Day 49 - Expectations

One of my favorite books ever in life is The Shack by William Paul Young.  That book blessed me when I read it and has changed the way I look at relationships, love, life, etc.  One of the things that stood out to me in the book was the discussion of expectations:

“Let’s use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship.  Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship.  When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking.  That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.  But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ – spoken or unspoken?  Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship.  You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations.  Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements.  It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend….  Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.”

Now, it would take days to really unpack all of what was said in the above paragraph, but I will try to explain why it's so profound to me.  Initially it took me a minute to wrap my mind around what was being said in terms of delineating expectation and expectancy, but I've come to realize that expectations are set, whereas expectancy is an active, dynamic edge of your seat experience.  Expectations say, "I expect you to give me flowers on our anniversary."  Expectancy anticipates being shown love in honor of a day that should be significant to both parties but doesn't see it as a hard and fast rule which will cause an argument.  Expectations say, "because you're my friend, I expect to talk to you this many times a week, and if I don't, you don't care about me and I'm not your friend."  Expectancy looks forward to time and communication shared whenever it happens.  

In a way, expectations seem to have a kinship with fear and insecurity, desiring to control things.  Now, I'm not saying that there aren't certain things that you want in a relationship, but what I am saying is that expectations can be dangerous things, especially when they are unchecked and not evaluated by the person holding them.  You might expect a current partner to check in with you every hour because your last partner cheated, and you subconsciously are trying to keep the new one from doing the same.  You may get sensitive when a friend goes a couple of days without calling you because you have been abandoned in previous relationships, so anything that feels like abandonment takes you back to that place.  In a mutual, respectful, truly loving relationship, there will be little need for expectations, because the people involved will work so well together and just allow their life and love to flow in such a way that "rules" aren't necessary as a boundaries for protection.  Granted, there will always be a need to communicate needs and desires, but rigid expectations...  Not so much.