Now, at first glance, the title of this entry looks just a wee bit selfish. Actually, it looks like the definition of selfish, but if you bear with me, you will soon see why I’m not just being a colossal jerk. You see, in this place of my life, I have been doing much introspection as well as examination of those closest to me, and the more I examine, the more I realize that some things have to change. Like Sophia, I feel like “all my life I had to fight,” but for the most part, I was wrestling with myself and not my brothers and cousins and such.
Because I hated confrontation and arguments and tension, I would do whatever I could to avoid such. I tucked my own feelings and thoughts and even myself in the interest of avoiding conflict. And because I didn’t wanna hurt people’s feelings (because I experienced enough of that myself and didn’t want to do that to others), I said and did whatever I could to ensure that other people and their feelings were primary in my life, even if I suffered in the process. I did so much hiding of myself that I even begin to forget about parts of myself and live as the portrayal. In some cases, I was aware but ashamed of the “real me,” and I suffered much guilt and frustration trying to be something else, something “better.” Neither of these roads are healthy, because the true self is being denied, and when that happens, you live below your potential and purpose. Your identity is either one of shame or one that is merely a shell that portrays what others want but never gets to the core of who you are in a meaningful way.
Well, I’ve gotten to a place where this can no longer be the case. I’ve had some difficult conversations in the past few months in the name of being authentic and true. I realized that if I’m going to call someone “friend” that there should be a level of transparency and authenticity in the relationship. For me, that means being able to share the whole (or at least the major bulk) of me and still be loved and accepted. I would never expect total agreement, because no two people will ever agree on everything, but I shouldn’t have to hide myself with those who I call friends. As a minister, I have to do enough editing of myself because of the expectations of people. I should be able to let my hair all the way down when it comes to people who I consciously choose to spend time and be in relationship with.
Admittedly, some of this comes from my own fear of rejection. There have been times when I began to allow my true self to show (having sensed that it might be safe), and I’ve been rejected. Or I have been the “great friend” because I never said no, but the moment I did say no, I was no longer as valued. While I realize that said people weren’t typically true friends, it still affected me in that my value tended to be based in what I did more so than who I was anyway. I did what I thought was necessary to keep people in my life and to keep from being rejected…
Now, I have decided that I have to come first. I can no longer where a mask, especially in places where I should be able to be comfortably myself. Not everyone on earth will like me, and I’m okay with that. I don’t have to do anything to earn love other than be my beautiful wonderful self. And even in that, God loves me just as I am, because that’s how God created and designed me to be. Will I always be giving and be respectful of the feelings of others? Of course. But I will no longer hold myself hostage for the comfort of someone else.
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