I was talking to my best friend the other day, and we were talking about a mutual friend who we've observed in some interesting relational patterns. I've known her for about 7 years, and in that time, she hasn't been single for more than a month. This is not because she's been with the same person since we met. Actually, she has had several persons of interest in that time, but she doesn't believe in taking too much of a break between them. In fact, there were instances where she was already on the hunt before her current relational situation had ended. The more we discussed her relational patterns, the more I thought about the people I know and even myself, and I began to see that this is more the norm than the exception. Now, this is not to say that everyone is what one of my friends calls a "serial monogamist" or "serial dater" (two different things by the way) but there are some parallels in behavior among some of the people I'm closest to (myself included) that I've observed that mirror my friend's patterns.
What do I mean? Well, as the title of the entry suggests, some people are just afraid to be by themselves. I will use myself as an example (because I know myself better than I know other people). Though my number of actual, status change on Facebook relationships is fairly low since I started high school 13 years ago (wow, I feel slightly old saying that), especially considering the fact that my longest relationship was 9 months (with a break in the middle), in much of that time, there wasn't much time that I didn't have some sort of relational situation. This could be that I was talking to someone, hanging out with someone, flirting with someone, having a crush on someone, or any number of things. The point is that I didn't spend much time without some sort of attachment. In undergrad, things were a bit different, but for the most part, I had not spent a significant amount of time by myself.
Why is this a problem? Well, considering that between then and now I have gone through much and transformed tremendously as a person, it makes a difference. I am a very introspective person, and so I spend a good deal of time thinking about myself and how things are affecting/changing me. Yet, even with all my introspection, there are certain parts of myself that I am just now coming to terms with (namely my emotions), and it is difficult to work out my emotions and my sense of self while trying to give my all to someone else in relationship (because I'm going to give my all regardless - that's just how I function in relationship). Some things are best worked through with someone else, because when you're in a relational situation, you can see things about yourself that you can't see on your own. But in that same vein, when there are things in you that need to be fixed or worked on in order to improve yourself (especially once the relational situation has ended), it is best to take a moment to work through those things that you have discovered. Jumping into something will someone else will not likely be helpful, because the necessary growth as a result of where you were has probably not had time to happen adequately yet.
Why do we do it? Well, there are any number of reasons that people refuse to or feel unable/unwilling to be by themselves. I've heard it said that "the best way to get over an old love is to get under a new one," but I'm inclined to disagree. It's true that a new relational situation can distract you from the pain/feelings associated with the previous one, but that doesn't mean that you are any more healed or over the person. For me, I will say that part of it is desiring to feel loved. It is as natural as the day is long to want to feel loved - it is a basic human need after all. The problem comes in when that need becomes an unhealthy desire to be constantly surrounded and affirmed by others because your own self-love is not in place as it should be. I came to the realization a couple years ago that because I didn't have a foundation of self-love that my heart was a like a bucket with a whole in the bottom - no matter how much love was poured in, it would always find its way back out because the hole was there and I could never feel secure just as I was. This is why love for others has to come after a healthy self love.
We tend to think (especially because society has confirmed) that if we are by ourselves, then it means that we are not loved or that something is wrong with us. This is especially true of women once they reach a certain age. We tend to get the questions about being single, wanting to get married, etc. My dad asked me a few weeks ago when he would have some grandchildren, which is hilarious to me considering the fact that I still live in his house - priorities.... But the pressure of society, combined with our own insecurities and longings can cause us to chase sex, relationships, attention, and the like without regard for our overall emotional health and well-being. Sure, it's grand to have someone, especially when there is some level of connection and they can help you feel loved/grow, but there is nothing like a little time to yourself. This is also where the rebound phenomenon comes about, and we can end up hurting people by trying to put them in the emotional space that someone before filled (or our own personal emotional void). Been there, done that too.
So I would strongly advise taking some time to yourself, especially if it's been a long time since you've done so. It's better to take a little time to yourself and be sure of where you stand than to continue in a relational situation that is not really good for you or the person you are with. And anyone who doesn't understand your need/desire to pause in order to grow should probably be re-evaluated. Don't be afraid to sit with you, because you are always going to be with you. Yes, there may some stuff that you need to deal with that's less than pleasant, but it's better to live the truth of all of who you are than to live in a bubble of surface relationship to yourself.
[I think there's more that I can say, but that will have to wait for another entry...]
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