So, I’ve decided to give short story/fiction writing a shot. While I typically do poetry, blurbs and pieces of short stories have been swirling around in my creative think tank. So combining those pieces with life experience, words from God, and experiences/inspiration from my friends (remember the friends with crushes from a couple months ago), I have sculpted an interesting short piece that I hope you’ll like. And, as usual, feedback is welcome…
It started like any other day. I went to work, did my job, and went back home. I appreciated having a job, esp. in this economy, but I would have loved to start a little later. Either way, though I was semi tired, I knew that I had to find some energy somewhere to write and talk to God before I went out with my friends that night. Despite my tiredness, I was going to socialize that evening, because I loved and missed my friends dearly, and it would probably be a while before I hung with them again because our busy schedules often kept us apart.
To be kind to myself, I took a brief nap first. While I slept, I dreamt that I was at the edge of a cliff. For a long time, I paced and contemplated and wondered whether I should move forward (even though I could clearly see that life had ceased on this side and was continuing on the other side of the canyon), but I was scared to move forward, because the only way forward was off the edge of the cliff. Eventually, I closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and took a step forward. My outstretched arms turned into wings, and I walked through the sky, enjoying the feel of the air before taking my place on the ground on the other side. I was met by my sister friends and a beautiful woman whose shirt said “Love,” and I knew instantly that she was God. We hugged and as she began to whisper in my ear, sending tears down my face, I woke up.
Having recently done much wrestling in every area of my life, the dream was a welcome confirmation that I was close to the end of this part of my process and that I would soon fly free and really move forward in my life. Recently, I had battled depression and serious insecurity regarding those close to me, but I felt myself growing stronger each day. I was relieved to know that something positive was about to break in my life. I put on some slow God music and let the Spirit flow as I listened to God whispering through the music. I felt confirmed that the change I had been pushing for was imminent, and that the manifestation would visit me in beautiful, powerful ways. And knowing that I was going out with my girls that night made me that much more excited, because great things tended to happen when I got around them. Taking a quick shower, I freshened up and got diva dressed, because when rolling with my sisters, it was necessary to always be on point. But even as a diva, I dressed comfortably in my black leggings and long purple tunic, adding a touch of sexy with my black heels.
Finally, I was ready. I checked my purse and my make-up and walked out the door. I happily hopped into my car, cranked it up, connected my iPod, and took off from my apartment. “Perfect” came on, and I turned it all the way up as I rolled down the windows and jammed. “Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than, less than perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me.” It was wonderful to feel more strength from this song, and I put it on repeat as I drove. With much work and persistence, I was beginning to believe that, despite the issues I’d had and what I had believed about myself, I too was perfect and wonderful. With a smile in my soul and on my face, I pulled up to the restaurant where we were meeting.
As usual, I was the first one there, so I took a moment to scribble in my journal, wanting to write while the dream and the revelations were still fresh in my mind. I was hopeful that this break would include meeting someone new, because despite all that was going on in my life, I was lonely and would have liked someone to keep me company. But I was learning to appreciate my sister friends as that intimate space and relationship that I needed, even if it wasn’t the traditional romantic relationship that I was used to seeking. While I had joked with one of my sisters that I felt like I was in a relationship with them, it was beginning to feel like a reality, and it was changing the way I thought about relationships in general. Reflecting on that pulled a tear from my eye, but I didn’t have time for that, because they had finally arrived, so I wiped my eye, retouched my make-up, and headed inside with them.
Admittedly, I was there but not there as we ate and drank. I mean, I laughed and listened as we talked about sex, and I even contributed when we talked about ministry and theology, but I was distracted…. My mind was on my dream and the emotional ups and downs that I’d been experiencing recently. With this and my beverages, my tongue was loosened just a bit, and I got slightly mushy, reminding my sisters more than once how much I loved them. Yet, despite the swirling thoughts and the giddy effect of the liquid mood enhancer, I had a few calm moments in which I looked at each of my sisters in turn, admiring the beauty that God (and fashion sense) had created.
While we all varied in size, shape, and color, there was a beauty in each of them. Adara was the elder of the group, and her wisdom was clear as crystal in her eyes. Not only that, but she was confident, brilliant, sensitive and humble. And it didn’t hurt that she dressed impeccably and had curves for days and a walk in heels that made said curves poetry in motion. Gabrielle was born a few months behind her, but this didn’t create any discrepancy in their levels of wisdom. She was like a mother to me in her nurturing, challenging nature, always pushing me to be better. Her beauty lay in her push to be authentic no matter what came against her. Of course, her fierce wardrobe, on par with Adara’s, always helped her stand out and attract attention of all sorts just like Adara. Then there was Sapphire – the other “baby” of the group and my main bud. When we met, we clicked instantly, and though circumstances had caused issues between us, God had a beautiful way of bringing us back together stronger than ever. She was beautiful and gentle, but armed with strength and a protective nature that dared anyone to mess with her or those she loves. She also dressed like a hardcore diva and loved a good pair of heels.
With such beautiful, strong, well-dressed, anointed divas around me, I clearly had to step up my game, and I appreciated the push that they provided for me. They truly reflected the love that God has for me. And the fact that they loved and affirmed me just as I am without me needing to hide (though I sometimes still did out of fear) truly made all the difference in the world. Even as I was learning to be okay with myself and to share myself wholly, it helped to have people who were already a step ahead of me in accepting me and cheering me on as I took each step into myself and my destiny. I was amazed that I didn’t cry as I reflected on all of this considering my eyes had been leaking on and off for the past few months, but I had a feeling that would change soon enough.
By the time we were paying our checks, I was still enjoying the effects of my good friend Patron. Thankfully we were headed to Gabby’s for a sleepover, so I just grabbed my bag from my car before getting in the backseat of hers. We enjoyed some time on the balcony and talked about relationships. It was during this time that my spirit began to stir, and the dream I’d had began to replay in the back of my mind. I could feel the weight of being at the edge of the cliff, and I wondered what to do with these feelings in this moment and how to get to the other side. Knowing that I needed to push myself to be open with them, I described the dream and my current feelings to the ladies, and they affirmed my dream. They affirmed the progress that they’d seen and encouraged me to do whatever I needed to do in order to take that step. While my face said that I was contemplating their words, inwardly I smiled at having been open and at the love that I received in their feedback.
It wasn’t long before we were all tired (and the mosquitoes were making Happy Meals out of us), and we headed inside. After saying good night, we went to our usual sleeping spots: Sapphire in the guest room, Gabby in her bed, and Adara and I on the sofa bed in the living room. I sighed from deep within as I changed my clothes and lay on the sofa bed. Even though it was quite understood that Adara was my sister and that she was happily in a relationship, there were moments when the less rational parts of me forgot those facts. As I lay next to her, this turned into one such moment. More than anything, I think it was frustrating, because as much as I had dealt with so many things in my life, the pull of loneliness and the remaining tug of my attraction to her reminded me of things that sometimes felt lacking in my life.
So as I lay next to her, I could feel tears pricking my eyes. My heart was tender, and the longing I felt grew in that moment to the point that it was painful. Not to mention the alcohol still in my system amplifying the fact that life had pretty much been rubbing my emotions raw recently. And I knew I was supposed to be able to be vulnerable and reach out to my friends, sharing the depths of myself with them, but it was still difficult. Besides, she was tired, and I figured I should just manage this moment the best I could. I was attempting to keep my tears at bay once again, but my usually silent tears decided to be auditory and alert her to my emotional state.
“Are you okay?” she asked, reaching over to rub my back. I tensed slightly under her touch, but then I just sighed and decided to let the touch begin to comfort me.
“I’m alright. I just… things have been so difficult and frustrating lately. And even though I know it’s part of my process, it’s still really hard and leaves me feeling so vulnerable and sensitive and lonely, even having you all to surround me and love on me. Most of the time, I still feel so alone.” And with that, the tears that I had been holding to a trickle now came as a flood. It was as if my soul opened up and finally released years of pain. While I didn’t really want to cry in front of her (or anyone, but especially her because I knew how she felt about tears), my emotions had slipped beyond the careful control of my grasp, but it felt pretty good to finally exhale emotionally.
She got up and found me a tissue, but that made me cry harder, because I was tired of trying to wipe away the pain. It just needed to come out, and I think she picked up on that, so she came around to my side of the bed, lay next to me, and wrapped her arms around me. I laid my head on her chest and just sobbed for a bit. She said nothing as she embraced me, gently stroking my hair as she held me close and let me stain her shirt with my pain. As I cried, I pictured the years of rejection and hurt slipping away, as if down a drain. I saw faces and events and harsh words and much of what had burdened me wash away with each tear and at some point, the tears turned to those of joy, because I just knew that I had been set free. I saw myself sprouting wings and soaring through the sky…
Once the tears passed, she asked how I was doing. I told her what I’d felt as I cried and released, and she listened and smiled then expressed her happiness at my new freedom. As I lay there looking in her eyes, I had a thought that kissing her would make this moment that much more complete…. But then I had a realization – I didn’t need that. Granted, I was still attracted to her, but I understood that the love that I wanted and needed was found in the intimate space we shared that had allowed the moment of release to happen. It was found in the fact that she held me and showed me the intimacy I needed that way. It was found in me sharing my dream and dinner with women who I loved more than anything. It was found in the fact that I could freely be myself and still be loved. While I absolutely love the physical and sexual portion of life and relationship, it paled in comparison to what God had been trying to get me to see – the heart of love.
In that moment, I thanked her, got up, and went out to the balcony. I looked up and saw a large bird floating through the sky. Tears once again decorated my face, and I whispered words of thanks to God, because I finally understood how it feels to fly…
No comments:
Post a Comment