Day 346 - After Tonight

So I'm sitting at my desk at work with my Jill Scott station on Pandora playing in the background when I hear this song.  I've never heard it nor have I heard of the artist, but it struck me.  As one who spends much time looking at the sky/stars, I can appreciate some of the lines.  And as I listened to the rest of it, I just had to smile... and then blog about it.
"There's something in your eyes - is everything alright?  You look up to the sky.  You long for something more, Darling.  Give me your right hand, I think I understand.  Follow me and you will never have to wish again."  The singer seems to be sharing a moonlit moment with someone he cares about who is staring off into space with longing in her eyes. He is saying that he recognizes the longing, and he wants to help fulfill it. As little kids, we are taught to wish upon the stars for our heart's desires.
"I know that after tonight, you don't have to look up at the stars, no no no no.  And I know by the end of tonight, you don't have to look up at the stars.  And I know if the love is alright, you don't have to look up at the stars, no no no no.  I know by the end of tonight, you don't have to look up at the stars, No no no no no no no no no."  The singer is saying that, if all goes well, she won't have to look to the stars to wish anymore, because she will have what she's been longing for. He is willing and able, offering to provide love and care that can help touch the longing in her heart.
"Tell me how you feel and if I'm getting near.  I'll tell you where to steer.  You tell me where to steer, Darling.  Way above the clouds and high above the stars, through the unknown black holes, no one knows where we are.  But we'll return to earth, and do it all over again."  This verse is beautiful, because it talks about the give and take necessary in a caring relationship. He is suggesting a cooperative partnership in which both parties share their feelings with the other and help guide the other in order to lead to the best possible outcome for them both. And because of the way they work together, they will find an indescribable love and ecstasy that can return to over and over again as they grow together in love.
"Now come away with me, come fly away with me just for one night.  No one will ever know, no no no, Darling.  I will leave you satisfied, forever past time.  You don't have to hide.  You're free to fly."  He is asking her to trust him for the night. If things go well, it can become a continuous thing. He desires to create a space in which she can be free and be herself. He doesn't want her to be shy or inhibited, but he wants her to be open to all he can provide for her. Without openness, she won't be able to receive all that he can give.

Day 345 - Timothy Hawkins

Today's entry is dedicated to one of my favorite people who I've had the privilege of knowing his entire life - Timothy Hawkins.  I'm told that I asked for a little sibling, and on this day 22 years ago, my request was granted.  I've always loved this little guy, and we got along pretty well growing up.  Sure we had those brother-sister fight moments, but for the most part, we were happy playmates.  Mom says one of his earliest words was "Ah-dix" (something resembling Alex).  And because he likes food as much as I do, "grips" (also known as Grits) was in there somewhere.
He's always been a laid-back, kindhearted guy.  Though most of the time he's quiet, there is no lack of thought or intelligence behind those big brown eyes.  He's a good kid, and I've always been glad to call him my little brother.  I used to call him Skinny (yes, I'm aware of the irony, but we were both twigs back in the day), but he has grown into a big strong young man, and now I'm the skinny one.  I also ended up shorter than him somehow.... so he calls me his little big sister now.
I must say that this birthday is a special one, because the fact that he is still here after the accident he had in December is truly a God-given miracle.  Seeing my little brother push and work to overcome his injuries has been an inspiration to me, and I'm so proud of him for all that he has accomplished, even before the accident.
So, to my favorite little brother - I love you, Tim.  Thank you for being beautiful you.

Day 344 - Instrument

As I was pondering life and relationships tend to function, I thought about how we should probably do more to think about how what we do affects others.  I thought about the fact that we make choices every minute of every day, and the little things we do can that change someone else's life.  In thinking about this, I recalled a poem that I once read (and had posted on my wall).  When thinking about how I want to relate to the people in my life, be it my most intimate relationships, people I work with, people I just meet, etc, I figured this would be a good basis. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. 
Where there is hatred, let me sow love. 
Where there is injury, pardon. 
Where there is doubt, faith. 
Where there is despair, hope. 
Where there is darkness, light. 
Where there is sadness, joy. 
O Divine Master, 
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; 
to be understood, as to understand; 
to be loved, as to love. 
For it is in giving that we receive. 
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, 
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. 
Amen.

There are plenty of people live everyday with the residue of things like hate, injury, doubt, despair, darkness, sadness, grief, misunderstanding, and so much more.  The problem is that a lot of people don't know it or actively acknowledge it.  Even still, it affects them and greatly influences their behavior.  As a person who cares to make the most of relationships and care for people in whatever capacity possible, I see it as essential to be intentional about all of our interactions.  While it is not always possible to dramatically change someone's life in a single interaction or even in a relationship, it is essential to think about how you treat others.  We may not always have all of our stuff together, but we should always try to bring whatever positive light we can into someone else's life. 
Even if all we can do is to care enough of ourselves to keep what we are still battling from hurting others, we have gone a long way in helping the world.  You may not always know what ill is affecting someone else, but showing some small kindness can ease any ill that anyone is facing.  We all have the potential to be agents of healing - we just have to be willing to do so.  In humbling ourselves and desiring to care for someone outside ourselves, we can bring about healing in ourselves as we care for someone else.  I'm not saying you have to be a shrink for everyone you meet, but do your best to bring life and/or not bring hurt to others. 

Day 343 - Lessons from the Exes

As I've gotten older, I have come to truly appreciate the fact that every person we meet and every relationship that we have is meant to teach us something.  And as I was talking to a friend the other day, she was saying that she had a conversation with her boo, and that conversation taught her much about herself.  Even though she and her boo are currently together, I thought I might take some time to reflect on the people who I have connected with who I am no longer in a relationship with.  I've always found that this kind of reflection can help me to deal with any sort of baggage or whatever that I may have lingering after the relationship is over.  In being able to look at a relationship once some time has passed and reframe things that seemed one way or another in the moment, I can find healing and grow from the lessons that I've learned.  These lessons will come from as far back as high school (when I actually started dating) and deal with people who I was either in an official relationship with or people who were close/significant enough that they may as well have been an ex.

• Compassion, patience, and understanding - every person alive has some kind of issue.  This is not to say that it should be your mission to do major reconstructive surgery on every person that you meet, but it is necessary to understand that you will have to deal with some sort of mess with any person you are in relationship with.  And just as you are dealing with their stuff, they are dealing with yours (in case you weren't aware, you're not perfect either).  It will take patience to work with each other to maneuver the quirks and make things works for both of you.  With patience with yourself and the other person, a bit of understanding as growth takes place, and the compassion to want to help as you are being helped, things will go much smoother. 
• Intimacy is not always about sex, and sex is not always about intimacy - the first time I remember experiencing intimacy in a way that I knew what it was and in a way that provided instant healing was when my best friend at the time sat me on his lap, wrapped his arms around me, and just held me.  I'd had the week from hell, and after he listened to the things plaguing me, he just held me.  Never in my life had anyone done that without trying to "comfort" me in other ways.  And because I trusted him and we shared safe space, I was able to receive the intimacy that he provided.  There are far too many people who confuse sex and intimacy.  I used to be one of those people, thinking that physical contact automatically equated true closeness and affection.  Yet, intimacy is about sharing emotional, mental, and spiritual space with someone.  You can share intimacy with someone who is physically across the world if your souls are connected.
• Just because someone is a good person doesn't mean that they are good for you - I've met and even dated some pretty great people, but the fact that I'm currently single attests to this fact.  I've had conversations with people who say, "so and so is a nice person," "they didn't really do anything for me to break up with them... I just don't feel like we really fit," "they look good on paper," etc.  It's been said that good is the enemy of great, and sometimes, if you settle for someone who is good, then you may miss your "soul mate" or "the one" (depending on which term you prefer to use).  I was in one relationship that was good and that I enjoyed, but I had to end it because it didn't truly fulfill me.  The guy was great, and there's nothing wrong with him at all.  Any woman would be lucky to have him, and he will make a great husband one day, but he just wasn't for me. 
• Timing - timing is everything.  When you meet a person, when you start dating, when you say "I love you," when you have sex, when you open up certain parts of yourself - all of these things require serious discernment and timing.  I didn't use to understand the scripture that said, "don't throw your pearls to the pigs."  I was thinking, of course no one is going to throw something so valuable to animals who won't appreciate it or even mess it up.  But then I realized that it was a metaphor for trusting something precious to someone who isn't able to appreciate it.  This isn't to say that someone is a pig, but disclosing certain things too early in a relationship may make these things hard to appreciate.  If you have sex with someone the first time you meet them, that is opening a door and sharing something that it should take time to appreciate.     
• I'm enough - I was with a guy and he told me he loved me and cared about me and such.  We hadn't known each other very long... in fact, our entire relationship from meeting to break up was less than 6 months. But in that time, he managed to let me know something important.  When he said he loved me, I was confused and I asked him why, because I didn't think I'd done anything to merit such.  He said it wasn't about anything that I did - he loved me for who I was.  This completely blew me away. I'm not sure that I had truly experienced such before.  I was used to doing things to "earn" love, but he let me know that this wasn't necessary.  I could be loved just by being who I am.
• Fear, control, and insecurity are the fastest ways to kill a relationship - I have been in situations in which people's insecurities played a bigger role in their relationship than they did. When you are so afraid that you will lose someone that you do things to try to keep them like changing yourself, modifying your behavior/words, manipulating them, or trying to control/intimidate them, then you have let your insecurities win.  In life, we will all most likely have a pinch of insecurity here and there, but we can typically keep it in check.  But when it consumes your mind and negatively alters your behavior and interactions with others, you need to take a step back and do some soul-searching. You may also want to seek some sort of healing and/or counseling.  I had one relationship where I was so scared to say something stupid (since I'd been told that I did so) that I hardly spoke to my significant other. After a while, he got tired of me not saying anything, and we eventually broke up. I let fear get in the way of a great relationship.  As I said, we all have our issues and baggage, but they don't have to get in the way of us having awesome relationships. Do some self-checking even before you're in a relationship and pay attention to yourself. If jealousy, control, and anger are major issues for you, these may be red flags that you have unresolved stuff to deal with.
• Love is a beautiful thing - at the end of the day, with all I've been through and dealt with (and put other people through) in relationships, I can still conclude without a shadow of a doubt that love is an absolutely beautiful thing.  Even though it takes much to find that right person, to open up your heart and push past walls, to get through their walls, and to get into the same book, much less on the same page, nothing compares to looking into the eyes of someone you love and seeing their heart reflected back into yours.  I remember one such moment, and I will never forget it as long as I live.  It is moments like those that I cherish and hold onto that give me hope when times get tough.  No matter I go through and no matter how hard I have to fight, I will always believe in the power of love. It may hurt and disappoint at times, but in the end, it is still the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.

There's so much more that I could say, because relationships are great teachers, but I think this will suffice for now.  I appreciate every single one of my exes and the time we shared. I don't regret a thing, because it all taught me much about myself, life, love, relationship, and God.  

Day 342 - When Love isn't Enough Part 2

One of my friends posted a status today that said, "A reminder from my dear friend: Sometimes love just isn't enough!!" and it made me think about the fact that I reflected on this notion in a previous blog entry.  The previous entry spoke about the fact that love isn't enough to keep a relationship when there is not sufficient compatibility to make the everyday stuff work.  At this juncture, I should also probably say that in the previous entry, I addressed love in the romantic sense as not being the only thing necessary to keep a relationship together, and I stand by that.  I can have love for someone, but that doesn't mean that a romantic relationship between us would work.  But as I read over that entry, I thought about more reasons why love might not be enough.  Now, those who've read my blog already know that I think love is the most powerful force on earth, and that it has the power to overcome anything.  Yet, because there are some forces that are just about as strong as love, unfortunately, love doesn't always end up being the victor.  This, of course, is based on our choice of whether or not we allow love to do its thing and overcome all, as it has the power to do.

Love isn't enough when...

• You let fear hinder you - it doesn't matter how much I love someone, if I hold on to the fear that I have instead of embracing the love that they are offering, all the love in the world won't make a difference.  So someone could be offering to love me past my pain, to care for me and do all the things I ever wanted, but if I'm so afraid that I don't let them in, love isn't enough.  In this case, trust is necessary to open up to receive the love that is being offered.  Even though the love being offered has the power to bring about the desired healing and help the fear dissolve, love in and of itself isn't enough to make that happen.
• The person refuses to change - if I love someone and want to be with them, but they have X habit or desire that keeps us from being able to be together (because I refuse to share them with said habit), love isn't enough to get the person to change. They may even love me, but depending on the level of love they have and the hold that said habit/desire has on them, love alone may not be enough.  For example, if the person I love sleeps with everyone who crosses their path because they are insecure or otherwise seeking to be fulfilled, all the love that I have to offer won't be able to fill that void.  They have to love themselves enough to fill the void and love me enough to want to be committed.  And, of course, the mindset much change because that will change the behavior. But without the desire to change, love won't be able to motivate or power the change.
• There has been too much hurt - in any relationship, there will be numerous disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't because everyone on earth is malicious and intent on hurting the people they love.  This is because we are human and we all have expectations/desires that won't always be fulfilled.  But the reason that relationships last is because these minor infractions are far outweighed by the positives and the love felt in the relationship. The problem comes when the hurts continue to happen and they begin to outweigh the positive. No matter how much I love someone, I will only let them hurt and/or abuse me for so long before my love for myself kicks in, and I say no.  It doesn't matter how much I love them or how much I know they love me - love will only cover so much hurt.  Eventually the person being hurt in the relationship will begin to withdraw their heart/love out of self-preservation, and it will take some real love, commitment, and change in order to bring that heart back out.
• There is no discernible future - now I hesitate with this last one, because sometimes it can be hard to tell when there is a future or not.  That can be why people hold on to things that need to be released or why people let go too quickly of something that does indeed have potential.  As much as I'd love to provide a simple answer or formula for how to know when a relationship has reached its end, I can't.  Relationships vary as much as the people in them.  There are relationships that start easily and just continue on into eternity.  There are relationships that go through considerable ups and downs, and they take the strength it took to get through such to keep them together.  There are relationships that start quickly and end quickly.  There are relationships that start, pause (for any amount of time), and then come back together as if nothing ever happened or stronger because of it.  So it's impossible to say when something is truly to be over.  But I can say that when something is supposed to end, all the love in the world won't be able to change that.  You can try to force it to stay and to fit, but in the end, you end up making yourself and the other person miserable. Unfortunately, we tend to spend a lot of time in this portion of a relationship, because letting go is extremely hard.  Sometimes a season ends, and even if the love for the person continues, the relationship might not, or the relationship might take on a different form.  Either way, all the love in your heart won't make something work that isn't supposed to. 

In essence, love isn't enough when you're not willing to let it be.  I may love someone with all my heart, but if they are not willing to work through things, receive said love, make the necessary changes, treat me with the necessary love/respect, or even get beyond their past and such, it won't make a difference.  Love is a great force with powerful potential, and I have seen some people love other folks through and out of some serious situations... but there has to be a willingness to accept the love.  I can love a brick wall, but no amount of love that I have will melt that brick wall, and it's similar with a person.  I can love someone and invest all of my time, resources, energy, and self into them, but without their willingness to receive, I may as well be loving that brick wall.  And at times like that, self-love needs to shift into overdrive and move me on so I can take care of myself. 

Day 341 - Only One for Me

Typically when I'm writing, I will push "play" on iTunes and let the shuffle do the rest if I don't really know what I wanna listen to.  When I do, I tend to discover gems like this that I haven't listened to in forever that need a little blog action.  So here goes.
"You say you've seen too many things that turned out to be too good to be true, against your better judgment, opened up your heart, till you found the joke was on you. Looking out on the rest of our lives, if we're gonna be together or apart, about the only way I know how to come is right straight from my heart." The singer is dealing with someone who has been hurt more times than she cares to count, and it's probably done something to her heart.  She's taken the chance to be open, to risk love, and she ended up with egg on her face and her heart in her hand.  Yet, as the singer is taking time to assess what he wants - presumably to be with her - he is saying that such will not happen with him, because he only knows how to be honest and come from his heart when dealing with her.
"I want you now, I'll show you how I can be the man you need me to be. I've been around, but now I've found that you're the only one for me." In the chorus, he says that he wants to be with her.  He wants a chance to prove that he can be for her what others have not been.  Even though he's had his share of women (and possibly even some while they've been together), he has come to recognize that no one else can compare to her, and he's ready to give up all others, declaring her to be the only one for him.
"Say you'll never fall again, you won't subject yourself to such pain. If you give me half a chance I will, I'll never leave you standing out in the rain. But if you think that I could look you in your face and lie right through my teeth, then turn around and walk away. But cross my heart, girl, I care for you, and when I look into your eyes and I say..." The person that the singer is dealing with has decided to shut herself and her heart off from love, having had too many painful experiences in the past.  This is understandable, because the pain we can endure from the side effects of love can be unbearable. But the singer is offering her his love, promising to be there for her and not to leave her as others have done.  Presumably they know each other enough that she should be able to trust him, because he challenges her by saying that if she really thinks that he can look her in the face and lie to her about the way he feels, then she should walk away now.  He may also be challenging her ability to trust in general, because most people who have been hurt find it very difficult to trust their hearts to people in the future.  Either way, he is crossing his heart - in essence, promising before God - that his words and feelings are true, especially as he stands before her and looks into her eyes, seeing the beauty and the need of the one he loves.
"I need you so. I can't let go. I'm gonna be all that I can be. I want you still - I always will, cuz you're the only one for me."  In what I'll call the second half of the chorus, he says that he not only wants her, but he needs her in his life, and he refuses to lose someone who cares about so dearly. He says that he is going to be all that he can be for her, because he knows that she deserves and because she is worth the investment. When you find the one you truly want, you should be willing to do whatever you need to do to make them part of your life. He says he wants her still, even through any number of things that they may have faced and gone through, and he won't change his mind on that, because he believes that she is the only one for him.

Day 340 - Til Death Do Us Part

As I was talking my morning walk yesterday before church, I walked by a yard where an elderly couple was tending their garden together.  Seeing this made me smile....  You see, there used to be a time in my life when I wondered if I wanted to be married and grow old with someone, if that was even possible for me.  Well, in my last relationship - even though we aren't together anymore - I realized that this was not only possible but that it was something that I did truly want.  This couple, who I can imagine have been through years of ups and downs, have built something beautiful.  The kind of strength, love, and patience that it takes to love someone until "death do us part" are remarkable to me.  The friendship and companionship that are required to make it beyond the romantic phase of things....
While I realized long ago that "happily ever after" doesn't really exist, because life happens, and at some point, you won't necessarily be happy in the ever after, that doesn't mean that two people can't find happiness together for years to come.  As I watched the elderly couple talk and share in that brief moment that I was passing their house, I was encouraged.  I hope to one day share that with someone, and if you desire that, I pray that you get that as well.  With things like commitment, love, patience, compatibility, honesty, friendship, trust, and much understanding, we can all have our own "till death do us part" if we desire.

Day 339 - Say it with Your Actions

I think that the shuffle feature in iTunes is one of the best things ever. When I don't know what I want to listen to, I let "shuffle" find something for me.  Today, it found this gem that I'd forgotten about...
"Say it with your actions - saying those words to me doesn't mean anything. I don't wanna hear them. Baby, you can keep those three, you might as well not even speak."  It's clear that the singer has been in a relationship in which there have been a lot of words, especially "I love you," but things are such that she'd rather not even hear those words anymore.  She wants her love to show the love with actions rather than just saying it all the time.  The words have been used so much, especially alongside questionable relational practices, that the words have become meaningless in light of what she has seen and experienced.
"Many different times before you were almost out the door, then you'd say it and I'd forgive everything. Well I'm sorry to report that's not working anymore. Now I need to see if that's really what you mean. No more "I'm sorry," "I love you." I need proof. Baby boy, it's all in what you do. "I love you" - if it's true, baby boy, it's all in what you do."  She has been to the point of leaving/putting him out, but then he would say "I love you," and she would forgive and take him back.  Unfortunately (for him), these words have become sweet nothings, and she no longer wants to just hear that.  She doesn't want apologies or sweet words - she's at the point where she needs him to prove that he actually loves her.  If he can't do something to show that his love is as real as his words, then she has nothing more to say to him and she will have to let him go.
"Say it with your actions, say it in the way you touch and the things that you do for us. I don't wanna be mean, but when it comes to this love, saying it ain't enough."  She wants not just words but actions and affection to show the love that he is professing.  She's not disregarding words or negating their importance, but she has gotten to the point that if she is going to continue to invest her time, heart, and emotions in this situation, then she will need more than just words as a return on her investment.  If he's not showing it, then his words are basically a lie.  She needs more.  Anyone can profess love, but it takes true love to show it.
"It's in what you, it's, it's in what you do. It's in what you, it's all in what you do." For her, love is not rhetoric - it's the actions that come out of the feeling within.  If there are no actions to back up the words, then the words are just that.  And who wants to invest their entire being in just some words without being shown and given some proof of what has been said.  Words don't pay bills, keep you warm at night, or take care of anything except itching ears.  But if there is no actual love, don't say it as a a means of manipulating someone to do what you want.