Typically
when you hear the statement, “let me help you,” it can be taken a few different
ways depending on the way it’s pronounced.
The tone of voice will make the indication clear. It could be an offer for assistance of some
sort… or in the way that I’m currently thinking about it, it’s more of an offer
to correct some erroneous way of thinking.
The second is how I’m using it for this particular entry, because it
seems that there are some people with some mindsets, actions, and such that I
think need to be acknowledged and addressed.
These have been my relationship pet peeves for years, and I feel like
there are some folks (myself included) who could use a little assistance in
some of these areas. Most of these things I've done and/or experienced, so believe me when I say that they are problematic. It is true that every situation is different, and absolutes are rare, but for the following things, I'm fairly certain that they apply in at least 99% of cases.
- Check your insecurities. As someone who has dealt with insecurities for years, I will be the first to say that they can cause tremendous issues in friendships and in relationships. In fact, most of these deal in some way with one or both people having insecurities that need to be dealt with. This is not to say that any of us shouldn’t have insecurities, because life is happy to give them to us, and I will say that relationships tend to be great places to learn which ones you have and work through them. But be careful, because if you are not acting working to resolve them and grow in self-love, these insecurities can drive even the most loving of people away.
- If you’re gonna cheat, leave. I will have to say that this is my biggest pet peeve. Maybe it’s just my understanding of relationship, but when you make the decision to be in a committed relationship with someone, you should be committed to that. I am aware that there are typically things that lead a person to cheat – namely frustration from their needs not being met in one way or another. My thing is, if you have come to the point where you are that frustrated and unfilled, and if you have tried talking things out with your partner and changes are not occurring, then it is time to move forward. In my mind, it’s better to leave than to cheat. Cheating opens doors for having some needs fulfilled, sure, but it tends to also cause strife in the existing relationship. And it can cause great pain if (when) the infidelity is discovered.
- If you don’t trust them and you’re stressing yourself and them, you should probably leave. Now, there is something to be said about getting into a relationship with someone and they suddenly change or things come out in them that you never suspected or saw. But in general, I will go out on a limb and say that it is possible to see cheating tendencies before you get into a relationship with someone. If you pay attention, there tend to be signs. This is especially true depending on how the relationship began. If your relationship with someone started when they cheated on someone else, the likelihood of them not cheating on you is slim. Either way, you can’t make someone stop cheating by being extra suspicious. I’ve noticed that such behavior tends to only make someone work harder to hide their behavior… and less likely to talk to you about the issues that are likely leading them to cheat.
- Don't lie to protect someone's feelings. The greatest example of this happened for me in a friendship, and when I found out the truth, I strongly considered ending the friendship. It needs to be understood that most of the time when people do this, it is not out of concern for the other person's feelings but fear of that person's reaction. There may some concern as to how the other person will feel, but I think more concern should be given to the reaction/feelings that they will have when they find out the truth. And a lot of people say, o, they will never find out. But as long as I've lived, I've learned that the truth tends to come out eventually. And when it does, you typically have more to contend with than if you had just told the truth in the first place.
- Don't be the other man/woman. No, you may not be cheating on someone, but being the one who someone cheats with is just as bad if you know that the person is in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with being a friend to someone, but when they are having relationship issues and you are consoling them and lines begin to be crossed, that's a problem. One of my friends was telling me that she has a rule. If a guy friend says to her, "I've never told my wife/girlfriend this, but..." she will stop them right there. She feels that is a line of intimacy that should not be crossed. If someone is having problems in their relationship, they should be talking to the person they are in the relationship with. Again, there is nothing wrong with getting advice, but that line has to be walked in a very careful way. But aside from that, you deserve better than being #2 for anyone, and if you can't see that, refer to bullet #1. No matter how much you may care about a person, there is no reason to do that to yourself or someone else. Respect relationship. Period. As one who has been #2 and who has been cheated on, I know what I'm talking about.
- Find some healing and be ready before you get into a serious, committed relationship. Now, this can be hurt from previous relationships, this can be the desire to play around despite making a commitment, this can be unresolved feelings from a previous partner, this can be parental/childhood issues, or any other number of things. Many of our relationship issues would be avoided if we didn’t get into relationships of a serious nature before we were ready. It’s one thing to date casually or to spend time to get to know people, etc, but in my mind, once you tell someone that you want to be in a serious, committed relationship, then that should mean something real. If you’re not ready to partner with someone in a loving, challenging, caring, committed relationship in which you can give of and be yourselves, sharing your life, then don’t do it. Don’t be in a hurry to find someone just because your last one ended and you need a space filler. And figure out what you want in a relationship, so you can communicate that as well.
- COMMUNICATE! This for me is the biggest one. When something changes, communicate. When there's an issue, communicate. Wanna try something different, communicate. All relationships require vulnerability and courage. They require you to be able to share with a person some want or need that you have and that you would like to see fulfilled within that relationship space. Whatever the case may be, all of this needs to be communicated. Maybe your feelings are changing (be it growing or shrinking). Maybe you want to take things in a different direction. Whatever the case may be, if it concerns them, the other person has a right to know. In my experience, one of the worst things you can do is wait till everything is figured out to present it to someone, because likely, your behavior has given them cause for suspicion along the way. You may not have all the answers, but taking time to talk them out will likely help you to process. Now, I will say that I can be a bit of a lone processor, and so I can have my moments where I need to think it over in my own head for a minute. There's nothing wrong with that either - that's how some people work. But be sure to communicate things like that too. Sudden withdrawal doesn't tend to work too well for most people.
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