Day 230 - Flaws and All

When I heard this song by Beyonce, it got me thinking....  I appreciate the reality of it and the way she did the video.  While we can play dress up and act impressive, eventually those walls and guards come down, and we all have our stuff with us.  But to find someone who sees that stuff and loves you anyway...  Priceless....  Let's get into the song.
"I'm a train wreck in the morning. I'm a b***h in the afternoon. Every now and then without warning, I can be really mean towards you. I'm a puzzle, yes indeed. Ever complex in every way, and all the pieces aren't even in the box, and yet, you see the picture clear as day."  The beautiful reality is that every person alive, no matter how awesome or how famous or how outwardly beautiful, can be quite a mess.  And at times, we can all be a little bit crazy and incomplete and puzzling.  But I've come to see that God blesses us with people who have the ability to see the mess of the puzzle pieces as well as the finished product of what the picture should (and hopefully will) be.  Such people are true blessings and can change our lives if we let them.

"I don't know why you love me,and that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall. Accept me flaws and all, and that's why I love you."  When we see the confusing, complex, complication that we are, we can often find it difficult to contend with ourselves.  But to find someone else who can see that much of us and still make the decision to love and stick with us... that seems even more rare.  But when we do, it's not hard to love that person simply because they find the time and strength to love us in spite of and walk with us through our stuff.  When someone loves us, it can open our heart to them, and that opening is what allows healing and the other benefits of relationship to take place. 

"I neglect you when I'm working. When I need attention, I tend to nag. I'm a host of imperfection, and you see past all that. I'm a peasant by some standards, but in your eyes, I'm a queen. You see potential in all my flaws, and that's exactly what I mean."  Love recognizes the flaws, the imperfections, the insecurities, and the quirks, but it takes all those as part of the complete package.  And love sees the package as beautiful.  While not everything is perfect, love takes the time to care and even to help someone with the flaws and issues, because love wants you to grow and be better even while loving you just as you are.

Day 229 - Rain

Rain

So, in the past few days, there has been quite a bit of rain. It seems that every time I would look outside, bits of Heaven would be falling. This was even the case as I went for my walk/jog the other day. When I left the house, it was just cloudy, but halfway into the second lap, I was being accompanied by water from the sky. In the midst of the heat and humidity, the drops of refreshment were a welcome change.
Now, for the longest time, I didn’t like the rain. It was an inconvenience that I simply didn’t want to deal with. It makes people drive slower (but typically worse, which makes no sense). It doesn’t typically allow kids to play outside. It makes the ground muddy and messy. And for people of the female variety, it can do a number on our freshly done hair. While I understood that rain was necessary to water the earth’s vegetation and to provide water for the animals, I wasn’t able to see beyond its minor inconveniences (there may be a sermon in there somewhere, but I’m not going there right now).
But, having lived a little more and looked beyond the minor details, having experienced the refreshment of the rain and having talked to several others, I now appreciate the joy that rain can bring. To give this broader application, I wanna say that the rain is like so much of life. I’m not naïve enough to say that every part of life is magical and wonderful all the time, but I am saying that so much of that which we view negatively can be seen positively if we take a minute to reflect and get beyond the minor inconvenience of the moment.
For example, when a relationship ends, we tend to see it as a bad thing, because there is typically hurt and pain associated. At the time, we don’t usually see any positive or potential for growth and joy. But if we take the time to heal, we can find ourselves stronger and wiser because of the experience. And we venture into new relationships and experiences, we can apply what we’ve learned from the previous experience (in a healthy way, not in an emotional baggage, relationship-killing, bitter way). And if/when we happen to find someone new who is more loving and complementary to us, then the fact that the previous relationship is a blessing, because it opened the door and the space for this new relationship to be a possibility.
Should we go through life with rose-colored glasses, seeing everything as butterflies and chocolate chip cookies? No. But looking for a positive, life-affirming spin on things can make a major difference in our everyday lives. So grab your umbrella (or not) and meet me outside – I think I see some clouds… :-)

Day 228 - Labels

Labels

I had a wonderful conversation this morning with one of my good friends, and it corresponded to something I have been learning lately and that is the lack of importance of labels. As humans, we tend to categorize things naturally. When kids are growing up, once they understand the concept of car, everything with 4 wheels is a car until things are further lineated into more specific categories like truck, SUV, etc. Now, this can be useful when we are learning to identify things in the world around us, but not so much when dealing with other people, because other people rarely, if ever completely fit into the category and label ascribed to them. Just because I’m “black” (a term that has enough of its own history and issues as a label) or I’m a female, you may assume certain things about me based on that label, but it is likely that most of your assumptions would be incorrect. Now, biologically and anatomically, yes, I am a female, but that doesn’t mean that I fit all of what the mainstream culture associates with what is properly feminine.
But the focus of this conversation was concerns about labels in relationships. We talked about the fact that since we were born, the media has been pushing us with fairy tales, teen dramas, and romantic comedies/dramas toward the “ultimate” relationship – marriage. It’s almost as if we are bred and socialized to live in such a way that we can get married and have kids, raising our kids to do the same. If you don’t get married, especially by a certain age, then something is wrong with you. If you are single too long, people start to wonder. If you are in a relationship too long without taking it to the “next level” (engagement or marriage), people start to wonder. This kind of pressure and thinking can make people so afraid of being single that they will attach themselves to anyone and anything just to say that they have someone.
My question is why? First of all, why is everyone so concerned about the relationships of other people? Unless the relationship (or lack thereof) is hurting someone or destroying their life, then why does it matter who I'm seeing and what the relationship looks like? Why is my singleness cause for concern and pity? Why is marriage the ultimate goal for relationships, and why are we in a hurry to get to that finish line? Why is it not just enough to relate and enjoy the connection that you share with another person?
I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with marriage or relationship (that’s another entry entirely), but what I’m come to learn is that when marriage and the “next level” is constantly the focus, it is hard to appreciate the relationship and its beauty and its dynamics. You are always focused on impressing the person and pushing things forward so that you can get where you’re going. But when you’re not concerned about moving up the ladder – from talking or dating to official to engaged to married or however things progress with you – then you are not under the pressure to impress someone or to make them like you. This allows you to be yourself and simply function in relationship rather than trying to create/manufacture relationship. One of the major problems I see in marriages is that people play nice and stay all dressed up until they get married and then the real person comes out. Since you’ve now gotten what you want, you feel no more need to let that annoying habit continue or to hide that thing that you’ve been keeping hidden.
If instead the goal is connection, then I believe the rest will fall into place much more easily and authentically. My friend said that when people get into official relationships and add titles, things tend to change and people “act up,” becoming some other person. While it is true that different levels of commitment or relationship mean that things have to shift in some way – i.e. going from dating/talking to multiple people to being exclusive – but this label should not flip a switch within you and make you completely different since you’ve now gotten what you want. When your focus instead is building greater connection for the purposes of love and healing (as all relationships have the potential to bring), then the titles lack the importance of the love that is built. Now, this is not to say that acknowledging before God and humans that your relationship will entail a level of commitment and sharing that with the collective community, but it is to say that the center of the relationship should be the actual relationship and not what it is being called. As long as the people within the relationship are communicating effectively, respecting each other, and showing love to the other person and themselves, then the label will be just icing on the cake.

Day 227 - Mile-Marked Connections

Because many of my conversations recently have been about relationships that have to take place across some miles, I figured I would take a moment to dedicate this entry to such. I have chosen to call them “mile-marked connections,” because the idea of distance in a relationship is bothersome to me. There are people who live in the same house and experience more distance than people who live miles away. Therefore, the distinction between the “average” relationship and the mile-marked connection is the miles that separate the pair geographically. I personally haven’t been in a mile-marked connection since high school, mainly because the thought of that type of relationship is draining to me. But in hearing my friend talk about hers, I have much more respect for it. Part of the reason I have begun to further respect such situations is because of what my friend’s boyfriend (admittedly it feels weird to say that about this particularly situation, but that’s not neither here nor there) had to say in reassuring her. Here are some of his words:

I'd be lying if I denied having some of this fear myself - because I've tried distance in the past… and it didn't just "not work," it also wounded me in a great many ways exhausting what I had inside. I didn't want to do it again because I feared I wouldn't be able to take it, to once again have someone I care about at arm constant arm's length. But, I'm embarking on this again because I know it will be worth it - because I know, already, that you view the distance as a thing to tackle as partners and not individuals. Being logical about the difficulties we face isn't bad, and don't let yourself think of it as such. It's disappointing, to be sure, but being logical means we remain grounded and working together on this, not off in la-la-land and with vague hopes and dreams that stuff will magically come together. No, by being logical we know we will have to MAKE it work somehow, and if that doesn't give us the strength to deal with what in the grand scheme of life is a pretty minor thing, then we wouldn't deserve to be together in the first place.
As hard as logic can be, therein lies my hope - because we know what we're capable of doing in the real world, and we know if we want something bad enough that we can make it happen, one way or another. And hopefully it will be soon…. But if it can't happen by the end of this year, if money and time and commitments and holiday and work stresses get in the way, yes, it wil be disappointing, and we'll have to learn how to balance Skype and our personal lives and to accept that the desire to be with one another and the brief inability to accomplish that might make us frustrated or angry, but we will learn to do that and manage that and tackle that – if what we have is genuine and good and remains the pretty damn special thing it already is.
So be logical, and have hope, and marry the two together. Don't be afraid of having too much of one and not enough of the other - it will be transitory from time to time, and that's okay. Just talk about everything, and don't bottle things up, and we'll figure it all out as we go along.
You have every right in the world to feel nervous or unsettled at the possibilities between us, but you also have to look at it this way - that even if we were together in person, there's still no telling how a relationship might flourish or derail. We have to treat the distance as what it is - an annoyance but not an impediment to us getting to truly know the core of one another. Now you have someone who digs the living hell out of your mind and your body and can't wait to show you off to the world, and there's a giant fricking chunk of land between us. That's okay - think of how many more things could be worse. It's frustrating because we do mesh so well already, because I look at you and feel equal desire to sit and pick your brain all night as I do to simply take you in physically and be in your soft presence.
We want to give each other the most that we can - already. We just have to get past the distance to make everything that much more real. But think of how much worse things could be. Think of what life could have been had you settled for something less that your deal, as you mentioned last night. Think of all that and then look at the distance and see it for the pain in the ass that it is, but certainly not the be all and end all of difficulties to overcome. If we are committed, then it really only comes down to two things in the end: time, and money. Both are achievable with effort. And if we accept that our deal, perfect schedule for when we can meet might have to be malleable depending on our finances and time - because we're both adults with careers - and we both believe it WILL happen, and it WILL be brilliant, then just relax and let's both do what we can to change things for our betterment.

His words (and various other conversations) have taught me a few things:
Communication is key. When there’s no physical proximity and contact, words build the bridge and construct the entirety of the relationship. In shared space, it’s easy to let presence be the substitute for words, but across the miles, even with all the technology available, words become a critical part of interacting and sharing life. One of my friends explained that her friend calls and texts her so much that she feels like she knows his schedule as well as she does her own, because they talk so much, even sharing day-to-day stuff like getting a haircut or what they ate for lunch.
It takes work like any other relationship. No matter the dynamics of a relationship, time, commitment, and effort will always be required on the part of all involved. Even if you live in the same house, you have to make intentional time to not only share space, but to talk and to grow in the relationship. One of the advantages of mile-marked connections is that you don’t have the illusion of presence to trick you into settling in a relationship. When you don’t share that space, it makes you have to talk and communicate. When you do share that space, it easy to let things slide and not be as intentional, because you don’t feel you have to be. It still takes trust and patience and care and an open mind/heart, these levels just have to look different (and deeper) when there are miles and days/weeks/months in between.
Miles can create depth and accelerate relationship. Because communication is that much more important and it tends to be the major facet of the relationship, it creates more space for talking. And when people talk in space where they feel safe as they are building/maintaining relationship, they tend to share things that they might not ordinarily as they talk more and more. This can be especially true of late-night/early-morning conversations where doors of communication can be opened as comfort increases. Since talking is most of what is done, you get to know more about someone than you might on a date.
Mileage separation is not the worst thing in the world. Because of the advances in technology, it is possible to connect across the globe in many different forms. Even if I had a boo in Australia, we could still probably talk as much as a couple that lived across the street from one another and share life in a similar fashion. While the distance can be frustrating, because there may be times when you want to hug the person or snuggle with the person and no amount of technology can replace human touch, it does not have to be the thing that ends a relationship. So while it’s not my preference, and it does take a strong person (or a person willing to become strong as a result), it can be done.

Day 226 - Distance and Time

Distance and Time

While I didn’t necessarily feel this song when I first listened to it, I gave it another shot the other day, and I think I can appreciate it much more now. I have talked to a few people recently who are dealing with long distance relationships, and I am dedicating this blog to them. I may even blog about long distance relationships in the near future, so stay tuned… For now, enjoy this selection by Alicia Keys.

This song is dedicated to all the lovers who can’t be together – separated by distance and time.
“You are always on my mind. All I do is count the days. Where are you now? No, I’ll never let you down. I will never go away.” This song starts with a line that I believe is universally true in any caring relationship – the fact that the object of your care occupies a fair amount of your mental space. And in any caring relationship, there can be great anticipation of the moments when the two loved ones can reconnect. The difference in a long distance relationship is that the moments between meetings are longer, and so the sense of missing the person can be of a much deeper depth. And the feelings of desire and longing can deepen the emotional connection, because the physical is not able to be expressed. This can produce deeper senses of loyalty and commitment, as the push to make things work can be increased because of the miles.
“I really wish that you would stay but what will we do? All the days that you’ve been gone, I dream about you. And I anticipate the day that you will come home. No matter how far you are, no matter how long it takes him. Through distance and time, I’ll be waiting. And if you have to walk a million miles, I’ll wait a million days to see you smile. Distance and time – I’ll be waiting.” The chorus seems to allude to a day of togetherness, wishing that her love could stay, but the distance must once again separate them for whatever reason. But the distance between them doesn’t keep him from her mind or her heart. She anticipates his return, and she vows to wait for it. It doesn’t seem to matter if he is on the opposite end of the earth or if it will take 5 years, she is willing to wait. As long as he is making his way to her, she is willing to await his arrival. Now, I’m under no illusions that such waiting and dedication are easy. I personally cringe at the idea of a long distance relationship, because I know how I am about being close. But it seems as if the relationship that she has with her love makes the distance and the time almost irrelevant in the face of how she feels about him. Whatever they have is strong enough that she is willing to wait to see him again.
“Will you take a train to meet me where I am? Are you on your way? And I will never do anything to hurt you. I’ll never live without you.” As she waits, she watches for him. For her, it doesn’t matter how he gets back to her as long as the distance between them is closed sooner rather than later. And because the relationship is so precious and she cares as much as she does, she desires to do whatever she can to make it work and not cause anything to disrupt the relationship’s beauty. It seems that she recognizes the rarity and the importance of the shared moments (whether it’s communicating or in person), so she is putting her love into action and loving him in ways that would keep her from hurting him. And she has made the decision that, despite how far away they are, she doesn’t want him to not be a part of her life. She is strongly committed to making this work, and distance and time will not be the factors that end their relationship.

Day 225 - Rules of Dating

If the last few months dealing with love and relationships have taught me anything, it’s that we typically put way more boundaries and burdens into the whole process than are really necessary.  I think that, with the help of the media and fairy tales and the like, that we paint pictures in our mind of what our relationships will be like and what how our partners will look and what love feels like.  Unfortunately, I have come to learn that reality rarely matches up with the drawings that we create as children.  While we may picture a knight in shining armor, a handsome business man with a love for puppies, a beautiful princess with flowing hair and a tiny waist, or some other imagined fantasy, there is little chance that we will end  up with the exact image that we had in mind.  Part of the reason for that is that the flawless, amazing person we imagine doesn’t actually exist.  Everyone has flaws and quirks. 

But a major part of the reason for that is the fact that we typically don’t know what we need.  You may be thinking, I know myself better than anyone.  How can I not know what I need?  I’ve lived with me.  I know what makes me happy.  Yeah, I used to think the same thing, but the more I open my eyes and my heart to broader understandings of love, the more I realize that I don’t really have a clue.  If you’ll bear with me, I will walk you through some of the thoughts and conversations that led me to this understanding. 

Similar to the Checklist phenomenon, we all typically have “Rules” that we live and govern ourselves and our relationships by.  This can relate to any relationship, although the rules tend to shift depending on the nature of the relationship, but the point still stands.  You know the kind.  They usually start with “I don’t do….” or “I don’t normally….”  For instance, one such might be, “I don’t do long distance relationships,” but as one of my friends with this philosophy recently learned, maybe the person for you happens to live in… o, I don’t know, Canada at the current moment.  That doesn’t mean that they are any less the one for you.  It just means that there happen to be some miles in between you.  Now, I’m not saying that this is a bad rule.  I can understand it, because I personally don’t like the thought of long-distance relationships either.  Because I love touch and physical closeness as much as I do, this kind of relationship can be extremely difficult for me, but I’ve learned that miles, while difficult, are not insurmountable, especially with all the technology that exists.  But it does take a strong, trusting person to be in such a relationship.  And maybe, that kind of relationship is presented to a person in order to help that individual learn trust or better communication skills or things that aren’t as crucial in a relationship that is not long-distance.

Maybe your rule is not to be confrontational, so you stay away from anything that looks like an argument or even intense discussion.  But then you end up meeting someone who wants your opinion and wants you to talk back to them.  It’s possible that you are supposed to learn to stand up for yourself and value your own opinion.  And maybe, you need to learn to face your fear of confrontation and reshape your ideas about what arguments really mean.  I know that I had such a fear, because I thought that arguments meant anger, lack of approval, and lack of love.  But I’ve come to understand that such discussions, esp. when they have fruitful results (and not just yelling or hurt feelings) are part of a healthy relationship with open communication.  It also means that you care enough to feel invested and push for something in the relationship.

One of my favorites is the rule about how long we need to know someone before we feel a certain way or take a certain step in a relationship.  I had a friend lay out for me the way that she pictured a relationship going – friends/know each other for (at least) 6 months , date for a year and a half, and be engaged for 6 months.  The idea of love can’t come about until there has been at least of year of knowing each other.  Unfortunately, emotions don’t typically wear a watch.  They don’t register that it’s not logical to open up for someone who just walked into your life 3 days ago.  They don’t appreciate your desire not to get invested and involved quite yet because it doesn’t “make sense.”  And God forbid you find a real connection with someone.  Your emotions will run faster than athletes at a track meet, and your mind will be like the scientist trying to catch up.  I’m not saying that you should take your heart from your chest and hand it to the next person with a half an ounce of potential, but I am saying that trying to keep your emotions under lock and key until you think it’s the proper time will probably cause you more heartache than it will prevent in the long run.  How you handle the feelings is another situation entirely, but I’m saying that you have to be aware that rules for relationships don’t tend to make things better.  In fact, they tend to do more harm than good.

So am I saying to be reckless and go against everything you know?  No.  But I’m saying to evaluate your way of looking at things and open your heart to the possibilities that lie beyond your carefully constructed idea of the way things should be.   

Day 224 - Not Like Crazy

We’ve already established that I’m a huge fan of Jill Scott.  Enough said…  This is a beautiful song by beautiful lady.

“When we first met, I was surprised to get that feeling, that feeling – the kind that don’t wash away with soap.  So sweet to me.  The kind of feeling I need to get me through my darkest days.  For you, I prayed.”  Have you ever met someone and you knew instantly that there was something different about them and they that would impact your life in some major way?  That’s what she’s describing.  There are temporary feelings like lust, and then there are real feelings and connections that can only originate from a deeper place.  For her, she has been impacted in such a way, and this feeling has changed her life in a positive way.  It has given her inspiration to push forward, and it even feels like something that she prayed for.  I will say that sometimes we get things that we prayed for, even though they don’t necessarily come how we think they should.  She may have prayed for growth and received a relationship that pushes her.  Either way, she recognizes that she has prayed for something and that God is answering her request.

“What you do is crazy, babe.   Not like you belong in an asylum crazy, babe.  Like the sun in the morning and the moon at night.  Like the rain falling from the sky.  Like the trees growing from the ground.  I'm astounded, baby, by your love for me and your touching me and your trusting me like you do.”  I love the chorus, because it paints a different way of looking at “crazy,” creatively portraying crazy as just as normal as things found in nature.  And while the things her friend does may seem crazy in some ways, they are really just as natural as breathing and as the grass growing. 

“Even now, I still feel that feeling, although we’ve grown.  We’re still on the same side of the proverbial road, heading in the same direction.  I’m so glad to know with you I spend my time.”  The beauty of such a feeling when it originates from a deeper place is that it sticks around.  Time doesn’t cause it to fade, and the issues of life aren’t typically able to sway it. As their relationship has progressed, they have grown together, continuing to walk together toward a common purpose (which any good relationship will do.  Even though people have separate lives, they can still walk together toward a similar purpose).  Either way, the relationship seems to be blossoming and beautiful, and she is glad to be a part of it.

Day 223 - Puppy

“The difference between ‘butterflies’ in your stomach and actual love is the difference between seeing a picture of an adorable puppy and actually owning a dog.” – Kevin Michael Roberts
When I first read this statement, it struck me as one of the truest and most relevant statements I’d heard in a long time. I shared it with one of my friends, and she agreed. So let’s do what I do best and take a closer look.
When seeing a picture of an adorable puppy, you see the ideal. You are seeing a picture of a reality, but it is a reality that has likely been posed and photo-shopped, a moment set in time to present a desirable picture. And as a visually stimulated society, we have become impressed and enthralled with the looks and image of things. We are obsessed with celebrities and their looks, copying their fashion, their looks, their body shapes, etc. While we do have eyes for a reason, the fact that we need 3-D and HD TV and the art of radio has been all but lost in a lot of ways says that we are fixated on looking at things that please us. So, we can see an adorable puppy and react, feeling a flutter and even an emotional connection. But the moment is fleeting, as is the feeling, because there is only so much that can be gained from a photograph. Even though a picture is worth 1000 words, love has an infinite vocabulary, so this picturesque moment pales in comparison to the depth and complexity of actual relationship.
Even if I were to see that dog on the street being walked by its owner and get to pet and play with it for a bit, I would find a connection and an excitement in that moment. I would get to interact with more than the picture, bonding with the actual object of my affection as we enjoyed a precious moment together. I would equate this to a date or even a one-night stand. There is an excitement and even a fulfillment of a desire. The problem is that this interaction is a brief one that usually finds the two interacting on their best behavior, putting forward what they think the other wants so as to keep the “butterflies” and the high of the moment going.
But when you actually own and live with that puppy, you get to deal with house breaking the puppy, feeding it, taking it to the vet, walking it multiple times a day, dog breath, fleas, etc. You have to deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly of the reality of a dog and all the responsibility it entails. At the same time, you get the joy of being greeted with love when you come home, play time, companionship, and the benefits of being in a relationship that has been proven to provide health benefits over a lifetime. The same is true of love. While you have the reality of having to constantly communicate and work through things, seeing a person at the best and worst, disagreements and compromises, and even possible hurt and pain, you also get the beauty and healing power of love, companionship, intimacy, and the joy of sharing life with someone.
Is there anything wrong with admiring a picture of an adorable puppy? Not at all. I’ve often looked at a dog on TV or seen a friend’s dog and thought I’d like one of my own, but the reality is that this is a passing thought, and I’m not in the place financially or time-wise to be able to take care of a dog. And I think that we should be able to equally discerning about our ability to be in a relationship. We often see other people in love – be it on TV or in relationships around us – and we want that too, but we need to be able to real with ourselves as to whether that would be the best thing for us at this given moment. Will we always feel “ready” for a relationship when the opportunity presents itself? No. But if you just got out of a 3 year relationship last week or if you just had your heart seriously broken a month ago, you may want to take a little bit more time to heal before you try dating again. Let Love and some good friendship and some time heal you before you attempt to open something new.

Day 222 - Expectations Revisited

I love that in the time that I’ve been doing this blog, I have been able to grow and learn some things. To me, it means that there has been an evolution in my thinking and understanding of love. Day 49 was entitled “Expectations” and it was written surrounding an excerpt from The Shack (one of my favorite books – I recommend it to anyone). Well, I’ve been doing some thinking about expectations, especially since I’ve been talking to a few people about the topic, and I’d like to add to my previous understanding and dialogue about it. While there is some validity to what I originally said, I feel that I have to add some detail based on what I’ve recently learned.
I still think that specific, rigid expectations are a dangerous thing that can kill the beauty that can be love and relationship. But I do believe that there needs to be a certain level of understanding about the nature of the relationship in which you operate. What do I mean? When in a relationship with a person, no matter the level of relationship, you should have an understanding of where that person is (emotionally, mentally, maturity-wise, etc). With this information in mind, you can then shape your interactions and expectancy. For instance, if I’m aware that one of my friends is dealing with a broken heart or is really going through some things, I can’t expect that friend to be the one who pours into me when I am having issues at this season of life. I may have to love on my friend, giving more than I'm receiving because of where they are.
This doesn’t mean that the relationship is not mutual or that things will not change and I have to leave this friend in that box for the rest of life. It does, however, mean that I know where they are and respect that space. Oftentimes, we expect our friends to always pour into us and relate to us the same way, but life doesn’t allow that to happen. There will be times when you have to give more than you receive in a given relationship, but there will be times when you receive more than you give as well. We look for balance in one relationship, but the balance has to be found in our entire emotional support system. When I understand that one friend is unable to pour into me, I’m thinking that other folks I can lean on to help make up for what I’m pouring out on another end.
Of course, that concept only really works when you know how to receive love in whatever form it presents itself. One thing that holds us back is our concept of what love should look like and how it should come. We are typically taught that there is love for family and there is love for a romantic partner, but we aren’t typically taught about the healing love that friends and associates can provide. Is it nice to have a partner to share with? Absolutely. But even in that kind of relationship, you will not be able to get all that you need emotionally from that one person. That doesn’t mean you can cheat or have emotional affairs, but it does mean that you cannot expect one person to be your entire emotional world, no matter how much love you have for one another.
So what am I really saying? You can live in expectancy within your relationships, enjoying things as they build without setting strict standards and binding obligations, but the expectancy has to be shaped by a discerning understanding of your relationship partner. When you communicate where you are and vice versa, then you know what the other person needs and can provide at a given time. Communicating these things is key, though, because if your actions change suddenly, you may scare or hurt your partner. Each relationship in your life should work within an overall balance in your emotional support. Of course, you are the center and ultimate captain of your emotional sea, but you have to be aware of the crew and condition of the boat in order to ensure a fairly safe and successful journey.

Day 221 - It Kills Me

It Kills Me

When I first heard this song, I wrote it off. While I appreciated the voice, the lyrics were less than desirable. I forgot about the song until it showed up on my Pandora, and I figured it should be addressed, because there are some slightly disturbing lines in it.
“I’ve got trouble with my friends, trouble with my life, problems when you don’t come home at night. But when you do, you always start a fight. But I can’t be alone. I need you – come on home. I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?” From the beginning of this song, there are issues. It is clear from this first verse that the relationship that she’s in is causing problems. I can relate to the fact that when things are less than desirable in the emotional parts of your life (relationships), then everything else can be greatly impacted. It seems that her partner is missing in action, but presence doesn’t make things any better, because there is so much conflict. At this point, it seems like little question what the singer should do, because she knows that he is being unfaithful, yet she says, “But I can’t be alone.” Not only that, but she says, “I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?” Really? So, your reasons for staying in a clearly tumultuous and painful situation are the fact that you don’t wanna be lonely and the assumption that no one else will be with you? I have been single for a while, and I understand that struggle, but I am also single by choice, because I would rather be in a quality relationship that will enhance my life than to just be in something just to say I have someone or to have someone to cuddle with consistently. And as for thinking that no one else will be a viable option, I say that you’d be amazed at the opportunities you miss because your focus is on something else. It’s possible that there’s a much more suitable person right in front of her, but she can’t see it because of the situation that currently occupies her time and space.
“I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time. A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes. And it kills me to know how much I really love you. So much I wanna oo oo oo to you oo oo.” The chorus shows that she still thinks that there is some possibility and that she still wants to work through things. But she recognizes that it’s crazy to be thinking about trying to reconcile. Yet, love and sanity don’t necessarily seem to be partners in her reality, because she loves her partner dearly. It is understandable, because love can be a powerful thing and push us to hold on through some serious stuff. But there has to be a point at which love for self says that love for the other person is detrimental and needs to end in the interest of self. When you feel like your love for someone is killing you, that’s probably a sign….
“Should I grab his cell, call this chick up, start some shh, then hang up? Or should I be a lady? Ooo maybe, cuz I wanna have his babies. Cause I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t need to be on my own. I love this man, but some things I just can’t stand.” I take strong issue with the fact that she wants to call the other female. I don’t know if the other female knew or not, but the issue should be with the one you are in relationship with. If the female knew, then she was disrespectful, but her conflict should be with the man who said he was committed to her and then lied to her. And how are we defining being a lady? Not calling the woman that your man is cheating with? Not starting mess with someone who’s really not the one you need to confront? Standing by your man despite how he treats you? She decides to be a lady because she wants to be the mother of his kids. So she wants to be permanently connected, so she will stay in line in order to accomplish that end, even if it kills her. And again, her major reasoning for trying to make this work is the fact that she doesn’t want to be single. It is tragic that the mindset of society pushes us so hard against being single that we will suffer through relationships just to avoid it. It’s normal to see some quirks in the other person and love them beyond that, but we have to draw the line between quirks and deal-breakers (and have enough respect for ourselves to act on it).
“Should I pay him back to see how he’ll react, to see if he’ll react to my love?” When you are contemplating revenge or manipulation within a relationship, then it is time to strongly consider moving on. If you have to plot on how to get him to react to your love, then the love is most likely no longer there on his part. And if he is starting fights as she mentioned earlier in the song, he may be looking for a way out as well. My suggestion – move on and love yourself a little better.

Day 220 - Make Me Better

“I’m a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we’re together.  Mami, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better.”  I absolutely love the chorus to this song.  It really epitomizes what relationships should be.  There is a prevailing thought (and some media with the theme) that “I can do bad all by myself,” so ideally, any relationship we engage in should help us and enhance our lives in some way.  Otherwise, for all the work and stress that relationships take, it would be MUCH easier to just be by ourselves.  This chorus captures this truth, as this man expresses the fact that he is sufficient by himself, but the woman in his life makes him even better than he is by himself. 

“You plus me, it equal better math.  Your boy a good look, but she my better half.  I’m already boss and I’m already flossing, but why have the cake if it ain’t got the sweet frosting?  Keeping me on my A game without having the same name.  They may flame, but shorty, we burn it up.  The sag in my swag.  The pep in my step.  Daddy do the Gucci, Mami in Gisettes.  Yes, it’s a G thing whenever we swing.  Imma need Coretta Scott if I’m gon be King.”  He starts this verse by essentially saying that their union as a whole is greater than the sum of the two of them.  As he is on his own, he’s great and he has it going on, but with her, things are exponentially greater.  She is the complement to his already established and amazing life.  Cake by itself is good, but icing just adds that extra kick of sweetness that makes it taste that much better.  They may not be married or related, but she adds to his life and helps keep him in check, doing his best.  He recognizes that in order for him to do great things, he will need some good support, and he sees that as her.  This can be true for all of us, whether it’s a good friend, a parent, a sibling, a romantic relationship, or even a community of folks – none of us can do and be all that we are supposed to on our own.  Of course, we have to take the time to establish and nurture quality relationships that will help us get where we want to be, because it doesn’t help to have people around just to say that you have someone.

“First things first – does what I do.  Everything I am, she’s my improve.  I’m already boss.  I’m already fly, but if I’m a star, she is the sky.  And when I feel like I'm on top, she give me reason to not stop.  And though I’m hot, together we burn it up.”  The woman in his life seems to be his motivator and his encouragement.  She gives him reason to do what he does and she even seems to be the backdrop to what he does, being the sky in which the stars shine.  Reminds me of the concept of “wind beneath my wings” – while the wind may not be seen, the bird cannot fly without it.  It plays a supportive role even from the background.

“The cleaned up cut, the cleaned up ice – when Shorty come around, I clean up nice.  Dynamic duo – Batman and Robin.  Whoever don’t like it, it’s that man’s problem.  And when I feel like I'm tired, Mami be taking me higher.  I’m on fire, but Shorty, we burn it up.”  His girl inspires him to do better and maintain his appearance.  It’s not a matter of looking good to impress or even keep the one you’re with – it’s about putting in effort to show the person that you care enough to clean up for them and look nice.  And he regards their relationship so highly that he says that anyone who doesn’t like it is irrelevant, writing it off as that person’s issue to contend with and not one that will affect his relationship with his girl.  He knows that he can’t do what he does as well as he does without her, because she helps him keep going when things get tough, and because of this, they do great things together.

“Cuz beside every great man, you can find a woman like a soldier holding him down.  She treats me like a Don – watches for the hit.  Checks where I go, even watches who I’m with.  Right when I'm wrong so I never slip.  Show me how to move – that’s why I never trip.  And baby girl, you so major, they should front page you.  God bless the parents who made you.  Middle finger anybody who hate the way we burn it up.”  Beside every great person is a great support.  No matter how great someone is as an individual, that person needs someone to watch their back and help them see things.  His girl watches his associates, because she understands that the people you surround yourself with influence you greatly.  She watches what he does and advises him on how to make the best moves.  He appreciates what she does, saying she should be on the front page of the newspaper, held up for all to see.  He even thanks God for her parents who were brought together to create her.  And once again, he defies anyone to come against their relationship.  He recognizes that there may be haters, but he’s not concerned about their opinion.  I wish that in life it were always this easy to dismiss people’s opinions of relationships, but that’s its own blog entry….

Day 219 - I Think I Love U

“We’ve been together less than a week, but I swear it seems like to 2 years at least.  Whether face to face or over the phone, when I hear your voice, I’m right at home.  You’re so beautiful – more than a man could ever want, girl.  Got me looking for cameras to see if I’m being punked.  Trying to take it slow.  Ain’t no sense in lying to you or to myself.”  This first verse brings a confession by the singer of the song.  He has been dating this girl for a short time, but the connection and vibe that they have makes it seem as if it’s been much longer.  Part of me thinks that they have been talking for a while before they became official, which helps this make more sense, but no matter the timeline, he feels that it’s probably too short for him to feel the way that he does.  Yet, he recognizes the comfort that he finds with her and the beauty that defines her.  Things seem too good to be true, and he finds himself checking to make sure that this is real, because it feels like a dream or a scripted TV show.

“I know it’s early.  I know it’s soon, but truth be told, I think I love you.  It’s unexpected, so out of the blue.  Gotta let you know – I think I love you.”  And the chorus breaks out just what he feels.  He recognizes that the time has been short, but he cannot deny how he feels.  He feels that he loves her.  The depth of his feelings has caught him off guard, but he wants her to know how he feels.  [Now, this is where the things I’ve learned about love in the time since starting this blog are beginning to stir within me.  This might just be how I function, but I have come to understand love as a basic way of relating.  Does that mean that I love someone as soon as I meet them?  No.  But as I get to know a person, especially if I can feel some resonance with them, I begin to love them.  This doesn’t mean that I’m in love with everyone I know or that I want to romantically involved with them all.  It means that I have a level of care for and commitment to each person I know, and I want to see them happy and grow, becoming the best that they can be.  In my mind, this is love.  As I explained to a friend recently, I am an all or nothing person in relationships.  I'm selective as to who I really let in, but if I care about you, I care for real.]

“The way you touch me.  The way you look at me.  Everything about you is so, so sexy.  You do your own thing.  You got your own money.  Everything about you is so damn beautiful.  More than a man could ever want, girl.  Got me looking for Ashton to see if I’m being punked.  Trying to take it slow.  Ain’t no sense in lying to you or to myself.”  His girl has everything – beauty, independence, sexual appeal, etc.  The connection they have is phenomenal, and she affects him in a major (positive) way that blows his mind.  Because of this, he is even looking for Ashton Kutcher to come out from hiding and tell him that he’s been punked, because there’s no way anything this awesome could be real.

“I never felt this way so fast, so fast about anyone.  Hate to admit it but I got it bad, baby girl.  But it’s a good thing.”  In his previous relationships, time has never brought a love like this so quickly.  He’s got it bad, but he sees it as a positive.  While the timetable on the love is surprisingly short, he is okay with it, because of the beauty that he experiences in the situation.