Day 253 - The Depths of Her Heart

Because this song refused to leave me alone, I had to take some time with it. I broke it down further, and then I wrote a short story based on it. Maybe now it stop affecting me so deeply…. “And as you cried in my arms, you woke up my heart, and I saw again what I found in you.” As you opened up your being to me – the present manifestation of which is tears – because of your proximity to me (be it physically in my arms or held close to me in relationship), you sparked something in my soul, reawakening me to what is within you and awakening me to new possibilities as it relates to my own heart and capacity to love. “Cuz her heart/love won’t let me lose her. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t say good-bye and lose her.” There’s a depth and a strength in her heart/love that is like a magnetic force. Its energy, which includes an enduring beauty, a deeply comforting peace, and extraordinary healing power, is so awesome and amazing that I know my life would be less whole and complete without it. even though it challenges me and is more than I want to deal with at times, I cannot risk losing it, because it adds such a beauty to my life. Though I have tried to push her away and even seek replacements/substitutes, she consistently loved me, not letting me go or allowing my immaturity or my baggage to deter her love and care. So I will hold on to her and to that heart/love as I let it grow me to a place where I can truly appreciate, receive, and reciprocate it. As I turned back to face her, something in me broke. I couldn’t articulate it, but something was different. She was just as beautiful as ever, and I wasn’t sure what to do in that moment except let her come to me as we both felt things shift. I really liked her, there was no question at all about that that, but I couldn’t… I just couldn’t seem to get it together, to say it, to really show it. I wanted to – trust – but there was so much that stood in my way that I couldn’t even full express or understand…. But I cared about her, and I think she understood that, even though it’d been ages and obstacles since I’d said it. I loved her deeply, and there was nothing I could about it. She looked at me as I held her closer, her beautiful eyes open and sad, silently screaming to me to open up and let her in and love her as we both knew I wanted and needed to. I wanted to push her away and not have to deal with the swelling feelings… but at the same time, I wanted her to be closer than ever as I began to feel what she felt in me. I could see in her eyes that she was picking up the turmoil in my heart, that she wanted to help and hold me, hide me in her tiny arms, and let me be the free, loving person that my heart ached to be…. But I wouldn’t let her… would I? I mean, could I? was I even capable at this point? My heart had been so long wrapped up in its own mess and frustration and pain that I found it difficult to function emotionally on any deep level before things got scary and I would run…. And I’d been good at running… until her. She had a way of pushing me when I pushed and checking me in a way that got me. I loved it, though I wouldn’t admit it to her… not that she didn’t already know. she seemed to know or at least anticipate everything… which is why I just knew she’d somehow orchestrated this moment. Even if she didn’t do anything on purpose to make it happen, I felt like her connection with God had pulled on God’s very heart and opened the doors to have me here. I wasn’t supposed to be here right now, in this moment, feeling this way, looking into her eyes, which I just knew were gonna explode with tears at any moment. I loved her, but I didn’t want to do this – be this open, make this move, have to face the demons that stood at the gate of my heart and my so-called security. With her, I’d attempted to let go, but there was so much more that I needed to let go of and release, and I wasn’t sure if I could… if I was ready for that. But as I looked into her beautiful eyes, and I began to catch her silent tears with my hand, it began. Down in the deepest part of me, I felt something. It was indescribable except to say that it was powerful, rumbling like thunder inside me. I wanted to run or break free or do something… anything…. But I couldn’t get free. I was stuck in her eyes, feeling myself being drawn out of my own depths and from behind my own walls, pushing past everything as I began to come to the surface of my own life. I couldn’t stop it if I tried, and I felt my entire being swelling with this magic, this strength, this strange power – like it was infecting me, inhabiting me, taking me over, and changing everything in and around me. I wanted to run, but as I began to ease into it and let it settle over me, I could feel a shift. Her heart beating against my chest became strangely apparent, and I was truly aware of it for the first time. Her heart… the thing that had me standing here praying for transformation and thankfully receiving it. it was her heart and her energy and her love that led me not just into her arms but into the arms of the One who truly loved me and who was changing me now through her heart and her touch. She was one powerful woman, and I was thankful that she loved me. I couldn’t… wouldn’t have event tried except for… well, her heart. Her heart had opened to me long ago and had been faithfully there no matter what. Through ups and downs and other women, through more than anyone should have to endure… all because she loved me and she was trusting God to do this in me. That’s when I knew, when I realized that her focus was me being better and not just being her boo. I cared about her, and “as she cried in my arms, she woke up my heart” to what Love is and love is supposed to be…. As I vowed before God in that moment to be a changed person, I pulled her closer and began to release my own liquid emotions…. Down, down, down they poured, landing in her hair as I buried my face there and held on to her for dear life, never wanting to let go for anything. She was truly my joy and life in that moment, and I couldn’t imagine anything else more beautiful than what she was sharing with me. It was the definition of intimacy in this space between us and God – this place of love where my darkness and turmoil were giving way to light…. I’d simply needed to be semi willing and let her give me what she been trying to give me since we met – love. I was thankful for her. She had just changed my life, and I was enthralled… fascinated by this beautiful woman who had opened me with a hug and her openness in tears. As we eventually untangled ourselves from the thick emotions and spiritual energy flowing around us, I found her eyes again. Though slightly red from the tears, they held a love and a peace and a joy that sent a wave through my body. I knew that she loved me, and I’d never seen it more plainly than I did in her eyes right then…. I wanted to forever capture that, but for some reason, I felt that I would be seeing it for a long time to come… I love her.