For the past 26 years, I have lived a life of a very carefully constructed persona. Every day was one of choosing a shaping the proper mask for the proper context. Even for those who I called friends, I had a smaller, clearer mask, but I still wore one just the same. You see, for as long as I can remember, being myself has not been an option. I had been told by many people in many ways that I was not acceptable as I was, and I was young, impressionable, and without my own foundation, so I believed them. Being sensitive by nature, I was able to both hear what was said and read between the lines, and based on such information, I would portray what I felt necessary based on who was around.
In the recent years, I began to find more of my actual self that I’d been suppressing for those many years. Seminary gave me the freedom and the space to begin asking questions and exploring not only my theology but myself. Still, I was hesitant, because even in the “safe space” of seminary, there were still those who couldn’t/wouldn’t be free. This made me uncomfortable, and it inhibited me from feeling comfortable enough to spread my own wings. Despite the obstacles, I have still been growing and exploring and trying to see who I am and what is at the core of me… but I needed some assistance (even though I didn’t know it).
Well, as I was reminded in conservation with one of my dearest friends, God will provide. And while we typically think about this in terms of monetary provisions, I’m so glad that God provides EVERYTHING that we need. I was granted a group of sister friends who gave me space similar to that of seminary (partially because that’s where I met them), but it was freer still, because they were free enough to be themselves. We created a space of friendship and closeness that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
But sometimes old habits die hard, and even in a space that I called safe and with people I called my sisters, I still carried and wore my mask. While it was a much smaller, clearer version, it was enough to keep me separated even in their presence. Yet, I wanted to get rid of the space, so I made conscious efforts and pushed myself in ways that made me face my fears. The most recent step is the one that is the inspiration for today’s entry. Because of the space that I felt (which I knew partially was of my own doing), I decided to talk to one of my sisters, addressing my feelings and trying to figure out how to move forward (both in myself and in the friendship).
Yesterday, we got together to talk. Now, I was sweating bullets and freaking out, because life experience had taught me that when I express my feelings and share what I need, things don’t tend to go well. Though I knew in my head that she wasn’t gonna end the friendship or that I wouldn’t be excommunicated from the group, I couldn’t help being nervous expressing things so close to my heart. Nonetheless, I shared and we talked, covering everything from my issues to her concerns to group dynamics to life experience in general. As I listened, I could hear how my actions and baggage had impacted those around me, and that really gave me something to think about. When people have to prepare themselves to be in your presence, something is wrong. I had been in relationships like that, so I understood what that was like, and it astounded me that anyone felt that way about me.
But beyond that, she assured me that it was okay to be myself. She assured me that they knew me and my quirks (of which there are many), and they still loved and accepted me. Having seen said love in action, I knew it to be true, and I think it went from being something I knew in my head to something I began to receive in my heart. When we finished talking, I still wasn’t sure of what had happened. I had expected myself to cry and all kinds of things like that (esp. because I’d sensed beforehand that the conversation would be life-changing and that I would even find release in it), but none of that happened. We went inside the house – the conversation had taken place on our other sister’s balcony – and we chatted with her for a bit about some of the things going on in her life. And as I stood there both participating in and observing the conversation, I could feel a difference within myself. I couldn’t entirely put my finger on it, but the space and the moment just felt different. By the time I left the place, I could have flown home.
It’s been said that “the longest trip a person takes is from head to heart” (Fred Craddock). I’ve found that to be very true, but I think my journey may have reached its destination in me, at least as it regards these ladies in my life. I told my sister that all I really needed was the space to express what was in me and “just be” as she kept telling me, and I did. I’m not entirely sure how, but she and that moment set me free. Even our other sister (who I called before and after the conversation) could feel the difference through the phone.
Who knew that all I needed was permission to just be, granted in the right space and time with the right person, to allow me to see that it was really okay to put down the mask?
Does that mean that everything is done and my life is emotionally baggage free? I doubt it. But this does mean that I'm experiencing the freedom that I have so longed to feel...
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