I’ve come to the conclusion that there are layers, stages, and seasons in relationships. Now, that may not seem like a very profound statement, but if you’ll bear with me, I will explain why I think that matters. Because of the way that I grew up, I am one who tries to avoid conflict. For me, there is nothing worse than fighting and arguing and tension and the like. Of course, this is because I equated fighting with anger and rejection and lack of love. But as I’ve grown, I have come to understand that disagreement is a natural part of life and relationship. The question is how things get handled as to whether the relationship is healthy and loving or not.
In one of my current relationships, I’ve noticed a pattern, and I think that it speaks to the concept of layers, stages, and seasons. The relationship started with what I’ll call a “warm and fuzzy” period – the time when things are new and happy and fun. This is where you hang out all the time and there’s little if any conflict as the bond grows. As the space becomes more comfortable, you begin to let down your guard and open up, sharing more. Around this time, a shift begins to occur, and the things that are closer to your heart and who you are come to the surface. When this happens, there is more possibility for conflict to arise. Since people are being more open, when there are possible signs of conflicts, people tend to react in one of two ways – lashing out or pulling back – out of fear of having the tender parts (now exposed) hurt.
Here’s where the test comes in. At this point, the fork in the road presents itself. Do you avoid the pain and run? Or do you buckle down and take the time to get past the intense emotions to talk through to resolution? This depends on whether you think the relationship is worth it, the amount that you’ve invested, your sense of self-worth, and your level of emotional/mental maturity. Previously, I did whatever I possibly could to avoid conflict, even when confronted with it. But in this recent relationship, I have been willing to confront issues (even if it took me a minute to get there), because I and the relationship are worth it. I have gotten to the point where I can feel the tension and the space, and that is what pushes me to speak. You know the tension I'm talking about – where it takes effort to be in the space, because there are things unspoken hanging in the air that make it hard to relate on a lighter level.
Either way, at this crucial fork, when you find the strength and courage to be open and communicate, you have the capacity to push the relationship to a new level of understanding, closeness, and intimacy. Though it takes going through a sticky season of less than happy conversations, if things go well, you will gain greater understanding of yourself and the person(s) with whom you are in relationship. This allows personal growth and a deeper relational bond. For example, in the conversation I had a few weeks back with my sister friend, I not only learned/faced some truths about myself, but I learned some things about her and how all that affected the dynamics of our relationship. And when both parties come to important realizations and make strides to move forward based on what was learned (and hopefully healed), the relationship has no choice but to get stronger and closer by virtue of the fact that two (or more) people have opened up their hearts and allowed another person into their intimate space.
Of course, it’s possible that one person gains healing and moves forward, but the other person(s) doesn’t move. This can cause further conflict. As I was telling one of my friends, it’s like one person standing naked and vulnerable while the other person stands fully clothed and just looking. The naked party can feel violated, because they took the step to be open but are not shown the same courtesy. So ideally, it would be a mutual sharing and moving forward.
So, where are your relationships currently? Are they in the warm and fuzzy stage? Are they in a conflict stage? Are they in the discussion stage? Are they in the resolution stage where a deeper warm and fuzzy is possible? Do you stick with relationships beyond the warm and fuzzy? Take time to look at your relationships and see if there are areas where a conversation or some understanding is needed. When you sense that tension, take the initiative and courage to open the lines of communication and work to bring healing to both parties. Trust me, you’ll feel 10 pounds lighter.
No comments:
Post a Comment