Day 241 - For You I Will?

Now, it might seem a bit strange that the question mark is there, but go with me.  When most people see this title, they will most likely think about the song by Monica, and I will say that it was her song that inspired my entry.  As I was taking some time to rest my brain a bit from my schoolwork, this song played in the background and happened to cross some of what I was thinking about from an earlier conversation.  Love, by its very nature, is a giving thing.  If what you feel doesn’t inspire you to give something in some way, it is not love.  So, it’s not surprising that a song like this is popular and touching, because anyone who has ever loved has most likely been willing to give all of themselves to/for the one they love. 

Don’t get me wrong – I am a fan of this song, and I have no desire to bash it.  But being the person I am, since I got a different from it within the context of a conversation that was bouncing around in my head, I felt like I should share.  While the whole song is a testament to the lengths that the singer is willing to go for in the name of love, the last line of the first verse and bits of the chorus were what struck me as I reflected.

“There is nothing I won’t do.  I will cross the ocean for you.  I will go and bring you the moon.  I will be your hero, your strength – anything you need.  I will be the sun in your sky.  I will light your way for all time.  Promise you, for you I will.” 

As I reflected on the conversation, I began to wonder just what I would be willing to do for love, what people in general are willing to do for love.  Would we really do ANYTHING as the words to the song indicate?  What is "reasonable" and what are we willing to give for love?  As I often share with one of my sisters, “if we had known in the beginning all that it would take, we wouldn’t have agreed to it.”  How many people at the beginning of a relationship can see exactly where it’s going, the twists and turns that it will take, what it will require/take from them, and where it will “end up”?  If you have this ability, please let me know, because there are some relationships in my life that I’d like some clarity on….  But in all seriousness, we rarely know the particularities of a relationship at the beginning, even if we have a sense of the broad strokes.  And I’d wager that if you were able to see every tear you’d cry, every insecure thought, every frustration, every argument, every “Emotional Rollercoaster” moment and every “Hate That I Love You” day, you might shy away from it…. 

Maybe I’ve made this point before in my blog, but I feel I’ve come to a new appreciation for what love costs….  If you are taking the time to really build something with someone, no matter what the relationship, it will likely challenge you in ways that you don’t expect (and may not want).  I have a friend who finds herself in a relational situation that she would advise anyone else against but that she herself feels called by Love to persevere in.  Now, hers is not an abusive situation nor is it one in which she is staying because of obligation or because they’ve been together so long that she’s stuck, so don’t think that I’m advocating any of that, but it is one that has required a lot of her since it began, pushing and growing her in some unconventional (but interestingly effective) ways.  I don’t envy her, but I can appreciate the fact that love has a way of calling us beyond our preconceived notions, superficial boundaries, and expectations into its vast, unending, beautiful depths.

But while I have seen the struggles she has endured in loving within this divine assignment, I can also see the glow of love that this situation has given her.  It is undeniable the difference that this challenging situation has made for/in her.  So while it’s something that she would likely tell me to avoid if I found myself facing a similar situation because of all that it has taken to push through, she has grown, gaining things like patience, strength, trust (in the other person, her own instincts, and God), love, and more.  She has truly begun to understand what it means to say “for you I will” in ways that aren’t necessarily laid out in the song.  It’s one thing to stick by someone who is going through something.  It’s another thing entirely to stick by someone when they are in a difficult space and when the most you have to go on is “a faith that resides in your gut and a love like nothing you’ve ever felt.” 

But even if your situation isn’t as deep and complex as all that, love does tend to ask a lot of us.  O, but the good news is that for as much as love asks, it gives back that much more.  So what am I saying?  I’m saying that love in its realest form is a costly venture, but it is well worth the investment.  When you find something that truly speaks to your entire being with the sweet whispers of real love, I would encourage you to invest yourself… even if it doesn’t end in a “happily ever after,” there is a beauty in being able to taste genuine love.

Day 240 - 1+1

I absolutely LOVE this song.  It speaks to a sense of love that... well, let's just see.

“If I ain't got nothing, I got you.  If I ain't got something, I don't give a damn, cuz I got it with you.  I don't know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two.  And it's me and you - that's all we'll have when the world is through."  The singer starts by acknowledging that if she has nothing else in the world, she would have her love.  Even if she didn't have a dime to her name or she didn't have her fame, it wouldn't matter, because she would have her love by her side.  As simple as it is, the only thing she seems to know is that 1 (her) + 1 (her love) = 2, and that's all the math that her world requires.  So even when all else falls apart, that 1+1 is all that she will need to hold to, because that can be counted on.

“Cuz baby we ain't got nothing without love.  Darling, you got enough for the both of us, so come on baby, make love to me.  When my days look low, pull me in close and don't let me go - make love to me.  So when the world's at war, let our love heal us all.  [Help me let down my guard].  Right now baby, make love to me.” She recognizes that this life and existence are nothing without love.  She sees that her love has love enough to cover them both, and so she asks her love to share that with her, expressing it in an intimate form that connects them physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  (Making love is not just about having sex - it's about opening up a space in which love is created and shared, even if physical intercourse is not involved.)  She recognizes that love has the power to heal, support, and reinvigorate, so when she has a day that drains her, she asks for the comfort and care of her love to pour back into her.  And when love matures and grows, it has the capacity to affect more than the initial two participants.  Love can be the thing that brings healing to the world, even the love that starts between two people.  Love for my boo can motivate me to push for a better world for our love and for the generations that will follow us.  Another one of the beauties of love is that it has the capacity for great healing.  The singer is recognizing that even in this space of love, she still has room to grow, so she asks her love to help her become more open and vulnerable so that they may share love more deeply.  And a good love (and lover) will be able to create safe space so that it can happen for both people as they work together on their love.
“Hey, I don't know much about guns but I, I've been shot by you.  And I don't know when I'm gonna die but I hope that I'm gonna die by you.  And I don't know much about fighting but I, I know I will fight for you.  And just when I ball up my fists I realize, I'm laying right next to you.”  There is something about love that can feel deeply piercing and impacting.  While I've never been shot, but if a bullet can travel 700mph, I would imagine that it's something you would feel for a while.  Love, though ideally much less painful, is something that has a way of making itself felt, especially when you are open to it.  And she loves her love to the point that she wants to live and die by her love.  And, even in her limited understanding, she is willing to fight for that love.  When she thinks about her love, a passion rises within her such that she would spring into action, but then she is able to see that her love is right there, and she can rest in that.  She sees that even though she is willing to fight (and sometimes within a relationship, you have to do some fighting and some pushing), she doesn't have to.

Day 239 - Bruce Almighty

 
The first minute of this video clip is the crucial part.  This was a comical movie about what it'd be like to be God, as I'm sure that at some point, we have all wanted to be God and make things happen in our lives.  But this scene is one that touched me as I watched it, because it speaks to a depth true about real love.  The conversation between God and Bruce goes as follows.

God: Come on.  What do you really care about?
Bruce: Grace.

God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now - through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

Here he is standing in the face of God, able to ask for anything in the world, and the thing he cares about the most in the world is the woman he loves.  It wasn't getting a better job (something he'd been trying to do) or riches or fame - it was the connection and love of a woman who meant a great deal to him.  And so he has the opportunity to ask for her back, because God clearly has the power to orchestrate things and place her back in his life.  [How often do we ask God to or even place ourselves in the path of a person or a thing to make things happen?]
But the tremendous thing is that when God asks if he wants her back, he says "no."  Now, is he saying that he doesn't want to be with her?  No.  He would happily have her back, but he knows that he has messed up, so he's unsure as to whether that will happen, and he doesn't want her forced or maneuvered into his life.  He acknowledges that she deserves the best, and so he says, "I want her to be happy no matter what that means."  He recognizes that he might not be the best for her, so he is willing to give her up.  He says, "I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me."  This is a big step.  How many of us would be willing to love someone enough to let them good when we recognize that we cannot provide what they need.  Many of us would desire to hold onto them because of what they do for us and because we want to be with them.  In our selfishness in wanting what they provide for us, we hold on and typically do more harm to them. 
Bruce has recognized that he couldn't love her as she deserved to be loved, so he prays that God will provide her with someone who can do that.  He then says, "I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now - through Your eyes."  This shows that Bruce has grown.  He no longer just loves her for the sake of loving her or out of his own needs and desires.  He has come to a way of relating to her that reflects a deeper understanding of Love.  Since God is love, seeing someone through God's eyes enables us to see that person more as they are as opposed to what they mean to us or what we need from them.  When you are willing to see the whole of a person, you are better able to discern that you may not be a good fit for them or how to better love and interact with them.  You might discern that they need a friend more than they need a boyfriend/girlfriend at a given point.  And when you love that person as they deserve, you can apply what you have discerned and act according to their needs despite the feelings that you may have for them.  This is not to say that we will always need to back away in situations like this.  It may mean that we have to change our mindsets/behaviors.  We may need to re-prioritize or treat this person better.  Whatever the case may be, love will typically inspire us to want to change something in order to make things better for all involved.
It is because Bruce came to this realization that God affirms him, saying that what he said, with his heart toward another person in the interest of Love, is prayer in the truest sense.  I believe that this is the heart of love - when you can see enough into another person and into yourself to do what is best for them even when that is not what you desire to do.
*I should say as a note that we can sometimes feel that we are not worthy of the love/relationship we have with a person.  This is not the feeling that I want you to act out of.  Relationships have a way of healing and growing us if we let them.  But what I am saying is that we have to be willing to let go of someone in order to truly love them.  If you are not willing to even consider letting go of someone when you know that you could potentially hurt them with your actions/habits, then you have made that person your possession, and you don't actually love them.  Again, this doesn't mean you have to leave them, because relationships are 2-way streets, and you should give the other person the consideration to decide if they want you in their lives.  What I am saying is that, if in your own messy space, you don't have the thought or desire to release them out of concern for their health and heart, you may need to reconsider some things about how you see that person...

Day 238 - Moon v. Stars

When I saw this the other day on Facebook, I knew I had to share it immediately.  And, of course, it made sense to blog about it since it hit me the way it did.  A couple days ago, I blogged about Beyonce's "Love on Top," and it seems to echo the essence of that song.  If you're unaware, the song is about a woman whose love has now embraced her as the most part of his life, putting her love at the top of his priority list.  So as I read this, I think it hit the same place in me.  Everyone wants to feel like a priority in someone's life, especially when you have made that person a priority in your life.  But it can be easy to take people for granted.  When we feel like a person will always be there - they have shown themselves to be faithful and devoted and loving no matter what - then we may decide that it's okay to relax in the relationship, putting in less effort, because we just know that the person isn't going anywhere. 
But this simple quotation reminds us that every person has an expiration date.  Alicia Keys has a line in a song called Lesson Learned that speaks to this reality: "You give it one more chance, just like the time before, but he already know you'd give a hundred more, until that night in bed - you wake up in a sweat, you're racing to the door, can't take it anymore."  When someone knows that we aren't going anywhere and they have a mind to do what they want in a relationship, they have no motivation to change their behavior or treat us any better.  Yet, a time will typically come when we come to ourselves (no matter how long that takes), and we realize that we deserve more, which pushes us to change/leave a troublesome situation.
So be sure that you know who is who and what is what in your life.  Whether that means spending more time with your family, evaluating and investing more in your friendships, showing your significant other more love, or even taking better care of yourself, learn how to prioritize before the person makes the decision for you.  You don't want to end up with regrets.  While I love the stars myself, the night sky would be a pale comparison without the moon.

Day 237 - Memories

So after knocking out 3 entries yesterday, I decided to keep the flowing, and I asked one of my sisters what to write about today.  She said, "memories," and after I pondered for a bit, the juices started flowing.  [I will take more suggestions for entries to challenge myself, so feel free to hit me up with suggestions and I'll see what I can do.]
Memory plays a powerful role in relationships.  Anniversaries are built around the memory and celebration of a significant day in the life of a relationship.  The capacity to reach into our minds and recall/relive a beautiful moment can bring a smile and a warmth to our hearts.  This can be especially true in times when things aren't ideal.  Maybe your loved one is away, or maybe you are experiencing a tough stretch in the relationship.  At times, it can be necessary to draw upon memories of the better times to remember why you are together in the first place.  And memories don't even have to be about relationships.  I like to remember simpler times in my life and put things in perspective.  I like to recall moments when God moved and find hope in the midst of trying times.  
But as with everything, I have to advise balance, because living in the memories can steal or even distort the present.  I heard a preacher once say that present difficulties can make us romanticize our  past and view the present in a worse light.  Her example was the Israelites who were currently in the wilderness.  They saw their current place (hungry in the wilderness) as so bad that they longed for the past (slavery).  Because the past is so much further away than the present staring us in the face, it's easy to get swept away by the imagined beauty.  I know that there are times when I wish I was back in undergrad, because there were some amazing times and experiences in my life....  But in reality, I am so much freer now, and I know so much more than I did then.  So as much as I enjoyed that time, you couldn't pay me to go back, because where I am now (even with its issues and hiccups) is better than where I was. 
Another potential hazard with memories is that they can be so potent that they shape our mind and behavior.  Yes, there are probably events in your life (good and bad) that have changed your view on things or your way of thinking, but holding on to those memories can do more harm than good.  This can be especially true if you are looking at the event in a way that doesn't properly reflect what happened.  For example, my dad worked a lot when I was a kid.  I interpreted this as him not loving me, because he didn't spend time with me.  As an adult, I understand that it's necessary for adults to work.  It wasn't a personal indictment on me, but for a long time, I saw it that way.  So, even though I remembered things a certain way, that didn't reflect reality, and it gave me skewed view of life until I corrected it. 
So, I say enjoy your memories.  Look through pictures.  Read through old journals.  I know that doing so helps me to remember the beauty that life has brought me (even in the painful times).  It also helps me to see how far I've come.  It helps me to appreciate the people and things in my life.  It helps me to appreciate the person I've become and the growth I've experienced.  Just remember that you have to live in the present. 

Day 236 - Coloring Outside the Lines

Looking at the above picture, you might not know whether someone had spilled a bunch of paint on a piece of paper, whether a kid was playing around with a bunch of colors, or whether a professional artist dug deep into an artistic soul and created a masterpiece.  The latter is actually the truth - this is a painting by the famous artist, Jackson Pollock.  Now, for the life of me, I don't get it.  I mean, I love pretty colors as much as the next person, but there aren't enough mind-altering substances in the world to get me to pay millions of dollars for this.  There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it.  Frankly, it doesn't really look like much (in my non-artistically trained mind)....  I mean, how decided that this was great art while other pieces that make much more sense (in some way) aren't prized and valued?  [Don't be afraid to have your own opinion and know that you don't have to like something just because other people call it "great" or "a classic."]
On the other hand, teachers and parents teach their children to color inside the lines.  Honestly, I've seen a lot of children's drawings that make more sense than the above painting.  Now, the argument is that coloring inside the lines teaches hand-eye coordination, and I'm not opposed to learning that.  My thought is the larger emphasis, and the fact that restrictive thinking doesn't stop with coloring inside the lines on our paper.  Having recently read books like "Pedagogy of the Oppressed," I have been thinking about the way we teach young people (who ultimately become adults) that the best way to live is to conform to what is already established.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about a conversation she'd had with her "friend."  Her friend said, "I just want to walk around campus holding your hand.  I want everybody to see who my baby is."  This was quite a touching sentiment, and it nearly brought tears to my sensitive friend's eyes.  Yet, as I thought about this simple gesture of care and affection, I thought about that this would be coloring outside the lines of much of "normal" society, because both of these individuals are females.  And while that topic is particularly close to me since some of my friends deal with that, there are many things that put us outside the lines, especially depending on our given context.
Whether it's race, gender, ethnicity, size, physical ability, sexual orientation, religious affiliation (or even particular theological leaning within a given religion), there are always ways that we can be seen as coloring outside the lines.  And while I'm always one to encourage you to do and be you, the reality is that this is not always easy.  It's been said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  Unfortunately, that is not always the case.  Parents, employers, spouses, friends, communities matter, and sadly they don't always agree with us being who we feel that we truly are.
So what do we do?  Continue to love you and color outside the lines...  Even if it can only be in small, private way, be yourself in every way possible.  And look for ways to create dialogue and understanding.  Even if things don't change in enough time for you to see the change, be like Dr Martin Luther King who knew he wouldn't get to the promised land but still continued to fight so that others could.