If the last few months dealing with love and relationships have taught me anything, it’s that we typically put way more boundaries and burdens into the whole process than are really necessary. I think that, with the help of the media and fairy tales and the like, that we paint pictures in our mind of what our relationships will be like and what how our partners will look and what love feels like. Unfortunately, I have come to learn that reality rarely matches up with the drawings that we create as children. While we may picture a knight in shining armor, a handsome business man with a love for puppies, a beautiful princess with flowing hair and a tiny waist, or some other imagined fantasy, there is little chance that we will end up with the exact image that we had in mind. Part of the reason for that is that the flawless, amazing person we imagine doesn’t actually exist. Everyone has flaws and quirks.
But a major part of the reason for that is the fact that we typically don’t know what we need. You may be thinking, I know myself better than anyone. How can I not know what I need? I’ve lived with me. I know what makes me happy. Yeah, I used to think the same thing, but the more I open my eyes and my heart to broader understandings of love, the more I realize that I don’t really have a clue. If you’ll bear with me, I will walk you through some of the thoughts and conversations that led me to this understanding.
Similar to the Checklist phenomenon, we all typically have “Rules” that we live and govern ourselves and our relationships by. This can relate to any relationship, although the rules tend to shift depending on the nature of the relationship, but the point still stands. You know the kind. They usually start with “I don’t do….” or “I don’t normally….” For instance, one such might be, “I don’t do long distance relationships,” but as one of my friends with this philosophy recently learned, maybe the person for you happens to live in… o, I don’t know, Canada at the current moment. That doesn’t mean that they are any less the one for you. It just means that there happen to be some miles in between you. Now, I’m not saying that this is a bad rule. I can understand it, because I personally don’t like the thought of long-distance relationships either. Because I love touch and physical closeness as much as I do, this kind of relationship can be extremely difficult for me, but I’ve learned that miles, while difficult, are not insurmountable, especially with all the technology that exists. But it does take a strong, trusting person to be in such a relationship. And maybe, that kind of relationship is presented to a person in order to help that individual learn trust or better communication skills or things that aren’t as crucial in a relationship that is not long-distance.
Maybe your rule is not to be confrontational, so you stay away from anything that looks like an argument or even intense discussion. But then you end up meeting someone who wants your opinion and wants you to talk back to them. It’s possible that you are supposed to learn to stand up for yourself and value your own opinion. And maybe, you need to learn to face your fear of confrontation and reshape your ideas about what arguments really mean. I know that I had such a fear, because I thought that arguments meant anger, lack of approval, and lack of love. But I’ve come to understand that such discussions, esp. when they have fruitful results (and not just yelling or hurt feelings) are part of a healthy relationship with open communication. It also means that you care enough to feel invested and push for something in the relationship.
One of my favorites is the rule about how long we need to know someone before we feel a certain way or take a certain step in a relationship. I had a friend lay out for me the way that she pictured a relationship going – friends/know each other for (at least) 6 months , date for a year and a half, and be engaged for 6 months. The idea of love can’t come about until there has been at least of year of knowing each other. Unfortunately, emotions don’t typically wear a watch. They don’t register that it’s not logical to open up for someone who just walked into your life 3 days ago. They don’t appreciate your desire not to get invested and involved quite yet because it doesn’t “make sense.” And God forbid you find a real connection with someone. Your emotions will run faster than athletes at a track meet, and your mind will be like the scientist trying to catch up. I’m not saying that you should take your heart from your chest and hand it to the next person with a half an ounce of potential, but I am saying that trying to keep your emotions under lock and key until you think it’s the proper time will probably cause you more heartache than it will prevent in the long run. How you handle the feelings is another situation entirely, but I’m saying that you have to be aware that rules for relationships don’t tend to make things better. In fact, they tend to do more harm than good.
So am I saying to be reckless and go against everything you know? No. But I’m saying to evaluate your way of looking at things and open your heart to the possibilities that lie beyond your carefully constructed idea of the way things should be.
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