Day 353 - Chores

"At 4a.m. I had a moment of enlightenment as I was washing the dishes.....If I am in a relationship with someone and we live together, and that person never washed a single dish, why would I be offended if I have time to do it and I see that it needs to be done? Why wouldn't I ask that person "Are you good at washing dishes?" and let the person respond freely. If they say "Yes, I normally am." then I could reply "Great. Then please feel free to help me wash them whenever we use them." If they say "No. I'm not good at that." then I can say "Great. I'll wash them, but what would you be better at handling?...I don't know how to cut the grass, are you good at that?" and let them respond honestly.....Why do we get SSSSOOOO offended when our partners don't do what WE expect? Is it REALLY a case of disproportionate responsibility or is it more an unfulfilled expectation?....In my opinion, a real and healthy relationship is never 50/50 it's rotating. Peace."

The above is a facebook status from one of my friends, and when I read it, I had to think and write about it.  For me, my mind flashed to gender roles, because that is typically the lines along which chores are divided.  There tend to be certain things that men do and certain things that women do.  Surprise of all surprises, I don't believe in gender roles.  I believe in working together as partners.  I don't know a lot of people who just love chores of any kind, but at the end of the day, when we agree to come together and share living space, whether as roommates or romantic partners, there should be a communicated understanding.  Communicated is the keyword, because some people just assume that people will do certain things, and 27 years on this planet has taught me that unspoken expectations are often unmet expectations.
But even beyond doing chores, my friend made a great point about relationships in general - they are rarely 50/50.  There tends to be a shift in the balance more often than not.  The problem is when the balance is always shifting in a particular direction and one person is always giving/doing more than the other.  If I'm always calling you or texting you or reaching out to you first, there might be a question in my mind as to how much you are investing in the relationship.  Unless of course, I understand that reaching out first is simply not your thing.  Since communication is important to me, even if you don't call first, if I know that I can count on you to respond, then that is a balance I'm willing to live with.  The point is that it's necessary to communicate about how things will function.  We have to be able to live and function intentionally without having a checklist, going tit for tat - I washed 3 plates yesterday, so you have to wash 3 today.  Sometimes we just have to let things flow and balance will restore itself.  Either way, we have to communicate where we stand.
Whether we realize it or not, we all have expectations and ways of functioning in relationships as a result of prior experience.  Even in our first relationship, we have expectations based on friendships and how we grew up.  When we know and can verbalize these expectations, it will help the other person to know what we want/need and whether they will be willing/able to fulfill those needs/wants.  The issue isn't typically about doing dishes.  I hate doing dishes with much of my being, but I will do them if they need to be done.  The real issue is having a cooperative mindset to help the relationship move forward.  We have to remember that relationships are not just spaces where we find someone who will meet our needs.  Relationships are places where we work together with someone (whether we live with them or not) to help each of us grow and move forward.  If we can't talk about how to work together in the simple things like chores, I find it hard to imagine that we would be able to spend our lives together building common goals, maintaining a house, or even raising a family.