Day 201 - Lovable

"The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you weren't very lovable."
For me, this is the definition of grace.  While I consider myself a great person, I know good and well that I'm not perfect and that I can definitely be a bit of a handful.  I have a penchant for sarcasm and my quick wit can be a bit stinging.  I can be quite introverted and reserved.  I can be cranky when I'm hungry, and I'm not always the picture of compassion and love that I write about in my blog.  I've come through a lot of things in my life that left me with some rough edges.  Thankfully, I've had some good people in my life who have been my sandpaper, helping to smooth those edges and allow me to change and grow while remaining patient in relationship with me.
I know that my insecurities and issues have made me less than easy to deal with at times, and I've seen the effects of my stuff on other people.  As a borderline introvert, I tend to live much of my life in my head.  Because of that, I figured that my issues were only things that I could see and that only affected me.  Because I was so used to keeping my stuff to myself and doing my stuff on my own, and I didn't recognize the fact that people who genuinely cared for me could see/feel those things and that they affected our relationship.  For example, the fact that I was extremely guarded meant that I was unwilling to share certain things close to my heart that were going on with me.  This can be frustrating for people who want to get to know me and draw closer to me.  And it can even be hurtful when they share and I don't. 
So I am thankful for the people are old enough or wise enough or sensitive enough to be able to see the potential in me and worked with me, loving when I was something of an @$$.  Those are what I call beautiful people.  Have there been people in your life who were willing to walk you through some of the tougher times in your life?  And are you willing/able to do that for others?  Because of the love shown to me by others in my growing seasons, I have become equipped to do the same for other people. 

Day 200 - Make Me a Woman

While the video is of the song “Tonight is the Night” by Betty Wright, it will not be addressing this song so much as the concept behind it.  As I listened to it the other day, I thought about what it was saying, and I my mind began to ponder what the song was really saying.  It’s the story of a young woman (whose age is unknown but presumably under 18 as she still lives in her parents’ house and is concerned about them coming home and catching them) who is about to lose her virginity to her (presumably) experienced partner.  She’s nervous and unsure, but wants to become a woman.

“Tonight is the night that you make me a woman.”  More than once, I’ve heard this concept (on both sides of the gender line), and it’s admittedly disturbing.  Why is sex the determiner of someone’s womanhood or manhood?  With such an emphasis, it’s no wonder there is so much teen pregnancy and irresponsible sexual behavior.  If people (especially teenagers and young adults who haven’t had enough life experience and affirmation to be assured within themselves) believe such a concept, then they seek to become “adults” in this superficial way, even when they aren’t ready to appreciate the consequences of their actions.  I am not made a woman by the act of a penis penetrating my vagina anymore than a man is made such by doing the penetrating.  Once again, most species of animals have sex, and that doesn’t make the male cat a man or the female whale a woman.  It makes them biologically male or female.  And even that can be tricky when there are people who are born without clear genital indication as to what they are.  The fact that they live in a gray area can complicate their lives and cause issues of identity and conformity. 

With this much pressure on sex as the definitive line separating boys and men/girls and women, it’s little wonder that our society centers on sex, pushing it as the motivation for and the answer to everything in life.  People who have never had sex feel the pressure to do so, typically feeling inadequate in some way.  People who have lots of sex (whether with the same person or with multiple partners) are somehow “better” in some people’s minds.  For the record, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with sex – it is a beautiful thing that can bring pleasure and intimacy and enhance the connection between two loving parties – but I am saying that it shouldn’t be the driving force of our lives or the determiner of our identities.  Having sex doesn’t flip a switch within a person and automatically make them a mature, intelligent adult.  It can change one’s life, but it doesn’t automatically make one into a man or a woman.

“I can hear your car door slam.  I wanna play big girl and put on a sexy smile, but I know so little about what love is that I just can’t help acting like a child.  You’re knocking on my door and you’re ringing my bell.  Hope you’re not impatient after waiting so very long.  A whole year I’ve put you off with my silly hang-ups….”  This particular portion of the song paints the picture of a younger woman who is nervous about sex and seems to have been pressured in some way by an older partner.  My concern is that her silly hang-ups may not have been silly and that she had valid concerns about having sex, but these were dismissed or argued away by the partner.  She admits to knowing little about love, not even saying that she’s in love, but has decided that it’s time for her to “play big girl” and become a woman the only way she knows how.  Unfortunately, it is that type of pressure and thinking that lead to so many teen pregnancies and even abortions.  Guys push to have sex to feel like men.  Girls give into the demand in order to feel loved and to feel like women.  Unfortunately, this decision isn’t always made with the future in mind, especially among younger people, and the consequences of pregnancy, STDs, emotional pain, etc. don’t play into the decision to have sex. 

In my mind, what makes someone a man or a woman is the ability to understand and appreciate their actions and the consequences, processing such in a way that takes into account the effects that will be felt by self and others, because you are no longer the center of your own world.  It also includes being willing and able to take responsibility for one’s actions.  Now, by that definition, there are some 15 year olds who are more adult than some 50 year olds, but I believe that responsibility and consideration for others mark adult thinking.  Besides that, being a man/woman is more in the attitude than it is the age or sexual activity.  And there are as many manifestations of womanhood/manhood as there are women/men in the world, and no box can contain all of it means to be either. 

So love yourself and others enough to get beyond this archaic definition of womanhood/manhood.  Sex is an important act and something that should be treated with the respect and reverence it deserves.  It is something that should take place between 2 adults who are consenting and who are mature and responsible enough to appreciate the consequences beyond the orgasm (and preferably in a healthy, mutual, committed, loving relationship).  But in no way does sex make someone more or less of a woman/man.  Sex has been so often used as a weapon or a means of gaining power that it has taken on a connotation that it never deserved.  It’s time to redefine ourselves by something other than the activity of our genitals. 

Day 199 - Someday, Someway

Admittedly this song has more sentimental value than anything else, but I appreciate its simplicity and some of the lines (of which there are few).  Years and ages ago, I dated a guy who was a bit of a singer.  In one of the groups that he sang in, he led this song, and it has touched me slightly ever since. 

“I can’t stand to see you sad.  I can’t bear to hear you cry.  If you can’t tell me what you need, then all I can do is wonder why.”  This opening to the song caught me right away, because I’m of the compassionate persuasion.  I don’t like seeing people cry, especially those I love.  While it is assumed that this song is about a romantic relationship, I can apply it more broadly than that (as I often do).  I’ve come to realize that I am a “fix things” type of person.  If something is wrong, I want to do whatever I can to help fix it and make things better.  And I’m also fairly good at following directions – especially when it comes to relationships – so if you tell me what you want (explicitly, because I’m not necessarily the greatest with hints) – then I will do all in my power to make it happen.  But if you don’t tell me anything, despite my discernment/sensitivity, I’m not necessarily gonna know that something is up or how to deal with it.   

“Someday, someway… Someday, someway…  Someday, someway, maybe I’ll understand you.”  The chorus is a bit interesting.  It almost seems hopeful and hopeless at the same time – while he wants to understand what’s going on with his friend, it seems like a long-distance goal that will be difficult to reach.  The way to understand his friend, in my mind, is simply open and honest communication on both sides.  And that seems to be what he was asking for in the first verse – to be told what his friend needs.  Admittedly, there are things in life that can make a person unable or less able to articulate what they need, and I understand that.  I know that expressing my needs isn’t always the easiest thing for me, but as I’m learning to be in adult relationships with adult people, I have to be willing to know and express what I need to help the relationship be healthy and loving.  So understanding isn’t a matter of “someday” when you flip a magical switch or “someway” because you’ve just hung out long enough.  It’s a matter of intentionally working with a person and talking through things.

“After all you’ve done for me, all I really want to do is take the love you brought my way and give it all right back to you.”  I especially love this line, because I feel that way about some of the amazing people in my life.  Despite the issues that I’ve dealt with in terms of people, I have been blessed to have some people really surround me and love me.  When that is the case – both with God and with people – my natural response is to want to love them back and pour back into them as they have for me.  I really think love should work that way whenever possible and be reciprocal.  It would be selfish to just receive and take the love that someone gives without working to give the same back to them.  Besides, love is a beautiful thing, and if you really breathe it in and feel it as it is, you can’t help but be touched and respond with love.

“Someday, someway… Someday, someway…  Someday, someway, maybe you’ll understand me.”  This time, the chorus is about the singer being understood.  Once again, communication is the key.  Just as he wanted his friend to express needs, he has to be willing to do the same.  It is a terrible feeling to be misunderstood, but if you haven’t made the effort to share, then misunderstanding is inevitable.  And if you have shared but the person can’t/won’t hear you, then maybe communication styles or even the relationship itself needs to be re-evaluated.

“You’ve taken everything from me.  I’ve taken everything from you.  I’ll love you for my whole life through.”  This line is a bit interesting.  I understand the part about loving someone your whole life through, but I’m not entirely sure about the first 2 sentences.  Maybe it’s the process of two becoming one as happens in relationships – you share and meld to the point where you become a unit of sorts.  While there are still two individuals, the give and take creates a sense of connection and oneness.  Adult relationships require giving of self and working with another person to the point that you evolve and grow as a result.  The language of “take” is a bit interesting, and hopefully they haven’t taken from each other in the negative sense of stripping.  I am going to hope that it is instead taking in the sense of creating an intimate space that takes away the fear and the preconceived notions and the previous baggage, leaving two people who are more happy and whole for having known each other.  This kind of space is the birthplace of lifelong love.

Day 198 - God and Sex

"You're closest to God when you are having sex, because it's then that you are a co-creator with God." For many of the people who have passed through the halls of the School of Theology at Virginia Union will recognize this statement or something similar from one of our illustrious professors. When he first said it, I thought it was one of the most profound statements I'd ever heard. With God being the ultimate Creator, esp as illustrated in Genesis 1, we can see the Image of God as being a creative being, bringing forth life as God did.  And when you think about it, it should be God, not Trey Songz singing "you gon' think I invented sex."
Yet, when I think about this particular statement, I think it's too narrow in its focus. In what it says, it also implies a lot more. It seems to imply that the best way to be close to God is wrapped in act that not everyone can participate in or that doesn't always result in the "desired" result. Sex, as beautiful as it can be, and child-bearing, as awesome as it can be, are not the ultimate determiner of anything. If that were the case, then virgins, people in same-sex relationships, barren women, and infertile men cannot be close to God within this paradigm.
It is true that God is the ultimate Creator, and part of what makes us share God's image is that we can create life. But animals can have sex and create life too. If we agree with the theology that people are made in God's image from Genesis 1, then we have to examine what that means. I believe that the Image of God includes being able to create life in the traditional sense of having children, but it also relates to creating life in the sense of making life better. Most people really just exist, but we have the ability to help people really live by sharing love, affirmation, positivity, help, and encouragement. We also create life when we form and sustain healthy relationships, because nothing gives more life than love.

Day 197 - Killing in Norway

The Story

The more I look at this news story, the more it both breaks my heart and sickens me.  It is unreal that things like this continue to happen.  As I read the story and looked at the coverage, I am saddened by the fact that such hatred is not only in people but continually encouraged and fed by political, religious, and ideological hate speech that demonizes and "others" groups of people.  It's easy to say that this was an isolated incident by a crazy person.  When these things happen, the excuse is typically that this person was unsteady or unbalanced, and that's why they did what they did.  While I don't disagree that it takes a level of mental illness to do this level of calculated damage, it tends to begin with the kind of common ideology that people spew without thought.  Sadly, it only takes one unstable person to take that kind of thought to the extreme and it ends up with 93 people being killed.
The issue is that the mindset about differences tends to be such that they cannot coexist.  When two things are different, one must automatically be decided as inferior to the other.  And when this is the case, the inferior/superior dynamic can be used to demonize the inferior.  When this happens, someone is no longer just different in terms of the way they think, speak, or act - the person has become evil just because of a part of their identity.  And, as we are taught in fairy tales, the evil - be it a dragon, a villain, or other bad guy - must be killed so that it doesn't hurt us or take over our "good" way of life.  The problem with this kind of thinking is that most of the people who are different from us have no desire to harm us or to change our way of life.  But in this strongly dualistic society, that doesn't matter, and all Muslims become a targeted group because of the actions of a few.  Should this be an acceptable means of handling things and groups of people?  Should I as a black person assume that all white people are racist because much of history has confirmed that?  Or should I judge each white person based on my interaction with them and assume that not everyone has a slaveholder mentality?  Should I as a female assume that every man is sexist and desires to oppress women?  Or should I judge each man on how he treats me and those close to him?  Should I assume that every Christian is as close-minded and intolerant as Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, or should I speak to each person based on my experience with them and their faith?  Such assumptions will never be widespread, because these are the groups in power here in America.
Just because someone is different than you doesn't mean that they are wrong, nor does it mean that they have any less right to live and thrive than you do.  The killer man had strong issues with both immigration and Muslims, and he sounds a lot like the Republicans in this country.  Should I fear them as well?  Because ideology is where it starts.  Ideally, someone like Michelle Bachman isn't going to pick up an assault rifle and start gunning people down because of what she believes, but my concern is that even sane people thinking along such lines can create a sort of terrorism, especially when they maintain places of power. 
In Sunday School, we touched on manifestations of living according to the Spirit of God v. living according to sinful and destructive philosophies.  The one that stuck out in my mind relates to this occurrence: "the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival" (Galatians 5: 21 MSG).  When you lump people into groups based on something you know (or assume) about them or based a label that's been ascribed by someone else, you cease to try to love them and begin to critique based on an assumption.  This makes it easier to use or even kill someone, because they do not fit what you agree with.  This was the argument that justified African American slavery, this was the argument that justified the slaughter of people in the Hebrew Bible book of Joshua, and this will continue to be the argument to deny rights and even life to people who are demonized by the majority or those in power. 
Once again, think about what you believe.  If what you believe is not based in love and the caring, equal treatment of others, you many need to re-evaluate your beliefs.  You may not bomb anyone, but hatred can be lethal in any form.

Day 196 - Love v. Fear Series: 2

Fear holds you back.  Fear focuses on the negatives and the ‘what ifs,’ the possibilities of things going wrong (most likely based on the fact that they have before).  Children are not born with fear.  It is a learned behavior as a result of being hurt or of being told that something is scary and potentially dangerous.  Because of this, a child learns to fear something, be bugs or heights or misbehaving or rejection, and it can take years and therapy to correct said fears.  While not all fear is bad, because it helps us to be cautious/alert in potentially life-threatening situations, fear can always hold us back.  That is what it was designed to do – keep us from doing something that could bring us harm. 

The problem enters in when you are being held back from is a normal, non-fatal activity, such as sharing your feelings, speaking in front of a crowd, being in relationship, making new friends, being single and taking time for self/healing, branching out, being yourself, etc.  Granted, all of these things carry some risk (and in very extreme contexts, have the potential to bring harm), but most of these are not going to get you killed on an average day.  Yet, because we fear the larger thing that is associated with these activities – failure, rejection, ridicule, loneliness, being hurt/betrayed – we often let the fear of what could be hold us back.

What we fail to realize is that, in letting fear hold us back, we are missing much of the life that we could be experiencing.  When we fear getting to know people outside of our own circle, we miss the opportunity to engage new perspectives and learn things that we might not be exposed to with just our core group.  When we fear change, we risk remaining stuck in a rut, regressing even when we are just standing still (because life is continuously moving forward), so by default, we get left behind and are pushed backward. 

If I were afraid of the color blue because the last person who hurt me was wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans, fear would keep me from appreciating the sky and the ocean, blue cars (and the people who drive them), blue buildings, blue books, and most importantly, people wearing blue.  Now, this may seem like an extreme example, but this is what fear does – it holds us back from anything that looks dangerous or resembles what was harmful to us previously.  This is why people can make statements like “all men are dogs,” “all women are catty,” or other ridiculous generalizations.  No one has ever met all of any particular kind of person, so such claims are always false, even if the small sampling you’ve come in contact with made that statement true.  Fear keeps us from exploring other options and possibilities beyond what we think we know. 

This is not only bad for us, as it keeps us cut off, but it can be bad for others.  In my most recent fear-soaked interaction (the conversation that I blogged about which changed my life), I came to realize that my fears had not just been holding me back from being in full relationship – they were also affecting those closest to me.  My actions (and inactions) caused concern and frustration in those who cared about me, because they wanted to help me and be there for me, but my fear wouldn’t allow them to be.  My holding back was hurting them as well, and oftentimes, I don’t think we see how our fears affect others.  We figure our fear is our issue, but when we hold back, we are typically holding someone else back in some way as well. 

Often, I think we are waiting to feel better about a situation or we are trying to see if things will get better on their own.  I know that this was my strategy for a long time.  I figured if I prayed about it that God would just push a button and work everything out.  Unfortunately, that’s not typically how things work.  Some action is required on my part.  A friend of mine quoted Indiana Jones in her Facebook status the other day, saying, “how much human life is lost in waiting?”  While you are waiting for things to get better, how much life (whether physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, relational) is being lost?  If I had known what I know now about my fears 3 or 4 months ago, how would my relationship with my friends look different now?  But because I waited as long as I did to address things, that much time was lost and space was created where there could have been closer intimacy and sharing. 

Now, I’m not saying to be stupid and to rush into everything without any thought or consideration.  I’m just saying that fear always holds you back, but…

Love pushes you forward.  While fear focuses on the negative possibilities (and typically references past experience), love focuses on the positive possibilities.  Love understands that there is risk involved, but using wisdom, proceeds forward in spite of the negative that could happen.  I think we often see love as blind and foolish – just crazy emotions of the heart chasing after a feeling and ignoring all reason and logic, looking at the world through heart-shaped glasses.  Real love is aware of the negative possibilities, but it chooses to proceed.  It acknowledges the risk but doesn’t allow said risk to halt its progress forward, because love knows that fear only sees part of the equation.  Love is always about creating positive space in which growth occurs.  There is no question that being as open and vulnerable as real love requires can be a frightening situation, especially because many of our experiences with opening up tend to bring us more pain than pleasure.  But while fear stops at the realization that pain may happen, love says, yes, pain may happen, but a deeper love is also possible.  And just as we talked about fear affecting those close to us, love can as well.

All of us have at least 1 gift and 1 calling which relate to a larger purpose; otherwise, we wouldn’t be here.  Unfortunately, life can get in the way of us finding and expressing our gifts or walking in our callings, and this can keep us from helping others as we should.  One of the things I’m called to do is to preach.  For a variety of reasons, I haven’t always been willing to accept or act in such a call.  There were even times when I acted in it without having fully accepted it.  Nonetheless, what I’ve come to learn is that while I might get nervous/fearful when I have to speak, that is no excuse for me not to do what I’m called to do.  Fear would have me believe that the word is not valid or will not be received or that I will fail and be rejected….  But love sees those possibilities and says that the people (and I) need a word from God and that I am the appointed vessel for that moment.  Thus, my love for God and for the people has to outweigh the fear that I feel concerning my personal issues. 

Love knows that there is a better outcome possible than you anticipate.  When I decided to have the conversation, I entered into it with great fear and trembling, but I let my love for myself and for my friends be the motivating force.  And when I did what I needed to do, I was set free.  I gained a freedom that I have not ever experienced in my 26 years.  Was the entire conversation rainbows and kittens and butterflies?  No.  Some of what she had to say really challenged me and forced me to deal with some of my deepest baggage.  But because love was not only my primary motive but hers as well, the conversation was one that has ultimately propelled me forward.  While fear continues to attempt to hold me back, I have come to the realization that fear is not the only player, and I always have the option of love.

There will always be things to fear, and fear can be an understandable response to the things we face.  What I'm saying is that we cannot let fear be the ruling factor in what we do, whether it's in smiling at a stranger on the street or it's answering a call to preach or it's sharing your deepest feelings with someone.  Let love be more important, and if you have to, do it afraid.

“I’ve allowed you to hold me back my whole life just to come to find out you were never real.  You have no power over me, I have replaced you with Love & Trust.  You are Fear and you’ve met your match.”  -Jackson Kiddard

Day 195 - One of My Concerns

“I get worried for young girls sometimes; I want them to fell that they can be sassy and full and weird and geeky and smart and independent, and not so withered and shriveled.”  - Amy Poehler

When I read this quotation, it instantly struck a chord in me.  I have seen many people (women and men) who have been so suppressed by life that they are essentially a shell of a human being.  I think for females it can be even more of a problem.  For all of the advancements that women have made in recent decades, some of the mentalities as it relates to women and what they can/should do.  This causes people to put barriers and restrictions on females as to what is “proper.” 

I can see the concern, because as a girl, I was encouraged to be lady-like, quiet, proper, and well-behaved.  And the media promoted “good girls” who are pure and gentle and in need of a big, strong man.  This could be seen strongly in fairy tales and Disney movies in which princesses – the ideal women – would find themselves as damsels in distress and then rescued by prince charming – the ideal man.  Many women are still waiting for a prince charming to rescue them, whether it’s from their singleness, their insecurity, the bug in the shower, or whatever they feel they need.  When you are raised to believe that the best, strongest part of your lies in someone else who you are waiting for to come rescue you, then it’s easy to become shriveled as you attempt to fit into a box or a mold.

While standards are thankfully changing, there is still tremendous pressure on young people to do and be a certain way, which is why the numbers for teen drinking, drug abuse, sexual irresponsibility, and suicide are what they are.  All any teen (and truth be told, many adults) wants to do is fit in, and that often requires doing things to fit into someone else’s box.  But I say that we should all be free to be weird or different or strong or artistic or anything else we want to be.  I have found that when people are affirmed in who they are, they are much happier and much better able to do what they need to do.  And when that’s the case, they are less likely to do things to harm themselves and others. 

This means that parents have to affirm their kids as individuals.  This means that we have to learn to affirm ourselves as individuals.  This means that we have to have more grace with one another and learn to affirm them for who they are (not who we want them to be) or move out of their lives.  If you can’t affirm someone for who they are, reconsider being in relationship with them, because this will continually cause problems.  Even if they change for you (unless it’s a positive, healthy change), chances are they will resent you and themselves.  So allow yourself to be yourself, and allow others the same freedom.