Day 353 - Chores

"At 4a.m. I had a moment of enlightenment as I was washing the dishes.....If I am in a relationship with someone and we live together, and that person never washed a single dish, why would I be offended if I have time to do it and I see that it needs to be done? Why wouldn't I ask that person "Are you good at washing dishes?" and let the person respond freely. If they say "Yes, I normally am." then I could reply "Great. Then please feel free to help me wash them whenever we use them." If they say "No. I'm not good at that." then I can say "Great. I'll wash them, but what would you be better at handling?...I don't know how to cut the grass, are you good at that?" and let them respond honestly.....Why do we get SSSSOOOO offended when our partners don't do what WE expect? Is it REALLY a case of disproportionate responsibility or is it more an unfulfilled expectation?....In my opinion, a real and healthy relationship is never 50/50 it's rotating. Peace."

The above is a facebook status from one of my friends, and when I read it, I had to think and write about it.  For me, my mind flashed to gender roles, because that is typically the lines along which chores are divided.  There tend to be certain things that men do and certain things that women do.  Surprise of all surprises, I don't believe in gender roles.  I believe in working together as partners.  I don't know a lot of people who just love chores of any kind, but at the end of the day, when we agree to come together and share living space, whether as roommates or romantic partners, there should be a communicated understanding.  Communicated is the keyword, because some people just assume that people will do certain things, and 27 years on this planet has taught me that unspoken expectations are often unmet expectations.
But even beyond doing chores, my friend made a great point about relationships in general - they are rarely 50/50.  There tends to be a shift in the balance more often than not.  The problem is when the balance is always shifting in a particular direction and one person is always giving/doing more than the other.  If I'm always calling you or texting you or reaching out to you first, there might be a question in my mind as to how much you are investing in the relationship.  Unless of course, I understand that reaching out first is simply not your thing.  Since communication is important to me, even if you don't call first, if I know that I can count on you to respond, then that is a balance I'm willing to live with.  The point is that it's necessary to communicate about how things will function.  We have to be able to live and function intentionally without having a checklist, going tit for tat - I washed 3 plates yesterday, so you have to wash 3 today.  Sometimes we just have to let things flow and balance will restore itself.  Either way, we have to communicate where we stand.
Whether we realize it or not, we all have expectations and ways of functioning in relationships as a result of prior experience.  Even in our first relationship, we have expectations based on friendships and how we grew up.  When we know and can verbalize these expectations, it will help the other person to know what we want/need and whether they will be willing/able to fulfill those needs/wants.  The issue isn't typically about doing dishes.  I hate doing dishes with much of my being, but I will do them if they need to be done.  The real issue is having a cooperative mindset to help the relationship move forward.  We have to remember that relationships are not just spaces where we find someone who will meet our needs.  Relationships are places where we work together with someone (whether we live with them or not) to help each of us grow and move forward.  If we can't talk about how to work together in the simple things like chores, I find it hard to imagine that we would be able to spend our lives together building common goals, maintaining a house, or even raising a family.

Day 352 - Take Care

This song has been in my head and in my heart and on repeat for quite a while.  I guess it's about time that I talk about it. 

"I know you’ve been hurt by someone else - I can tell by the way you carry yourself. If you let me, here’s what I’ll do - I’ll take care of you. I’ve loved and I’ve lost." I love the chorus... And that's probably because I can relate as it seems that many of the people in my life, especially those who I've loved, have been in this particular place.  And being the caregiver that I am, it fits quite well into my function in relationships.  The singer is saying that she sees the hurt and the pain of the past relationships by the way her friend acts, but it is her desire to love and care and even help bring healing.  She too has loved and lost, so she can relate to the pain.  She feels that together, they can work things out, and if her friend would open up, she can provide the love that is needed/wanted deep in his heart.

"I’ve asked about you and they told me things, but my mind didn’t change. I still feel the same. What's a life with no fun? Please don’t be so ashamed - I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours, we both know. We know, they don’t get you like I will. My only wish is I die real, cuz that truth hurts, and those lies heal. And you can’t sleep thinking that he lies still, so you cry still, tears all in the pillow case. Big girls all get a little taste. Pushing me away so I give her space - dealing with a heart that I didn’t break. I’ll be there for you, I will care for you, I keep thinking you just don’t know. Trying to run from that, say you’re done with that, on your face girl, it just don’t show. When you’re ready, just say you’re ready, when all the baggage just ain’t as heavy. And the party's over, just don’t forget me. We’ll change the pace and we'll just go slow. You won’t ever have to worry. You won’t ever have to hide. You've seen all my mistakes, so look me in my eyes."  So the artist sees someone of interest, and he's heard the stories about the things she's done, but he's not concerned.  He understands that everyone has a past, and sometimes things that happen in our lives cause us to do things that we wouldn't under better circumstances.  So he's not judging her based on that.  He's saying that it's ok to enjoy - he has too.  As for their budding relationship, he knows that he can understand her in ways that others can't.  And he desires to be honest, even when it's hard, because he knows that she's dealt with having her heart hurt by lies.  As a result, she pushes him away because of what another man has done to her. He has to deal with a heart that is unresolved in its issues, in essence getting the punishment and dealing with the trust issues and baggage from someone else's crime.  And even though she says she wants nothing to do with love, her eyes suggest otherwise.  He is being patient enough to say that he will be there when the party is over and when she is ready to do what her heart wants to.  He'll go slow and provide a safe space for her to be herself and receive love again. He knows her and she knows him, so they can be safe in that space together, sharing love when she is ready.

"It’s my birthday - I'll get high if I want to. Can’t deny that I want you, but I'll lie if I have to, cuz you don’t say you love me to your friends when they ask you even though we both know that you do. One time, been in love one time. You and all your girls in the club one time - all so convinced that you’re following your heart, cuz your mind don’t control what it does sometimes. We all have our nights though, don’t be so ashamed. I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours, we both know. We know, you hate being alone - you ain’t the only one. You hate the fact that you bought the dream when they sold you one. You love your friends but somebody shoulda told you somethin’ to save you. Instead they say, 'Don't tell me, I don't care if you hurt. I don't tell you. You don't care, if you're true.'"  He too is still in the space of having fun and doing him, so enjoying his birthday is just part of the experience.  It may also be part of dealing with her emotional space.  He cares about her, and it's clear, but because she seems to be playing games and being less than honest, he will follow her lead in denying the feelings in order to protect himself.  He's been in love (and likely she has too), but now they are in the club just trying to have fun, avoiding all that.  Yet, the desire for love is still there.  But therein lies the conflict - the hatred for the feeling of being alone v. the potential pain of connection (as has been previously experienced and accompanied by broken promises and heartache).  And it seems that she can't even find true help with her friends seem to be in the same boat, all living "oblivious" to the deeper pain going on.  It seems like they are all trying to live in the space of denial, focusing on the partying and the fun while denying any desire for love in order to avoid the pain...

"but if you let me, here's what I'll do - I'll take care of you..."

Day 351 - Raw

As I look back over much of my blog writing (and a good bit of my writing and life in general), I've come to realize that it tends to be fairly... clinical and intellectual in nature.  This isn't because I don't feel what I write.  I think it has more to do with how I've learned and become accustomed to expressing myself.  I feel on a very deep level, but most of the time you wouldn't have any clue of that just by looking at me or even having a conversation with me.  This probably has something to do with the fact that there was a long period of time when I tried not to deal with that part of myself at all.  Emotions seemed to be for the weak, and I had no desire to appear or to be weak.  Such "weakness" hurt, and I'd had enough pain.  Yet, the more I live and experience, the more that deeply emotional core of my being makes itself manifest in my life.  And even though I've done well (because I've had much practice) tempering both my feelings and my facial expressions, the last few days, weeks, months, years have brought about what can best be described as a slowly growing crack in the dam around my emotions.  There have been people and events and situations that have left me at a loss of words with "just emotions taking me over."
Now, for someone who said for years that "I don't do emotions," it's been quite a journey of struggle, surrender, fear, frustration, growth, and change.  I have never in my life cried so much, prayed so much, wished so hard, pressed so deeply... just to try to make it to the next day.  At my sister's pastoral installation on Sunday, Bishop McKissick talked about the ministry of the cave, and dear God, could I relate.  He said that it was the cave experience for David that helped him to grow and his transparency with it made him a better leader for those following him.  And ever since I wrote and preached the "Fly" sermon, I have felt and experienced greater push in my life.  I have seen the walls of the cave expand... but I know my ultimate destiny is not in the cave.  Because of that, I've a felt a crazy compelling push to not only leave the cave but also to leave the ground.  It's time to transition from a dark, confining cave to the endless expanse of freedom of the sky....
So what does this all have to with emotions, which is where this whole entry started?  And why is the title "Raw"?  And what does this all have to do with love?  Well, if I have learned little else in all that I've been through, it's that no matter how much you try to sanitize, intellectualize, ignore, temper, or otherwise restrain your feelings and emotions, there comes a point when the raw power of emotion will rip so strongly through your life that you will have no choice but to feel it and allow the emotions the space to be dealt with.  And in dealing with all of what what I have, there have been many ties when I just wanted to break free, out of my box, and just let my emotions rip.  Hiding behind a "ministerial" or "adult" or "considerate" mask has been a deeply trying, tiring experience.
Because of a lack of love for and confidence in myself, I shaped myself and my responses according to what I thought others would approve of.  I was reminded of this on Sunday when, after the sermon by Bishop McKissick, which I greatly appreciated and demonstratively so, a few people made remarks about my praise.  Initially, I began to retreat as that little girl who'd had one too many negative comments about some expression of myself, but then the lady who was taking pictures came over to me and said, "I love your praise.  If I hadn't been working, I would have been right there beside you."  With that affirmation, I came back to myself and realized that there will always be people who have negative things to say for whatever reason (their own discomfort, they like the sound of their own voice, etc), but there is also most likely someone who needs my full expression of myself, because it encourages or affirms their own.
As that experience and the past few days especially have taught me, it is necessary to let loose.  It is sometimes necessary to let my raw emotions have their way and their moment, giving them full expression and release.  If I work too hard and too long to keep them locked away, they will leak out in ways that will be unpleasant (and likely hurtful).   Does it take time and courage to be able to release, especially when you've trained yourself to hold back or hide for whatever reason (I have to be strong for others, that kind of display is not lady like, I don't want to lose control, I have other things to deal with)?  Yes.  But it's better to find some time to intentionally feel and express and deal with your emotions to be in a place that's less conducive and have your emotions deal with you.  This isn't the "safest" or most comfortable of practices, and I understand why Western society prefers to deal with reason over emotion - it's easier, especially if you are one who likes control.  Emotions are powerful little creatures that can take you places you don't think you're ready to go, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take the journey.
If you need to take an hour and be in your room and scream or jump up and down or run or whatever, do what you need to find release.  Be okay with letting go.  And then take the time to sort and put the pieces back together.  I can tell you from experience that going too long without some sort of positive release can have detrimental results on your heart and health.

Day 350 - It's Time

I was talking to God this morning, trying to make sense of some things.  I had 2 dreams 2 days ago that seemed a bit strange and cryptic.  I understood certain elements of them, but I wasn't really sure what they meant.  All I remembered of the first one was that I shouldn't hide/suppress my gifts.  I know there have been moments where I've tried to ignore my gifts out of fear, so this is a reminder that I need from time to time.  The second one was all kinds of metaphorical.  While some of it resonated and made sense, much of it didn't.  Well, part of that second dream came true this morning.  Even though in the dream, this portion wasn't clear, as soon as I heard about what had happened, I knew that it was from my dream. 
Granted, I've had dreams/feelings for as long as I can remember, but to have one come true in this sense was a little scary.  I've always been able to see, but to see this much...  Yeah.  Hence my conversation with God this morning.  Such an event makes me more nervous, because it speaks to the depths of which are to come and with that comes great responsibility.  I asked God what was up with all that, and God essentially said, "it's time."  I have had these gifts all my life, but I only paid attention to them in varying degrees depending on what was happening in my life.  But I understand that, based on that comment from God, the shift my life has taken lately, and even the sermon I preached last Sunday, it's time... 
And as I thought about this for myself, I realized that I'm not the only one who needs to take a step or two forward.  I realized that a lot of us are chilling on the side lines of our own lives, and we need a push into the game. 

• It's time to stop being scared of what could happen or how people could react or even the outcome of certain things.  Our call is to be faithful/obedient.  It's God's job to handle the end result.
• It's time to do and be all that has been purposed in our lives.
• It's time to listen to that still small voice, that intuition, that slight nudge, and those "coincidences."
• It's time to tap into the Source in a deeper way and live out of the power of the Divine instead of our own strength and understanding.
• It's time to figure out what we're really supposed to be doing and do that.  We tend to get very easily distracted, even doing good things, but it's time to live on purpose doing those things that will move us toward our ultimate goal and vision.
• It's time to open our hearts to healing, wisdom, peace, and love from the various sources that they avail themselves from.  Half of us are missing it, because we are trying to live closed off in an effort to protect ourselves.  I'm not saying to let everyone in to the deepest parts of you, but do be open enough that you can receive from unexpected sources.

Why is this in the love blog?  Because it's love that allows us to define and follow purpose.  It's love that pushes us to go further and reach higher.  It's love that can empower and inspire us in ways that we never expected.  Love God and receive what God has for you.  Love yourself and allow your beauty and greatness to emerge.  Love others and give your energy into your passions as a means of serving those in need.

Day 349 - If I Have My Way

So, this song has been following me around and playing a lot the last few days.  There was one day that I heard it 5 times...  Honestly I'm surprised I haven't blogged about it yet.  I appreciate the message, because often we can rush into things or try to make things fit.  The fact that she is taking time to make sure that things are right and that the timing is correct are admirable. As they grow together and communicate their feelings, I anticipate beautiful things coming of this relationship. I love this song, so here it is...

"You're who I desire. You light my fire with every kiss, you take me higher.  Feeling like your loving I just cannot resist. There's something that's making me hold on. There's no one I'd rather share my good lovin with, but I promised I'd wait till im ready for this." The singer has a love interest who touches her deep down. They have spent some time together and grown in love and passion. She is committed and wants to give herself in the ultimate expression of physical love, but she wants to be sure she is ready to take such a step. She has no desire to rush into this.

"One day we'll make love, passion unheard of - I'll be your woman if I have my way.  We will see heaven, loving together, we wont stop ever if I have my way."  In the chorus, she sings of the day that they will come together in both relationship and physical culmination of what already exists between them on an emotional level... if all goes according to plan as she desires.  She anticipates that it will be an experience of love and passion unlike anything that either of them has had before, but she wants it to be right.

"I love your touch - it makes me crumble. I'm in love so much - look what you've done.  Please don't whisper anything else in my ear. My body, my heart and my soul is high. Let me find the strength to get on up outta here, cuz one day the way we feel will be alright."  She's in love - her heart has been captured and the rest of her has followed. Her love has such power over her that she is finding it difficult to resist the words and the simple touches that they exchange. In order to remain true to herself and what she wants to do in the relationship, she must make herself resist the temptation to give in, because she wants the timing to be right for them to share.

"I love you. No doubt about it, I wont change my mind. Love's so true. If I have my way, I will make love to you."  There's no question that this is a love that is true and unshakable. And if all goes as she desires, they will be together in every sense of the word when she feels ready, and it will be life-changing.

Day 348 - Childish

I was having a conversation yesterday with one of my friends about the changes going on with me, and she welcomed me to the many faucets of growth and maturity, adding that I would especially need these lessons as I entered my 30s.  I was saying how I feel conflicted about that idea - in some ways, I feel like I'm already there in terms of maturity and wisdom and such.  But there are other times when I still feel like a kid.  Her response: "there should always be preservation of your youth... it's okay to feel like a kid sometimes... it's when we make childish decisions that gets us in trouble."  We continued our conversation, and she talked about how childhood should be a safe space that we can venture back to when life gets crazy, but my mind was already on this blog. 

Childlike refers to characteristics of childhood: young, ingenuous, simple, guileless, trusting, innocent.   

Childish refers to characteristics or qualities of childhood that are undesirable and unpleasant: childish selfishness, outbursts of temper. 

As my friend and the definitions above make clear, there is a distinction between being childlike and being childish in attitude, understanding, and approach.  Being childlike means that you have an approach to things that favors simplicity, openness, the little things, creativity, and trust.  Children are very trusting, and years of life experience tend to strip that from us.  In fact, trusting adults are often labeled as naive, because once we get to a certain age, we are assumed to be less trusting.  This isn't always a bad thing, because it isn't wise to trust everyone.  At the same time, I think kids have a way of discerning things, but they have to be taught to trust that instinct rather than taught simply to fear the unfamiliar.  Being childlike allows us to still be awed by things like a butterfly in flight or the peaceful flow of a river or lightning bugs.  And in relationships, it allows us a deep empathy.  One of the most touching things I've ever seen in a child attempting to comfort a parent.  The small child may not know what's wrong, but in seeing a parent cry, the child will wrap its little arms around parent, saying things like "don't cry, it's gonna be okay."

On the other hand, childish people tend to be more selfish, self-centered, defensive, and pleasure-seeking in their attitude.  The entire world revolves around them as they are developing an awareness and understanding of self.  Because of this, everything that happens is interpreted as being about them personally.  They want their way, and when they don't get it, attention-seeking tantrums follow.  Because they lack the ability to clearly verbalize their feelings, things like screaming, overreacting, the silent treatment, and other purely emotional forms of communication become the norm in a relationship.  And the decision-making process doesn't typically take into consideration the feelings or desires of others.  It tends to strictly be based on what seems best for self.  

So why am I writing this?  Well, because in order to have better, more loving relationships, we need to grow up.  There is nothing wrong with being childlike - trust me, I love coloring, blowing bubbles, swing sets, and cartoons as much as any 8 year old - but being childish will not only hurt others but yourself.  I do consider myself a big kid, because I love to let my "inner child" come out to play quite often.  But when it comes to how I treat others and making decisions in relationships, I quickly switch to adult mode, understanding that I can't just satisfy my momentary desire or my ego when dealing with other people.   It's been noted and shared with me countless times that I think a lot (some people would say too much), but I spend a good bit of time thinking (and praying) because I don't want to impulsively do something and then have to deal with the consequences later.  So it may take me a minute, but I want to make the mature, intelligent, considerate choice.  This doesn't mean that I always deny my desires, because that's just not the case.  But I do try to satisfy them in ways that won't have detrimental consequences or hurt myself/other people in the process.
Let's make our aim to be less childish and more childlike.  The world could use more people who are empathetic and imaginative, and it could use far fewer people who are driven by their impulses and self-centered desires. 

Day 347 - 20+ Year Battle

When I saw this on facebook this morning, I knew I needed a YES! button.  The more I think about myself and my life (and I'm a very introspective person, so that happens quite a bit), the more I realize that I have spent most of my life trying to hide myself, be it in parts or entirely.  At 27, I am beginning to realize parts of my personality that have always been there but that I have been afraid to show for various reasons.  I made parts of myself so foreign to me that I even rejected them because they didn't fit the image of myself that I had created in my head (and in the world).  But in seeing statements like the one above, in thinking about the sermon that I struggled to write for Sunday (the majority of the struggle being my own understanding that I needed to embrace/live it before I could preach it), and in talking to people who see more in me than I can sometimes see in myself, I realize that the only thing that ever held me back from being wonderful me was fear.  

To give you an example, I'll talk about my job.  Part of my job as a youth minister is logistics/administrative stuff.  This was a dreaded portion of my job, something I would happily pay someone else to deal with.  And while I'm not saying that it's something I want to do all day everyday, I came to realize that part of my disdain for it was the fear I had of making phone calls, because I was concerned about the person on the other end of the phone would think of me.  Really?!  Looking back, it seems silly, but being as self-conscious as I was, things like that were part of my thought process.  Granted, I'm an introvert, so talking to a bunch of people is never something I want to do lots of, but fear should not be that pervasive to the point that I would tremble or even avoid my job. 

But in dealing with that fear, and in realizing the statement in the picture above, I realized a few things:

• I'm competent.  I'm not perfect, but I do know what I'm doing, and so I should do it with confidence.
• Even if for some reason the person on the other end of the phone (or whoever I have to deal with) doesn't like me, they don't define me.  There are plenty of fabulous people who do like me, and life goes on.  I heard it said that if a person isn't paying your bills, then pay their opinions no mind. (And even if they are, they shouldn't dictate who you are.)
• I'm pretty awesome just by virtue of who I am. And there's no one action or thought or mistake or good deed or whatever that will change that.  

I will say that I'm still in process, and I feel like I will be for the rest of my life.  But I've come to the point in life and in my understanding of myself that I'm okay with who I am, even as I evolve in this next phase.  That was a long, hard-fought battle, but it's been well worth it just to feel the way I do right now.  I accept me, and that's really all I need right now.  I don't have the time, energy, or desire to make someone realize about me what I have finally figured out - I am beautiful and worthwhile.  You're free to disagree, but I'm no longer at a place where your opinion will alter my opinion of myself.

Admittedly, there is the tiniest twinge inside me that feels like all of this is arrogance.  I realize that I've been taught humility to such a degree that it's kept me bound as well.  Humility is important, because you don't want to think so much of yourself that no one else matters.  At the same time, it has to be balanced, because you can be so humble that you fail to recognize your own greatness, which was part of my problem.  God made me wonderful and awesome, so why wouldn't God want me to feel and express such?  Even David said, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  Modern translation - I'm awesome just because I exist.  If we say that God is all kinds of great, and we are made in the image of God, wouldn't it follow that we too are great?  Just saying...  You can keep it humble by thanking God for making you fabulous. 

So I encourage you to think about where you stand on your view of yourself.  Do you love yourself?  Can the opinion of someone else change how you feel?  Are you living your life to try to convince others that you are worthy (because deep down you don't believe it, and you want their validation)?  If you are, I recommend that you take some time to figure out why and making some self-loving corrections.