Day 286 - Unconditional

While I was attempting to do homework today, I had on the tv as background noise. I was also having several text/phone/gchat conversations, and because of all that, I found myself pondering love. But not just love – unconditional love. On one of the movies I was watching, a couple had been in a relationship for a year when one caught the other cheating. Yet, by the end of the movie, they were back together and working toward change. Talking to one of my sisters, she reflected on her current relational situation and how her love remains and even grows despite the difficult time the relationship is currently experiencing. She said that her love had grown to the point that she could call it “unconditional.” As I pondered those things and the concept of unconditional love, my mind recalled being in church and being taught about the love that God has for us – also defined as unconditional. It was explained that, because God is perfect and does not live for the love and acceptance of others, God was the only one who could really love unconditionally. Because God’s very nature is love, then God can simply love without limits. While this was taught and explained, it does seem that the application of such a thing is a bit hazy (example: the folks with signs that say “God hates fags”), but I digress. Well, let’s define the word before I get into my thoughts about it. Unconditional = absolute; without condition, reservation, or restriction; unqualified. Essentially, unconditional means that it is not dependent on anything. It is what it is because it is. It is not based on any condition, qualification, circumstance, etc. When thinking about this as it relates to love, it can be easy to see why the concept of loving someone unconditionally is hard. To love someone NO MATTER WHAT just for the sake of loving them – not for their beauty, brains, money, status, or even the way they make you feel or what they do for you – is almost unfathomable. When discussing a loved one, it is often asked, “why do you love so-and-so?” When someone asks that, they want to know specific traits or deeds that merit love. They don’t want to hear that the person’s very being is sufficient to earn love. Why is that? I think part of that is due to the fact that we tend to see love as something that has to be earned – you have to be awesome and outstanding in some way in order to be worthy of love. From childhood, we are typically taught that when we do something right, we get rewarded, and this usually gets equated with being loved. Most parents don’t hug their children when they do something wrong. They may even withhold love and affection. Thus, we become programmed to think that we get love when we earn it. And most of life tends to confirm this. In school, we can be rejected as uncool or unacceptable just as easily as we can be hailed as popular, and it doesn’t tend to be based on anything that isn’t superficial. Another part of it is the fact that it takes a tremendous amount of internal strength (and divine help) to love someone simply to love them and without necessarily expecting anything in return. Ideally in a partner relationship there will be no need to be concerned about this – you will be giving love to each other, so it won’t feel like you are in love by yourself. But what if the person you love is in a difficult space or is unable to love you (or show it) for some reason? What about a loved one with Alzheimer’s (or any other mental disorder)? What about someone who is working through his/her own emotional baggage and/or past issues? Do you abandon someone you love because they are unable to love you back in a way that you might be used to or desire, especially if it is a temporary situation? Trust me, I’m not suggesting that this is a simple enterprise. Loving someone despite the situation or the pain or the rights you may feel entitled to in a relationship is ridiculously difficult. This is especially true, because people will most likely question your decision. You will get all kinds of wonderful advice about taking care of yourself and the like. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t, but sometimes in the interest of love, you have to push the boundaries of what you might find comfortable to bring healing in the life of the one you love. So can you love without condition or reservation? Can you love someone simply for who they are and because they exist?