I love that in the time that I’ve been doing this blog, I have been able to grow and learn some things. To me, it means that there has been an evolution in my thinking and understanding of love. Day 49 was entitled “Expectations” and it was written surrounding an excerpt from The Shack (one of my favorite books – I recommend it to anyone). Well, I’ve been doing some thinking about expectations, especially since I’ve been talking to a few people about the topic, and I’d like to add to my previous understanding and dialogue about it. While there is some validity to what I originally said, I feel that I have to add some detail based on what I’ve recently learned.
I still think that specific, rigid expectations are a dangerous thing that can kill the beauty that can be love and relationship. But I do believe that there needs to be a certain level of understanding about the nature of the relationship in which you operate. What do I mean? When in a relationship with a person, no matter the level of relationship, you should have an understanding of where that person is (emotionally, mentally, maturity-wise, etc). With this information in mind, you can then shape your interactions and expectancy. For instance, if I’m aware that one of my friends is dealing with a broken heart or is really going through some things, I can’t expect that friend to be the one who pours into me when I am having issues at this season of life. I may have to love on my friend, giving more than I'm receiving because of where they are.
This doesn’t mean that the relationship is not mutual or that things will not change and I have to leave this friend in that box for the rest of life. It does, however, mean that I know where they are and respect that space. Oftentimes, we expect our friends to always pour into us and relate to us the same way, but life doesn’t allow that to happen. There will be times when you have to give more than you receive in a given relationship, but there will be times when you receive more than you give as well. We look for balance in one relationship, but the balance has to be found in our entire emotional support system. When I understand that one friend is unable to pour into me, I’m thinking that other folks I can lean on to help make up for what I’m pouring out on another end.
Of course, that concept only really works when you know how to receive love in whatever form it presents itself. One thing that holds us back is our concept of what love should look like and how it should come. We are typically taught that there is love for family and there is love for a romantic partner, but we aren’t typically taught about the healing love that friends and associates can provide. Is it nice to have a partner to share with? Absolutely. But even in that kind of relationship, you will not be able to get all that you need emotionally from that one person. That doesn’t mean you can cheat or have emotional affairs, but it does mean that you cannot expect one person to be your entire emotional world, no matter how much love you have for one another.
So what am I really saying? You can live in expectancy within your relationships, enjoying things as they build without setting strict standards and binding obligations, but the expectancy has to be shaped by a discerning understanding of your relationship partner. When you communicate where you are and vice versa, then you know what the other person needs and can provide at a given time. Communicating these things is key, though, because if your actions change suddenly, you may scare or hurt your partner. Each relationship in your life should work within an overall balance in your emotional support. Of course, you are the center and ultimate captain of your emotional sea, but you have to be aware of the crew and condition of the boat in order to ensure a fairly safe and successful journey.
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