“A LOT comes with a friendship or any relationship. You gotta give your all and expect the same in return or it isn’t a relationship, more like associates.”
I have come to the realization that I can think way too much. This is not to say that I will ever stop thinking, because I know that my mind has great capabilities and that my intelligence will do well to serve the world. But what I’m beginning to realize is that I can have a tendency to over-think, especially in relationships, and that this can be my defense mechanism. Well, I tweeted that I was thinking again about relationships, and one of my newest friends asked me about it. After we had talked about it a bit, she tweeted the above statement. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
As simple as that thought is, it is very profound. In a great relationship, you are able to give all of who you are. You have to be willing to open and share and be vulnerable. If not, there can be no relationship. Anybody can be a hang out partner (a person who is just fun to chill with but who you don’t actually talk to about anything serious) or a counselor (someone who just provides advice) or a child (someone who just receives care), but it takes two people willing to be open and vulnerable and trust each other in order to have a friendship. It’s been said time and again that without trust, there’s no relationship.
If you don’t trust someone enough to share your issues or trust that they can pour into you in any way, then you’re not in relationship – you’ve put yourself in a position to play a role. You can’t be in a relationship when you’re playing a role. Yes, it is easier to keep distance between yourself and others, especially if you are used to being strong for others or if you’re not sure if they can handle your stuff, but there can be no real relationship in such cases. At the end of the day, that kind of interaction is just two associates who don’t even necessarily need each other in their lives, because anyone could play that role. The thing about friendship is that it is based on who a person really is, not just the role that the person can fill in someone’s life.
There is nothing wrong with having associates. Not every relationship can be a deep and life-changing relationship, and that’s okay. But if you call it a friendship and operate as such, the key is mutuality. So as I ponder the relationships in my life, I have come to understand that there are some conversations I need to have and that are some relationships that can no longer wear the friend label, but that’s okay. And I have to grow up in some aspects as I learn to give more of myself, so that in relationships where others are willing/able to give themselves, it won’t become one-sided because I’m living in fear.
So, from now on, I shall give my all in relationships, but I shall also have the discernment to see when others aren’t giving their all, the strength to discuss my feelings in relationships openly, and the courage to relate in like fashion no matter what I previously understood as the relationship.
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