I have had many conversations and experiences in recent years that have shown me people asking this question. Too many times, I have seen people get into and/or stay in situations that they know aren’t good for them or are beneath what they deserve. People stay in abusive relationships or relationships with people who are intentionally unfaithful, people who are already in relationships, people who don’t love them or who they don’t love, or otherwise problematic situations even when they recognize and agonize over the abuse. While this doesn’t apply exclusively to romantic relationships, this tends to be the place where the pain happens.
But why? Why do we stay in situations that we know are not positive? In my observations, I’ve seen quite a number of reasons and justifications:
1. Financial support – some people have their lives so intertwined with the person they are in relationship with that they become financially dependent on them. Or if they provide them luxuries and a lifestyle that they couldn’t previously afford, and they put up with less than ideal behavior to enjoy the material pleasures.
2. Societal (and familial) pressure – being single, especially over a certain age, can raise eyebrows and concerns. As children, we are shown fairy tales with princes and princesses who fall in love and ride off into the sunset. Even action movies have love interests and romances, though most of the star characters in the movies would be ill-suited for actual relationships. Either way, we are encouraged to grow up, be in romantic relationships, get married, and have kids so that we can be “productive” members of society, and so some people stay just so they are not single.
3. Settling – sometimes when you’ve been in a relationship for ages, you feel that you’ve invested too much time and energy to go anywhere else. Plus, dating can be tough and frustrating, so sometimes it’s just easier to stick with what you have than to risk it for the uncertainty on the outside. At least you know the mess you have – why risk unfamiliar mess? Or maybe all we’ve ever known is mediocrity and incompleteness in love and we don’t know that more is even possible.
4. Misplaced hope – sometimes we stay because we think/hope we can change the person or the relationship. We think that with enough love and time, we can change the person. At times this happens, but at what expense to you? Do you have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to help them?
5. The kids – I’ve heard too many people say that they stayed in a relationship for the kids. I’ve also talked to far too many kids who say that they would have rather their parents separated. If the “primary” relationship in a home is troubled and basically devoid of love, it has no choice but to poison the others around it. And with misery comes abuse of some kind, be it verbal, physical, emotional, or substance, and it tends to do more harm than good. I’m sorry to say, but the 2-parent household is not the answer to society’s issues when healthy love is not present.
6. Self-worth – of all the reasons listed, I believe that this one is at the heart of most of the insufficient relationships in which we remain entangled. Somewhere along the way, we were told or shown and convinced that we don’t deserve more than we have. Maybe we were told by a partner that no one would ever love us so we may as well stay. Maybe our parents didn’t show us love and caused us to search for it and cling to any halfway decent show of affection that we could find. Maybe we were assaulted or violated in a way that stripped our self-esteem, and we haven’t found the healing to help us (re)build ourselves. Even if we consciously know better and walk with a confident stride, our hearts sometimes find it difficult to let go, because our heart is the place that seeks affirmation and love at any cost.
7. Fear – We may have even found something that resembles love or has pieces of what we want, but there are painful gaps that we overlook, because we don’t know that we’ll ever find this feeling again. They may treat us great (most of the time) or we may find we have a great (spiritual, emotional, mental, physical) connection, but they are distant or controlling or unavailable in another way. This again relates to the question of self-worth, because you find it hard to trust the Divine enough to provide a complete relationship for you (especially if you feel like you’re incomplete and you don’t think you deserve that). Or maybe it’s a self-sabotage, because you don’t think you could handle a truly mutual, intimate relationship, so you accept relationships that don’t challenge you or make you have to be better, because you feel inadequate or that it will force you to grow up.
Whatever the reason is that you find yourself remaining in a place that’s not healthy, I encourage you to take a look in the mirror and consider loving the person you see. I can’t tell you whether or not you need to leave – that’s something only you know. But I will say that you can only know if you are honest deep down – past the fear and societal (and familial) concerns. While we are typically taught to ignore our gut, it doesn’t typically stir us wrong (and I believe that’s because it is God residing in us and guiding us, but that’s just me). Do you have the courage to get beyond the fear or comfort zone and do what’s best for you?
And once you’ve left the situation, for the sake of your future relationships and your personal health, take some time BY YOURSELF to heal. There’s nothing worse than taking old scars into a new relationship. Most likely, you’ll find yourself in a similar relationship if you don’t take time to heal first. And even if the one you find is better, you may not be able to appreciate it, or you may expect the new person to heal what was previously done. No matter how wonderful anyone in your life is, they cannot help to heal what someone else has done if you are not already in the process of healing for yourself. I know it’s not the easiest thing to do, but it is well worth it, trust me. I’m not single for no reason right now….
No comments:
Post a Comment