Fear holds you back. Fear focuses on the negatives and the ‘what ifs,’ the possibilities of things going wrong (most likely based on the fact that they have before). Children are not born with fear. It is a learned behavior as a result of being hurt or of being told that something is scary and potentially dangerous. Because of this, a child learns to fear something, be bugs or heights or misbehaving or rejection, and it can take years and therapy to correct said fears. While not all fear is bad, because it helps us to be cautious/alert in potentially life-threatening situations, fear can always hold us back. That is what it was designed to do – keep us from doing something that could bring us harm.
The problem enters in when you are being held back from is a normal, non-fatal activity, such as sharing your feelings, speaking in front of a crowd, being in relationship, making new friends, being single and taking time for self/healing, branching out, being yourself, etc. Granted, all of these things carry some risk (and in very extreme contexts, have the potential to bring harm), but most of these are not going to get you killed on an average day. Yet, because we fear the larger thing that is associated with these activities – failure, rejection, ridicule, loneliness, being hurt/betrayed – we often let the fear of what could be hold us back.
What we fail to realize is that, in letting fear hold us back, we are missing much of the life that we could be experiencing. When we fear getting to know people outside of our own circle, we miss the opportunity to engage new perspectives and learn things that we might not be exposed to with just our core group. When we fear change, we risk remaining stuck in a rut, regressing even when we are just standing still (because life is continuously moving forward), so by default, we get left behind and are pushed backward.
If I were afraid of the color blue because the last person who hurt me was wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans, fear would keep me from appreciating the sky and the ocean, blue cars (and the people who drive them), blue buildings, blue books, and most importantly, people wearing blue. Now, this may seem like an extreme example, but this is what fear does – it holds us back from anything that looks dangerous or resembles what was harmful to us previously. This is why people can make statements like “all men are dogs,” “all women are catty,” or other ridiculous generalizations. No one has ever met all of any particular kind of person, so such claims are always false, even if the small sampling you’ve come in contact with made that statement true. Fear keeps us from exploring other options and possibilities beyond what we think we know.
This is not only bad for us, as it keeps us cut off, but it can be bad for others. In my most recent fear-soaked interaction (the conversation that I blogged about which changed my life), I came to realize that my fears had not just been holding me back from being in full relationship – they were also affecting those closest to me. My actions (and inactions) caused concern and frustration in those who cared about me, because they wanted to help me and be there for me, but my fear wouldn’t allow them to be. My holding back was hurting them as well, and oftentimes, I don’t think we see how our fears affect others. We figure our fear is our issue, but when we hold back, we are typically holding someone else back in some way as well.
Often, I think we are waiting to feel better about a situation or we are trying to see if things will get better on their own. I know that this was my strategy for a long time. I figured if I prayed about it that God would just push a button and work everything out. Unfortunately, that’s not typically how things work. Some action is required on my part. A friend of mine quoted Indiana Jones in her Facebook status the other day, saying, “how much human life is lost in waiting?” While you are waiting for things to get better, how much life (whether physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, relational) is being lost? If I had known what I know now about my fears 3 or 4 months ago, how would my relationship with my friends look different now? But because I waited as long as I did to address things, that much time was lost and space was created where there could have been closer intimacy and sharing.
Now, I’m not saying to be stupid and to rush into everything without any thought or consideration. I’m just saying that fear always holds you back, but…
Love pushes you forward. While fear focuses on the negative possibilities (and typically references past experience), love focuses on the positive possibilities. Love understands that there is risk involved, but using wisdom, proceeds forward in spite of the negative that could happen. I think we often see love as blind and foolish – just crazy emotions of the heart chasing after a feeling and ignoring all reason and logic, looking at the world through heart-shaped glasses. Real love is aware of the negative possibilities, but it chooses to proceed. It acknowledges the risk but doesn’t allow said risk to halt its progress forward, because love knows that fear only sees part of the equation. Love is always about creating positive space in which growth occurs. There is no question that being as open and vulnerable as real love requires can be a frightening situation, especially because many of our experiences with opening up tend to bring us more pain than pleasure. But while fear stops at the realization that pain may happen, love says, yes, pain may happen, but a deeper love is also possible. And just as we talked about fear affecting those close to us, love can as well.
All of us have at least 1 gift and 1 calling which relate to a larger purpose; otherwise, we wouldn’t be here. Unfortunately, life can get in the way of us finding and expressing our gifts or walking in our callings, and this can keep us from helping others as we should. One of the things I’m called to do is to preach. For a variety of reasons, I haven’t always been willing to accept or act in such a call. There were even times when I acted in it without having fully accepted it. Nonetheless, what I’ve come to learn is that while I might get nervous/fearful when I have to speak, that is no excuse for me not to do what I’m called to do. Fear would have me believe that the word is not valid or will not be received or that I will fail and be rejected…. But love sees those possibilities and says that the people (and I) need a word from God and that I am the appointed vessel for that moment. Thus, my love for God and for the people has to outweigh the fear that I feel concerning my personal issues.
Love knows that there is a better outcome possible than you anticipate. When I decided to have the conversation, I entered into it with great fear and trembling, but I let my love for myself and for my friends be the motivating force. And when I did what I needed to do, I was set free. I gained a freedom that I have not ever experienced in my 26 years. Was the entire conversation rainbows and kittens and butterflies? No. Some of what she had to say really challenged me and forced me to deal with some of my deepest baggage. But because love was not only my primary motive but hers as well, the conversation was one that has ultimately propelled me forward. While fear continues to attempt to hold me back, I have come to the realization that fear is not the only player, and I always have the option of love.
There will always be things to fear, and fear can be an understandable response to the things we face. What I'm saying is that we cannot let fear be the ruling factor in what we do, whether it's in smiling at a stranger on the street or it's answering a call to preach or it's sharing your deepest feelings with someone. Let love be more important, and if you have to, do it afraid.
“I’ve allowed you to hold me back my whole life just to come to find out you were never real. You have no power over me, I have replaced you with Love & Trust. You are Fear and you’ve met your match.” -Jackson Kiddard
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