"It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit." As I was looking at facebook the other day, and I saw this as a friend's status. Clearly, I had to "like" the status immediately, but in the midst of the things I was doing, I didn't have time to sit with it. But now that I have a few moments (and I couldn't sleep thinking about it last night), I figured I should blog about it. This statement is so very true, and I know that it's something I've spent much of my life both thinking about and dealing with. RuPaul always says, "If you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Without loving who you are and being able to appreciate and respect yourself just as you are, you will be very tempted to accept less than you deserve or allow yourself to fit into the mold of someone else when in relationship.
When I take the time to get to know myself - my wants, my needs, my desires, my quirks, etc - then I have a better idea of what I want in a relationship. I will have a better idea of what I can handle, what is a deal-breaker or a must-have, etc. Now granted, it is impossible to plan who you will love or what will come into your life, but in general, I will have a better idea what/who will fit me. I will also be strong and sure enough in myself that I will only deal with what someone who truly appreciates the beauty that is me.
But when you are reaching out for love from someone else because it's not within you, then you will most likely reach for the first person who shows you a decent amount of attention or affection. That, of course, can lead to disaster, especially if you hide your true feelings, wants, and needs in order to gain approval and acceptance from that person. And if you are the giving sort (like I am), you can sometimes be taken advantage of by people who love to receive but don't necessarily love you. Then you find yourself giving and bending and molding to fit them and make them happy because you feel that they bring you love, all the while, you are feeling depleted and most likely find yourself become angry, because your needs aren't being met sufficiently even as you pour out yourself for the other person.
The key to avoiding this is to love yourself first. Take some time (by yourself - as is while you're not in a relationship, "friendship," or any other such arrangement) and figure out who you are and what you really want/need. Where are you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically? Are you in a good, healthy place (or at least working toward that)? Are you even ready to be in a relationship? Do you love yourself enough to be able to truthfully express to someone what you want/need? What do you need to feel loved? What do you need your partner to say/do to help you feel that? Do you want someone who is affectionate? Do you want someone who is verbally expressive or do you prefer someone who is more action-oriented? Do you want to talk to the person all the time or would you rather just check in daily? What are your physical and sexual expectations? What kind of ambition do you want the person you are with to have? All of these and more are things to be considered when you are not with someone, because if you're already in a relational situation, you will likely base your answers on the person you are with and not be able gain a true assessment.... Of course, some people are afraid to be by themselves, but that will be another entry....
Either way, take time to love yourself and the right person will come along and appreciate the beauty that is you. But you have to be able to appreciate that beauty for yourself first...
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