Day 250 - Standards

I was watching a movie the other day, and I was slightly puzzled by some of what I saw.  There was a man who seemed to have a decent following of women, but he was, in my opinion, less than appealing.  Now I definitely try not to make assumptions about people based on how they look, but then his actions confirmed some of what his appearance hinted at.  Of course, this is a movie, and the stereotypes and stock characters were in full effect all over the place, but it got me thinking.  This man had a few women around him, trying to be near him, but he was abusive, less than attractive, and just all around unappealing.  Once again, I'm aware that it's a movie, and the writer(s) placed these people together, but I think it has a strong resemblance to what happens in real life.

How often do we deal with people who are less than ideal for our lives?  I don't want to say beneath us, because I believe that we are all equal - we just have different life experiences and are in different places in our lives.  This is not to say that we cannot learn things from people who are different from us, because I have learned some of my most profound lessons from people who I didn't expect to.  What I'm really getting at is why we allow ourselves to be and stay connected to people who have no idea how to treat us (and very often themselves).  It's one thing to happen upon someone who turns out to be less than awesome and respectful - we all have those experiences where we encounter someone who was great at hiding their true selves.  The issue is when, even upon recognizing that someone is going to treat us a certain no matter what we say, we choose to stay there.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she was talking about types of people who she finds in her life and the fact that she wants to change that.  I believe that the first step to making a change is to recognize the person/people you are dealing with.  Maya Angelou once said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially if you are looking at them through the rose-colored lenses of attraction or puppy love, but the truth behind this statement is immense.  Most people will not change in significant ways, especially if they have been that way for years.  Now, younger people have the benefit of still being more malleable as they are working to find themselves and their identity, but the older you get, the less likely you are to change significantly.  Granted, there is space for forgiveness and grace, but you have to understand that people's actions come out from some place within, and if you're not okay with that place, you may need to move on. 

Thus, if someone shows you that they little respect for females, that will likely remain the case.  Even if they marry a female and have a female child, those prejudices will not likely vanish.  They may have enough sense to treat those close to them with a measure of love and respect, but their overall opinion of women will probably not change.  And if you are trying to be the significant female in this person's life despite seeing this in them, what does that say about how you see yourself?  Maybe you have a desire to change them or you think you can be the one to help them get past those views... But is a romantic relationship the best way to do that?  They may need changing, but why do you have to be the one to change them?  Have you considered what it might cost you to try to transform someone, especially when they haven't asked for your help?

My suggestion is to take a good long look at yourself.  Where are you in your life (mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, financially, etc)?  Where are you trying to go?  Who is closest to you in your life?  (Pick the 5 most influential or connected people - those who get most of your attention, energy, time, money, etc.)  Are they where you are or where you want to be?  Are they contributing more substantial positive to your life than negative (I'm sorry, but an orgasm doesn't count as a substantial positive unless there is more connected to it)?  Are they teaching you meaningful things (about life, yourself, relationships, etc)?  Even if things aren't perfect, do you sense that there is purpose and possibility in the relationship?  If the answers to these questions are not yes, you may need to re-evaluate said relationship.  

While this is not always obvious in the media, the purpose of relationships in our lives is ideally to help you grow into a better, more whole individual.  Mary J. Blige sang one of my favorite lines ever: "your healing is in me, and my healing is in you."  In some way, all of our closest relationships ought to reflect this reality.  It's okay to have acquaintances and such that don't make major contributions to our lives, but the main relationships in our lives ought to be safe spaces where there is at least an understanding of healing and growth on both ends.  Sometimes it will be more in one direction than the other, but overall there should be a balance.  Even with friendships, this should be the case.

I know that I tend to be a caregiver.  For the longest time, it was very difficult for me to allow people to help me or to take care of me.  Thus, a lot of my relationships felt unbalanced.  Some of that was because I wouldn't let people take care of me, but some of that was because people simply took advantage of my giving nature.  I had to learn 2 things: 1. how to let other people do things for me and pour into me, and 2. how to know discern when people were just in my life to take because they knew that I would give.  Once I recognized their motives, I then had to have the strength to let them go (or at least give them much less of my time and energy).  I also know that I have a tendency to see things in people that they don't necessarily see in themselves or to believe the best about people in spite of some evidence to the contrary, and I sometimes relate to them based on that and not where they are.  Because of what I sense, I sometimes ignore what other people would see as red flags.  I have had to learn to be realistic in my relations with people.  This is not to say that I don't give people the benefit of the doubt or allow people to grow, but I still have to be mindful of what a person shows me.

At the end of the day, I'm saying that you have to have standards.  Just because people walk into your life doesn't mean that you need to invite them to sit down and stay.  It's true that sometimes people have purposes in our lives that we can't anticipate upon first meeting them, so it's important not to write anyone off.  At the same time, it is important to be ever discerning as you get to know someone, because people have an amazing way of telling on themselves if you pay attention, even when they are doing their best to portray a certain image.  You have to be willing to recognize things in people and act accordingly for your own sake.  No one can take care of you better than you can, but you have to be willing to do so.  You cannot let just anyone inhabit your most intimate space.  Some people simply can't handle it, and they will treat you badly because they are unable to deal with where you are.  This is not an indictment against them as a bad person - they simply are not equipped to deal with who/where you are. Raise your standards.  Know that you are worth great things.  Treat yourself well, and strive to be a quality person (not just a person with quality things).  Value yourself and be exclusive with your time, your heart, and your life when it comes to close relationships.  Show love to everyone, but only share love with a select few....