Day 221 - It Kills Me

It Kills Me

When I first heard this song, I wrote it off. While I appreciated the voice, the lyrics were less than desirable. I forgot about the song until it showed up on my Pandora, and I figured it should be addressed, because there are some slightly disturbing lines in it.
“I’ve got trouble with my friends, trouble with my life, problems when you don’t come home at night. But when you do, you always start a fight. But I can’t be alone. I need you – come on home. I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?” From the beginning of this song, there are issues. It is clear from this first verse that the relationship that she’s in is causing problems. I can relate to the fact that when things are less than desirable in the emotional parts of your life (relationships), then everything else can be greatly impacted. It seems that her partner is missing in action, but presence doesn’t make things any better, because there is so much conflict. At this point, it seems like little question what the singer should do, because she knows that he is being unfaithful, yet she says, “But I can’t be alone.” Not only that, but she says, “I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?” Really? So, your reasons for staying in a clearly tumultuous and painful situation are the fact that you don’t wanna be lonely and the assumption that no one else will be with you? I have been single for a while, and I understand that struggle, but I am also single by choice, because I would rather be in a quality relationship that will enhance my life than to just be in something just to say I have someone or to have someone to cuddle with consistently. And as for thinking that no one else will be a viable option, I say that you’d be amazed at the opportunities you miss because your focus is on something else. It’s possible that there’s a much more suitable person right in front of her, but she can’t see it because of the situation that currently occupies her time and space.
“I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time. A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes. And it kills me to know how much I really love you. So much I wanna oo oo oo to you oo oo.” The chorus shows that she still thinks that there is some possibility and that she still wants to work through things. But she recognizes that it’s crazy to be thinking about trying to reconcile. Yet, love and sanity don’t necessarily seem to be partners in her reality, because she loves her partner dearly. It is understandable, because love can be a powerful thing and push us to hold on through some serious stuff. But there has to be a point at which love for self says that love for the other person is detrimental and needs to end in the interest of self. When you feel like your love for someone is killing you, that’s probably a sign….
“Should I grab his cell, call this chick up, start some shh, then hang up? Or should I be a lady? Ooo maybe, cuz I wanna have his babies. Cause I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t need to be on my own. I love this man, but some things I just can’t stand.” I take strong issue with the fact that she wants to call the other female. I don’t know if the other female knew or not, but the issue should be with the one you are in relationship with. If the female knew, then she was disrespectful, but her conflict should be with the man who said he was committed to her and then lied to her. And how are we defining being a lady? Not calling the woman that your man is cheating with? Not starting mess with someone who’s really not the one you need to confront? Standing by your man despite how he treats you? She decides to be a lady because she wants to be the mother of his kids. So she wants to be permanently connected, so she will stay in line in order to accomplish that end, even if it kills her. And again, her major reasoning for trying to make this work is the fact that she doesn’t want to be single. It is tragic that the mindset of society pushes us so hard against being single that we will suffer through relationships just to avoid it. It’s normal to see some quirks in the other person and love them beyond that, but we have to draw the line between quirks and deal-breakers (and have enough respect for ourselves to act on it).
“Should I pay him back to see how he’ll react, to see if he’ll react to my love?” When you are contemplating revenge or manipulation within a relationship, then it is time to strongly consider moving on. If you have to plot on how to get him to react to your love, then the love is most likely no longer there on his part. And if he is starting fights as she mentioned earlier in the song, he may be looking for a way out as well. My suggestion – move on and love yourself a little better.