As I look back over much of my blog writing (and a good bit of my writing and life in general), I've come to realize that it tends to be fairly... clinical and intellectual in nature. This isn't because I don't feel what I write. I think it has more to do with how I've learned and become accustomed to expressing myself. I feel on a very deep level, but most of the time you wouldn't have any clue of that just by looking at me or even having a conversation with me. This probably has something to do with the fact that there was a long period of time when I tried not to deal with that part of myself at all. Emotions seemed to be for the weak, and I had no desire to appear or to be weak. Such "weakness" hurt, and I'd had enough pain. Yet, the more I live and experience, the more that deeply emotional core of my being makes itself manifest in my life. And even though I've done well (because I've had much practice) tempering both my feelings and my facial expressions, the last few days, weeks, months, years have brought about what can best be described as a slowly growing crack in the dam around my emotions. There have been people and events and situations that have left me at a loss of words with "just emotions taking me over."
Now, for someone who said for years that "I don't do emotions," it's been quite a journey of struggle, surrender, fear, frustration, growth, and change. I have never in my life cried so much, prayed so much, wished so hard, pressed so deeply... just to try to make it to the next day. At my sister's pastoral installation on Sunday, Bishop McKissick talked about the ministry of the cave, and dear God, could I relate. He said that it was the cave experience for David that helped him to grow and his transparency with it made him a better leader for those following him. And ever since I wrote and preached the "Fly" sermon, I have felt and experienced greater push in my life. I have seen the walls of the cave expand... but I know my ultimate destiny is not in the cave. Because of that, I've a felt a crazy compelling push to not only leave the cave but also to leave the ground. It's time to transition from a dark, confining cave to the endless expanse of freedom of the sky....
So what does this all have to with emotions, which is where this whole entry started? And why is the title "Raw"? And what does this all have to do with love? Well, if I have learned little else in all that I've been through, it's that no matter how much you try to sanitize, intellectualize, ignore, temper, or otherwise restrain your feelings and emotions, there comes a point when the raw power of emotion will rip so strongly through your life that you will have no choice but to feel it and allow the emotions the space to be dealt with. And in dealing with all of what what I have, there have been many ties when I just wanted to break free, out of my box, and just let my emotions rip. Hiding behind a "ministerial" or "adult" or "considerate" mask has been a deeply trying, tiring experience.
Because of a lack of love for and confidence in myself, I shaped myself and my responses according to what I thought others would approve of. I was reminded of this on Sunday when, after the sermon by Bishop McKissick, which I greatly appreciated and demonstratively so, a few people made remarks about my praise. Initially, I began to retreat as that little girl who'd had one too many negative comments about some expression of myself, but then the lady who was taking pictures came over to me and said, "I love your praise. If I hadn't been working, I would have been right there beside you." With that affirmation, I came back to myself and realized that there will always be people who have negative things to say for whatever reason (their own discomfort, they like the sound of their own voice, etc), but there is also most likely someone who needs my full expression of myself, because it encourages or affirms their own.
As that experience and the past few days especially have taught me, it is necessary to let loose. It is sometimes necessary to let my raw emotions have their way and their moment, giving them full expression and release. If I work too hard and too long to keep them locked away, they will leak out in ways that will be unpleasant (and likely hurtful). Does it take time and courage to be able to release, especially when you've trained yourself to hold back or hide for whatever reason (I have to be strong for others, that kind of display is not lady like, I don't want to lose control, I have other things to deal with)? Yes. But it's better to find some time to intentionally feel and express and deal with your emotions to be in a place that's less conducive and have your emotions deal with you. This isn't the "safest" or most comfortable of practices, and I understand why Western society prefers to deal with reason over emotion - it's easier, especially if you are one who likes control. Emotions are powerful little creatures that can take you places you don't think you're ready to go, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take the journey.
If you need to take an hour and be in your room and scream or jump up and down or run or whatever, do what you need to find release. Be okay with letting go. And then take the time to sort and put the pieces back together. I can tell you from experience that going too long without some sort of positive release can have detrimental results on your heart and health.
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