Day 343 - Lessons from the Exes

As I've gotten older, I have come to truly appreciate the fact that every person we meet and every relationship that we have is meant to teach us something.  And as I was talking to a friend the other day, she was saying that she had a conversation with her boo, and that conversation taught her much about herself.  Even though she and her boo are currently together, I thought I might take some time to reflect on the people who I have connected with who I am no longer in a relationship with.  I've always found that this kind of reflection can help me to deal with any sort of baggage or whatever that I may have lingering after the relationship is over.  In being able to look at a relationship once some time has passed and reframe things that seemed one way or another in the moment, I can find healing and grow from the lessons that I've learned.  These lessons will come from as far back as high school (when I actually started dating) and deal with people who I was either in an official relationship with or people who were close/significant enough that they may as well have been an ex.

• Compassion, patience, and understanding - every person alive has some kind of issue.  This is not to say that it should be your mission to do major reconstructive surgery on every person that you meet, but it is necessary to understand that you will have to deal with some sort of mess with any person you are in relationship with.  And just as you are dealing with their stuff, they are dealing with yours (in case you weren't aware, you're not perfect either).  It will take patience to work with each other to maneuver the quirks and make things works for both of you.  With patience with yourself and the other person, a bit of understanding as growth takes place, and the compassion to want to help as you are being helped, things will go much smoother. 
• Intimacy is not always about sex, and sex is not always about intimacy - the first time I remember experiencing intimacy in a way that I knew what it was and in a way that provided instant healing was when my best friend at the time sat me on his lap, wrapped his arms around me, and just held me.  I'd had the week from hell, and after he listened to the things plaguing me, he just held me.  Never in my life had anyone done that without trying to "comfort" me in other ways.  And because I trusted him and we shared safe space, I was able to receive the intimacy that he provided.  There are far too many people who confuse sex and intimacy.  I used to be one of those people, thinking that physical contact automatically equated true closeness and affection.  Yet, intimacy is about sharing emotional, mental, and spiritual space with someone.  You can share intimacy with someone who is physically across the world if your souls are connected.
• Just because someone is a good person doesn't mean that they are good for you - I've met and even dated some pretty great people, but the fact that I'm currently single attests to this fact.  I've had conversations with people who say, "so and so is a nice person," "they didn't really do anything for me to break up with them... I just don't feel like we really fit," "they look good on paper," etc.  It's been said that good is the enemy of great, and sometimes, if you settle for someone who is good, then you may miss your "soul mate" or "the one" (depending on which term you prefer to use).  I was in one relationship that was good and that I enjoyed, but I had to end it because it didn't truly fulfill me.  The guy was great, and there's nothing wrong with him at all.  Any woman would be lucky to have him, and he will make a great husband one day, but he just wasn't for me. 
• Timing - timing is everything.  When you meet a person, when you start dating, when you say "I love you," when you have sex, when you open up certain parts of yourself - all of these things require serious discernment and timing.  I didn't use to understand the scripture that said, "don't throw your pearls to the pigs."  I was thinking, of course no one is going to throw something so valuable to animals who won't appreciate it or even mess it up.  But then I realized that it was a metaphor for trusting something precious to someone who isn't able to appreciate it.  This isn't to say that someone is a pig, but disclosing certain things too early in a relationship may make these things hard to appreciate.  If you have sex with someone the first time you meet them, that is opening a door and sharing something that it should take time to appreciate.     
• I'm enough - I was with a guy and he told me he loved me and cared about me and such.  We hadn't known each other very long... in fact, our entire relationship from meeting to break up was less than 6 months. But in that time, he managed to let me know something important.  When he said he loved me, I was confused and I asked him why, because I didn't think I'd done anything to merit such.  He said it wasn't about anything that I did - he loved me for who I was.  This completely blew me away. I'm not sure that I had truly experienced such before.  I was used to doing things to "earn" love, but he let me know that this wasn't necessary.  I could be loved just by being who I am.
• Fear, control, and insecurity are the fastest ways to kill a relationship - I have been in situations in which people's insecurities played a bigger role in their relationship than they did. When you are so afraid that you will lose someone that you do things to try to keep them like changing yourself, modifying your behavior/words, manipulating them, or trying to control/intimidate them, then you have let your insecurities win.  In life, we will all most likely have a pinch of insecurity here and there, but we can typically keep it in check.  But when it consumes your mind and negatively alters your behavior and interactions with others, you need to take a step back and do some soul-searching. You may also want to seek some sort of healing and/or counseling.  I had one relationship where I was so scared to say something stupid (since I'd been told that I did so) that I hardly spoke to my significant other. After a while, he got tired of me not saying anything, and we eventually broke up. I let fear get in the way of a great relationship.  As I said, we all have our issues and baggage, but they don't have to get in the way of us having awesome relationships. Do some self-checking even before you're in a relationship and pay attention to yourself. If jealousy, control, and anger are major issues for you, these may be red flags that you have unresolved stuff to deal with.
• Love is a beautiful thing - at the end of the day, with all I've been through and dealt with (and put other people through) in relationships, I can still conclude without a shadow of a doubt that love is an absolutely beautiful thing.  Even though it takes much to find that right person, to open up your heart and push past walls, to get through their walls, and to get into the same book, much less on the same page, nothing compares to looking into the eyes of someone you love and seeing their heart reflected back into yours.  I remember one such moment, and I will never forget it as long as I live.  It is moments like those that I cherish and hold onto that give me hope when times get tough.  No matter I go through and no matter how hard I have to fight, I will always believe in the power of love. It may hurt and disappoint at times, but in the end, it is still the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.

There's so much more that I could say, because relationships are great teachers, but I think this will suffice for now.  I appreciate every single one of my exes and the time we shared. I don't regret a thing, because it all taught me much about myself, life, love, relationship, and God.