Day 228 - Labels

Labels

I had a wonderful conversation this morning with one of my good friends, and it corresponded to something I have been learning lately and that is the lack of importance of labels. As humans, we tend to categorize things naturally. When kids are growing up, once they understand the concept of car, everything with 4 wheels is a car until things are further lineated into more specific categories like truck, SUV, etc. Now, this can be useful when we are learning to identify things in the world around us, but not so much when dealing with other people, because other people rarely, if ever completely fit into the category and label ascribed to them. Just because I’m “black” (a term that has enough of its own history and issues as a label) or I’m a female, you may assume certain things about me based on that label, but it is likely that most of your assumptions would be incorrect. Now, biologically and anatomically, yes, I am a female, but that doesn’t mean that I fit all of what the mainstream culture associates with what is properly feminine.
But the focus of this conversation was concerns about labels in relationships. We talked about the fact that since we were born, the media has been pushing us with fairy tales, teen dramas, and romantic comedies/dramas toward the “ultimate” relationship – marriage. It’s almost as if we are bred and socialized to live in such a way that we can get married and have kids, raising our kids to do the same. If you don’t get married, especially by a certain age, then something is wrong with you. If you are single too long, people start to wonder. If you are in a relationship too long without taking it to the “next level” (engagement or marriage), people start to wonder. This kind of pressure and thinking can make people so afraid of being single that they will attach themselves to anyone and anything just to say that they have someone.
My question is why? First of all, why is everyone so concerned about the relationships of other people? Unless the relationship (or lack thereof) is hurting someone or destroying their life, then why does it matter who I'm seeing and what the relationship looks like? Why is my singleness cause for concern and pity? Why is marriage the ultimate goal for relationships, and why are we in a hurry to get to that finish line? Why is it not just enough to relate and enjoy the connection that you share with another person?
I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with marriage or relationship (that’s another entry entirely), but what I’m come to learn is that when marriage and the “next level” is constantly the focus, it is hard to appreciate the relationship and its beauty and its dynamics. You are always focused on impressing the person and pushing things forward so that you can get where you’re going. But when you’re not concerned about moving up the ladder – from talking or dating to official to engaged to married or however things progress with you – then you are not under the pressure to impress someone or to make them like you. This allows you to be yourself and simply function in relationship rather than trying to create/manufacture relationship. One of the major problems I see in marriages is that people play nice and stay all dressed up until they get married and then the real person comes out. Since you’ve now gotten what you want, you feel no more need to let that annoying habit continue or to hide that thing that you’ve been keeping hidden.
If instead the goal is connection, then I believe the rest will fall into place much more easily and authentically. My friend said that when people get into official relationships and add titles, things tend to change and people “act up,” becoming some other person. While it is true that different levels of commitment or relationship mean that things have to shift in some way – i.e. going from dating/talking to multiple people to being exclusive – but this label should not flip a switch within you and make you completely different since you’ve now gotten what you want. When your focus instead is building greater connection for the purposes of love and healing (as all relationships have the potential to bring), then the titles lack the importance of the love that is built. Now, this is not to say that acknowledging before God and humans that your relationship will entail a level of commitment and sharing that with the collective community, but it is to say that the center of the relationship should be the actual relationship and not what it is being called. As long as the people within the relationship are communicating effectively, respecting each other, and showing love to the other person and themselves, then the label will be just icing on the cake.