While the video is of the song “Tonight is the Night” by Betty Wright, it will not be addressing this song so much as the concept behind it. As I listened to it the other day, I thought about what it was saying, and I my mind began to ponder what the song was really saying. It’s the story of a young woman (whose age is unknown but presumably under 18 as she still lives in her parents’ house and is concerned about them coming home and catching them) who is about to lose her virginity to her (presumably) experienced partner. She’s nervous and unsure, but wants to become a woman.
“Tonight is the night that you make me a woman.” More than once, I’ve heard this concept (on both sides of the gender line), and it’s admittedly disturbing. Why is sex the determiner of someone’s womanhood or manhood? With such an emphasis, it’s no wonder there is so much teen pregnancy and irresponsible sexual behavior. If people (especially teenagers and young adults who haven’t had enough life experience and affirmation to be assured within themselves) believe such a concept, then they seek to become “adults” in this superficial way, even when they aren’t ready to appreciate the consequences of their actions. I am not made a woman by the act of a penis penetrating my vagina anymore than a man is made such by doing the penetrating. Once again, most species of animals have sex, and that doesn’t make the male cat a man or the female whale a woman. It makes them biologically male or female. And even that can be tricky when there are people who are born without clear genital indication as to what they are. The fact that they live in a gray area can complicate their lives and cause issues of identity and conformity.
With this much pressure on sex as the definitive line separating boys and men/girls and women, it’s little wonder that our society centers on sex, pushing it as the motivation for and the answer to everything in life. People who have never had sex feel the pressure to do so, typically feeling inadequate in some way. People who have lots of sex (whether with the same person or with multiple partners) are somehow “better” in some people’s minds. For the record, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with sex – it is a beautiful thing that can bring pleasure and intimacy and enhance the connection between two loving parties – but I am saying that it shouldn’t be the driving force of our lives or the determiner of our identities. Having sex doesn’t flip a switch within a person and automatically make them a mature, intelligent adult. It can change one’s life, but it doesn’t automatically make one into a man or a woman.
“I can hear your car door slam. I wanna play big girl and put on a sexy smile, but I know so little about what love is that I just can’t help acting like a child. You’re knocking on my door and you’re ringing my bell. Hope you’re not impatient after waiting so very long. A whole year I’ve put you off with my silly hang-ups….” This particular portion of the song paints the picture of a younger woman who is nervous about sex and seems to have been pressured in some way by an older partner. My concern is that her silly hang-ups may not have been silly and that she had valid concerns about having sex, but these were dismissed or argued away by the partner. She admits to knowing little about love, not even saying that she’s in love, but has decided that it’s time for her to “play big girl” and become a woman the only way she knows how. Unfortunately, it is that type of pressure and thinking that lead to so many teen pregnancies and even abortions. Guys push to have sex to feel like men. Girls give into the demand in order to feel loved and to feel like women. Unfortunately, this decision isn’t always made with the future in mind, especially among younger people, and the consequences of pregnancy, STDs, emotional pain, etc. don’t play into the decision to have sex.
In my mind, what makes someone a man or a woman is the ability to understand and appreciate their actions and the consequences, processing such in a way that takes into account the effects that will be felt by self and others, because you are no longer the center of your own world. It also includes being willing and able to take responsibility for one’s actions. Now, by that definition, there are some 15 year olds who are more adult than some 50 year olds, but I believe that responsibility and consideration for others mark adult thinking. Besides that, being a man/woman is more in the attitude than it is the age or sexual activity. And there are as many manifestations of womanhood/manhood as there are women/men in the world, and no box can contain all of it means to be either.
So love yourself and others enough to get beyond this archaic definition of womanhood/manhood. Sex is an important act and something that should be treated with the respect and reverence it deserves. It is something that should take place between 2 adults who are consenting and who are mature and responsible enough to appreciate the consequences beyond the orgasm (and preferably in a healthy, mutual, committed, loving relationship). But in no way does sex make someone more or less of a woman/man. Sex has been so often used as a weapon or a means of gaining power that it has taken on a connotation that it never deserved. It’s time to redefine ourselves by something other than the activity of our genitals.
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