Day 361 - Do You Care?

“Care too little, you’ll lose them.  Care too much, you’ll get hurt.” 

“So what’s the answer?”

The above was a facebook status and a comment in response on a friend’s page that got me thinking.  Having been in such a place before and having dealt with this question a couple of times, I had to take some time and sit with it.  I had a few thoughts about how to respond to this, but I wasn't sure how to approach it.  Yet, as often happens when I'm thinking about something, I got a few real life examples that have helped me to put into perspective the answer to a question like this one.  

I have seen that the above is true.  There are some people who may have feelings for someone, but because of fear (be it of rejection, getting hurt, etc), they play it cool.  They can be looking the person in the face, and they refuse to acknowledge what they feel or they play it off.  Or maybe they are just not that into someone, so they show a little care, but they aren't as concerned as some of their words, actions, or flirtations may lead the other person to believe.  After a while, the other person will likely get tired of the emotional nonchalance and move on to find someone who isn't afraid to express and live their feelings. 
On the other side, I have seen people who have given their heart and soul to someone who could really care less than them, and they ended up being heartbroken because they cared more than the other person.  It's been said that the person who cares the least in a relationship holds the power, and I think that's true.  They can essentially make the other person do what they want in the interest of keeping them around.  And since that person's mentality is typically more about their needs getting met, they will do so as long as they are satisfied.  If something shifts, they have no problem moving on to get those needs met elsewhere.

So then what is the answer?  How does one care enough to not lose the person but not care too much so that heartbreak doesn't occur.  Well, my initial impression was balance.  You have to strike a balance in between and find that magic amount of care, allowing your actions to so follow in order to show care without allowing yourself to become a doormat.  Then, based on their response, you adjust accordingly in order to prevent pain or abandonment.  And, don't get me wrong - that's a pretty good thought.  But then I thought... wait, why should I have to adjust my feelings and level of care based on someone else? 

Now, I have come to recognize that in my life, feelings/emotions are tricky things.  But as much as that is the case, when I care for someone, I guess you can say that I go from 0 to... I won't say 60, cuz that's a lot, but maybe about 45.  Because of the way I let people in, you're either on the outskirts or you're all the way in.  So for me to adjust my level of care based on how you are acting is nigh unto impossible.  And I've tried it - it doesn't bode well for me at all.  Maybe other people are better at adjusting their level of care, but I guess because once I care for you, I care, then turning that on and off like a light switch... not likely gonna happen. What I have come to realize is that opening your heart in relationship is directly related to your behavior, and communication is key.  If there are two people interacting in this thing, they ought to be talking to each other about what they are thinking and feeling.  We should share honestly and consistently about feelings.   As things shift and change, we should let each other know.  This, of course, is in an ideal world.  

I'm not sure that there is such thing as caring too much or not enough.  I think it's more about applying your care in the right context.  And if you listen and pay attention in relationship, not just thinking about what you may want or need, you can hear whether or not your current situation is one in which you continue to invest your energy.  Because your level of care for a person may not change, but how you choose to invest energy and make that care manifest can make all the difference.  There are people who I still have care for in my heart, but because of the way the relationship currently stands, there is no energy invested into the relationship.  My level of care was not what needed to be adjusted - it was the amount which I allowed them to occupy my emotional space and conscious mind.  I care for all people, but I only make that care visible for a select few...