy relationships (not like that which is modeled by the Real Housewives of anywhere), life will be much more beautiful. You are already beautiful - your body doesn't have to be on display 24 hours a day. Your identity is not based on your relationship status, the number of men pursuing you, your "hotness," or anything like that. Stand as an independent and interdependent woman, embracing yourself and your womanhood as beautiful. Despite the continuous objectification of women and trivialization of expressions of emotions/intuition, know that being a woman doesn't put you in second place or justify you being the property of anyone else. As I told the men, take time to know yourself and be secure in who you are. Then, seek out a partner who can be your friend and your love.And make sure that you respect yourself and that your partner respects you.
In general, a marriage is a covenant relationship. Unlike a contract, this is not a situation where there are clauses, loopholes, and if, then conditions. A covenant relationship is one in which the two people work together for the growth of the other and themselves, living together in love and mutual respect. Friendship is the basis for any good marriage, because there will always be friendship even when marriage and life together makes a relationship tough to endure. Everyone involved should be aware of self - likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, past issues, etc - and take care of yourself before entering a relationship.
No comments:
Post a Comment