Because many of my conversations recently have been about relationships that have to take place across some miles, I figured I would take a moment to dedicate this entry to such. I have chosen to call them “mile-marked connections,” because the idea of distance in a relationship is bothersome to me. There are people who live in the same house and experience more distance than people who live miles away. Therefore, the distinction between the “average” relationship and the mile-marked connection is the miles that separate the pair geographically. I personally haven’t been in a mile-marked connection since high school, mainly because the thought of that type of relationship is draining to me. But in hearing my friend talk about hers, I have much more respect for it. Part of the reason I have begun to further respect such situations is because of what my friend’s boyfriend (admittedly it feels weird to say that about this particularly situation, but that’s not neither here nor there) had to say in reassuring her. Here are some of his words:
I'd be lying if I denied having some of this fear myself - because I've tried distance in the past… and it didn't just "not work," it also wounded me in a great many ways exhausting what I had inside. I didn't want to do it again because I feared I wouldn't be able to take it, to once again have someone I care about at arm constant arm's length. But, I'm embarking on this again because I know it will be worth it - because I know, already, that you view the distance as a thing to tackle as partners and not individuals. Being logical about the difficulties we face isn't bad, and don't let yourself think of it as such. It's disappointing, to be sure, but being logical means we remain grounded and working together on this, not off in la-la-land and with vague hopes and dreams that stuff will magically come together. No, by being logical we know we will have to MAKE it work somehow, and if that doesn't give us the strength to deal with what in the grand scheme of life is a pretty minor thing, then we wouldn't deserve to be together in the first place.
As hard as logic can be, therein lies my hope - because we know what we're capable of doing in the real world, and we know if we want something bad enough that we can make it happen, one way or another. And hopefully it will be soon…. But if it can't happen by the end of this year, if money and time and commitments and holiday and work stresses get in the way, yes, it wil be disappointing, and we'll have to learn how to balance Skype and our personal lives and to accept that the desire to be with one another and the brief inability to accomplish that might make us frustrated or angry, but we will learn to do that and manage that and tackle that – if what we have is genuine and good and remains the pretty damn special thing it already is.
So be logical, and have hope, and marry the two together. Don't be afraid of having too much of one and not enough of the other - it will be transitory from time to time, and that's okay. Just talk about everything, and don't bottle things up, and we'll figure it all out as we go along.
You have every right in the world to feel nervous or unsettled at the possibilities between us, but you also have to look at it this way - that even if we were together in person, there's still no telling how a relationship might flourish or derail. We have to treat the distance as what it is - an annoyance but not an impediment to us getting to truly know the core of one another. Now you have someone who digs the living hell out of your mind and your body and can't wait to show you off to the world, and there's a giant fricking chunk of land between us. That's okay - think of how many more things could be worse. It's frustrating because we do mesh so well already, because I look at you and feel equal desire to sit and pick your brain all night as I do to simply take you in physically and be in your soft presence.
We want to give each other the most that we can - already. We just have to get past the distance to make everything that much more real. But think of how much worse things could be. Think of what life could have been had you settled for something less that your deal, as you mentioned last night. Think of all that and then look at the distance and see it for the pain in the ass that it is, but certainly not the be all and end all of difficulties to overcome. If we are committed, then it really only comes down to two things in the end: time, and money. Both are achievable with effort. And if we accept that our deal, perfect schedule for when we can meet might have to be malleable depending on our finances and time - because we're both adults with careers - and we both believe it WILL happen, and it WILL be brilliant, then just relax and let's both do what we can to change things for our betterment.
His words (and various other conversations) have taught me a few things:
Communication is key. When there’s no physical proximity and contact, words build the bridge and construct the entirety of the relationship. In shared space, it’s easy to let presence be the substitute for words, but across the miles, even with all the technology available, words become a critical part of interacting and sharing life. One of my friends explained that her friend calls and texts her so much that she feels like she knows his schedule as well as she does her own, because they talk so much, even sharing day-to-day stuff like getting a haircut or what they ate for lunch.
It takes work like any other relationship. No matter the dynamics of a relationship, time, commitment, and effort will always be required on the part of all involved. Even if you live in the same house, you have to make intentional time to not only share space, but to talk and to grow in the relationship. One of the advantages of mile-marked connections is that you don’t have the illusion of presence to trick you into settling in a relationship. When you don’t share that space, it makes you have to talk and communicate. When you do share that space, it easy to let things slide and not be as intentional, because you don’t feel you have to be. It still takes trust and patience and care and an open mind/heart, these levels just have to look different (and deeper) when there are miles and days/weeks/months in between.
Miles can create depth and accelerate relationship. Because communication is that much more important and it tends to be the major facet of the relationship, it creates more space for talking. And when people talk in space where they feel safe as they are building/maintaining relationship, they tend to share things that they might not ordinarily as they talk more and more. This can be especially true of late-night/early-morning conversations where doors of communication can be opened as comfort increases. Since talking is most of what is done, you get to know more about someone than you might on a date.
Mileage separation is not the worst thing in the world. Because of the advances in technology, it is possible to connect across the globe in many different forms. Even if I had a boo in Australia, we could still probably talk as much as a couple that lived across the street from one another and share life in a similar fashion. While the distance can be frustrating, because there may be times when you want to hug the person or snuggle with the person and no amount of technology can replace human touch, it does not have to be the thing that ends a relationship. So while it’s not my preference, and it does take a strong person (or a person willing to become strong as a result), it can be done.
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