The above was a facebook status of a friend of mine a couple days ago. When I saw it, I immediately knew there would be a blog. In my life and in the lives of those closest to me, I have seen this to be so very true. Often, we are caught between going after what we want and what we deserve, struggling to decide which of the two to fully invest in and strive for, especially when the two tend to be in conflict (which is why it is a struggle in the first place). Here are some reasons I've seen this to be the case.
- We (typically) know what we want - most of the time in life, it is not hard to pinpoint the thing that we desire. This can be a person, a thing, a lifestyle, etc. Yet, what we deserve tends to be a more difficult concept to grasp. We tend to have a distorted view of what we deserve. Some people think they deserve everything and then some - no, you don't deserve an A in the class if you never went, never cracked a book, and never did the work. On the other side, I think the majority of people don't think they deserve much of anything positive in life. They have been told by people and experience that they don't deserve good things, so they allow life to happen to them without really trying to get anything better. Even if they believe they deserve a little more, they don't believe they can have it, and they don't try. So while we typically know what we want, we don't really know what we deserve. And even though we might feel that we deserve something more, it's easier to go with what we want, because that's more readily available and easier to grasp.
- We want what we want - to want according to the dictionary is "to need or desire, wish for, crave, demand." This is not just some thing that it would be nice to have. This is something that you feel a strong desire and even ache for, that you feel makes life worth living in some way. Again, since it's easily identifiable, and you can most likely touch, taste, and/or enjoy the thing you want, it only adds to your desire for it. You wouldn't want it if it wasn't in some way bringing you joy and adding something positive to your life (even if there is some negative associated with it). The human will is a powerful thing, and there are very few things that can stop us from wanting (and getting) something we want if we really want it.
- We don't always know that we deserve what we deserve - if you have become used to a certain way of being or living, then you don't know any better. If you are used to abuse because that's how you grew up, then you will most likely find yourself in an abusive relationship, figuring this is the best you can get. If you are used to giving and not receiving, you will continue to give and not expect to receive, thinking that this is normal (even though you may feel upset by it). If you are used to relationships being full of arguing and fighting, you will be confused by someone who doesn't argue, because that's what you expect as "love." In all of this, it may have never occurred to you that you deserve someone who is honest (if you've been lied to), faithful (if you've been cheated on), open (if you're used to people who don't communicate), caring (if you're used to people who are cold), challenging (if you're used to people who just let you do whatever), etc. And if you can't put a name or a face on what you deserve, you will settle for whatever comes along, never even thinking to want more. And even if you do want more, you might not dare to venture after it, because you're not even sure it exists.
- When faced with the two, what we want tends to call us a little stronger, but what we deserve calls us a little deeper. While what I want might be some cutie who is nice to look at, treats me okay, and is an acceptable relationship, what I deserve may be someone with whom the relationship isn't as "easy," but one that pushes me to grow. What we want tends to be easier, but what we deserve takes courage. It takes the courage of loving ourselves enough to know that we deserve more than just what we want. In seeing what we want, we see more of the superficial. But in dealing with what we deserve, we will get more of what we actually need. This tends to challenge us and cause us to have to work and put in effort that what we want won't necessarily require.
So my suggestion (to you as well as to myself) is to take a minute and figure out what you actually deserve. You deserve someone who will love you for you, treat you well, support you, help you grow, and give you their best and their all. Now, this is provided that you are willing to do the same. Also, it would be good to know if you're in a space where you are ready to be in a relationship. You deserve someone who knows where they are and you deserve to know for yourself if you are in that space. If both people aren't on the same page, it won't work. You deserve good things just by virtue of the fact that you are creation and child of God. Embrace and receive those great things in their proper time. And if it means you have to hold out a while or look past what you want in the moment, have the courage and strength to do so. There is nothing worse than trying to find a space filler when you already know what you deserve and need. Sure it can hold you over for the moment and even teach you a few things, but it may likely cause more harm than good (and hurt feelings). So go for what you deserve (and amazingly enough, you will find what you want and so much more within it).
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